Who is being unreasonable here?

[Soisitmeorher]

Me and ex W split up about three years ago, 2 dc. There were many reasons we split, we rushed into it. I was too young.

During the marriage my drinking was quite excessive, usually between 5 & 10 cans, usually around four times a week though sometimes more. Ex W always had a problem with it, though she knew what I was like when we first got together, she drank a lot herself then but stopped when we had dc.

Without going in to too many ins and outs, the marriage was a disaster and she claims that a lot of it was down to my drinking.

In spite of all this we are amicable now. Sometimes we will even spend an evenkg together watching a DVD and I might have a drink. Suddenly though she has changed the rules. A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear and we had quite a nasty argument. Since then she has said I can't drink round her or the dc, not even a couple of pints before I come round. In short she wants me nowhere near her or dc when I have had a drink, even if I am fine. I get quite annoyed about this, I like a drink but I am fine after two or three but she just won't continue our previously amicable relationship if I have had a drink.

Also about once a month I stay over and sleep in my dc's room. I like to finish my drink up and watch some tv with earphones while I do. She says this is not acceptable anymore, to be drinking in the room my ds is sleeping or for a person who has had a drink to sleep in there with dc.

I think she is being very controlling to be honest, there's nothing wrong with me having a few drinks and it annoys me that she makes such a fuss about it. It's preventing us from carrying on being friendly tbh.

So who is being unreasonable?

[Undertone]

It's about boundaries - and the fact you have not adjusted yours to be a responsible parent. You can be perfectly fine after 6-9 units around adults, but you need to raise your game to be 'fine' around kids.

It sounds like alcohol has been a destructive force in your life before, and your ex W wants to keep that force away from her kids.

Her reaction is controlling yes - trying to control the risk of damage caused by alcohol. She is protecting your kids from you. Must feel pretty shit put like that, huh?

[nenevomito]

You are being unreasonable.

If you can't manage to go a couple of days without a drink, or you can't put your children before having a drink then you have a problem.

If you think that bedding down at night in your DCs bedroom with a drink is normal then you have a problem.

I had hoped this was bullshit, but the more you write, the more you sound like a genuine alcoholic.

She's not being controlling or making trouble. She's trying to protect your children from you being a drunk.

[Bogeyface]

Incidentally, there are women on MN who have major, major health issues and who spend their days in pain, on medication to control that pain AND taking care of their children with the same or worse illnesses or disabilities. Their husbands got to work all day and then come home and take care of the whole family, they do all the housework, comfort their wives, cook dinner, feed and bath the children before bed.......

These people have stressful lives. They dont have a couple of pints at lunchtime.

[ByTheWishingWell]

She obviously isn't wrong if you can't go for a couple of days a week without drinking in order to see your children sober.

If you didn't have a problem with alcohol, you would have no problem at all in complying with her (very reasonable) request. Please visit your doctor for some help- it's easier for you to fix this situation now than a few months and a few more drunken rows down the line when you've lost access to your children.

[Bogeyface]

But she isnt wrong is she? If she was then you wouldnt drink when you are seeing them. You wouldnt be on here trying to get us to say she is being unreasonable, you would be saying "OK, fair point, I will not drink at all on the days I am seeing the kids".

The fact that you cant say that means that you are dependent on alcohol and would rather lose your children than lose the next drink.

[Soisitmeorher]

I am not sure any of you realise how difficult ex W can be. She always has something to moan about, doesn't speak to half her family. I just feel like this is just something else for her to nag me about.

[Soisitmeorher]

I could not drink when I see them but I didn't see why she should get to decide that, when there's not even a problem anyway.

[ChaoticTranquility]

If your kids are more important, as you say, then don't drink on the days that you see them. It really is as simple as that.

[Binkybix]

Even assuming that's true, why not just not drink on the days you see your DCs?

[nenevomito]

A couple of weeks ago, I turned up a bit worse for wear...

You weren't a bit worse for wear. You were drunk, weren't you?

You really can't see that she's protecting your children from you, can you? Stop blaming her. You have a drink problem.

[Bogeyface]

I think you'll find that we understand her very well. And we understand you too.

You are an alcoholic. She can see that and so can we, and so eventually, will your children. The only one who cant see it is you.

