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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is asking a little to much of me as a bridesmaid?

290 replies

ovenbun · 24/06/2013 09:54

I feel super unkind writing this and may need a MN slap for it but I am getting a bit tired of my dear friend's expectations of me as a bridesmaid.

Firstly can I say I am so very pleased and happy that she is getting married and I do genuinely feel lucky to have been asked and very very happy to be part of it all :) I think i might have facilitated the problem too by being so happy and enthusiatic ...and now i feel very guilty that my enthusiasm is waning as im finding it all a bit hard work..we have been preparing for over 2 years and even when the wedding was 2 years away we went away for my husbands birthday n she brought massive files of wedding stuff for us to work on..and expected regular trips of all of us to wedding fairs, girly wedding prep evenings with the bridesmaids..i didnt see it as an issue at the time but my husband has said lately 'thats where it all started'..

I have been grated by comments/expectations such as 'you have to commit to a dress size' someone innocently said that the potential brides dress complemented the bridesmaids dresses n she launched into a big rant 'they are there to complement me' (true but no need to spell it out) and just general narcissim really...its so disheartening because i love her so much but this stuff is spoiling our relationship.

The thing i find most hard is i am also bridesmaid for two other close family members while she has been planning (long engagement) and she has been quite disparraging about their weddings even to the point of making quite an unkind status about the weather on one wedding day..and making a big deal about her wedding (a hairstyle practise night, dress shopping and a preparation evening) all in the week leading up to my family members wedding...bear in mind her wedding is over a year away.

wedding dress shopping...we have monthly appointments to attend with 1 or 2 shops each time to 'last it out',,she expects a large group of extended family n friends to attend each of these, we have even had to ring wedding shops to see if we can skype people in...the time in the shop is magic n she looks so beautiful i do really love it, but afterwards we are all expected to only discuss the wedding and to spend a long time going through many photos of her in each dress,
(from 2/3 different cameras). I once made the mistake of asking another bridesmaid how her son was doing in his exams (on the way home from the shop) and the bride interjected with 'he will look so handsome in his suit for MY WEDDING'

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

the latest is that we are all expected to attend a '1 year before the wedding' celebration meal at an expensive place...she has said she understands if its too much money but I just feel so pressured...I want to be there but not to bash other peoples weddings or to be measured on my topics of conversation..

I can't address is with her can i? or it'll make her feel sad and like im not interested which isnt true at alll..i just find the intensity of it all a bit tough...god im a horrible person aren't I? Help!

OP posts:
mrsjay · 24/06/2013 10:24

OP i think you are going to have to say you cant commit to 2 days a month and as the wedding is years away what can she be organising, tbf on my friend hers was a year and a half planning (she was still a loon)

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 24/06/2013 10:24

and agree with mrsjay she is likely to have a major come down after its over

ExitPursuedByABear · 24/06/2013 10:25

The woman is an absolutely loon. There is no way that the day itself could possibly live up to her expectations and the downer afterwards will be massive.

Good luck OP

Floggingmolly · 24/06/2013 10:25

God, the poor fool...

TheCraicDealer · 24/06/2013 10:28

You might as well join the TA- about the same time commitment each month, and at least you get paid for it.

In all honesty, if this were a friend of mine I would be worried about their sanity and potential state of mind after her "big day". Because that's what it is, one day.

What are the plans for the hen do, OP? I bet it's appropriately over the top...

THERhubarb · 24/06/2013 10:28

Aw poor you!
I agree she is a nightmare but just knowing that doesn't help you does it?

Listen, you need to be brave with this one. She is your friend so tell her that you and her need to have a talk - without anyone else being there. Take her out for coffee and spell it out to her.

Make a list of everything you have done for her so far and make it clear that enough is enough. Tell her the truth, that it is interfereing in your normal life.

Was she a bridesmaid at your wedding? If so you can remind her that you didn't ask her to commit her entire life to your wedding.

Some of the nicest people can turn into monsters when it comes to weddings and she just needs exorcising from the monster she's become.

You cannot and simply must not keep caving in like this. I'm sure you are not the only one to feel utterly fed up by it. Yes she might sulk and threaten to banish you from bridesmaid duties but I doubt it as it's gone too far now and would ruin her meticulous plans.

She simply needs reminding that you all have lives to lead. You cannot devote a couple of days every month for a wedding that is more than a year away. It's too much.

Show her this thread and just explain, in the nicest terms as you have done on here, that you love her and feel honoured to be asked but that she is changing into someone you barely recognise and making demands that are taking you away from your family, your husband and your other friends.

If you don't say something than this could well cause a row between you and your family or dh and it's really not worth it. She also stands to lose a few friends herself.

Bite the bullet and tell her.

