Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

[Wylye]

I understand that it's difficult to see if from your Ex's perspective, but reread this thread as if it were talking about a friend, not you.

She really isn't 'controlling' you, she is giving you choices.

Choice 1: Stop drinking before and when with your children, awake or asleep.
Result: Continue to see your children regularly in their home. Have a calmer less stressed Ex who may start to rebuild her trust in you, and will make an effort to continue the amicable relationship.

Choice 2: Continue as you are.
Result: Antagonise Ex, lose amicable relationship re access and visits to the home. Upset children. Entirely lose trust of Ex and DC. Possibility of losing contact with DC.

[Soisitmeorher]

No I am not defending it. But it was miserable being married to her and that's why my drinking got out of hand, like I said none of you know her. Will think about all that's been said.

[squeakytoy]

it was probably quite miserable for her being married to you too...

[Soisitmeorher]

I've done that list a 100 times. I know I have a problem but it DOESN'T affect my kids.

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

Oh now it's your wife's fault? Heavens! Is it EVER going to be your fault? You need to own it sunshine or you'll never get anywhere.

[ImagineJL]

Sadly I think it will surprise you to learn than you are unable to fulfil her requirements for seeing your kids. Have you ever gone a full 24 hours without alcohol? I suspect not. I think she's being very reasonable actually. If you were my ex you wouldn't see the kids until you'd got some help with your addiction.

[Repeatedlydoingthetwist]

How can it not have affected your DC's if it cost you your marriage?! How will they feel in years to come learning that you and their mother split up because you cared more about drinking than being a proper family???

[Wolfiefan]

I've finished my glass of iced water. I'm off to sleep now. Tomorrow I may (or may not) have A glass of wine in the evening as it is Friday. I haven't had a drink all week and couldn't care less one way or the other.

That's a healthy relationship with alcohol. Yours is beyond screwed. Just as your relationship with your kids (never mind the ex) will be if you don't admit the problem, get some help and stop drinking.

I hope you care enough about your kids to do that. If not you know not to bother then when the liver failure kicks in.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

:(

Is there anything we can say to make you see her point? No one has agreed with you. You want to drink in the same room as your DC as they sleep. Why? Why do you want to do that?

Surely the fact no one agrees with you is a sign you could be, you know, wrong?

Oh and my dad is a recovered alcoholic. The years in my childhood when he drank like you were horrible. Luckily he realised he loved mum and us and quit. Sober for 20 years now.

Children do suffer from having a parent who drinks as much as you. Of course she didn't let you co-sleep when you'd been drinking!

You're in massive denial. You've lost your wife to booze and blame her, please don't lose your kids too. You realise she could get supervised access based on what you've posted? Surely that's not what you want.

[Undertone]

No one makes you drink. You lift the glass. You could have found a coping strategy using yoga or something. But you didn't. Man the fuck up.

Never your fault, is it?

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

Erm ... you started out saying you both used to drink a lot, and she knew you were like that when she got together with you ... but she now doesn't drink and you claim you're drinking less.

Doesn't really fit with your claim now that it's her fault you started drinking more, does it?

I do, sadly, know there are people whose heads are as far in the sand with alcoholism as the OP seems to be, and if he is, maybe some of this will sink in in the end, but I can't help hoping he's lying and knows he's lying, so I don't have to think what a horrible life his poor ex wife has had.

[ElsieOops]

I suggest AA. You admit you have a problem. It most definitely will be affecting your kids.

[Dawndonna]

I would not allow contact if you had been drinking either. it doesn't affect the kids bur due to your drinking, you do not live with them. sorry but as a functioning alcoholic it does affect your kids.
Your ex has every right to be controlling over this you are being a complete wanker. Not one person has said you are in the right, and yet you have not backed down. Says it all IMO.

[nenevomito]

Oh, well if your drinking was out of hand because of how it was living with her, it stopped or cut right down when you split up, right?

Right?

Cut down so much that you don't turn up to see your children drunk. Right?

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

I know I have a problem but it DOESN'T affect my kids.

So say you and every other parent with a drink/drug problem. And it is complete and utter bollocks.

[BlatantRedhead]

I ended it with my DP over exactly this issue. He has cleaned up his act and we've got back together but only after he decided I was more important than being able to have 'a few cans' every day.

If drinking is so important to you that you've allowed you're marriage to end because of it then you have a problem. Get help.

You've lost your wife already, it WILL lead to you losing your children if you keep going this way. GET HELP.

[Soisitmeorher]

Ok I see its not reasonable to drink in the same room as dc sleeping. I get that. But I don't see the problem with a few drinks when out for the day with them. I am not affected by it and because of that see why I should not be able too just because she says so. I am pretty sure you'll all disagree with that though.

[Tiredmumno1]

I agree with what dawn just said, you are not exactly listening to anyone, and you still think you are in the right.

You actually need to take a long hard look at yourself. NO we don't know her, however even if she was a controlling nag in other ways, I wouldn't class this as controlling. It's actually about the safety and wellbeing of your children.

I think you should have respect for the mother of your children, who just wants to keep them safe. What part of that do you really not understand?

[5madthings]

I think you are incredibly naive or blind if you really think it doesn't affect your kids,'kids aren't stupid they notice a LOT...bit you just keep telling yourself that it doesn't affect them...delude yourself as you obviously don't care.

[SpecialAgentTattooedQueen]

But the problem is it isn't just her who will say so. So would a court.

Are they wrong too?

Glad you see drinking in DC room isn't on though. :)

[Bogeyface]

Your drinking got out of hand before you had your first child. She packed it in, you didnt.

You couldnt have been that miserable if you went on to have another child with her and are happy to sleep over in her house and have an amicable relationship with her.

Its excuses. All excuses.

It comes down to this.


SHE IS RIGHT. YOU ARE WRONG.

[5madthings]

spoisitme there is another thread on mnet about a mother who is an alcoholic and her dd, I suggest you read it, maybe out will be a wake up call, but I doubt it.

[MatersMate]

Are you going someone will say......yes you're right, why shouldn't you drink every day? kids or not, it's only a couple.

no one is going you say that.

[CalamityGin]

once a month and you can't lay off the booze - c'mon you know YABU