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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get why people write to dead people on facebook

170 replies

CaipirinhasAllRound · 10/06/2013 22:16

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't get it

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago and a group was set up so people could swap stories and pics, I get that, but why write 'miss you X' etc

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 10/06/2013 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gemdotcom · 10/06/2013 22:40

Yab-a teeny bit-u

I get why you don't get it. But as someone mentioned, it's the same as obituaries, but using modern media. Everyone grieves differently and for the few this outpouring will give them some comfort.

What gives me the shudders is my BIL updating my sadly departed SIL's Facebook with game requests and such.

BoundandRebound · 10/06/2013 22:42

Because it forms a connection, and to some that is a pale reflection of what should be and to others there is a belief that it makes it real

Nobody truly dies when we remember them, this is the 21st century way of keeping that person with us

Sunnywithshowers · 10/06/2013 22:42

Because I miss my friend. It's nice to see that others do too.

MeerkatMerkin · 10/06/2013 22:43

I didn't used to understand, I admit - I used to find it a little crass. But my 16 year old cousin was hit by a car and killed in April and the amount of love and support from our family and his friends on Facebook was incredibly comforting. It felt like an outlet where we could all grieve and share memories. We all loved him and we all still talk to him.

Did you see that episode of Black Mirror (Charlie Brooker) a couple of months ago? It sounds strange, but I was utterly freaked out by it at the time (anyone who has seen it will know what I'm referring to), but now I feel as though I understand. It doesn't seem such a strange concept to want to talk to someone when they're gone, as though they are still here.

FeeFoo · 10/06/2013 22:45

We all have different ways of expressing grief. I've read over replies and I'm in agreement with most. It's best not to judge anyone whose reaching out in this way, loss is hard to cope with, if it helps someone and honours a memory, where's the harm?

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/06/2013 22:54

I don't get it either Op, it isn't my way of dealing with things. But it obviously does make people feel better because it's not unusual. Grief is different for everybody I suppose.

Also OP - don your protective gear now,I've seen this discussed before and the OP got an absolute pasting.

SirRaymondClench · 10/06/2013 22:56

In this day and age where we reach out to people so much online whether we are parted by physical distance, the fact that we don't 'know them' in 'real life' or just because we live busy lives, it makes sense that we do this after someone has died.
Especially as so many people are now cremated, there often isn't an actual place to visit and remember people so why not visit their Facebook page or whatever.

trackies · 10/06/2013 23:07

re:'i miss you' - some people like to think their loved one's are not gone forever, but are in a different place, and can still hear them or see them, hence write messages to them, or talk to them (usually in their heads). I used to chat to my DF in my head quite often after he died. Sometimes, soothing to believe they can still hear you, even if you can't hear/see them. Writing 'i love you' on FB page is similar kinda thing i think.

boschy · 10/06/2013 23:07

A friend of mine died in march, aged 62. he was very well-known locally, and although I knew some of his friends, I didnt know all of them or all of their stories. his death was totally unexpected, and it has been lovely to share what everyone else knew of him. RIP David.

carbalanche · 10/06/2013 23:19

I sympathise. Every year I see my close family (and not so close family) tell my Dad to "Rest in Peace" and "Love You Dad/Grand-Dad". Every year I have to fight the urge to post the following " Dad never had a Facebook account and if he did, he's in no position to read your messages now"

I think he would have approved of such a message. But I am too cowardly to actually do it.

I can totally see the need for people to express their grief in the immediate aftermath of a death - social media can be useful and helpful in this period of incomprehensible shock - a virtual book of condolence if you like. After that, surely grief and remembrance can become more intimate?

Pumpkinette · 10/06/2013 23:37

I can understand why people so it for friends / family an loved ones that they have lost.

What I don't get is when people send messages to people they don't know. (On RIP pages). It seems a hundred memorial pages pop up for anyone who has died and made the news, followed by thousands of messages from strangers. Hmm

pleiadianpony · 10/06/2013 23:42

Yes, i find it really weird too. It is akin to speaking in the third person or talking about 'God' as some sort of separate entity.

