to not get why people write to dead people on facebook

[CaipirinhasAllRound]

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't get it

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago and a group was set up so people could swap stories and pics, I get that, but why write 'miss you X' etc

do you really have to keep reminding everyone that you're grieving?

I might run that by my friend whose 5 yr old died a few months ago

Grief can be very isolating I agree with others. Grief goes on long after others may think. It's a way if keeping a connection I think.

I visit my fathers grave and cry my heart out. Sometimes I wish I could have a friendly word from someone, maybe a hug when I'm there, but it's usually deserted and no one would have known him.

Facebook lets you share that. I keep my dads page going he would hate to have been left out

I don't think op is judging, just asking really.

To the OP, did you mean to be a bit controversial and edgy with this thread
You don't need to get it. People grieve in all sorts of different ways, and quite frankly, it's often a case of whatever gets you through. So, don't sweat it, you don't sound harsh, more that you're trying a little too hard to be edgy.

A friend of dds was killed in a hit and run when he was 14, I noticed a facebook page for him recently (he would now be 19) it was lovely, his friends still writing at important parts of their lives, finishing exams, turning 18, choosing uni etc.

His brothers come on every now and then, I just thought in a way it was rather lovely whilst being terribly sad, hes not forgotten. In some way I think it might be comforting for his parents and family, I know when you lose someone it can be awful when you think people forget.

I am so shocked and upset by the attention seeking comments. Yes I am seeking attention, I am seeking attention for my beautiful daughter because it is one of my biggest fears that she will be forgotten. That her short life won't mean anything. If any of my friends begrudge me this then they are not real friends and I hope would defriend me on fb.

I would post about her every day if I could but I don't, I limit it to significant dates. I know my grief is difficult for other people to handle. I agree with other posters. You can't know what it is like until you have experienced it, but i hope you never will.

I disagree with you Axure. I think that often, people think that other people should just get over things. People grieve at their own rate and in their own way. It's not so much looking for sympathy, but a reminder that they still hurt.

Mum still cries (not often, but it happens) about her sister who died 25 years ago. She still misses her. I think it's perfectly acceptable for her to gently remind people that actually that particular date in December (the anniversary), is going to be hard for her and her siblings and their mother.

It's not nastily done; she recognises that the grief, to us, is very distant. I was just 11 when she died, and while it has a huge impact, I can barely remember the date. However, grief can last a very long time and it ebbs and flows, and it's OK for people who aren't right there experiencing it to be reminded of that when it's necessary.

I do see what you mean about not totally getting it, but I think especially for close relatives etc it acts as a way of feeling like their prayers/messages/whatever are being listened to.

I lost my grandad a couple of years ago, who I was very close to. I sometimes leave him letters on his grave, and it's only the same thing really. If he had a Facebook wall I might write the stuff on there. It's just a way of leaving a message and if it helps what's the harm?

Axure

My grief is not manipulative, the loss of my son is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't post on his FB in order for people to 'comfort' me. I am not looking for sympathy from strangers, I am sharing my loss with my FAMILY and FRIENDS. In exactly the same way that I share my younger sons triumphs and achievements.

My son was cremated and his ashes were scattered in the sea. His FB is the closest thing we all have to a place to come together and laugh, cry and mourn.

Grief is not about playing people and putting on a show for strangers, as bereaved parents, we spend enough time pretending it doesn't hurt in order to make people like you feel better. If you haven't lost a child, then I'm sorry but you haven't got a clue about what we are going through and how we are dealing with it. We belong to a very exclusive club and it isn't one any of us wanted to join.

I do it when I'm thinking of my mum or something happens that I wish she could know about. I couldn't give a flying fuck if people don't like it or feel awkward . it helps me to think I have got the words out and sometimes it even helps when someone says oh hey I was thinking about your mum or along those lines because like others have said I would hate for her to be forgotten. gone far too soon as it is without feeling like I can't mention her. we seem to be a very stiff upper lip approach community but grieving isn't set out in a textbook. some days I feel happy, then guilty for being happy, then crushed if I want to tell people that then I will there's a delete button for a reason

Seriously, you really need to ask?

OP, perhaps you don't 'get it' because you've never known the agony of grief. I'm pleased for you. It's not very nice. People don't just get wiped from the memories of those who are left behind, you know. Would you prefer that when you die, you are never referred to again? That no one misses you so much that they chat away to you the way they always did?

I've read some shit on mumsnet but this actually takes the

I do wonder sometimes if the way people react this is based around how they use Facebook. Perhaps the people who object are the sort who will be friends with anyone who crosses their path?

Posting a message on my Facebook to my sister would not constitute announcing stuff to the WWW. It would be seen by a group consisting of some lovely people who I am related to or like enormously.

If you dislike someone so much that you can quite believe that they use protestations of grief as an emotional manipulation then why on earth would you be Facebook friends with them?
And if you are then why don't you simply stop looking at their feed?
Why does anyone read and ponder the content of posts from people they clearly don't give the tiniest shit about.

2rebecca exactly what you said. I'm not saying everyone uses their grief in a manipulatative way, just that I have personal experience of that and maybe that is why I have views which some of you find odd - as some have pointed out unless it's happened to you you don't know why people act the way that do, holds for all experiences. OP may well know the 'agony of grief' she just doesn't get why people post messages to dead people on Facebook. mumof2teenboys yes you're right grief shouldn't be about a public show, playing people against each other, but that is my experience and it's as valid as yours and anyone else's.

