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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

232 replies

Soisitmeorher · 13/06/2013 22:38

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MatersMate · 13/06/2013 23:40

hoping not going....poxy kindle.

LastTangoInDevonshire · 13/06/2013 23:40

I'm going to 'call' this one - either he/she is a troll, or is drunk, or is just.......well...........umm........

nenevomito · 13/06/2013 23:41

But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them.

Why would you need to have a few drinks while out for the day with them? A few drinks when in charge of children is not good. If you can't manage a day out with your children without a few drinks, you have a problem.

What is a few anyway?

Definitely more that one. More than two (a couple) so we're talking 3 or more.

Is that 3 or more pints? Bottles? Shots? Cocktails? Whatever you can get your hands on?

Dawndonna · 13/06/2013 23:41

You are an arse that doesn't deserve to take kids out for the day. Here you are not thinking about where to take them, what to do, but whether you can have a fucking drink. Yeah go for it. Nobody understands,do they. ?your kids deserve a better man than you.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/06/2013 23:41

She made me move out of the bedroom when we had our second dc. Said she didn't want a newborn smelling alcohol in there.

Well I'm with her on that one.

YabVVVu, and I think you're in denial about knowing you have a problem but that it doesn't affect your kids. Your wife can see it affects them, but you call her 'controlling.'

I can't remember where I read it, but there was an alcoholic father who used to say just the same things as you - how he'd 'have a couple' at a bbq etc, but it didn't affect the kids. His wife actually videoed him at one of the children's birthday's and played it back to him when he was sober.

He said that his memories were of him being a fun dad all day, having a great time with the kids, having a laugh. But he had to admit that the video showed a scary, out of control, drunk dad. And frightened children. He said he couldn't believe the looks on the faces of his children.

I believe he got help and stopped drinking. You should too.

ElsieOops · 13/06/2013 23:41

But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it

Why do you need to drink alcohol whilst spending time with your kids?

You may think you are unaffected by it, but sober people around you would probably disagree.

Bogeyface · 13/06/2013 23:43

Hang on! Why on earth would you want a few drinks when out for the day with your children? where do you take them?!

When I take my kids out we go to the park, feed the ducks, have an ice cream and "sneaky" McDonalds on the way home (that we pretend we didnt have when Grandma asks as she pretends to hate it). You know, fun silly stuff, its nice.

At no point was "a few pints" on the intinerary. The fact that you factor into your access time shows you have an issue, surely you can see that?!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 13/06/2013 23:43

You don't drive after those few drinks on a day out with the kids do you?

BOF · 13/06/2013 23:44

You are an alcoholic if you aren't just making this up to provoke people. You are not safe around children while drinking.

ThreeDaughtersLoveSandwiches · 13/06/2013 23:44

You sound just like my exH, was worried there for a minute but as we most definitely do not have an amicable relationship I knew that you couldn't be him.

I have been advised by a solicitor to stop unsupervised contact unless he agrees to not drink for 12 hours prior to contact and for the whole duration that they are in his care, he has chosen supervised contact for probably 2 hours a week (if they are lucky) yet it is all my fault!

The most important people here are the DC and if staying sober for a few hours is what is best for them then you need to suck it up I'm afraid.

By the way my exH walked out nearly 3 years ago and if it wasn't for me pushing him to have a relationship with our DC the youngest wouldn't even know who he is. I am most definitely not a bitter exW trying to make his life difficult because I am jealous!

Wylye · 13/06/2013 23:44

In reply to that last one:

If you drink more than the current drink-drive limit, your judgement is deemed to be impaired.
Why the HELL would you happily incapacitate yourself when you are taking care of your children??

You say it has no effect on you - YOU have no idea. You are the drinker, and will be completely unaware. That is why there are legal limits in regard to driving, all drink drivers think they're fine to drive.
(I understand you don't actually drive, I'm purely trying to explain what seems so very obvious to the rest of us.)

You need to be sober when you're with your children. It's for their safety, and their enjoyment of their time with you. Don't be such a crap dad.

