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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

663 replies

Lionessy · 27/06/2013 14:09

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently Hmm and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go Angry. Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice Hmm.

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

OP posts:
TigOldBitties · 27/06/2013 21:06

I was just telling DH about this thread. He pointed out when teen DN changed her mind about a group holiday (due to her weight insecurities).

She had a flight booked, was taken emergency shopping, driven 2 hours to gatwick and taxi paid for.

She spent a year travelling around the world. She had amazing experiences and really grew up. She just needed that support during a wobble. What good does being tough do?

Cravey · 27/06/2013 21:06

The lesson in question was maybe how not to be a fickle girl. She only had a ticket because the op is a forward thinking parent. Well done that mum. Sticking to my thoughts on her being spoiled though.

kay1975 · 27/06/2013 21:09

I think you and your DH are fantastic! You obv adore your child, I would do exactly the same thing for my children, as my mum would have done for me! You should both feel proud that you've done everything you could to give your child a memory that will stay with her forever x

Sparklingbrook · 27/06/2013 21:10

Being tough teaches DC important life lessons Tig. Toughens them up for the big wide world. Hmm

Adults never change their minds do they? So teens should not be allowed to either. Apparently.

goingmadinthecountry · 27/06/2013 21:10

Sad woman I am, I'm crying now and I'm a hard old bitch. After 5 years together, this is it for them. They've had exams to deal with - it's hard. I know because I teach. To me it's a bit naff - no fake tan or limos for dd or her friends by choice - but to some it's huge. Particularly if they're not all staying on till 6th form. It'll be the highlight of their youth. Next time to dress up so much might even be a wedding. We have to cut them some slack. If they miss it, it'll be a big issue for many many years, even for ever. Seems nothing to us, but so big a deal for them.

Lizzylou · 27/06/2013 21:11

Cavey, ops Dd just sounds like a normal teen who has had a hard time fitting in, went with the flow then regretted it.
op sounds like a mother who knows her daughter and second guessed her. The limo is a red herring imo.
Stop being such a whiney arse.

goingmadinthecountry · 27/06/2013 21:11

OP, your dd will remember you doing this for her for ever (or at least a very long time).

TSSDNCOP · 27/06/2013 21:12

Dammit Tig you've ruined her. She'll never, ever get a job now will she?

landofsoapandglory · 27/06/2013 21:14

DS1(18) is going to Malia on Wednesday with 14 of his mates. He and 13 of those mates booked before Christmas, but the other one didn't want to go. They kept asking him, but kept saying no. A couple of weeks ago he changed his mind. They have emailed the hotel and the owner has agreed to put an extra bed in one room, and they have managed to get him a seat on the plane. All the surcharges etc are being paid for by the boy's parents.

I am glad they aren't "teaching him a lesson" because this group have boys have been friends all through secondary school and it would have been a shame for him to have missed out. He just wasn't confident enough to commit to booking in December.

PickledInAPearTree · 27/06/2013 21:15

Not to be fickle? Crikey.

OHforDUCKScake · 27/06/2013 21:15

So I have to ask for the third time

Why did the husband need to take the day off work?

PickledInAPearTree · 27/06/2013 21:16

To take her. It was a longish drive, had already been arranged pre strops limo fickle and fake tan gate.

Cravey · 27/06/2013 21:16

Thanks for the kind words lizzylou. Very polite. The op sounds brill. As I said in a pp. well done to her for second guessing. As I already said. Teenagers are fickle and do follow the flow. Maybe this will teach her not to. When calling her a spoiled brat I was in fact referring to the limo. I wouldn't have got her a ticket as I wouldn't have thought that far ahead. Well done that mum. Op was the one who stated dd had a tantrum over the limo. Spoiled brat behaviour no ???

ShowOfHands · 27/06/2013 21:17

I went to my leavers' ball aged 18 and a lovely chappy gave me a red rose and we danced and he held my hand and it's 14yrs later and his dirty socks are ON MY PIANO. I'm going to strangle him with them later.

Aah, fond memories.

