Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

ImagineJL - I think my exH would be this stupid! He drinks upwards of 5 pints a day and starts anytime after lunch and he would still spout the same arguments as the op.

His mum told me that before he changed his job he was really lovely, kind and very helpful but now he is always really grumpy and angry. Yep that might be the dropping from 20 pints a day to 5 as he doesn't have easy access to free alcohol anymore!

He obviously doesn't have a problem though and I am just a stupid jealous retard supposedly.

On that note I'm off to bed.

OP I actually hope that if your attitude and behaviour doesn't change then your ex stops contact. Then maybe it'll give you the kick up the backside that you need.

For the sake of your children just think about them for once and not your bloody self.

If I told you that my husband wasn't happy with me eating chocolate around my children, that it had brought about a split in our relationship and that he'd asked me to cut down. If I did t then I'd risk not seeing my dc's you'd wonder why I didn't just stop eating chocolate.

That's what we're all thinking. You obviously don't want to give up, you're choosing booze over your children.

We don't know her of course. All we know is what you've told us.

Your words, your spin on the situation.

What does it tell you that the entire thread is unified on this?

Your ex-wife may be horrible to you, I'll never know. But in this case, from what you've told us she is right.

She gets no pleasure from having to tell her children's father he can't see his children unless he's sober. This isn't fun for her, it isn't one upmanship. It's humiliating and mortifying and scarey.

It's nearly Father's Day. Be a good Father. Go talk this through with someone in RL who will help you. Get help. Please. Your kids are worth it.

Nice to see that Boo has turned up to prove that having a drink doesnt impair ones cognitive abilities.

"Since then she has changed the rules".

No, since then she has had her eyes opened to exactly how dangerous you are. Driving or not, you shouldn't be drunk in charge of the children.

Since then she has realised that you are not willing to make any effort at all to put your children ahead of alcohol, and she's trying to keep the children safe.

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

What bullshit. Yes, it does.

Yabu.

A parents job is to protect their children even if they have to protect them from the other parent. She's not being controlling she's doing her job you just don't like it because you are lacking in an ability to understand your behaviour and its impact on your children.

If you were my children's father and showed the same attitude you would not get within 100 meters of the children.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic prior to her stopping drinking (4 years ago) social services used to regularly have her three children living with either her mother or me. She was whats known as a functioning alcoholic so no big dramas or anything like that held down a good job and lifestyle but she couldn't understand why the drinking was a bad thing,the only reason she got her kids back was because of the support she and they had and her making changes that removed alcohol from her life.

but it's just the usual control and threats from her when I won't toe the line

No it's fucking not, it's her keeping her children safe because their dad's a twatty drunk!!!

On the upside OP, I think you might have broken the MN record for the biggest unanimous AIBU response in the shortest time :)

Oh dear, I feel alot of pity for you, genuinely, am not taking the piss. I feel really sorry for you, because from what you've written here, your story will be a tragic one.

You are writing your own sad ending and the only questions are how much you'll fill your children's lives with pain, and how long it will take you to come to your tragic ending.

Whatever you think about your ex, can't you see that there are an awful lot of excuses and blaming and reasons and explaining and justifications going on? I'm afraid to say, anything that is causing this much need to explain and excuse... And has driven you on to this site to get opinions, well, don't you think it's a bit odd for something that is 'no problem' to be causing all these problems? Well, there is a reason isn't there? And it's the drinking.

I know you'd rather do anything than face up to this, but I think you're not going to be happy, be content, be a good dad, until you face up to the problem. please don't do this to yourself and your children. They should be the centre of your world... Not drinking ...

YANBU.

Just kidding. You really are.

I worked for years in addictions and rehab. I think it is likely you are a troll because I can smell bullshit before the bull can but if not... If the alcohol doesn't affect you, don't drink it, it will make no difference to you. If it affects you then it affects your DC. It makes you happier, calmer, easier better... all this is a lie. What it makes you is emotionally absent. You are currently emotionally unavailable to your children. This will affect them.

You don't need to drink and drive, you don't need to hit or abuse their mother in front of them (although the 'nasty' argument will affect her mood and therefore them) you just have to drink even though their DM would rather you didn't. Drink even though you know you have a problem. Drink even when you know, deep down, that it affects them and harms them.

I don't think it's 'controlling' to ban a drunk - sorry 'a bit worse for wear' ex husband from your own home. Drunks are bores, she doesn't have to put up with it anymore.

You are an alcoholic.
It is affecting your kids.
It is your responsibility.
Get help.

You know you are being unreasonable.

You know your wife is justified in taking the stance she has. Dare I say it, you probably think she is right.

You are using the "she's being controlling" excuse to give yourself something, anything, to clutch onto. Something to keep some semblance of a life that will allow you to keep drinking, but also not separate you from your children.

You need to take responsibility and make your choice: drink or children. It may not feel that simple, but it really is. Seriously, it really, really is.

Tough road ahead, whatever happens. May as well pick the path that doesn't end up in sure-fire misery.

Just a thought... If you are SO convinced it's all about your ex being controlling, why not try to prove it... Lay off the booze for a few months and see whether she still has a problem, and whether you have the same relationship with your kids. I sincerely doubt it, but you may prove us all wrong. I suspect the relationship with your ex will improve and you'll enjoy the time with your kids more...

At the moment you just sound like a petulant kid putting their hands over their ears shouting "la la la can't hear you".

"You're all saying the same thing but I promise you I am fine when I see my dc, it's all about what MIGHT happen with her."

OP, that's part of responsible parenting - it's called risk assessment and it's what keeps our children safe.

What KatOD said
And yes YABU!!!

It sounds like you're pretty far in denial at the moment, which is powerful and frightening. I think the fog is slightly lifting for you and hope it continues.

Here's a thought, if your ex wife drive you to drink and you're not with her anymore why a you still doing it?

Jeard of - you may lose the battle but can win the war? Choose the issues that are REALLY important that you say your ex is controlling about. Drink isn't one of them! And if you think it is then you need to go to AA or the equivalent for help immediately.

Plain enough for you?

She's grown up. You haven't.

Perhaps it would be helpful to read the stories of posters (including myself) Who have said having parents who drink did negatively effect their childhoods/adult relationships with parents?

Although I think you are a troll, I am going to point out that in England and Wales it is an offence to be drunk in charge of a child under the age of 7, in a public place, because it's information that others might find useful.

Yabu

Get some help.