PILs only praising DS for being "clever"

[ShadowStorm]

Been staying with the PILs for a few days, and have noticed that whenever they praise DS (22 months) for anything, they always throw in "clever". Regardless of what DS has done.

So far, things that he's been told that he's a clever boy for, or has done a clever thing, include:

Saying a word PILs haven't heard him say before
Sleeping through the night
Eating all his food at mealtime
Standing still for a nappy change
Kicking a ball to someone
Running without falling over
Scribbling with his crayons
Cuddling PILs

It's nice that they're being positive and praising him - but - the constant use of "clever" is really starting to get on my nerves.

Partly because I'd prefer DS to be praised for making an effort than for being clever, and partly because I can't see how some of these things he's getting told he's a "clever boy" about have anything at all to do with intelligence.

I haven't said anything so far, but WIBU to ask PIL's to stop using the word "clever" whenever they praise DS? Or should I just do my best to ignore it and keep my mouth shut for the next few days until we go home?

Actually, what MsJupiterJones just said!

I can see where you're coming from op, and agree with that effort should be praised rather than 'cleverness'. However, in the big picture, this will probably have a negligible effect, particularly if you are praising him in other ways. They may also change their language as your ds gets older.

I'm sure your PILs are not analysing their use of 'clever' and to them they are just praising a job well done. They sound lovely and so proud of your ds!

It is possible to over think this child raising thing you know.

They are being kind, they are being positive and they love him.

Chill the fuck out.

Morloth, have you read ThisOnesForYou's post?

Well thank you very much MN, you've just added another source of anxiety for a soon-to-be GM. I won't be able to open my bloody mouth will I?

I'm pretty sure that I will be using the word "clever" at some point and scarring the GC for life. I also called my own children beautiful, because they are to me. What was I thinking?

Yeah all this 'expert' talk is a bit blah blah though to be honest.

I raise my boys the same way I was raised and the same way DH was raised.

We are both happy well balanced individuals.

It isn't rocket science.

Be nice to your kids, it works.

GPs over praising every now and again is unlikely to have anything other than a positive effect.

Well said Morloth.
I can't see that doting grandparents do a child any harm. I adored my grandfather, he died when I was young, and I was the 'apple of his eye'. Of course he was biased- things that I did were 'clever'- whereas in others they were ordinary!! It was lovely to feel so special - we had a very special relationship. How sad if my mother had come along with her latest research and inhibited his conversation- and then said it was better for me!
Posters on MN seem to overanalyse what someone says- to the extent that you would worry about opening your mouth!

I am very thankful I have a daughter who has children, rather than son who has children.
Therefore I don't have a DIL to annoy everytime I open my mouth or move.

Parents in law are annoying to most of us because we are all used to our own parents' odd ways as we have grown up with them.
It is much harder to accept out PILs odd ways and we tend to criticise them.

TBH you may irritate them too.

They love your DS and he no doubt loves them and the attention he get from them.

They probably read the report a few weeks ago telling people they shouldn't praise children for their looks so were using clever to avoid doing that!

I like to use specific praise but telling children they are handsome/pretty/clever etc doesn't always cause harm.

My response to unwanted advice from MIL (and mother) was 'smile, nod, ignore' and it worked fine and stopped us falling out. I shall do exactly the same with unwanted advice from any future DIL. Much the best policy- no need for either side to impose their views.

Natural conversation has to be better than a stilted one where you have to wonder 'does the parent approve' before you say anything!

At a guess about 99% of parents/grandparents probably call children clever sometimes. The other 1% probably never say anything nice to them at all. Just be glad he has loving gps who take an interest. They sound lovely .

When I was at school, we had a prize day where a prize was awarded in each subject per year. One year they decided to introduce the "for effort" prizes too - my god, the ribbing you got if you won a "thicko but you tried hard" prize.

As I look back I do wonder what on earth school was thinking.

I think praising effort can be seen as a "oh well, you tried, even if the outcome is crap" or, hopefully "wow, you worked so hard at that and you can really tell, because it's great!".

It is hard, especially when they are small. I was praising my 6 month old for accurately eating bread earlier and started with "clever boy getting some in your mouth" and turned it into "wow, you're really working on getting that bread into your mouth aren't you? And look, you ate some!".

But I did feel a dick.

Liara I agree with what you've said

As for this "Oh take some responsibility for your life rather than moaning about how your (loving) grandparents ruined it"

What a horrible nasty thing to say georgesdawes

I ahree with you, it's proven to demotivate and make children arrogant. Well done or good effort is much better. dh is super arrogant

I had to tell mine that there is nothing clever about eating peas, picking up a doll, wiping mouth etc etc.

