Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

How is not a problem when you admit to drinking in the kids room and showing up drunk?

I know it's easy to just say 'well of course you all disagree, I'm a man on a mainly female dominated website' But you have dodged all the questions and come up with frankly ridiculous excuses.

What matters more: Drink, or supervised/no access to your children? I don't know if you realise it, but her allowing you to come over and watch telly/a DVD, sleep in your DC's room isn't the norm. You have it lucky... Why risk losing your children for booze?

Because if you did as I suggested and read the painful stories of alcoholic parents, you will lose them. Via court in which you can justify your drinking and blame your ex, or by them growing up to hate you. Which is what always happens. I'm so happy my dad stopped drinking. Even at six I dreaded him coming home. Imagine if he'd kept drinking? Read the things people are saying about parents who are boozehounds.

They don't want them in their life.

You're also frightening your kids. How is it none of this matters to you and all you can see is 'GOD my ex is a controlling cunt.'

You will - not perhaps - will lose everything if you continue down this path.

I don't know why I bothered to type this as I assume you're thinking that your ex advised you to post here and you 'knew' the silly women would be hysterical.

But we're talking about when we were kids. With 'fathers' (I use the term loosely) like you

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

LondonMan Fri 14-Jun-13 10:36:26
I might have one beer in a pub/restaurant maybe once a year, and free wine with a meal in my holiday hotel, but that's about it.

I had a colleague who was a bit miffed that someone thought that drinking a bottle of wine every night was excessive. He thought that was perfectly normal, his mother did it.

I don't understand why drinking seems to be regarded as a necessary part of life in the UK. For example, I'm thinking of the reaction when politicians tried to set a minimum price, and they're told they're punishing responsible drinkers. Or female newspaper columnists telling public health advisors to feck off with their limits.

Your life needn't be any less happy if you don't drink.

If someone told me I could never have another drink, I would feel the same as if they had told me I could never again eat marmalade. It wouldn't cross my mind that this was any sort of hardship.

^ Note the user name. A man disagrees with you too. Not just women, which is what I strongly suspect you were thinking. Thank you for posting LondonMan and showing that alcoholism is gender neutral and people who truly love their children would give up beer, wine, cheese, marmalade...ANYTHING for their kids.

So OP, the brutal truth is booze matters more than your kids. Even worse, it matters more than their happiness.

[cory]

The problem is that what the drinker perceives and what the people around him perceive are two totally separate things.

You will see yourself as unaffected by the pints you've had, as totally in control, as not showing your drink.

Chances are, other people will see something totally different- and those other people will include your children.

They will notice when you've had a few pints, while they are little they will be scared and puzzled, as they get older they will be embarrassed and ashamed.

Nobody on here believes you are an ordinary moderate drinker who has the occasional glass of wine? Why? Because your posts are those of an alcoholic.

Ordinary two-glasses-of-wine-with-their-dinner people don't speak of having to drink at lunchtime because they've had a stressful day. They don't think they have to drink if a partner has upset them or annoyed them. They make conscious adult decisions about when to drink and not to drink and they don't blame other people for those decisions.

You basically keep telling us that you have no control over your drinking: when your wife was nasty to you you had to drink, if you've had a bad day at work you have to drink.

I don't insist on my dh being teetotal. But I would let anyone who had to drink alcohol whenever he got upset anywhere near my children.

[waterlego6064]

Sois I occasionally drink alcohol when I'm with my children, but only in specific types of situation: e.g. at a wedding or going out for dinner. These types of occasion are very infrequent, and in both cases, either my husband or me would be driving, and whoever was driving wouldn't drink at all, while the other party might have two or three drinks of beer or cider (impaired enough to not be in sole charge of the children, whilst not being outrageously drunk).

Other than that, I never drink at home, and any drinking I do (once or twice a month) is most usually when I am out with my husband without our children.

[Wylye]

I don't, no, but I'm not a drinker, due to having an alcoholic stepparent (who still doesn't think he has a drinking problem 10 years after my mum divorced him).

DH has a glass of wine in the evening once or twice a week, and may have a beer if we're out at the weekend for lunch.

Your tone is changing btw, now you say you rarely drink around your kids, whereas you started by saying you usually have had a few pints.
And that line in the OP where you say "even if I'm fine" suggests you've been around them when you're not 'fine'.

I'm glad you have seen sense about drinking in your DCs bedroom, that's a start.

[waterlego6064]

SpecialAgent I would have to think long and hard about it if someone asked me to give up cheese for my children.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Well water if I had to choose between DC and chips with gravy...

Bye bye DTs.

