Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

Yabu plainly ur functioning alcoholic. Time to do AA mate. Something u said or did pushed her to this behaviour. Sort it.

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

You delusional drunk.

Like most drunks, I imagine you dribble on in a maudlin way about how much you love your kids, how much they mean to you..

You love the booze more.

They'll grow up hating you, pitying you and having the same contempt for you as you modelled for them every single time you chose drinking over their needs.

If you are a troll, well done on upsetting me and a great number of other posters struggling to function as children of alcoholics, even decades on.

I need to hide this thread because you disgust and frighten me and I feel so very sorry for your children.

And so very happy that your wife is protecting them as they deserve.

I feel so very sorry for your children. Please get help for their sake. They need you.

No sign of HQ yet?

I wonder has anyone reported for possible trolling.

I am NOT a troll. As far as I am aware "trolling" is for spiteful incendiary purposes is it not? This is how things are for me at the moment, its not trying to upset or provoke anyone and I posted here at ex W's suggestion. I can see why as you all seem to agree with her.

May I point out that MN is not a place where all women agree with each other regardless - the reason everyone on this thread is in agreement is because you have relayed your facts and we all see you as being in the wrong.

We're not agreeing with your wife as she hasn't posted and given her interpretation of your behaviour, we're disagreeing with you.

You're not upsetting anyone.

You're irritating the fuck out of me! But I tend to react like that to selfish alcoholics anyway.

We are all agreeing with her BECAUSE SHE IS RIGHT!

I said this last night, but I will say it again - if you have had 'a few drinks' whilst out with your children, you are impaired. Your reaction times will be slower, and your judgement will be affected.

Of course you don't think you are affected by the booze - but you are.

I spoke of experiments last night - in these, people were given measured amounts of alcohol then asked to drive a simulator and see how the alcohol affected their driving and their perception of risk. Even when they thought they were doing fine, were totally unaffected, the test proved that they were affected - they missed potential hazards, exceeded the speed limit and all in all, their driving standards dropped.

When you are out with your children you are responsible for their safety and you can't do that properly if you are impaired by drink.

What if one of your kids runs out in the road, and you don't react fast enough to grab them back, because of the alcohol, and they are hit by a car? Could you live with that?

Do you want your kids to grow up thinking, 'Dad can only bear to spend time with us if he is pissed'? Or do you want your problem drinking (because it IS problem drinking - you can't manage without a drink when taking your kids out, make excuses for your drinking, blame everyone but yourself for your drinking and would choose drink over your children - that is an alcohol problem) to affect them and lead to them having drinking problems??

Would I let someone drink in my DC's bedroom? No
Would I let someone with a history of alcohol problems drink in my house? No
Would I let someone with a history of drinking too much drink while looking after my children? No

Hope that helps.

I believe you're not a troll because you sound so like my alcoholic ex it's untrue.

We are not disagreeing with you because you are a man. It's because we have a different perspective to you on this situation, because we look at it from the outside with no vested interest.

My ex genuinely thought he was behaving normally when drunk and that it had no impact on anyone else. Can you consider that you might be the same, and that you may, in fact, be having an impact on your children?

Just another take on why you are wrong when you say your drinking doesn't effect your children...
When you are drinking too much, you are stressing your ex wife out. When she is stressed out, she will be acting differently around them, whether that is being snappy, more protective, less likely to let them spend time with you.

But she will be acting other than 'her usual self' and your DCs WILL pick up on that, and they WILL quickly notice the pattern between you turning up (pissed) and mum being stressed and not as nice. And they WILL blame you for that.

And to echo what others have said, you have a drinking problem.
It doesn't matter that your colleagues/friends/family also drink a lot.
Comparing yourself to them doesn't detract from your problem, much like if you are 5 stone overweight, pointing to other people who are 6 stone overweight won't make you any less likely to have a heart attack.

And on that note, you might also want to have a think about the health impacts of your drinking. Aside from your behaviour and the impact that has on your DCs, you are limiting your life by drinking so heavily.
I'm sure your DCs don't want to see you dying of alcohol-related diseases any more than your wife wants to see you turning up hammered.

Yabu, your wife left you because you drank excessively, she now doesn't want you around the kids drunk-quite rightly so.
You need to start putting your children first by getting the help you need, instead of focusing on who's fault the marriage breakup was.

To be clear, I don't automatically drink round my kids. Most times I don't but I think I should be able to have a couple without her blowing it up into a big deal. That's all. I rarely drink round them. It's her constantly going on about it that's the problem. And when we watch a DVD together, which she has stopped now by the way, the kids are in bed. She doesn't want me to drink AT ALL and is making it a problem when it isn't one.

To all the other posters on this thread - am I right in saying that if it were a woman posting this, who used to drink to excess, and her ex-husband was insisting she didn't drink in the kids' bedroom, didn't visit them when she was the worse for wear, and didn't drink around them, we would be saying exactly the same thing to her that we are saying to Soisitmeorher?

Soisitmeorher - if you are looking after the children, and have a couple of drinks, your judgement WILL be impaired, and you ARE putting them at risk. That is why your ex is making these demands. And she is absolutely right to do so.

I might have one beer in a pub/restaurant maybe once a year, and free wine with a meal in my holiday hotel, but that's about it.

I had a colleague who was a bit miffed that someone thought that drinking a bottle of wine every night was excessive. He thought that was perfectly normal, his mother did it.

I don't understand why drinking seems to be regarded as a necessary part of life in the UK. For example, I'm thinking of the reaction when politicians tried to set a minimum price, and they're told they're punishing responsible drinkers. Or female newspaper columnists telling public health advisors to feck off with their limits.

Your life needn't be any less happy if you don't drink.

If someone told me I could never have another drink, I would feel the same as if they had told me I could never again eat marmalade. It wouldn't cross my mind that this was any sort of hardship.

SDT Yes. Absolutely. Altho I would probably be a bit sexist and even more shocked that a woman was behaving like that, as I have only experienced the fallout of men's alcohol dependency.

OP - if it is a problem to her, then it's a problem. The fact that you don't see it as a problem is irrelevant. You're in her home, and they are her children too. She is well within her rights.

A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument

What exactly happened during this 'nasty argument'? It will probably shed a lot of light on why she has finally had enough.

Oh, and what everybody else said...

Soisit... There are thousands of women- and men- on this site. They range from very young to very old, they live all over the world, they follow all different religions and political parties, some have ten children, some have none.
AND NONE OF THEM THINK YOU ARE RIGHT.
Not one of these diverse people from all over the UK and the world, thinks you have a point.
How can you not see that you are wrong?

So do NONE of you have a couple of pints or glasses of wine round your kids then? Because I find that very hard to believe.

I am going to work now and will have a look back later.

I have posted before about telling my exH that unless he didn't drink he couldn't have unsupervised access and was asked how I would feel if somebody told me I couldn't drink and here everyone is saying op is in the wrong (which I agree with). No wonder my head is all over the place!

You're back peddling.

Now you rarely drink around them? Please!

And yes, we'd be saying the same thing to a woman. This is not about gender or us bring on her side. This is about innocent children who will be messed up by their alcoholic parent.

Yes, some of us no doubt do. But we are talking about your situation- you have a drink problem, your exW has watched you get drunk as a matter of course for years, and now she is putting her foot down so it doesn't affect your children any more than it has (and if you think they are utterly unaware you are very naive).

soisitmeorher everyone else's situation is irrelevant. You have a drinking problem. Until you sort it out YOU shouldn't drink at all around your children. Stop making excuses and become a father.