[ByTheWishingWell]

It doesn't make a difference how 'difficult' she is. You should be perfectly capable of not drinking before you visit your children. They are different issues.

[MatersMate]

Alcoholism can creep up on you, it happens all the time. Op it does sound like you have a problem.

I do think saying? you obviously don't live your kids..... is unhelpful though.

I'm sure you do live your kids, and some of the time I'm sure you are fine to be around them after a couple, but not all the time obviously, hence the drunken row.

Your ex realized this better than you do, please think about this from her perspective.

[Wolfiefan]

If drinking wasn't more important than your kids you wouldn't drink when you see them. I bet they love smelling that boozy daddy smell and wondering if you'll fly off the handle.
Drinking at lunch? Hmmm.
I had a stressful day today. I watched some some TV, phoned a friend and had a coffee. I didn't hit the booze.
How many days a week do you spend sober? Completely stone cold not even half a lager sober?
Oh and do you drive? I hope in the name of all that's holy you aren't on the roads after a couple because you think you aren't drunk.

[Bogeyface]

So you are saying that you will continue to get drunk when you see your children on a principle?

If that wasnt such a sad excuse for an alcoholic caning it, it would be bloody hilarious!

[Dawndonna]

You are using every excuse you can to defend your behaviour - "she is controlling". " the kids don't see it" "I had a bad day"
You are justifying your drinking, the sure fire sign of an alcoholic. You will lose your children if this continues. I strongly suggest you seek out some professional help because you and your addiction are unreasonable.
As for " it's all about what might happen, she is absolutely 100% right and you should consider yourself damned lucky you have someone in your life prepared to stand up to you and prevent you from hurting yourself or more importantly your children.

[squeakytoy]

are you pissed now while you are posting this? or just dumb as fuck?

[Wolfiefan]

And you say there's not a problem? Earlier you said you were concerned about your drinking.

[MatersMate]

Live = love obviously.

[Soisitmeorher]

She made me move out of the bedroom when we had our second dc. Said she didn't want a newborn smelling alcohol in there. It honestly wasn't as bad as she made out and that was the beginning of the end, it all went wrong from there. It seems you all think she's right, well all I can say is you don't KNOW her!

[kungfupannda]

Oh come on. You can't really have such a spectacular lack of insight into your situation?

You drink in your children's room while they're asleep. You can't deal with not drinking when you're going to be seeing them.

Either you are so deep in the grips of an alcohol problem that you've lost all sense of what is normal and appropriate, or you're a selfish twat who just doesn't care.

[Soisitmeorher]

I never fly off the handle with my dc wolfie.

[cantreachmytoes]

YABVU.

If your wife asked you to not eat cornflakes around your kids, or on the day you saw them, you might think she was nuts and unreasonable, but I bet you could do it, especially if it was that or possibly lose contact. Right? I mean, who would eat a bowl if Kellog's if it meant they might not see their own kids?

If its such a big deal to give something up twice a week, then it sounds like there's a problem.

[squeakytoy]

we dont know you either... but so far, there is nothing you have said that puts her in any sort of bad light. She sounds like a responsible mother, you sound like a selfish irresponsible idiot.

[MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik]

It obviously is a problem.

Look, I can see it in the way you're describing your drinking.

You say your drinking used to be 'quite' excessive. By my reckoning, if you were drinking somewhere in the middle of the range you estimate, you were drinking getting on for 20 units a night, four times a week.

That isn't 'quite' excessive, that's seriously high levels.

I'm not judging; you were young; lots of us have been there. But you've got to look at how you express that: it's telling.

Now you say things like 'a bit the worse for wear' (=drunk) or you mention 'two or three' pints (you can't remember? You don't think it matters? It does). And you keep saying 'a couple'. You think she's wrong to object to 'even a couple' - ie, an quantity that would make you incapable of driving, and would impair your ability to look after your kids if you were alone.

I am not picking on the language to be nasty - you probably feel as if it's not telling at all. But it is actually very, very classic alcoholic-speak. You're minimizing what you're doing. You're changing your mind over whether it's two pints that is acceptable, or three.

Frankly, when I'm reading this, I suspect in reality you are drinking more than you even realize you are drinking, and you are assuming the rest of us think two pints is totally normal. But two pints at lunchtime when you're working really isn't normal. Turning up drunk to see your kids really isn't normal.