Sorry, I have bog all to add that is of use. My dd is 6 and dressing up in sparkly frocks and changing her mind at the last minute is better known as Tuesday chez Showy.

lborolass · 27/06/2013 21:17

TSSNDCOP - she won't need a job, with the right spray tan she will be able to attract a rich traveller husband a la big fat gypsy weddings.

And before anyone objects I'm certainly not having a go at travellers,

Cravey · 27/06/2013 21:18

Lets face facts. This is not about confidence. In this case. It's about a girl doing what her mates do. Then having a teenage change of mind. However the op stated her dd had a tantrum. IMO spoiled behaviour. I did read the op and the dd had stated it wasn't cool to go to prom. S really not a crisis of confidence.

storynanny · 27/06/2013 21:20

As someone else said, my parents wouldn't have done anything like it for me so I would have for my children. We learn a lot from our parents and in laws parenting skills!!!
My prom experiences with 3 boys brought up in same home, same values, same house rules etc- a good example of everyone is different.
Boy 1- decided was def going, didnt mention it again until 3 days before prompting frantic searching for a dinner suit still available in a hire shop after 4 local secondary schools all had proms in same week.
Boy 2 - decided was going and meticulously planned all details down to last second and needed no input from me.
Boy 3 - decided didnt want to go and didnt.
Nobody can say for certain what they would do in hypothetical circumstances. For instance if boy I and 2 experiences had happened the other way round would I still have helped out? Probably, that's what mums do!
Hope she has great fun, something to remember for ever.

youarewinning · 27/06/2013 21:20

I agree with standing your ground - but this is the PROM. It happens once in a lifetime, it talked about for years months and I suspect the OP wanted to see her DD go and have those photos and memories as much as her DD realised she wanted to go. Her DD will remember the day her mum and dad made PROM possible far longer than any 'lesson' not enabling her would have lasted.

I don't understand the nails, tan, jewellry bit but then I've never been into those things and only have a son (who's only 8 so who knows how I'll parent a teen!) but I truely do not think the OP's DD sounds spoilt.

If she was - she would have got the limo Wink

garlicnutty · 27/06/2013 21:20

I am always there to 'help' my DC; that includes helping them to cope with situations they have created themselves without necessarily trying to 'make it go away'

OP helped her daughter to cope by anticipating her change of heart. She'd already bought a ticket and arranged transport by DH. Excellent parental foresight, imo!

I had to go on assertiveness training to learn I have the right to change my mind. This is because I was brought up with the miserable principle of "made your bed". It destroys confidence, you know that? When you're never allowed to backtrack, you get scared to make any decisions at all.

storynanny · 27/06/2013 21:21

Of course anyone who has read my resistant eater thread will know that son 3 didn't want to go as it involved eating food!

garlicnutty · 27/06/2013 21:21

Tig - hurrah for you, DH & DD! Lovely story :)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 21:21

Cravey

Did you read the OPs later posts, where she talks about her DD having had some trouble at school, and that deciding not to go at first was going along with the cool girls

OP thought her DD really did want to go but had been swayed

Context is important here

storynanny · 27/06/2013 21:22

Made your bed, yes hopefully those days have gone. My parents were very fond of that expression, still are in fact. I hope to never say it

TigOldBitties · 27/06/2013 21:22

Ahh ok Sparkling my niceness must be why all my DC are such soft weak victims Hmm

And yes DN is currently working for the British Fashion Council, in quite an important role, failure that she is.

Kizzit · 27/06/2013 21:23

TSSDNCOP you have most likely never had to work with the grown-up version then Hmm. Maybe I have too much experience there which has coloured my view. Ofcourse they don't all turn out to be gibbering wrecks, incapable of standing on their own two legs,but I have met too many and all I can do is feel sorry for them. It's not their fault,but if you're allowed to keep your stabilisers on your bike throughout your life it's very hard when someone all of a sudden yanks them away. Yes,they'll have the odd fall and as a parent you are there to comfort them,but you wouldn't keep putting the stabilisers back on every time would you? And the feeling of 'look Mum I can do it on my own' gives them more confidence to keep going when they come across something difficult.