to not get why people write to dead people on facebook

[CaipirinhasAllRound]

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't get it

A friend of mine died a couple of years ago and a group was set up so people could swap stories and pics, I get that, but why write 'miss you X' etc

Hahaha at posting advice.

I find it irritating because it's bollocks.
It's attention seeking shite. An attempt to say 'gosh I am so brave I am going to get a pasting but look at me, I am going to do it anyway'. It serves no other purpose.
And in the context of this thread where grieving people have expressed why it upsets them it is gratuitous and a bit wanky.

Grieving people can do what the fuck they like as long as they are not hurting anyone.

you know what axure there is such a thing as positive sympathy and attention people sometimes need it and that is ok you know, nobody should have to grieve privately or alone if they dont want too

and you know what grieving in private is shit and isolating

At the cemetery where DS2 is buried you can see how people react very differently in how they decorate their babies plots.
The grave next to DS2 resembles a junk yard at times with all the tack that piled on it but so what? As Pag says, it doesn't harm me.

Yy MrsJay - grieving alone is shit and isolating.

My niece is alone. Lost both her parents, one only weeks ago.
She needs support but it must be hard to post at 9.00 at night 'someone please talk to me'. If she posts something, if she sends messages to her mum it makes her feel better and it has the potential to allow others to reply and help and sympathise.
Sometimes people feel as if the world has moved on while their loss feels moments ago. It must be hard to feel as though you keep going on about it. we all do the 'yes, I'm fine thanks'. If this lets people feel better I don't see the harm.

Just want to apologise - I used the words "immediate aftermath" and it was wrong. It made it sound like I think there should be an "allowable" period of public mourning and then sweep it under the carpet and grieve quietly - it's not what I believe at all but that's how it sounded. Sorry.

It's obvious from this thread that Facebook is enormously helpful to those of you who have suffered the heartache of loss. I should have kept my opinions to myself as I was only putting forward MY experience and Facebook is not a huge part of my life anyway so I obviously don't want to use it to express my own grief over my Father - that's my choice but I know it sounded like I was saying that others shouldn't either which I have no right to say. I know that grief and mourning is a constant ongoing process with no full stop.

Heartbreaking stories on here - strength and peace to you all and apologies again.

Two friends died in their early 40's leaving young children. Both were on FB. Widow of one has taken down her husband's FB page. Completely her right, I think it pained her to see his profile. I would have liked his profile to have stayed. For me, it was like visiting his grave (he was cremated so no RL grave). Which is how it is for the other friend who died. Her profile is still on FB and people leave messages on the anniversary of her death and her birthday. Recently looked at their pictures on FB (widow has pics of her husband on her profile). They made me smile and think of them both.

As someone said, it's the modern way to keep someone's memory alive and to honour them, anytime you need, middle of the night when you can't sleep and need some way of connecting with the person you've lost.

I don't think you meant to stir emotions but, OP, is it really so difficult to comprehend why people do it?

It's not attention seeking and for the poster who suggested it might be, either you have not had to grieve for anyone or you grieve in a different way.

So very sorry to all those who have lost loved ones, I can't help but shed a tear when I read what you're going through. Hope you can use any means to overcome the pain you're feeling and to keep your loved one's spirit alive.

Please don't let a small minority of crass comments make you question how you cope with your grief and honour your loved ones.

An aquaintance of mine died suddenly (in her mid 20's) last September. A memorial page was set up in her honour, as well as her remaining Facebook profile.

It is used by her friends regularly to remember her by - she was a massive festival goer so it is currently being used quite a lot as festival season comes again, and they are understandably missing her.

It has also been used to arrange a memorial in her hometown at which over 100 people let of balloons and sky lanterns, groups of people have coordinated getting one of her tattoos in memoriam, her best mate completed a skydive in aid of Brain Injuries charity in her honour and fundraised through the page.

And her mum gets great comfort from seeing her friends remembering her fondly, happily, and recounting memories she didn't know of or stories she never heard.

She was not a great friend of mine, she had many many friends and was a wonderful person; and I pop back every couple of months because she really was a ray of sunshine and even though she is gone, the stories on the page make me smile and I know she still motivates and inspires people, and was really one of a kind. It sort of makes me uncomfortable, but at the same time it is enlightening and I'm sure it is even more so for people who were closer to her than I.