[quoteunquote]

try this as an experiment,

Print off this thread,

Don't have any alcohol whatsoever for the next four years,

then have a review, have a good look at your life after four years without a single drop,

then re read the print out,

I think you will then have all the answers,

and everyone in your life, including yourself will be far happier.

If not you can always start again, but at least you will have an informed view,

It sounds like alcohol doesn't suit you, try a new look.

[Wylye]

OP - how does your Ex know you've had a couple of pints before you arrive?
Assuming she doesn't have you under 24/7 surveillance it's safe to assume she can tell when you've been drinking by your behaviour.
And if you say "She asks so I tell her" well why the hell would she ask unless you were behaving in a way that concerned her??
Therefore you clearly ARE affected by the amounts you drink. Otherwise she would be none the wiser and we would not be having this little chat.

The way you describe your current drinking is pretty hard to take even in an otherwise happy marriage - you are no longer with your Ex, you don't live at the house, and you have a drinking problem. There is no reason on earth why she has to put up with this, and it is very unfair and downright rude of you to inflict it on both her and the kids. Please treat them with a bit more respect.

[TheBigJessie]

What other people have said. I'd love to call him a troll, but I could imagine my alcoholic mother writing something very similar on the internet after I forbid her entrance to the house. Every word is patent alcohol dependency.

soisitmeorher

Read this thread when you're sober.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Wylye

OH, OH! I know the answer to this one! Waves hand frantically in the air

Because he's accidentally openly admitted he's an aggressive drunk? He's inadvertently posted that he doesn't drive due to the amount he drinks? Because he drinks in his kid's room?

No wait. The correct answer is the ex is a suspicious, controlling bint, right?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Soisitmeorher - I don't drink if I am solely responsible for the children. I do have the occasional drink around them - a glass of wine with a meal, that sort of thing, and as they have got older, we have let them have a drink at home too.

I have never, ever been so drunk I have been hungover the next day. I've never drunk to the point of incapability or vomiting.

As others have said, you seem to be backpedalling as fast as you can. The very clear impression given by your earlier posts is of someone who drinks regularly and often. You used to drink in your childrens' bedroom. You turned up to see them whilst drunk. You could see nothing wrong with drinking whilst solely responsible for them. Now you rarely drink. I am afraid I am inclined to believe your earlier picture as being the honest one - your later posts smack of changing your story because you haven't got the response you needed here.

It all comes down to this - which is more important - alcohol/your 'right' to have a drink before seeing your kids or, worse, when solely responsible for them, or your children??

Do you accept that it is irresponsible and potentially dangerous to drink when you are solely responsible for your childrens' safety?

[Wylye]

Gold star for Special

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

Sticks star proudly on chest in support of the clearly unreasonable ex

[LisaMed]

Someone in the house is always sober. Ds is six, so needs to have at least one person around who is on the ball. tbh I don't think he has ever seen me drink and has only once or twice seen his dad with a lager shandy. This is not a problem for us. Even on Christmas Day one of us is always, always sober.

OP - genuinely trying to be helpful - look at some of the bunfights on here. We do not agree. It is unheard of for this amount of agreement.

• see if you can get in touch with Snorbs or pick up on their posts. IIRC they are male but had a wife with issues around alcohol. They may be able to give an insight from a male perspective that you can find helpful
  
• don't give your ex any ammunition, stay sober around the kids. If what you say is true then you won't have a problem. What other areas is your ex controlling? The wise ones on the Relationships board may be able to help with those and they have reached out to men in the past.
  

Trust me, staying sober is nothing compared to some hoops that other posters have had to jump through to see their kids. Hope it all works out.

[WeAllHaveWings]

when dh and I first got together his dad was a functioning alcoholic like you

he held down a very highly paid and responsible job (director in a large national British firm) and money focussed mil everyone knew he had problems with alcohol but never challenged it.

dh and his brothers where raised knowing alcohol was more important to their dad than they were. and money was more important to their mother. Their self esteem was low (we are less important to our parents than alcohol or money) and their relationship with their father (and others) suffered.

alcoholics do not stay functioning for ever. dh's dad eventually, after many years, got asked to leave his job quietly with a big payoff - he thought the other directors were mad to think his alcohol intake was causing problems.

He tried to go self employed, and invested heavily in a franchise, but with less structure drank a bit more and the business failed - he never accepted drink caused the problem.

Mil left him for being an alcoholic with no money. He died alone, from alcohol related heath reasons, at 58 in a crappy rented flat in a big city and no-one found his body for 3 weeks (family were used to not hearing from him for periods of time).

Please try to stop making excuses, your drinking has probably already lost you your marriage, it will be your job and kids next. Accept and resolve your issues with alcohol, so you can be a good dad. It is making you think it doesn't affect your kids. I can guarantee you it does.

