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AIBU?

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Original poster

Soft play incident - WIBU?!

385 replies

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 10:29

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 13:47

I never said I 'felt sick' about the OP's situation or that it was abuse, I said I wouldn't use 'time out' for a 3 year old and that essentially I think that 'back chatting' toddlers are pure fantasy. I justified my argument so what is wrong with that as far as I can see I'm in the minority so by rights I should be feeling victimised but I don't because I have more tenacity than that. I don't even read any books on being a 'parent' as they all bang on about ridiculous discipline methods that if you don't administer them, make you feel 'lacking' in some way.

I don't think like you - get over it!

cory · 10/06/2013 13:47

Roary1 Mon 10-Jun-13 13:31:09
"I would rather my son does the pushing than the victim who gets shoved out the way. Also I don't understand why a mum would intervene-surely children should learn to sort things out between themselves."

So what if you just happen to give birth to a child who is smaller and weaker than most other children his age? Will you just be happy for him to be pushed and shoved? What exactly gets sorted out when stronger children learn they can do what they like with weaker children?

cory · 10/06/2013 13:49

I never read a parenting book when dc were little. I just watched dd and knew that once she had started pushing or biting she was quite likely to do it again unless removed and I didn't think that was fair on the other children. As far as I am concerned, this approach is common sense parenting: it doesn't suddenly become faddy or abusive if it happens to be couched in the terms of some book or other.

edam · 10/06/2013 13:50

Other parent sounds nuts - behaviour so bizarre her own dh/dp felt obliged to come over and apologise.

Not surprised it threw you, OP, but sounds as if she's clearly the one out of line, not you.

QuintessentialOldDear · 10/06/2013 13:55

"I would rather my son does the pushing than the victim who gets shoved out the way. Also I don't understand why a mum would intervene-surely children should learn to sort things out between themselves."

You cant expect other children to parent or raise you child, that is just lazy parenting. (Much like the parenting I witnessed in Norway, to be honest)

OP, I would not remove my child from the play situation at the first warning. I would remind him then and there without making him lose his turn first, as that would cause a melt down. Like happened with you.

Next time, if you want to try prevent your child from losing the plot and hit you, try a gentle reminder to not push and shove other children out of the way without taking him aside, without kneeling down and making a scene. Try tell him he will need to take a break from the activity and lose his turn, if he tries to take another child's turn. It worked with me and my sons. Might work with you.

I have met plenty of thugs. Mostly at softplay. Hmm Not been in one for a year, after my son was punched in the face by another boy.

Roary1 · 10/06/2013 13:56

cory my son is on the 99th height centile for his age

skyeskyeskye · 10/06/2013 13:59

OP. YANBU. I went on an Incredible Years parenting course at my local Childrens Centre. What you did with your child, was exactly what we were told to do in regards to time out, ignoring bad behaviour etc. and you cannot tell a child off, and then cuddle it when it is crying, it is sending mixed messages.

Children do have to learn if they do something wrong and they must learn not to hurt other people. I was at a soft play where a mother was letting her children throw metal cars through the net at other children.. because she "doesn't believe in rules and regulations." ... somebody reported her to the management and she was asked to control her children or leave.

That woman has no business touching your child and interfering in what you were doing. You were not being abusive in any way. She was totally out of order.

LisaExpress · 10/06/2013 13:59

"Next time, if you want to try prevent your child from losing the plot and hit you, try a gentle reminder to not push and shove other children out of the way without taking him aside, without kneeling down and making a scene. Try tell him he will need to take a break from the activity and lose his turn, if he tries to take another child's turn. It worked with me and my sons. Might work with you."

I know that wouldn't work with my 4 year old. Softplay is too much stimulus for him to take in anything like that. Picking him up and physically moving him does get through however. Nice that such a gentle intervention worked for you, but horses for courses eh?

Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 14:02

Well exactly common sense to me is just telling a 3 year old not to push a child on a slide. If it happened again I'd ask them not to do it again and if it happened again I'd say lets go and do something else as you're hurting that child on the slide.

I can't believe I am being blamed for PND. Yes great post Miaow, telling someone that they are a bully, a loudmouth and responsible for PND in others. FYI, I hate toddler groups because all the ones I have been to have those demonstrative parents present who tut at you if you the only discipline method you use is explanation and common sense! I really can't begin to imagine how anyone would bully you.

