To think she is asking a little to much of me as a bridesmaid?

[ovenbun]

I feel super unkind writing this and may need a MN slap for it but I am getting a bit tired of my dear friend's expectations of me as a bridesmaid.

Firstly can I say I am so very pleased and happy that she is getting married and I do genuinely feel lucky to have been asked and very very happy to be part of it all :) I think i might have facilitated the problem too by being so happy and enthusiatic ...and now i feel very guilty that my enthusiasm is waning as im finding it all a bit hard work..we have been preparing for over 2 years and even when the wedding was 2 years away we went away for my husbands birthday n she brought massive files of wedding stuff for us to work on..and expected regular trips of all of us to wedding fairs, girly wedding prep evenings with the bridesmaids..i didnt see it as an issue at the time but my husband has said lately 'thats where it all started'..

I have been grated by comments/expectations such as 'you have to commit to a dress size' someone innocently said that the potential brides dress complemented the bridesmaids dresses n she launched into a big rant 'they are there to complement me' (true but no need to spell it out) and just general narcissim really...its so disheartening because i love her so much but this stuff is spoiling our relationship.

The thing i find most hard is i am also bridesmaid for two other close family members while she has been planning (long engagement) and she has been quite disparraging about their weddings even to the point of making quite an unkind status about the weather on one wedding day..and making a big deal about her wedding (a hairstyle practise night, dress shopping and a preparation evening) all in the week leading up to my family members wedding...bear in mind her wedding is over a year away.

wedding dress shopping...we have monthly appointments to attend with 1 or 2 shops each time to 'last it out',,she expects a large group of extended family n friends to attend each of these, we have even had to ring wedding shops to see if we can skype people in...the time in the shop is magic n she looks so beautiful i do really love it, but afterwards we are all expected to only discuss the wedding and to spend a long time going through many photos of her in each dress,
(from 2/3 different cameras). I once made the mistake of asking another bridesmaid how her son was doing in his exams (on the way home from the shop) and the bride interjected with 'he will look so handsome in his suit for MY WEDDING'

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

the latest is that we are all expected to attend a '1 year before the wedding' celebration meal at an expensive place...she has said she understands if its too much money but I just feel so pressured...I want to be there but not to bash other peoples weddings or to be measured on my topics of conversation..

I can't address is with her can i? or it'll make her feel sad and like im not interested which isnt true at alll..i just find the intensity of it all a bit tough...god im a horrible person aren't I? Help!

On the topic of brides, did anyone watch the programme last night about Glastonbury? There was film of a bride in full Tudor wedding dress, screaming at festival goers and shouting that she was calling the wedding off, I think because her wedding was being ruined by the noise from Glastonbury. It was horrifying to watch!

Which programme was it, lilac, it sounds worth a watch for the bridezilla moment alone!

Agree with those who have suggested that as a way of bringing her down to earth you could joke about it all - has she planned the wedding night bonking yet? Perhaps a position board as a 'one year to go' present? Then suggest that she and the groom concentrate on practising, and leave you all to get on with your lives!

Snort, she'll probably have one year after my wedding celebratory dinners until PFB arrives. It will be epic, in the birth-of-Jesus kind of way, and you shall shower her with gold and frankincense. I bet her mother gift list won't be the sly doing of a rouge party planner either.

Apart from anything else - like the bride being chicken oriental - there are going to be no surprises for the guests on the day. Cos, they've all been involved up to their back teeth.
It's way past time she had a reality check. Yes it's nice she's getting married but for everyone else it's just a fancy party. And she's going to have a roomful of guests saying 'thank God for that'.
She needs telling. No beating about the bush - just telling.

I was bridesmaid for a friend who went a bit bridezilla once. We didn't pander to her though, much to her dismay, but her family had some awful treatment (more fool them for taking it with a weak smile).

In the end, she was ill, all day, on her wedding day. She missed roughly half of the day after the service had finished.

Just saying.

Wow.just.wow.

Skype in bridal shop? I really have heard it all now.

If the groom is in any way normal, this won't even get as far as the church. She seriously needs saving from herself.

Oh dear!!! What a nightmare, I feel so awful for you because your normally sane friend has morphed into this self obsessed nightmare and you have to burst her bubble! So, so hard. By any standards this is extreme though. Funny to read about but seriously annoying in rl.

I love Stealth's banner idea! That actually could defuse things brilliantly.....or could cause a meltdown! I think if I were you I would continue to be unavailable for some of the events and sort of drop in little hints like "so.sorry I can't make that date, I'm doing such and such. Of course I'm excited about the wedding but life goes on"

Good luck!