All these losses, heartbreaking.

I wish we'd had a page for my dear old Dad, no one speaks of him anymore

Axure, you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I meant that bereaved people aren't doing anything to manipulate or gain sympathy. Grief is an emption just as happiness or sadness is. No-one ever accuses a happy person of manipulating others. Grief should be public, we should be able to speak about our loved ones, we shouldn't be worried about upsetting other people by talking about them.

The people who don't or can't understand my grief, they aren't my friends. My friends know why I post on James' FB, they don't think I'm doing it for any other reason than because I can.

We don't post on FB or put floweres on a grave for anyone we don't know, we do it for our loved ones and our friends understand that.

mumof2teenboys Yes I know grief can hit you unexpectedly, hearing certain songs does it to me and I have to try to stop tears, or people think you're mad. I stand by what I say that some people are manipulative, yes they are in a very small minority, but they do exist, and blight the life of those who have to deal with them. I perhaps shouldn't have raised that fact in this thread. We all have shit to deal with, some shit much more awful I realise.

I have around 30 "friends" on FB made up of family and friends - people who I'm close with IRL. DB & I post rememberance messages in honour of our father as does DH and his siblings in honour of theirs. I also wrote a message to the baby I lost on Mother's Day & I'll do the se on my EDD & every anniversary. It's an outlet for grief on an upsetting day & the comments I have back are sent with love. It's not attention seeking, more a statement that I'm sad and I need a hug. I'm lucky to have friends who understand this and offer that support.

Maybe you should unfriend some of these people who annoy you? You can't really be friendly with them if you so t want to support them in their grief.

Because they feel the need to do something, communicate something, share something.

People do all sorts of "irrational" things when they are grieving - write letters and burn them, visit graves and talk to their relative, buy flowers for their loved one, talk to them.

It's just that, for the computer age.

I suppose its the same as me keeping my brothers number in my phone he has been gone 5 years now. greif does strange things to people.

I am so sorry for everyone who has lost someone close to them. And thank you to all those who commented on my post. I was rather emotional last night and probably shouldn't have posted.

When I post on Facebook to my boyfriend, I don't do it for sympathy. I do it as an outlet for my grief, to tell him that I am still thinking about him, I do not expect anyone to answer me.

He is buried in another country, I lost our home 4 weeks after he died, I have nowhere to go to talk to him.

I also find it really hard to tell people when I am struggling, it's how I was brought up, my parents/sibling do not show emotion, even when my brother died, I saw my parents upset the day he died and the day of his funeral, afterwards they did their grieving in private, maybe together, I didn't know. I do know they love and care about me though I can't talk to them, my dad leaves the room if I cry!

However, most of my friends and family don't know when I am feeling sad and lonely, when I need someone to talk to. They all have their own lives, partners, families. If I were to text half a dozen of them when I need to talk, chances are they will be busy, I know that they'd call me but I might be disturbing their time with their loved ones and I now know that life is far too short and people leave us too quickly that I don't want to take them away from their loved ones.

If I post on Facebook, people who have the time will then call/message me. I don't feel so guilty for taking up their time.

I think that judging how someone reacts to losing someone is completely unfair. Grief is such an individual emotion, no-one knows how they will cope from bereavement to bereavement.

I'd just like to add - I love and miss K more than words can say and I have to think that he can see/hear/feel me and know that he will never ever be forgotten.

I've never made reference to my dd who died on fb except for when I was fundraising in her memory. But it doesn't exactly take much imagination to work out why: for comfort.
I really think the op is being at best disingenuous and at worst sneery. They've not returned anyway.
Axure I don't think I understand your point or its relevance to the thread??

Callaird - beautifully put and yes, I'm sure he can.

Everlong turning on crocodile tears and saying things in the hope that it will spoil something that I've arranged to do, or, make me cancel it completely, then everything is Ok again for a while, until the next time there's a need for attention. I'm not saying for one minute that this is the behaviour of 99.9% of grieving people. Why is it so hard to understand that that's what some people do? No I don't rise to it anymore, but used to be a sucker.

I think you lovely ladies have been way too reasonable to axure. I'm not feeling that way inclined.
Axure - your remarks are offensive and your attitude stinks. You say you have known people to manipulate grief. By that I take it you mean they are faking emotion - because genuine emotion cannot be manipulated. The emotion itself is the driver. So firstly where do you get off dictating what is and isn't real and secondly why in the name of all that's sensible would you feel it a good idea to drag that torrid little thought on to a thread where people have spoken about their loss of partner, sibling and child.
In answer to the OP - you don't have to do it and in order to 'get' it all you have to do is exert yourself to think that some people have some really terrible things happen to them and maybe their broken hearts need to find balm.
I have two friends who have lost babies. They mention them once a year on Facebook. Once a year, on their birthdays when they share their love and lost hopes for those little souls and do you know what that's fine with me. More than fine. If it gave them one second of relief from the grief that shattered their lives I would support them posting every hour on the hour. But it doesn't - because nothing does. My grandmother lost her son nearly 40 years ago. Our family still grieves.
Grief doesn't stop or go away. Those grieving learn how to live with it but it never goes nor should it ebcause the love that prompts that grief will never go either.
I'm proud to have friends who love and grieve and so should everybody be. If you can't find it in you to understand that (and I'm talking to everybody on this thread who deosn't 'get' this now) then you need to seriously reflect on your soul. Emotional intelligence is a useful attribute.