ElsieOops · 13/06/2013 23:45

As LastTango suggested - this is probably not the best time of day to have a conversation with a person who has a drink problem.

Bogeyface · 13/06/2013 23:45

If you are not affected by it then why do you drink it?

Original poster
Soisitmeorher · 13/06/2013 23:46

I've already said I don't drive.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/06/2013 23:48

Why dont you drive? Was that a choice you made or was that choice taken away from you?

What was the reason that your wife told you that she left you, and by that I mean what happened to make her finally say "Enough"?

MrsGSR · 13/06/2013 23:49

If your care about your kids you'll be sober when you see them. End of. There is no room for leeway in your situation.

Tiredmumno1 · 13/06/2013 23:50

Regardless of whether you drive or not, the response won't change.

But you don't want help or advice, you just want to try and belittle your ex, well it's not working.

And you still can't admit you've got a problem, even though going just by what you have said, we can all see you have a problem. Maybe read the replies when you haven't had a drink.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 13/06/2013 23:50

Can you acknowledge that if you don't stop she will take you to court and win?

Doesn't that frighten you?

Wylye · 13/06/2013 23:50

Yes....I know...I said that.... You have had a few this evening I assume? Your reading ability appears to be impaired.....but you'd be fine to go see your kids now too by your standards. Hmm

MalcolmTuckersMum · 13/06/2013 23:52

You are being so obtuse that I too am beginning to have my doubts.

B00Radley · 13/06/2013 23:52

There are several issues here - but mostly about You!

My o/h can drink 3,pints &!be sober Tbh , also u drinknshen staying OVERNIGHT, but was is interesting is you know she has a problem with u drinking alcohol so ...

1 - what unresolved issues have you with Mum , clearly you want to spend time with her
2- why push Mum's buttons ? Attention
3- have you asked your children what they want ?
4- what is you - high paid job
3-

ImagineJL · 13/06/2013 23:53

This can't be real. Reverse AIBU or troll. No-one is this stupid. Or I guess it could be real and OP is just plastered now. But not many spelling mistakes for that. Who knows.

TheSecondComing · 13/06/2013 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 13/06/2013 23:56

Thank the Almighty Boo has turned up. Just when I thought that the OP was the stupidest person on the planet!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/06/2013 23:56

"No I am not defending it. But it was miserable being married to her and that's why my drinking got out of hand, like I said none of you know her. Will think about all that's been said."

Soisitmeorher - this is classic alcoholic reasoning - 'I drink because - I had a stressful morning/she was making my life miserable' etc etc. You, and ONLY YOU are responsible for your reactions to stress/unhappiness etc. At best, you are dependent on alcohol, at worst you are an alcoholic - and I am speaking as the wife of someone with an alcohol problem whose drinking nearly broke up our marriage - and who has been sober for over 6 years now.

"But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it and because of that see why I should not be able too just because she says so. I am pretty sure you'll all disagree with that though."

Yes, I am going to disagree. Someone who has had a few drinks is not allowed to drive a car, because their judgement is impaired, as are their reaction times. The same applies to being responsible for children - if you have had a few drinks, you probably do think that you are acting perfectly safely, sensibly and with good judgement - but your judgement is impaired by the alcohol, so you are not in a fit state to make that judgement, and you are wrong. Studies have been done that have shown the effect of even fairly small amounts of alcohol on people's reaction times and judgement - and they all thought they were fine too, until they were shown how much they were impaired by the alcohol.

My dses are 16, 18 and nearly 20, but if dh is away from home, I would not even consider having a drink in the evening (I drink very rarely anyhow) nor do I take my over-the-counter sleeping tablets, or any medicine that might make me drowsy, because if anything happened in the night, and I was not able to make the right decisions quickly enough, or couldn't drive one of the boys to the hospital because I was impaired by alcohol or medication, I would never forgive myself.

Plus, do you want your children to grow up and have alcohol problems? If they grow up around a man who thinks it is normal and acceptable to drink during the day, whilst out and about with children, they could follow your lead.

Or they might grow up thinking, 'Dad can only bear to spend time with us if he is pissed' - is that what you want?

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