To say don't let your young child go to the toilet alone

[1Veryhungrycaterpillar]

Today in a fast food restaurant I saw a lady with a child of around 3/4 who wanted to go to the toilets that were situated upstairs she said she didn't want to go (she had no other kids) with her and let him go alone, am I BU to say I wanted to shake some sense into her?? I suppose I'm more aware of it as I've seen cases of assault on young children in public toilets through my line of work but I would've thought most people wouldn't do it, I am ready to be corrected!

3/4 sounds a bit too young to me, but because of the risks of falling over, locking themselves in, walking into a cupboard, getting lost on the way back, shutting their fingers in the door, all that stuff.

Not because someone might molest them.

Other posters are right, it is close friends and family members who, sadly, are far more likely to do something than a complete stranger.

3yo DD is far too young to go on her own, even in our own house, from the practical (dour opening) and hygienic perspectives. No way would she go on her own in a public place.

7yo DS is allowed on his own in places he knows and where he knows how to get help if needed, or where we have a line of sight either to the loo door or the exit. Eg he can go on his own in most restaurants, cricket clubs etc. DH lets him go on his own at football if it's during play. But never in a big shop where it means going to a different floor, for example.

"I mean sexual abuse, you take young children to mean pre schoolers only, I don't. 4 in my general area is a lot IMO in any event"

So, tell us about the 4.

From a risk perspective I think there is a small difference between letting them go to the toilet where you are close by and can see the door and letting them go up a floor or a long way through a big resaurant/ department store on their own to get there. Paedophiles don't tend to lurk in toilets, but they can be opportunistic and there's a much higher chance that there's one sitting in a busy restaurant/shopping in the store than simply lurking in the toilet. A small child obviously on his/her own would be an easiy target in those circumstances I would have thought.

It's a bit like if you need help when you're out and about - better from a risk perspective to ask someone specifically than to accept the kindness of someone who offers; the chance of the random person you asked being a thief/paedophile/etc. is less than the chance of someone who targets you.

Nevertheless, still less likely than if you leave them at home of an evening with Granddad babysitting.

I have let my DCs go to a public toilet on their own at 4, though only where I can see and I've gone in after to clean up! I also leave them at home with their Granddad babysitting. I wouldn't let them go up a floor or wait outside the restaurant for them because I would be concerned they'd get lost and make a mess, but if this mother took her DC to that restaurant everyday we would judge her for that instead, the child was happy to go alone and good on the toilet and washing up after, I don't see there's much problem, though I'd probably be really surprised to see it.

The majority of people on this thread agree that 3 is too young for whatever reason be it opportunistic pervs or lack of hygiene so if you translate it into RL it stands to reason that not many toddlers be are assaulted in public as hopefully the majority of them won't be alone.

Keepcoolcalm said "it is neglect". Sorry , what did she mean? What is neglect?

You linked children going to the loo on their own with the potential for sexual abuse. A direct link. You are now backtracking. I loathe this ridiculous scaremongering.

Yep, me too.

If you're really worried, I assume you do make sure you never leave your children alone with their fathers...

How am I backtracking??

My dd is 5 and I've never let her go into the toilets alone. Even when the pushchair doesn't fit through the door I leave ds further out and stand in the doorway so I can see her go into the cubicle and come out.

This is not just because of potentially bad things happening, but also, incase she gets locked inside.

We disagree on the definition of young children Curlew and the cases (which I have already outlined so not sure why you keep asking) were enough for me to get scared, I don't understand what you think I'd stand to gain by lying? It stands to reason that if it happened to these slightly older children it could potentially happen to a toddler should they be left alone. There is nothing you could say to make me think that a 3 year old alone in the toilet is ok.

"We disagree on the definition of young children Curlew"

No we don't. We disagree on the definition of "risk"

my exh left my then 18 month old dd with a random person in Macdonalds one time cos my 3 year old ds wanted to use bathroom and exh couldnt possibly bring a girl into the gents

Did I mention hes an Exh :o

I would let a child go to the toilet alone once I could trust them to do the whole thing properly and know what they were doing and not get lost or distracted.

And I would take into account the 'vibe' of the surroundings.

But not to let them go cos of a possible pedophile seems like letting yourself get spooked for no good reason.

I would not let my 12 yesr old do that.

and trust me, I don't helicopter parent!

A man to touch my brother inappropriately (said he was well-dressed) in the bathrooms of Sydney's Central train station when he was about 8. He was realky shaken by it and I don't think Dad let him go by himself for almost a decade when out and about.

tried, sorry

amazing are you really saying you wouldnt let a twelve year old go off to the toilet on theur own upstaurs in a restaraunt?! whyever no?!!

Ds1 is 13 now but he goes off into town on his own to go to lazer quest, cinema etc and has been doing since he started high school, he is summer born as well so was just 11 when he started high school. Ds2 is ten and goes to the shops and park etc on his own and when we are out off to the toilet on his own.

I wouldn't let a three year old but you do have to start to start letting them. I have boys and at about 6yrs they flatly refused to go into the ladies.
Not letting a 12 yr old go alone is frankly ridiculous - she is of the age where she doesn't do everything with mother. If I was her I would just shoot off quickly while you were busy with a 'just going to the loo- back in a minute' . Some DCs are not assertive enough. If she was a boy she couldn't go in the ladies and you couldn't go in the gents.
It is lazy parenting - you need to equip her for simple everyday tasks like going to the toilet in a restaurant alone.

I don't trust you- you obviously helicopter parent to a neurotic degree!

I think amazings 12 yr old is a boy? As she has similar to me five boys and then a girl... To my four boys and then a girl. Anyway perhaps amazing will come back to clarify and it was a typo?!....

If the 12yr old is a boy she simply can't! I never see 12yrs old boys in the ladies. And imagine if their school friends saw them- they would never live it down!
They need to stand on their dignity more. My nephew said when 6yrs 'I am a man you know!'
It is much easier for a boy with an overprotective mother- they can just zoom through the door to the gents and mother can't follow!

I think amazing needs to come back to explain how she supervises her son's toileting when he is out with his mates/girlfriend/school field trip. And how long she intends this to continue.

My 6 year refuses point plank to go into the loo with me in public. He insists on going into the gents. This means I have a really battle with my 4 year old who insists on following his older brother. At the local pool the changing rooms are unisex and busy anyway so I'm happy with this and stand outside.

In the situation described in the OP I would go with both my children because the loos sound some distance away from the table.

I think it is my job to give my children indepedence and the ability to fend for themselves in case we are ever separated.

in public, in busy places I don't let them out of my sight.
my DH goes with them to the toilet to surpervise them and look after them, but not to wipe their butts

is that clearer?