If your ex-w is reading this - well done for doing the best thing for your dc

[bobbywash]

As you're going to read this later, you should be aware that I also think that the behaviour you described in your earlier posts is wrong. I don't care what your exW thinks, you're wrong.

It's that simple, no drinking in the kids room. No going for a couple of pints whilst your in charge of them. No coming to pick them up the worse for wear.

I do drink around my kids, but usually because we're out for dinner together or we're in the pub, but then they are old enough to drink for themselves. When they were younger, yes I had alcohol when they were around, but I never insisted about my right to have a drink. If my ex had said don't then I wouldn't, as indeed would have happened the other way round.

Still as my average weekly intake was about 3 units, (it's now at about 5), it was never an issue.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius i totally agree this has nothing to do with gender. I would be replying exactly the same whether you were a man or a woman.

Although if this was a parent living with the children or with sole parental responsibility, I'd also be saying that you cannot be responsible for your children, and are social services involved?

Whatever excuses and blame you are using, its clear from your own posts on here that you have a problem with alcohol, not just a problem with your ex wife.

I'm truly sorry you can't see that.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

People with drinking problems should stop drinking if they want to not have the problem.

You clearly have a problem and if you were a woman mumsnet would be harsher to you because for some reason women are usually much harsher towards other women than they are to men.

[PearlyWhites]

This has got bd a reverse aibu

[Mia4]

Try taking this test OP: alcoholism.about.com/od/tests/l/blquiz_alcohol.htm

Also try considering that we are all saying YABU from your words, not your ex-wife's, we are also neutral and have no part in your relationship.

Saying your wife was a nightmare, fine she may have been but from your own words she's taken responsibility and stopped drinking while you are refusing to accept responsibility and blatantly in denial. She may be controlling in other ways, now, but it seems like she has your children's best interests at heart, rather then malice

Perhaps you should see a counsellor and get another neutral POV though tbh with you in denial it doesn't matter who says what you'll always get defensive and/or ignore

[ThistleDown]

OP my Dad was just like you. A functioning alcoholic he did manage to hide the extent of his problems from me for many years. When I was 21 he told me he had joined AA and for a while he stuck to it, he attended lots of meetings and tried really hard. However, he eventually fell back off the wagon and became worse than ever. He stopped being a functioning alcoholic and became a non functioning alcoholic. He ended up being a carer for my Gran which he resented and which made him drink even more.

Eventually he went to his GP and a liver function test revealed that his liver was giving up. He was given a year to live. Soon after he was told this he disappeared. For 3 weeks I had no idea where he was until one day the phone rang. He'd overdosed on Paracetamol and was in hospital. His liver couldn't handle the paracetamol and he went into a coma. For the next week I watched him die. He was 45.

Please think of your children. Do not let the drink kill you too.

[foreverondiet]

Sorry I think YABVVU.

She is only asking you not to drink in front of your kids. Sounds like you have an alcohol problem - its cost you your marriage and now its threatening your relationship with your kids. I wouldn't allow anyone to be in contact with my kids if they'd been drinking, other than say a glass of wine or so over dinner.

She is not controlling, you however are an alcoholic and need help.

re: your job - do you insist on drinking at work too?

[trackies]

My DH had a dad with drink problem. He said when he was a child, even when FIL had only one or two he could tell as his voice would change. He said he hated his drinking. Here are some of the feelings he felt as a DC due to the drinking:-
angry, hurt, scared, sad, and more.

He then went onto being a heavy drinker himself, but since having kids he NEVER drinks infront of them, as he knows how it made him feel, and doesn't want his kids to feel like this. FIL still maintains that he was a 'good drunk'. Whilst DH insists that he wasn't and that it was awful.

We also have a friend who drinks all day. He doesn't look drunk just merry, but he can't do without it (all day drinking). He has a baby and can't soothe her probably cos he stinks of booze. He has very responsible, high earning job but can't see what's wrong with having a 'couple'.

My DM was also like this, saying that she just needed it for 'energy' and she 'wasn't really that bad compared to ......'. Really ? at 2pm in the afternoon you need a drink ? i don't think so ! But she's stopped (after years) as she finally realised that she wants to be around for her DG's foras long as possible. You know how i felt whilst this was going on :-
angry, hurt, scared, sad and more.

Please do something about this, as if you can't NOT have a couple of drinks when seeing your child, then you have a problem.
Don't ruin your life and your child's relationship with you, for the sake of alcohol. It's not worth it.

If you still really think you dont have a problem, then look at a few alcohol addiction websites to see if you're coming out with those excuses.