Aetae · 24/06/2013 10:29

Wow. Just... Wow.

The poor mad girl. She's going to have some kind of major breakdown after this wedding is over. Do you know why she so obsessively needs to be the centre of attention? It's not normal, she must be trying to fill some kind of hole in her soul.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 24/06/2013 10:29

She's being a total dickhead to be honest and someone needs to tell her (maybe not in those words)
Ugh. I'd have backed out of bridesmaid duty and her life a loooooong time ago.

mrsjay · 24/06/2013 10:29

You cannot and simply must not keep caving in like this.

this

pictish · 24/06/2013 10:30

Their wedding is well over a year away and i am expected to give at least two days a month to things like prerparation evenings which are lovely but focussed on making things for the wedding, compiling the several wedding files (kind of like a library of 100 mood boards), pinning to the 6 wedding themed shared boards she has made on pinterest etc.

I know we're all kind of laughing about this monster of a bride, but really it's not that funny. Who the fuck does she think she is, demanding so much of people?

I cannot stress again, how much she should be told in no uncertain terms to calm the fuck down and get over herself. This is not normal behaviour.

Has she got form for being an attention grabbing, selfish twit, or has the wedding triggered her illness?

StealthPolarBear · 24/06/2013 10:30

Thats all well and good rhubarb but what about my banner plan?

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 24/06/2013 10:31

This is only going to escalate during the next 12 months OP, so you need to put the brakes on (then get into reverse gear) quickly!

She sounds nuts and completely obsessed. What on earth will she do to fill her time after her wedding day? Will she fall into a pit of depression?

It is just beyond unreasonable to ask people to spend this much time and money in the (very long) run up to her (their) wedding.

My plan of attack would be something like number 3 suggested above if you think that would work ok. If not, it could all get a bit awkward but I would want to get it sorted sooner rather than later.

Do keep us updated!

pictish · 24/06/2013 10:31

I loved your plan stealth. Grin
God knows she would deserve it!

mrsjay · 24/06/2013 10:32

I was at a wedding last year and the bride was yelling at her maid of honour LIPSTICK NOW and off she trotted behind the loon what is wrong with some women they get a white frock on and go mad

FriendlyLadybird · 24/06/2013 10:35

I once got sacked as a bridesmaid for lack of involvement and enthusiasm! I cannot tell you how relieved I was.

How good a friend is she? Could you tell her? Because she sounds as if she's gone mad.

THERhubarb · 24/06/2013 10:36

Ok forget what I said, it's far too sensible. Go with Stealth's banner Grin

StealthPolarBear · 24/06/2013 10:37

Thank you. Happy now all tbe attention is, rightly, on me.

FryOneFatManic · 24/06/2013 10:38

I'd have to have a bet on how long the marriage lasts afterwards. Sounds cruel, but anecdotally, the shortest marriages I know of had the most extensive weddings and therefore planning. She really needs to see how daft she's getting.

Jenijena · 24/06/2013 10:39

I'd open a book about the length of the marriage, I give it two years. Anyone spending that much time talking about the wedding will be a nightmare to live with and married life will be a huge anti climax.

AntoinetteCosway · 24/06/2013 10:40

Wtf is a wedding prep night?!

She's bonkers. You have to say something now or you'll want to kill her by the time the wedding actually happens and then the friendship will be over.

Her poor DP!!

tearoomtrash · 24/06/2013 10:44

Once the wedding is over it will be wedding photo/video nights, girls night in to look through copious honeymoon photos/videos, baby shower (and probably pre-baby shower prep nights!), etc etc etc...

She has had a taste of being the centre of attention and she's loving it. This will not stop once the wedding is over.

She will probably use the "you were my bridesmaid" card to emotionally blackmail you for the rest of your friendship.

I speak from experience unfortunately Angry

Nip it in the bud now before your relationship breaks down. I haven't seen or spoken to my bridezilla friend for several years and its such a shame as it was once a really strong & supportive friendship.

FruOla · 24/06/2013 10:44

Hahahaha, this is the best ever wedding thread that I've read Grin

I have nothing new to add to the, already, sensible - and hilarious - suggestions.

YADNBU and you are definitely not a horrible person. Good luck!

ENormaSnob · 24/06/2013 10:50

Is she called muriel?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/06/2013 10:52

She.is.derranged. Shock

YANBU - at all. Grin

mrsjay · 24/06/2013 10:53

I once got sacked as a bridesmaid for lack of involvement and enthusiasm! I cannot tell you how relieved I was.

No way what did she say to you ?

OP if the wedding wasn't so far away id be convinced you were my sister poor girl is knackered with all her bridesmaid duties the wedding is next month and sis has already been to two final fittings with a last fitting rehearsal booked for next week