To say don't let your young child go to the toilet alone

[1Veryhungrycaterpillar]

Today in a fast food restaurant I saw a lady with a child of around 3/4 who wanted to go to the toilets that were situated upstairs she said she didn't want to go (she had no other kids) with her and let him go alone, am I BU to say I wanted to shake some sense into her?? I suppose I'm more aware of it as I've seen cases of assault on young children in public toilets through my line of work but I would've thought most people wouldn't do it, I am ready to be corrected!

Quite apart from having to ensure DP's DD flushes, washes her hands and doesn't leave pee everywhere (which somehow happens every time), for me it's a safety issue...

There's a book called The Pact by Jodi Picoult, which I read as a teenager. In it, the girl goes to the toilet in a McDonald's and something happens to her that eventually, several years later, contributes to her suicide.

It's a very sad story and ever since I read it I have always been very conscious of children around me going to public toilets alone. I will not allow my DP's DD to go alone even when she says her mum/nan/whoever else let's her (she's only 6), and my nephew had to use the ladies until he was 8. Even now (he's now 10) I will wait outside the men's for him or insist he goes in company.

Maybe that's overly paranoid, but at least nothing awful happens to them...

I don't really understand how toilets are so dangerous? Even if there WAS a paedo in there looking for a victim, which is very unlikely given all the CCTV as someone mentioned, aren't there people usually coming in and out all the time? When would the opportunity be there to attack a 3 year old? Particularly somewhere like burger king at lunch time?

I think you need to look rationally at the situation.

The way risk is perceived by most people is soooooo depressing.

My DDs go on their own in the local caff which is tiny. Anywhere else I would take them generally or be nearby for older one (8).

But BlatantRedhead, there are other terribly sad books about people eventually committing suicide because of something that happened to them at school- does that mean we should never let our children go to school?

And other terribly sad books about terribly sad things that happened to the protagonist when he or she stayed with relatives- does that mean no child should ever be allowed to stay with relatives?

Your ds is 10. He will soon need a life of his own, unsupervised by adults. You need to start training yourself to think along those lines.

From about 5/6 i let them.go on their own and stand outside by the door. They go to the toilet on their own at school so age four for some children. As long as its somewhere i know etc and they know the layout then i think letting them go in on their own is ok.

I was at a pub with a play area the other week and ds3 8 and ds4 5 went off to the toilet themselves. I stayed at the play area with ds2 and dd and my friends son. They had to go just inside the pub and to the toilet. Its a small local pub that they know.

curlew I don't agree.

When something happens to you in a public place, it totally ruins your life.

It happened to a 14 yr old boy recently, just at an age where we are letting them go free!

Public toilets have always attracted odd balls. That is a more depressing thought TBH.

I percieve more risk from males that have access to my children than strangers. This list includes Granddads, uncles and male teachers and also ofther male children.

Even with the best intention in the world you cant protect your children from everything. Taking my 4yo to the toilet is about proper hygine practice and not because of the risk of attack.

I just think 3/4 is too young, No I don't think there will be a paedo lurking at the top of the slide at soft play! To add a bit more info all bar one of the cases I have seen took place in the mens toilets, im not sure which toilets an unaccompanied male toddler would choose

Cory - obviously he does go, I clearly said he does. I'm not stopping him doing anything, I'm just saying I have an uneasy feeling about it.

Both DSs have plenty of freedom, just as they should at their ages, it doesn't stop me worrying about their safety though!

"All bar one of theses cases"

How many cases are we talking about? Why have they not been reported in the press? Or did I somehow miss it?

Not saying there isn't risk elsewhere, just that it left a really deep impression on me and I proceed cautiously in that situation as a result.

School toilets are totally different from public toilets, surely your kids learn how to go to toilet independently at home? Even I don't think a weirdo will emerge from your u bend

I think there is a cut-off point where you have to accept that your youngster is going to be exposed to a certain amount of risk because you cannot function independently if you do not get used to doing your own risk assessment.

I would put that at higher than 3 or 4, though. At that age, I would assume that they don't really need to develop much independence and that most of their activities will take place under the watchful eye of me or another adult.

A 10-12yo needs to be developing his own risk assessment skills. A 3-4yo does not.

"Not saying there isn't risk elsewhere, just that it left a really deep impression on me and I proceed cautiously in that situation as a result."

But if you know that your caution is irrational, it's up to you to deal with it, rather than letting it impact on your step children.

I've seen around four through work and one through the press. I agree with you in some respects and I don't think had this child been a few years older I would have batted an eyelid, I just don't think it takes much to wait outside the toilet

yy Cory, I definitely think it was the fact that it was a toddler and he had to go up to the next floor on his own

That sounds good, LazyMonkey; smothering fears is what we all have to do at times. (though sadly I have come across parents who have never managed it, and have left their dc handicapped by their protectiveness)

Really? 5 cases of toddlers being assaulted in public loos? Why on earth weren't they big press stories? Did they catch the person who did it? When and where?

BlatantRedhead, surely when you make decisions about somebody else's life (your 10yo's) you do so from a proper risk assessment, not from the relative eloquence of various writers of fiction? Otherwise you could end up allowing some seriously dodgy things just because somebody wrote so very persuasively about them.

Yanbu lazy parenting. That child is way to young to go to the loo outer own especially one situated upstairs out of sight. I hope nothing happens to that child

remotecontrolduck one of the cases I had at work was involving two young boys sexually assaulted in a McDonalds Mens toilets in the middle of the day, yes they caught the man on CCTV (Paedophiles can decide how much they are willing to risk detection to get what they want) but the damage was already done. Dad was waiting os the restaurant

So tell me about these 5 toddlers being assaulted then.

Tricky one. Factors I would consider.

• Is it the blokes' loos or the ladies they'd be going to?
• Is it eg the loos in a massive department store in the middle of city or is it eg the loos at a National Trust stately home?
• How mature is the child?
• How far away are the loos?

I would let my just four year old go to the ladies loo alone in the cafe of our local NT property (ha ha how MN does that sound!!! ). I probably would let her in the small Macdonalds of our local small town too, though you can see the loo from where we sit!

Not sure what I will do when its DS rather than DD though! He's still in nappies though so plenty of time to consider that one.