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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go crazy at this guy

158 replies

Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:12

long story short couldnt find daughter (5) so had friend and sister out helping me look found her after after about ten minutes with old next door neighbours dad (bloke in his 50s I'd say) walking the dog along an old cycle track (where she knows she is not allowed) she used to go on dog walks with him and his daughter regularly but daughter since moved. When I found her she got a severe telling off and I went bat shit crazy at this guy (his reasoning being daughter told him she was allowed WTF) part of the reason I flipped is because of something which happened to older daughter which is on another thread I wrote called my world has fallen apartAngry

OP posts:
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 11/06/2013 20:35

I also wouldn't let my 6 year old dd play out either.

From what I have read and understood on here, yabu and need to apologise to the man.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 11/06/2013 20:36

I agree with defineme, DD needs to have her freedom curtailed until you can trust her again

HollyBerryBush · 11/06/2013 20:36

Are you not being arsy?

I'd say I went bat shit crazy at this guy is arsy.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 11/06/2013 20:36

Or until she's old enough to be out alone

Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:37

oh believe me define things are going to change she will be staying in for a while and then she will be allowed in the garden after that

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 11/06/2013 20:38

I can understand your reaction as a reaction to the fear and shock etc of losing your DD

But now you have her safely back I do think you need to apologise to the man.

I just think how I would feel if that was my dad.

He's not a stranger

You have had a terrible fright and no one would be reasonable in those circumstances, but now you can breathe, go apologise to him

gordyslovesheep · 11/06/2013 20:38

YABU - your daughter told him she was allowed and she was out alone - he was keeping an eye on her - be thankful

AuntySib · 11/06/2013 20:40

But hopefully not in the garden without you there? If she can get onto the cycle path from the garden, then strangers can get from the cycle path into the garden, no?

defineme · 11/06/2013 20:40

It is hard Emz- I have made my dc repeat over and over who they are allowed to get in a car with/go off with/open the door to without our express permission.
This is only their grandparents and their 2 aunties. It is not (and they're very clear about this) any of our good friends and neighbours or even the police (who will bring your family to you). Ds1 was walking home from shops last week and our good friend offered him a lift-he said 'no thank you'-so proud of him but he is 11.

FannyFifer · 11/06/2013 20:41

I think u should go and apologise to the man, I bet he is upset.

She had been out walking the dog with him previously with your blessing, she said she was allowed, it wasn't unreasonable for him to believe her.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:42

no Aunty the cycle path cant be accessed from the garden but I will still be keeping a very close eye on her

OP posts:
defineme · 11/06/2013 20:42

I have lost ds2 about 5 times by the way-he is an absolute bugger for getting distracted and wandering off/not keeping up. I have cried every time-terrifying.

FannyFifer · 11/06/2013 20:43

defineme why would it not be ok for your 11 year old to get a lift from a close friend? That's a big odd tbh.

HollyBerryBush · 11/06/2013 20:43

cycle path cant be accessed from the garden

Put a fence up or a lock on your gate.

that poor man - exactly what did you sat to him/accuse him of?

MrsLouisTheroux · 11/06/2013 20:45
  1. a 5/6 year old is too young to be out of sight IMO
  2. SHE doesn't understand the boundaries and wandered off
  3. SHE misled him into thinking you had said it was ok
  4. He hasn't done anything wrong
  5. You were understandably scared
  6. You need to apologise to him for your reaction and explain that you wrongly took your fear out on him.
ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 11/06/2013 20:47

Yes you were unreasonable, you need to apologise to him.

Otherworld · 11/06/2013 20:49

I agree with Mrs LT. But I don't think it really matters what any of us say.

You were scared and over reacted. Now you are calm The man deserves an apology. And you need to keep a closer eye on your daughter.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:54

I didnt accuse him of anything holly I told him she had went missing and I was so worried that I had people out looking for her

OP posts:
EglantinePrice · 11/06/2013 20:54

Agree she shouldn't be out of sight, she misled him etc

But an adult shouldn't lead a 5 year old off without express permission from a parent. Not permission a few weeks ago or a 5 year old saying its ok.

We have the same rules defineme although for younger children. There was such a long list of exceptions and tricky definitions of people who are friends/acquaintances etc that the list is limited to a very very short number of people with whom it is safe to go with (without prior agreement).

SarahAndFuck · 11/06/2013 20:57

I don't think your OP is clear either.

As I read it, she wandered off alone, bumped into him on the cycle path as he was walking his dog and walked with him for a bit before you found them.

She knows him, she has walked with him before, and she told him she was allowed to walk with him now. And he believed her because it's been true in the past.

And if that is the case, YABU.

You've obviously trusted him before. How did that work? Did he ask you in person if he could take her for the walks or did she just go to visit his daughter and go with them without you knowing until afterwards?

I can understand you were frightened, and I do believe that children should always, always ask their parents "is this alright?" before they go off with someone even if they know them well. But I think if she sneaked out, bumped into him and lied to him, you have been unreasonable.

Which direction were they walking in, away from home or back towards it?

Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 20:57

the thing that gets me is that a couple of weeks ago my daughter came in to the house to me and said that she had seen a friend who asked if she wanted to go for a walk and daughter told me she had said no because my mam wont know where I am but this time she chose to go

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 11/06/2013 20:58

You very definitely owe that poor man an apology. He did nothing wrong.

Every parent makes a mistake, no one is perfect, but this was really your issue and not his.

So yeah, YABU.

Original poster
Emz8369 · 11/06/2013 21:00

sarah I have always been asked in the past by both him and his daughter if it was ok if she went with them, they were heading back towards home

OP posts:
defineme · 11/06/2013 21:01

Same reasons as Eglantineprice and ds1 has ASD so needs to have the same rules as our 8 year olds because he can't judge people like a nt child could and he can't understand rules that aren't black and white.
he is wonderful at crossing a road safely, asking shopkeeper how he is etc etc but he can't judge who is a good friend/person we vaguely know.

SarahAndFuck · 11/06/2013 21:01

OP's daughter is not five, she is a couple of weeks away from being seven years old.

Which is still very young IMO, to be out alone, but the OP allows this to a certain distance. It might not make much difference but this man wasn't leading a five year old away.

OP got her age wrong at the start.