Everlong no I haven't but several close friends have and I remember the anniversaries. I'm just saying in response to OP that I feel some people do their grieving more publicly because they are looking for attention. My friends don't post in a public forum that they are missing their children because their friends and family all know that and give support anyway.

remembering those who have passed isnt a private matter where I am from axure. We say prayers for the dead, light memorial candles and remember them often. Their names are mentioned weekly. Their memories live on through talking about them with family and friends.
For a uear after the loss the family are considered in mourning and helped and remembered often and encouraged to talk.
How sad you think it should be all bottled up.

Would it be such a terrible thing to ask for attention or for sympathy if you are grieving? If anyone of my facebook friends posted about the loss of their child or their partner I would like to think that they could rely upon my attention and my sympathy because we are friends. I don't understand why somebody asking for attention under these circumstances would irk you?

Everyone is different in dealing with their grief. When my friend writes 'I miss you' to her dead husband on facebook on his birthday I don't think "what is she doing that for?" I just hope that has helped her deal with the day in some teeny tiny way.

And fwiw, a few years ago I might have agreed with you and thought it was all horribly undignified. But then my DD died and well . . . I'm 100% with what everlong said earlier. You don't know how you yourself might react until it happen to you. Now I think, when it comes to grief, there is no schedule, no timeline, no handbook and no right way to do it. You just get through it by any means necessary. If you don't like it, don't participate, de-friend, block, ignore?

Why do you have to 'get' it - it's got nothing to do with you.

As for the comments about 'attention seeking' - I'm at a loss, I really am. I presume twattish things like that are said by people who have never had the misfortune to lose someone.

It is not the way I grieve - but no-one should feel bad about doing it if it helps them. Don't let this type of thread stop you.

Everlong,
She is in her early twenties. Very young to be organising your mothers funeral.
I am not very close to her but I am trying to be a support albeit from far away. I can help with practical stuff. That's the easy bit isn't it.

Posting as someone who's family is in the midst of grief - this thread is really sad. OP what possessed you to post it? Some people won't get why others post intimate details of their lives on a public forum but hey it helps some people. Talking to the deceased on facebook helps people and it is also a way of reaching out for love and support. Hope you get it now

Due to family issues there is no memorial/grave for my Mum and so nowhere I can go to "visit" her.

I do still post messages to her on her FB page, it may seem weird to some but it feels like I'm talking to her, and letting her know I miss her so much.

Trying to explain it to others it sounds strange/irrational, the same as still having her number in my phone under Mum. Just can't bring myself to delete it.

So sorry to everyone here who is living with the loss of a loved one.

My daughters best friend was murdered three years ago(made the news), boy was 16 years of age, she spoke to him like 2 hours before the murder and had no chance to say goodbye.Yes there was a facebook page set up in tribute as whole thing was ragic

I occasionally post on my friend's fb page, who died of cancer, on her birthday and the anniversary of her death.

And I couldn't give a flying fuck if some insensitive bint on an internet forum thinks I am attention seeking or not.

infamouspoo I'm not saying that grief should be bottled up. I don't feel at all uncomfortable talking to someone who's bereaved. I do have experience of people who use being bereaved to manipulate and gain attention, who switch the 'grief' on and off to get what they want. I'm not suggesting that everyone does this, but a very small minority do. Perhaps I shouldn't let this cloud my judgement but I really do think that some people post these sort of messages on Facebook to get attention, as I said before it's obvious you miss someone on their birthday, why would you post that fact unless you wanted people who didn't already know to reply 'poor you' etc? Obviously I'm not a Facebook fan.

I wouldn't post stuff about dead relatives on facebook but have relatives who do.
As many of my facebook friends are family I'd feel I was doing some sort of grief one upmanship if I posted how much I was missing mum and then all other relatives felt obliged to join in or be thought callous.
Of course I miss my mum, I don't feel that saying so on Facebook changes that or has any sort of positive effect.
I don't care what other people post about dead relatives, it's just not my way of grieving. There's an exhibitionist quality to it that makes me uncomfortable.
I'll happily (? unhappily) chat in person or on the phone or by text about dead people, it's the broadcasting my grief to the WWW that makes me uncomfortable, but then I post very little on facebook and twitter and am not into telling everyone my business (sounding like my nanna there!)

This is a bit of a peeve for me, I don't know why but it is.