BUT I have never experienced losing someone close and having contact with their facebook page so i will reserve any more judgement!

Callaird · 10/06/2013 23:43

11 weeks ago I would have totally agreed with you. I didn't get it either. I used to think, once you are gone, you are gone, you can't hear me talking to you at your grave site, in the kitchen, when I go to bed or even in my head.

However, my partner died suddenly 11 weeks ago and now I cannot bear the thought that he is not here to look over me, to think that he cannot hear me when I cry and tell him I love him, I miss him, I hate him for leaving me.

I post messages to him on my Facebook page. To me it is just a way to release my grief. It's just telling the world how much I love and miss him.

Please, please don't tell people who have lost someone close to them that they are odd. This thread has upset me and now got me feeling that all my Facebook friends (who are mainly close friends and family and people who would never ridicule me for posting) are thinking that I am odd or stupid and that I am annoying them with my drivel. Thanks.

pleiadianpony · 10/06/2013 23:44

carblanche do it!!

usualsuspect · 10/06/2013 23:49

Please don't feel you are odd or stupid,calliard.

Sorry for your loss x

Theyoniwayisnorthwards · 10/06/2013 23:50

Calliard I would put money on the fact that none of your friends and family think that. I am so sorry for your loss. X

BrianTheMole · 10/06/2013 23:54

I'm so sorry Callaird. x

carbalanche · 10/06/2013 23:58

Callaird so sorry for your loss. I don't think the OP or anyone on this thread is ridiculing anyone for posting in the immediate aftermath of a death. I am sure no one thinks that you are odd, stupid or writing drivel. You are grieving and there is no right and wrong. And there are no hard and fast rules as to what defines the "immediate" aftermath either.

I think some relationships are conducted and broadcast on social media - my Dad was 80 when he died and had no concept of Facebook so I think it somewhat ridiculous that these condolences are on there (my Mother doesn't have facebook either).

I imagine you are raw with grief - take care of yourself.

StuntGirl · 10/06/2013 23:59

It is a way for people to grieve. Why would you judge that?

Caillard I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

MrsBungle · 11/06/2013 00:00

If I want to say I miss my mum ony Facebook page then I will whether folk "get it " or not. I really couldn't give a fuck. If anyone I'm friends with doesn't get why I might say happy birthday to my mum or that I can't believe it's been 5 long years since I saw her last then I hope they de-friend me. I do not want to be friends with anyone who would judge the way someone else grieves.

Mograt · 11/06/2013 00:14

My DSIL died from breast cancer at the age of 45 just five years ago and her two lovely daughters set up a FB page for her friends and family to post on to remember her and to send each other supportive messages. I always post on her anniversary so they know im thinking of them and her and they share some great photos which we all laugh and chat about. It works for us and that's all that matters really.

Strokethefurrywall · 11/06/2013 00:15

I lost my darling younger brother a year ago this coming Friday. I write to him on facebook a lot and if I'm honest, I like seeing his friends do the same thing.
For my family and I, seeing his friends posting messages and videos on his wall is a testament to the fact that his memory is living on. His friends still think of him and that is a comfort.
And I'm sure, this Friday when we're all reliving the pain of the events of last year, the messages from his and our friends on his facebook wall will really help us feel like we're not alone in our grief.

Callaird I am so sorry for your loss. Don't ever feel you need to explain your grief or that you're doing it wrong. At this time, you don't need anything except unconditional love and support from your friends and family. I understand the feeling that writing on facebook makes it feel like they're not gone. I know. Do whatever you need to to get yourself through the day. Much love Flowers

Mixxy · 11/06/2013 00:20

YABU. And Flowers for all those posting here about loved ones they've lost, in particular those who lost children.

Strokethefurrywall · 11/06/2013 00:20

By the way, my post wasn't intended as a pasting of the OP - just hopefully an explanation of why some people write to their deceased loved ones on facebook.