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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

663 replies

Lionessy · 27/06/2013 14:09

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently Hmm and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go Angry. Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice Hmm.

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

OP posts:
HandMini · 27/06/2013 16:49

This is not me after I've had a fake tan.

SpringHeeledJack · 27/06/2013 16:49

haven't read the whole thread- combination of can'tbearsedness/know it will make me a bit Sad

my son is too shy to go to his prom

I think underneath he really wants to go

if he changed his mind I would piggyback him the whole way

well done OP- you're a sweetie Flowers

HandMini · 27/06/2013 16:50

Shoe - a discussion I'd like to have, but for another thread!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 16:50

Ashoe

I agree that the prevailing aesthetic is "stripper" and I think that's a great shame.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 16:52

Holly

Ah yes. I've still got a Heather Shimmer lipstick

EldritchCleavage · 27/06/2013 16:52

I agree with Ashoe too.

HandMini · 27/06/2013 16:52

Jamie, I think it's a great shame that you choose to categorise a whole range of fashion choices under the heading "stripper".

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/06/2013 16:52

OK

Lavenderloves · 27/06/2013 16:53

I wore fake tan back in the day (20 years ago) it was not as good then as it is now ( washed off in the rain) we had to mix it with moisturiser to make it less dark. ( ten years ahead of you johnsons) i also had a perm and wore TINY clothing.

I was definately not a slapper.

Guess what my mum wore mini skirts also, i'm guessing my DD will also want to wear skimpy clothing. whilst her dad has a heart attack if you have done a good job they will be fine.

pigletmania · 27/06/2013 16:55

Get tough and assertive, stop pandering to her

thebody · 27/06/2013 16:55

Holly totally agree, ashoething so if a woman wants to put on makeup, have a fake tan, wear heels and shave her minge she is somehow so stupid she is just following media led fashion?

Maybe it is the way some women want to. Just like some don't.

That's ok isn't it? Like some men body build and some look like Bradley wiggins because they cycle.

valiumredhead · 27/06/2013 16:56

Completely agree with Ashoe's post.

Original poster
Lionessy · 27/06/2013 16:56

There will be no false eyelashes. The one time DD tried them, no one would take her seriously so she took them off in disgust, later almost giving me a heart attack when I found a large spider clinging to my foot (she'd missed the bin). They are now banned.

Ditto fake hair although DD does not need it as her natural hair is bum length anyway.

False nails are short french manicured ones. She bites hers.

No I am not more excited than her. I just want her to have a very rare experience where she has a reason to glam herself up, put on a long gown and feel great. She's usually in leggings, baggy t-shirt and Converse!

The reason her friends did not want to go was more to do with the bullies/bitches going. I am glad DD has decided to 'stand up' for herself albeit late in the day.

OP posts:
frissonpink · 27/06/2013 16:56

I don't think she sounds spoilt. I think you sound like an awesome, understanding mum.

Hmm

She sounds totally spoilt, and you sound like a pushover.

God help her when she gets into the real world and her boss will expect her to stand on her own two feet! You should have let her learn her lesson imo.

5Foot5 · 27/06/2013 16:56

Well done OP.

My DD had her Y11 prom last year and I would probably have done the same as you in the circumstances. Grumbled a bit yes but still have done everything I could.

They are very influenced by their peer group at that age. DD always wanted to go but wasn't taking the dressing up bit very seriously for most of the time. Her group of friends considered themselves a bit too "cool" for that and thought it was only the "orange girls" who got themselves in a stew about dresses months in advance. Then as the day approached and more and more people around her started talking dresses suddenly it was a pressing thing and she wanted me to help her get one. In the end we had a lovely dress and shoe shopping time and she thoroughy enjoyed the night.

We were spared the limo mania since the country club where it was held said their turning circle couldn't accomodate stretch vehicles so the cars were kept fairly sane and most people just got lifts from parents.

likesnowflakesinanocean · 27/06/2013 16:56

I loved my prom, no spray tan as I'm not a huge fan but I had so much fun shopping for and getting ready with my mum and my sister. my mum worked her backside off we were skint and I really appreciated it.glad your dd is getting to go one, you sound lovely I hope she appreciates it

BringBackBod · 27/06/2013 16:58

I think the tantrum at the lack of Limo is spoilt behaviour. You have spent all day running round after her. She sounds ungrateful.
And I do have teenagers.

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 16:59

It is threads like this that make me think that MN is not very real life at all.
Parrallel universe and all that.
There are thousands of proms going on, with thousand and thousands of 16 year olds attending.