Hmm, I could actually identify with some of that post above (sorry can't remember poster's name). Having excelled throughout school I am terrified if getting anything wrong hence will often stay quiet in staff meetings for fear of saying the wrong thing, and this translates to social situations too in some ways. Definitely food for thought! My daughter is both intelligent and beautiful but I'll think a bit more carefully before praising her.

I don't think your inlaws will damage your son in any way though, OP. They're just using clever as a blanket praise I think. My mum uses it with my kids (for no real reason) and it doesn't bother me.

I can identify too blackholes, it was Liara's posts I think you mean. I think the main issue is when children are "pigeonholed" into a particular bucket. If they're constantly told they're "the clever one" for example this really can lead to constant anxiety because their feelings of self worth can become completely tied up in living up to that position. Any fall from that position can have a severe blow to self esteem.

In the case of the OP though it sounds more like limited vocab and an annoyance though at this stage.

Ps I think also if your child is brought up to be resilient and nor afraid if making mistakes then it wouldn't affect them so much... I had/have low self esteem and I remember once getting something wrong in a german lesson and being laughed at because I usually got it right... That should have just been water off a duck's back but it wasn't. Hopefully my cocky confident daughter won't have those issues.

The main thing I try to foster in my classroom is a safe environment where children can take risks and not be afraid to make mistakes. Slight digression but I always praise effort there!

Loshad Mon 24-Jun-13 23:47:38

"As educationalists we have used positive and specific praise for so long students start to to doubt themselves eg an exceptionally intelligent young man i taught was having a crisis of confidence just before his A levels. I reassured and told him he was really clever, his reply "oh no one ever tells me that, they all just say i am working hard and i do not know if i am clever enough ....." and rather more in that vein.
At the other end of the spectrum i was teaching a student with mild learning disabilities on a post 16 course. She came bouncing in to the lesson and asked me how her work had looked. I started with my usual "you have clearly worked very hard on this, i particularly liked ....."
Her face fell, and her reply "that is what everyone says when i have done shit" "

Interesting this and confirms my own experience that older children are extremely suspicious of anything that sounds like child rearing manual speech.

Otoh I think even small children recognise clearly enough that a gushing sound made by doting grandparents is just that: a nice sound by somebody who loves you.

A "clever" spoken by relatives who are actually comparing you to your not-so-clever cousin sounds quite different and children can hear that; on the whole, they are far better attuned to tone and intention than to actual words.

Dd's HT always used to tell me "I hear what you are saying, MrsCory". And we all knew that was textbook speech for "and I'm not going to take a blind bit of notice". Even the 9yo thought expressing it in cliches made it more offensive.

I think you could tackle this by leading by example. Praise your child the way you want them to, and they may catch on!

btw I do get your concerns. My brother was praised mainly for being clever. At 50 he has all but stalled in his life, as you get no points for being clever when you are a parent or in a relationship where other virtues are more important. He also works alone so gets no feedback on his brilliance and has become depressed - but he won't risk trying anything new for fear of failure.

My children are taught that you are born with your talents - its what you do with them that counts and mistakes and failure are a necessary consequence of taking risks and learning. Kindness is rated as highly as cleverness.

I think if your child can't distinguish between the gushing of a grandparent and the serious parenting done by his ...errrr... parents, then you've got more problems than an actual word.

Praising for effort can backfire too. You can't actually know how much effort goes into anybody's work: all you can really judge is the result.

I was constantly praised for my effort at school, when in actual fact I was as lazy as they come and just rather clever: I could manage to look as if I was concentrating intensely and come up with an excellent piece of work when I had spent the best part of the lesson daydreaming. As a result I thought effort meant 5 minutes of hastily putting things together before the bell rang, not the 45 minutes of sustained concentration that my teachers thought I was putting in.

cory 'Otoh I think even small children recognise clearly enough that a gushing sound made by doting grandparents is just that: a nice sound by somebody who loves you.'

Absolutely.

My boys are lucky to have a couple of doting grandmas and one loved up grandpa.

They know it is just their GPs being their GPs.

DS1 is rather clever, he does however have his head screwed on right because DH and I did the screwing on.

His GPs however think he is the brightest of the brightest and that the sun shines out of his butt. Why not? He adores them, they adore him, they won't have each other forever (or very long really sadly).

It isn't their job to raise them, it is their job to enjoy them and make them happy.

I agree morloth