Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

[Soisitmeorher]

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc.

[nenevomito]

Well you have two options here.

1. Don't drink on the days when you are going to see the children and don't drink when you have the children. Continue to see your children.
   
2. Put drink before your children.
   

What is it?

[reelingintheyears]

No,you shouldn't be kipping in with your DC when you've been drinking,at the very least you will be making the room stink of beer.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

So if the drink doesn't matter and it's not a problem and she's over exaggerating... Why don't you prove her wrong and just, well, stop it?

But I bet you can come up with a thousand excuses as to why you can continue to drink and in your head keep the moral high ground... You being able to do this, this means you have a problem.

Doesn't matter how stressed you are, how nasty she is / unreasonable you think she is... What matters is you are putting yourself and your love of alcohol above your children. It's your choice to make.

I hope you can turn your drinking around, before your kids get anymore affected.

[Oldraver]

Ok to be blunt

You have lost your wife due to your drinking..

Do you also want to loose your children ?

Because that is what will happen if you continue to drink around them

[ImagineJL]

OP, you have a drink problem, and like many alcoholics you don't see it. You're not unique in this respect. You're just like millions of other alcoholics.

And you do care more about alcohol than you do about your kids, because alcohol rules your life. It grabs you when you've had a stressful day (sorry I mean morning, as you can't manage a whole stressful day, you have to have a few units at lunch time to get through), it destroyed your marriage, and now it's taking your kids away. And until you accept that you are not in control, things will never get better.

I suggest that if you want to read Mumsnet, you have a look at the Brave Babes thread in Relationships.

[Wolfiefan]

Drinking with a newborn about? (In the bed with you?)
Are you ever actually sober? And I repeat... Do you drive?

[kungfupannda]

Well, it does affect your DC, doesn't it?

Because you're not going to be allowed to see them if you can't stop drinking on those days.

And your ex will have the full support of the authorities if she chooses to use the courts to enforce this.

[MatersMate]

Your family split up BECAUSE OF YOUR DRINKING. Come on now, you have a fucking drink problem.

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

Basically, you are seeing yourself turning up at the house, and you imagine only you know that those 'two pints' were five. You think you're masking it really well, and you end up in a row (you don't even mention what the row was about - can you remember it clearly, or are you just aware there was a row?).

Everyone else sees a drunk man who is probably swaying, slurring, getting irrationally angry and forgetting what he's arguing about.

I accept this may be a leap and may not be what happened, but I can't help suspecting it is what happened. If it's not, it doesn't matter - but if you read this and feel a bit scared, and you feel as if the most important thing in the world is to deny it all ...then you probably do need to let what we are all saying sink in.

[Soisitmeorher]

No I do not drive. I was never allowed to be in the room from when dd was born, so no, no co sleeping with me in the bed. My ex W did though, but she does not drink.

[Wolfiefan]

You may not fly off the handle with your kids but you turn up pissed and row with your wife.
Child of a functioning alcoholic here. IT AFFECTS THE KIDS!
Stop whining about your wife. Don't drink round your kids or leave them alone.
Do you drive?

[kungfupannda]

I'm trying to imagine what it must be like to have to ban your partner from the bedroom when you have a newborn baby, because he won't stop drinking so much that the room stinks of booze.

And he is convinced that you are being unreasonable.

Get help, OP. I deal with non-functioning alcoholics on a regular basis through work. It's not a pretty sight.

[Wolfiefan]

Sorry x post.

[waltermittymissus]

You're an alcoholic.

You don't deserve them.

You will somehow, some way, fuck up their lives.

Stop fucking drinking. GET HELP.

[ImagineJL]

And I have to take issue with your statement that your drinking doesn't affect your kids. What a ridiculous thing to say. Of course it affects your kids. Everything a parents does affects them, influences them, guides them, shows them what's "normal", teaches them, shows them a role-model and so on. Like so many alcoholics you are in total denial. I feel very sorry for your kids, but at least their mother has some protective instincts even if you don't.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Look I know I drink too much, I know that but it does NOT affect my dc

I wonder what your children's opinions will be on that when they are adults.

Why did you bother to ask if you are going to ignore everything that is said to you?

You Are putting alcohol above your children.
It WILL be affecting them.

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

You say we don't know her? But we do you see - because she is all of us. She doesn't want a stinking shambling drunk around her children. She wants to protect them from that. She wants YOU to be sober enough to safely enjoy your children and for them to enjoy you. We all want and mostly get that. You can't and won't provide that for her. Therefore you are an alcoholic and a loser. Seems simple enough to me.

[nenevomito]

You lost your relationship because of your drinking.
It now looks like you will lose time with your children because of your drinking.
For goodness sake, do something before you lose your children for good, then your job, then your home, then your friends, then any last trace of dignity you have, all because having a drink is more important than anything else.

[ImagineJL]

I still think this must be a reverse AIBU because surely no-one can be this stupid, and keep coming back to defend their stupidity.

[Soisitmeorher]

Well she says she is going to change the contact arrangements to stipulate that I cannot have them if I have been drinking and I have to agree that I won't drink while with them. I will of course agree to this but it's just the usual control and threats from her when I won't toe the line.

[petra27]

What motive did you have in writing this post?

Your know your ex wife uses the site.

It seems to me you are secretly trying to tell her off.

Comments about her relationship with other members of her family etc are not helpful.

As she has divorced you this is really absolutely none of your business.

In her own home now she can make whatever conditions she likes on those entering. It is up to you to decide whether you want to honour those conditions or not.

From an outsiders POV it would be a real shame to lose touch with your own children because you are unable to put them before drink.

Have you ever been shown the list of questions AA put together to help someone decide if you are an alcoholic click here.

You might find it interesting....

[MatersMate]

It does seem odd imagine

[Undertone]

Look he's not listening to a fucking word we're saying. Can't be arsed room be honest.