As Donkey or Dolmio or someone said earlier, I think, on the whole [not today] that your kids do need to be more self sufficient, and self reliant, quite quickly now.
For their own good.

secretscwirrels · 27/06/2013 17:00

OP you should have posted this on teenagers where you would have half a chance of other parents of teens commenting instead of those whose DC are still toddlers.
There are not so many chances of spoiling your 16 year old and the Prom is one of them. Many of these commenting are remembering themselves as teenage girls so that just reinforces the fact that she will remember the way you helped her forever.
I must have been 16 once but it was a hundred years ago.

TheWoollybacksWife · 27/06/2013 17:01

OP you sound lovely and I hope your DD has a fantastic time tonight.

FWIW I would have done the same as you. Not because my DDs are spoilt or entitled (far from it, but I would say that, wouldn't I Wink) but because I am their mother and I do not want to see them upset when I can do something about it. I have 2 teen DDs - one has had both Yr11 and Yr13 proms and the other is in Yr9.

I'm glad your DD is over her tantrum about the limo. I was a contender for the world's worst teenager and spent a good portion of my time weeping in my bedroom over life's injustices. I love my mum (and my late father) and appreciate the things they did for me but I also respect the decisions they made that seemed so unfair at the time.

I am sure she will look lovely.

My leavers ball was spectacularly awful. I went to an all girls convent school. There were 60 bored 17 & 18 year olds chaperoned by 2 elderly nuns. Why we needed chaperoning I have no idea as there were no boyfriends allowed. The highlight of the evening was when my elderly physics teacher turned up to buy his physics set a drink. I was home long before the last bus.

trice · 27/06/2013 17:01

I think you are a lovely mum. I hope she has a fabulous time and that you get some nice photos before she sets off.

yamsareyammy · 27/06/2013 17:01

Lionessy, not only has she stood up, others are following her lead too.

Note to op. Advise her to get ready in plenty of time.
It all takes a long while, and then they will want photos etc

larrygrylls · 27/06/2013 17:02

I would say it is almost the opposite. Those of us without teens are seeing things dispassionately. Some of those with teens (not all) seem to be caught up in the mass hysteria. Maybe we will be caught up in the hysteria too, when we have teens. Doesn't make it good parenting, though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/06/2013 17:04

When I first read the OP's post, I was incredulous. I read about half of the following posts and then left the thread because I felt odd and didn't really understand why.

I've come back having pondered and this is my conclusion: the 'harsh' posts on this thread stem from a bit of jealousy, in my opinion. Many parents of the last generation wouldn't have tolerated this sort of behaviour, not at all, mum or not. There also wasn't this type of event 20 or 30 years ago, it was very much a 'leaver's disco' and that was low-key (although still lots of fun for many of us, I think!). I think that's why so many are a bit agahst that such a teen-tantrum would result in your rushing around to make it right. I think that many of us have taken a tantrum 'to the wire', pushing it so that we don't get to do a longed-for activity, cutting off our noses to spite our faces. I'm envious that my mum wouldn't have stepped in the way you did - and my dad certainly wouldn't have.

Your daughter is lucky to have such understanding parents and I can see that you're thrilled with her and perhaps secretly proud of how you think others might perceive her as the marvellous person you believe her to be (because she's your daughter). Personally, I think there ought to have been a cut-off point beyond which you would have said, "Listen up DD... this far and no further. Enough is enough". If she were my daughter, the limo thing would have been that point and no further behaviour would be tolerated. What's conceivably 'cute' in young girls/boys is not cute when they reach teenage years.

I don't think you're guilty of spoiling her, any more than another parent would/could do BUT, she's now 16. She's old enough to have consideration for you and your husband and, unless you've just posted an edited version for dramatic effect, she hasn't shown any, nor been in any way grateful for respectful. You will always love your daughter and think she's marvellous - the rest of the world will not. They will judge her on her behaviour and find it wanting if she isn't pulled up. There are plenty of knocks in life and we all want to protect our children from those.

Regarding the spray tan, and accessories, those are really minor things; some people see spray tan and think 'orange'. Every parent (especially mums) think their child is the most beautiful and want her to look her best. Perhaps part of that is down to how the mum themselves want to be viewed? I can see that it's a 'rite of passage' and important and I can totally understand that. You've invested a lot of time and money into the event and that should be acknowledged (by your daughter). She should also acknowledge her father's role, which is really significant too. She's a lucky girl and I hope the prom was everything she/you wanted it to be.

I hope you expect - and receive - a demonstration of gratitude from your daughter, however minor it is, it should be quite, quite clear. :)

TSSDNCOP · 27/06/2013 17:05

This is making me laugh out loud.

Kids always follow fashion in their teens, however crap and however much it makes adults go Hmm. It's just a phase. Currently it's all a bit TOWIE/MIC "stripper chic" wont necessarily make them dress like that in 10, 20 or 30 years.

If it did my friends and I would all still be in legwarmers and dancers tights and unable to resist leaping on yellow cabs when we visit NY Grin