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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go crazy at this guy

158 replies

Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:12

long story short couldnt find daughter (5) so had friend and sister out helping me look found her after after about ten minutes with old next door neighbours dad (bloke in his 50s I'd say) walking the dog along an old cycle track (where she knows she is not allowed) she used to go on dog walks with him and his daughter regularly but daughter since moved. When I found her she got a severe telling off and I went bat shit crazy at this guy (his reasoning being daughter told him she was allowed WTF) part of the reason I flipped is because of something which happened to older daughter which is on another thread I wrote called my world has fallen apartAngry

OP posts:
Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 23:46

my thoughts exactly brian

OP posts:
cumfy · 12/06/2013 02:06

But DD has deliberately tagged on to this man so she doesn't break your "rules".

No ?

Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 07:28

she did still break the rules tho as she went without my permission

OP posts:
Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 07:49

we (daughter and I) have had a talk this morning and I have told her that it was wrong of her to not ask my permission and that until I can trust her again she doesn't get to play in the street and that if she does see him walking the dog in future and wishes to go she has to ask me.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 12/06/2013 08:53

Emz - your not getting the point that your rules are very confusing and actually your dd didn't break your rules as she was not alone on the cycle path but with someone. I didn't see anywhere that your rule was she must ask before going on the cycle track with someone else

It would be far better that you have one simple rule and that would be that she must tell you where she is at all times and come back and tell you where she is if she wants to go elsewhere

I think it was wrong of you to have so many complicated rules to follow that then she can't remember what the rules are no wonder she got it wrong

Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 09:12

as I have said previously I know she did not break the rule of not being allowed on the cycle track alone but she did break the rule that (was already in place and has been for a long time) if she wants to go anywhere other than where she already is she needs to ask my permission

OP posts:
schoolgovernor · 12/06/2013 09:37

I hope you're going to have a word with this man and apologise. He might have been naive, but just imagine how he's feeling. On the one hand we say it takes a village to bring up a child, and on the other hand...

schoolgovernor · 12/06/2013 09:39

p.s. You could even give him your phone number so that he can ring and ask if she can go for a walk with him.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 09:45

yes school I will be apologising when I see him I know I overreacted and will talk to him

OP posts:
LaRegina · 12/06/2013 09:48

It would be far better that you have one simple rule and that would be that she must tell you where she is at all times and come back and tell you where she is if she wants to go elsewhere

I think this rule is fine once a child is a few years older, but at 6 a child cannot be trusted to have the common sense to stick to it. What if another adult comes along and says 'it's ok I checked with your mum'? Even if the child doesn't believe them they might be too scared to argue with another adult. What if another child wants to go off somewhere with them just for a mess about and calls them a baby if they don't come? There are all sorts of scenarios where relying on the child to be sensible at 6 just doesn't work.

A 6 year old is too young to be unsupervised at all IMO.

MiaowTheCat · 12/06/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 10:09

No miaow the guy told me that daughter told him she was allowed to take the dog for a walk with him

OP posts:
Greythorne · 12/06/2013 10:11

I don't understand this thread.

When April Jones' parents let her okay out for 5 minutes, people - rightly! - said they should be allowed to give her some freedom and that the only person to blame was the monster who abducted her.

And yet here, lots of people are saying a nearly 7 yo should not be allowed out of the OPs sight and that she was very lucky the Dd did not bump into someone more sinister.

Which is it?

ephemeralfairy · 12/06/2013 10:15

Frankly you should be thanking your lucky stars that she ran into him rather than someone with nasty intentions. You have overreacted which is more than understandable considering what happened to your other daughter. But I think you owe him and apology.

Floggingmolly · 12/06/2013 10:16

The only person to blame was the monster who abducted her, Greythorne.

But because she was five years old, she had no defence against that monster. Children of that age need to be supervised because they're too little to keep themselves safe.

Potteresque97 · 12/06/2013 10:17

Yes I think you should go round and not wait to bump into him to apologize, I can see why you are scared for her but maybe in this case it has proven she isn't old enough to be allowed out alone yet.

LaRegina · 12/06/2013 10:20

Exactly what Floggingmolly said Sad

Greythorne · 12/06/2013 10:24

But why then were April's parents reasonable in allowing her to play out?

LaRegina · 12/06/2013 10:28

The sad fact is, it would be much harder for a predatory adult to snatch a child if all children were supervised.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 10:36

potter I cant go round as I don't know where he lives, his daughter used to be my next door neighbour

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Original poster
Emz8369 · 12/06/2013 10:38

unfortunately regina it's not that simple it wasn't a predatory stranger who abused my oldest daughter

OP posts:
HeffalumpTheFlump · 12/06/2013 11:11

Sorry greythorne but I wasn't one of those who said that April should have been allowed that freedom. Obviously her parents have gone through hell and no one should be kicking them when they are down, but it made me even more sure that a child that young should not be unsupervised.

LaRegina · 12/06/2013 11:17

Emz I'm sorry that you and your DD had to go through that horrible experience.

I think in an ideal world children should be able to play freely wherever they like, but unfortunately that's not reality. It's not just abusers, it's also the dangers of traffic, which 6 year olds don't give a second thought if their minds are elsewhere.

pigletmania · 12/06/2013 14:47

I agree also, te man was in the wrong by not taking her back to you, you were justified to be annoyed

MuddlingMackem · 12/06/2013 15:04

I think you possibly over-reacted in shouting at him, but 6 is old enough to play out unsupervised if you live in the kind of place where that's safe. My 6 year old DD does. My DD also has the rule that she has to come and ask before she goes to play in somebody's house, which she has forgotten a couple of times. However, the adults in the house have also forgotten to check with her that I know she's going in to play. I would never let a child in to play without asking them if they've told their mam or dad where they are going.

What I'm trying to say is that although the OP's DD did wrong, the man was totally irresponsible not to check with the OP, or at least send the DD to tell her mum where she was going. If the man had no kids of his own I would let him off this time but explain the necessity for the future. However, since it was his daughter who used to live next to the OP then there's no excuse and he really should know how this works.

Hope that makes sense, got to dash for school pick-up.

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