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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get why people write to dead people on facebook

170 replies

CaipirinhasAllRound · 10/06/2013 22:16

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't get it

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago and a group was set up so people could swap stories and pics, I get that, but why write 'miss you X' etc

OP posts:
primallass · 10/06/2013 22:18

Because they do. Facebook works as a 'vehicle' for this because it is visual and collaborative.

aldiwhore · 10/06/2013 22:20

You don't get it, so you don't get it.

I don't really 'get' it either, but grief is a funny old thing.

I am guessing that it feels more personal to write 'you' than put the name, and when we write of FB we're usually writing to the person...

Whether you get it or not isn't really the point. People who do this are harming no-one at all.

I find that when dealing with grief and death, a live and let live attitude is the correct one.

Tommy · 10/06/2013 22:20

for some people, it's helpful. Not for me particularly - and obviously not you Wink - but I think at such tines, you just have to allow people to do whatever they need to do

OhDearNigel · 10/06/2013 22:21

For the same reason as they write obituaries, books of condolence, sympathy cards and put in memoriams in the paper.

cricketballs · 10/06/2013 22:21

to allows people to voice what they think, it gives them a forum to voice their thoughts

MammaTJ · 10/06/2013 22:23

Ah well, I recently posted on a dead friends RIP group that I was raising a glass to her on her birthday, because I was. I wanted to remember her, I wanted to share that with our mutual friends. We all miss her and I bet everyone of us was especially missing her on that day! You don't get it, don't do it. Leave those of us who do alone!

apostropheuse · 10/06/2013 22:23

It's just a way to express grief. If it helps some people, where's the harm in it?

I personally wouldn't do it, but that's just me.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 10/06/2013 22:23

You sound lovely.

LingDiLong · 10/06/2013 22:25

I don't get why you would judge the manner in which people choose to grieve. But there you go, maybe we're both lacking in empathy...

usualsuspect · 10/06/2013 22:26

It does sound harsh, and will upset posters on here who use FB to remember their loved ones.

So, have a bit more thought before you start hurtful threads in future.

mrsjay · 10/06/2013 22:26

I dont get it either but facebook is an outpouring of feelings and emotions for some folk so RIP mum or Happy Birthday dad is their way of remembering their loved ones and letting their feelings out, I guess it is a modern way of remembering. Facebook is a funny old place in general

Original poster
CaipirinhasAllRound · 10/06/2013 22:26

I only said I didn't get it Blush

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 10/06/2013 22:28

I get it. A lovely woman I know lost her son in a terrible accident. She and her sons friends post on his FB page. I think it's a nice way to remember her son and for others to share their feelings

mrsjay · 10/06/2013 22:28

you know what I do get it I had a friend who died when dd was a baby so it has been years but some of her mutual friends remember her we used to text now we do it on facebook, it is sharing with friends who are all over the place and a little word about our friend bonds us again,

Rosduk · 10/06/2013 22:29

I write to my son although it's in a book, privately that noone ever sees- not sure I would do it publicly but each to their own- I suppose it's nice if there are a lot of people who knew that person to join together and as Mrs Jay said, it's a modern way to remember!

Gossipmonster · 10/06/2013 22:29

My friend does this - to her dead son. He died of cancer aged 13 two yrs ago.

I choose not to sit here are judge her while my 3 healthy kids sleep upstairs.

I figure if that's a small thing that sees her through then she can write to him all day for all I care.

auntmargaret · 10/06/2013 22:30

YABU. If you don't get it, don't read it.

elQuintoConyo · 10/06/2013 22:30

I have a friend keel over and die suddenly one afternoon, he was 37. He'd been posting pics of his morning walk around his town, then he was gone.
His FB site has been kept running by his DP and we can swing by when we want and leave a message.
It helps.

crumblepie · 10/06/2013 22:31

there is a site called gone to soon it helps people remember their loved ones , light a candle , let them know they are in their thoughts , it lets people know they existed and people do not want their loved ones to be forgotten .

BrianTheMole · 10/06/2013 22:31

There is a fb page for one of my friends who died quite young. Its a lovely meeting place for his friends and family, (who are scattered all over the world), to meet and share stories about our friend, post photographs and raise a glass to him when we feel like it. Its nice to have somewhere to go and do that. You might not understand it, but we find it a great source of comfort.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 10/06/2013 22:32

It's ok not to get it. I don't get it either. I look at it, fail to get it, move on. No accounting for what some people do is there.

rainbowfeet · 10/06/2013 22:32

Grief & grieving is a very personal thing, my dd past away aged 23 months in 2008, I set up a page in her memory, a place to write my feelings, tell her how much I love & miss her etc... The members on her page are family & friends & people who's children have been affected by the same virus she was so its also a chance to raise awareness of it, she was poorly from birth & many of my fb friends are parents to special needs children alive & past & many of them express there feelings on fb, probably because there are lots of people there that understand. Smile

In life & death ... Each to their own I say but I understand why people don't get it, my mum doesn't

usualsuspect · 10/06/2013 22:33

If I want to raise a glass to my niece on my FB page,I will.

If people don't get it,I don't give a fuck TBH

BOF · 10/06/2013 22:34

For exactly the same reason that people leave flowers at accident or crime scenes with messages of missing the person. That's all it is, just online.

BaconKetchup · 10/06/2013 22:36

I also don't get it. However I do think it's best not to question things like this and let people do as they want around such a sensitive issue.

But I myself have told people that when I die I do not want any facebook pages or groups set up (flattering myself a bit there I know) because I find it a bit sort of... I don't know what the word is. Kind of weird but I don't know.

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