to not get why people write to dead people on facebook

[CaipirinhasAllRound]

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't get it

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago and a group was set up so people could swap stories and pics, I get that, but why write 'miss you X' etc

Axure People are dead forever. Just because people don't talk about them all the time doesn't mean they don't miss them.

Maybe the "attention seeking" and cancelling arrangements are moments when they remember them so much more.

For example, you arrange a party for all your friends, your friend who has lost someone will then be thinking, if x where here, they'd be coming too and so they are sad that their life before has changed. Therefore they mention how much they miss them at that time.

I had something booked last weekend, it had been arranged for ages, he wasn't going but it was connected to something that he is invited to, I didn't want to go. I dd go, I had a nice time but I thought about him most of the time and didn't enjoy myself like I would have, had he not died. I didn't tell my friends because I didn't want to take away from their day and happiness. Thankfully, they all could tell and although we didn't talk about it (and start me crying) they kept me company and distracted me.

This probably doesn't really make any sense, I know what I want to say but the words won't come out right. I swear when I found him, something shorted out in my brain and now I can't keep a cognitive thought in my head! I did also mean to thank everyone else, including Northernlurker, in my thanks for telling me that it is ok to grieve anyway that helps.

I never said that any of you are manipulative, just that there are people who are. This is obviously something that some of you can't contemplate, but it does happen. If you find that offensive, well don't really know what to say, can't apologise for saying what my experience is. Won't be bullied into saying otherwise.

Lyingwitch - the OP's thread title asks a question that those who are grieving are placed to answer. I imagine that's why they don't 'steer clear'. I don't like the implication that the grieving are responsible for keeping themselves away from comments that hurt. Is that what you meant to imply? Surely it's everybody else's responsibility to see that grief exists in our society alongside joy and expectation and frustration and all the other emotions we have and act accordingly.
One of my friends who lost a baby was expecting again. I heard mutual friends saying, in a public place where anybody including the parents could have heard, that it would be so nice if X got a girl 'this time' because her other dc were boys. Now fair enough if a little intrusive you might say except that the baby they had lost only a few months before WAS a girl. They had a daughter. We all knew her name. And it was like she'd never existed. So whose responsibility is that remark? If my friend had heard it is it her job not to be upset or is it our job not to be hurtful to start with?

axure - another illjudged comment from you - the bereaved are uppity are they? Really? REALLY? You might want to apologise for that remark.

Expat - I remember your sweet Aillidh. This time last year I prayed for her harder than I've ever prayed for anything or anybody and I will be especially remembering you this month and next. Keep sharing her with us please.

I never understand why people feel they have to 'get' everything- the assumption being that if you don't 'get' then it is 'wrong' or 'silly'.People grieve in different ways- if it helps why not? Dead people don't read newspapers either or grave stones or see flowers.

But in what way are they manipulative axure?

Grieving people are not easy to understand,they often don't understand their own feelings because grief is so complex. It can make people behave out of character. You must be able to appreciate that?

My best friend lost her dad very suddenly when we were 19. Both in our first year of university. Her grief often made her difficult to be around because she was unpredictable,angry,hurting,seeking reassurance and affection all at the same time. I never lost sight of the fact she was grieving.

People cannot use grief to manipulate others. It isn't about anybody else.

Thanks, Northern. So glad everlong, mum2 and I don't have so-called friends like axure, tbh, and if you're on my FB please delete, asap!

I want to be there for other bereaved parents.

I don't care for people who believe there is a moratorium on grief, that it should be 'private', think my bereaved friends and I are just posting about our dead children and our feelings about them for attention, are manipulative, or any other crap.

I have so many bereaved parent friends now. I love hearing about them, every aspect, even the low points. We are here for one another, this is what we have left now. And, speaking often with a now friend who is nearly 42 years past the loss of her daughter, 'I understand'. Means the world, to a fellow bereaved parent.

Lyingwitch if just one person walks away from this thread having "got it", then it is worth the anguish of having to post our feelings on the OP comment.

My cousin died aged 25 a few years ago. I always write Happy birthday x on his facebook page every year. I do it for my auntie because I know I would have wanted that if it had been one of my children.

NorthernLurker... No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant it as an explanation of sorts to Axure. I meant that, for me, in a state of grief, reading a thread title like this would mean that I wouldn't - couldn't - click on it. I wouldn't have the strength to read the thread. It's all too easy to offend people. I truly meant nothing disrespectful at all in my post and it's hit a nerve with you.

Ah fair enough. Apologies for misinterpreting you.

You don't need to 'get it', you just need to 'get' that other people DO 'get it'. It may not be something you'd do, but what does it matter?

FB has allowed the father of one of my departed friends to get to know his sons mates, his sons nickname (!), stories of the good (and bad) things he did and get a true sense of the man his adult son was. The man that he didn't get to see - in the way that we all probably act differently in front of our parents. He sees how well loved his son was by his 'Regimental' family and has probably heard 100 stories about the things he did and said; no matter how small, they all add up.

It's also enabled him to set up a fund in his sons name, an annual sports event, a memorial and lots of charity fund raising.

I truely believe that Shag's dad has been helped by all this. He was a broken man at first and is now a man with lots of new friends and a renewed sense of purpose. If talking about his son makes him feel better than I hope he talks forever.

Rest well Shag, we still miss you

Axure, you're very unpleasant. I take it you haven't lost anyone really close to you yet. And when it happens, which it will, I presume you will not bore or manipulate anyone with your grief and keep your feelings to yourself? When it comes to it, though, you might find it rather difficult to keep it bottled in, and you will probably find you will need the support of your friends and family. Lets hope they are nicer people than you and are able to extend a hand and a little understanding to you.

I regularly leave tributes on Corey Haim tribute pages. It breaks my heart what happened to him.

expat, I have cried, smiled and been thoughtful whenever I have read your comments and feelings about Aillidh. I don't 'know' exactly how you feel, but I do feel a sense of understanding and companionship from lovely ladies like yourself, everlong etc.

We will always post about our children and if people like Axure don't get it, well fuck 'em.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support from all of you. You are so right, this is all we have now.

if anyone starts on expat, they'll have me to answer to

From what I can see, nobody is starting on anyone

I have a close friend who died. His Facebook page is still there, connected to his family who I don't know or see. So when I wrote on his wall how much he was missed on the anniversary of his death, I knew his family would see that he is not forgotten.
Not sure why I feel the need to justify it to you though. It's a bit sad really.

sorry I wasn't being serious