Snoopy. It was called Glastonbury and was on from 23.30 -1.45 on BBC2 last night. It was a history of the festival. There was no info given about the bride though, just film of her ranting at the cameras. (Just a couple of short snippets.) She had completely lost it, poor thing. Maybe the noise was drowning out her wedding so much that it was impossible for them to carry on?

can you wangle me an invite for the '1 year to the wedding celebration'- I would LOVE to go to that, my poor old mind is boggling at the very idea, let alone the rest of me!

What is the betting that after the wedding she gets pregnant straight away then the pregnancy and birth of PFB will fill the void left by the wedding build up. If you don't put your foot down now you will be hooked into monthly baby showers and a blow-by-blow account of every contraction. Then there will be the christening to plan........ Don't feed the madness- just say 'no' to her, trust us at MN, no one has said you are the unreasonable one, for once we are all in agreement!

Sorry Weasel- I took so long to type that I x-post with you!!

Why do you keep saying these bride-centred evenings/shopping trips where anything but bridal talk is banned are lovely? They don't sound lovely, they sound like the same day out over and over again twice a month for two years. Surely you want more to your social life than examining tiaras in various venues?
When the wedding is over you'll have nothing left to talk about.

You just have to say no op

how can any wedding have actual days dedicated to it, what the actual feck.

Create your own mood board op.

Oh my, this is insane! Can you imagine the fallout if you were to tell her you were thinking of TTC over the coming months?! I'd be tempted to just to see her reaction...

So basically I have to man up...scary but true...dinner there tonight/...I'll start out jokey n then have a more serious 'i'm a bit worried about you because'...chat. Thank you so much for the advice and support xx

Can I just throw in here...imagine what she will be like when pregnant and preparing for the baby!

Op, yanbu at all!

you're a saint.

I'd have killed her aready.

Good luck OP. I hope she can see the bigger picture and that you're trying to help.

Let us know how you get on!

of course YANBU.
I'm planning my wedding at the moment and I have to say that i do think about it every day, but try not to involve anyone except OH, and don't actually ask anyone to go anywhere with me..we all have lives after all!
I feel I should warn you though that as a BM one of your duties (theoretically--and I know this from some of the mad women on the wedding forums) is to organise the Hen do. It sounds like your friend is a bit OTT in everything so i would suggest touching base with the other BMs to work out what you can afford between you and get on with organising something before Bridezilla commits you all to a long weekend somewhere expensive and then moans if anyone can't make it....

Definately not unreasonable

I har a perfectly rational and reasonable friend who went absolutely batshit over her wedding. Actually, I'm not sure who was worse, bride or groom.

DH was best man and groom demanded DH to not play football for 2 months prior to the wedding in case he injured himself. I had to promise not to get pregnant between certain dates. We were expected to spend hours debating the merits of tomato and basil soup over mushroom consommé, attend taster sessions with every caterer within a 100 mile radius, endless bollocks about colour schemes, sugar roses, cream or white candles on the tables, attending endless wedding fairs, on and on and on

We told them in the nicest way possible to wind it in and offered to resin as bridesmaid/best man. We didn't do all this guff for our wedding so I'd be blowed if I was going to do it for someone else's. My bridesmaids came to dress fittings, organised a night out in Pizza Express and rocked up on the day. End of.

So basically I have to man up...scary but true...dinner there tonight/...I'll start out jokey n then have a more serious 'i'm a bit worried about you because'...chat. Thank you so much for the advice and support xx

just do it if she mentions wedding roll your eyes and sigh then smile see she is even coming to your house to talk about HER WEDDING. talk about marriage instead and say you will not be able to go on her 2 days/nights a month as you have a life or say you are busy

please update us Op we will all be thinking of you!

She's totally OTT.

My BM was going to be a BM for another friend a couple of months before my wedding (oddly at the neighbouring hotel). She was a bridezilla and did things like randomly changing the colours of the BM dress (style already dictated), there was some complicated saga over picking a hair dresser which involved something like 3 appointments before even getting to hair trials. Anyway after all that, the poor girl got sacked following an arguement over her BF who the bride's psycho mother insisted on slagging off (he's rather short and has a good sense of humour about it, but being called an oompa lumpa behind his back was plain vicious).

Oh well, the bridezilla was divorced within 2 years. The groom ran off with someone sane.

My friend also got to go to a wedding on the same day- saved her double booking problem. It also meant she could see her BF on her birthday which was the day before the wedding. He wasn't invited to the meal the night before. (I suspect a lot of the issue was that Bridezilla was jealous of my friend sharing her time and attention with a new BF).

.imagine what she will be like when pregnant and preparing for the baby!

the ^lipstick now* bride i was talking about is having a baby oh dear gawd she is mental and the only person to ever have a baby ever. she is getting her cot made and pram delivered from abroad