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 14:03

Thanks Quint, I'll bear that in mind for next time.

OP posts:
cory · 10/06/2013 14:03

"Next time, if you want to try prevent your child from losing the plot and hit you, try a gentle reminder to not push and shove other children out of the way without taking him aside, without kneeling down and making a scene. Try tell him he will need to take a break from the activity and lose his turn, if he tries to take another child's turn. It worked with me and my sons. Might work with you."

How do you physically manage this in a soft play centre, on a slide, amongst other children trying to get by, without getting in their way and still managing to make yourself heard without shouting? How do you get the child to listen in this situation without taking him aside?

frenchgrey · 10/06/2013 14:04

I despair of where UK society is going, if what the OP did is even worthy of comment! Last time I looked it was just called parenting.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 14:06

I'd be interested in how you felt when your son was punched in the face Quint and what the parent of that child did to discipline them?? If a stranger picked up my 3 years old to cuddle them they would be upset and distressed far more than any timeout would cause

LisaExpress · 10/06/2013 14:07

"How do you physically manage this in a soft play centre, on a slide, amongst other children trying to get by, without getting in their way and still managing to make yourself heard without shouting? How do you get the child to listen in this situation without taking him aside?"

By glueing yourself to your child and remaining vigilant at all times.

cory · 10/06/2013 14:07

Roary1 Mon 10-Jun-13 13:56:51
"cory my son is on the 99th height centile for his age"

So how do you expect the other children to sort things out and teach him that pushing and shoving is unacceptable. Or do you expect him to go through life without learning this? And how popular do you think that will make him?

Ime by the time they get to infants school (which in the OP's case will be either this September or next September) the other children will already be old and savvy enough to avoid any child who is too rough for them: someone who hasn't been taught to be gentle will end up with no friends. You can't force children to keep putting themselves in a situation where they are getting hurt.

cory · 10/06/2013 14:09

LisaExpress Mon 10-Jun-13 14:07:03
""How do you physically manage this in a soft play centre, on a slide, amongst other children trying to get by, without getting in their way and still managing to make yourself heard without shouting? How do you get the child to listen in this situation without taking him aside?"

By glueing yourself to your child and remaining vigilant at all times."

Oh I absolutely agree with this as a preventative measure. That should be the first measure.

But I still think it is difficult to make a child listen to a verbal explanation in the midst of climbing equipment.

Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 14:09

Where it is going? There have always been parents in Britain that haven't used formal discipline methods. My parents where generally like this, just used common sense and told us to be kind. My Grandparents on both sides never smacked my parents who grew up in the 50's. They were not hippies or 'alternative', just normal people.

Roary1 · 10/06/2013 14:13

cory he will be far more popular than a pathetic victim. I will teach him to stick up for himself and never allow anyone to push him about.

with your attitude your kids will end up getting bullied-both now and as adults.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 14:13

No one else mentioned smacking...

LisaExpress · 10/06/2013 14:14

Sorry Cory I was being a tad tongue in cheek! I usually take 4 children to softplay, so they can burn off some energy and I can stare catatonically into space over an extortionate cup of coffee. If I had to helicopter them all at every moment I wouldn't bother going. And I'm with you on the verbal thing. We use a lot of gestures...

cory · 10/06/2013 14:15

Noone in my family ever smacked either, Goldenbear. In fact, noone we knew did. But they still ended up with some children (not every child!) for whom a nice reminder to be kind wasn't enough. I was one of those children. Dd was another. My db otoh was a gentle soul, as was ds.

I am sure if my parents had stopped at one child, they would have been convinced that their method of gentle reminders would work for every child. I know they found it very confusing that the parenting that had worked so beautifully on my elder brother never seemed to have any effect on me. I was not an unhappy or disturbed child, just very headstrong.

For me, my most difficult child was the eldest, so I never had any illusions. But was still pleasantly surprised to see that gentle reminders worked so well on no 2.

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 14:16

Cory - this September he starts school.

Nice bit of victim blaming there, Roary. Obviously not the aggressive child's fault but the "pathetic" victim. I really hope you wouldn't be proud of your son if he was bullying others?

OP posts:
Roary1 · 10/06/2013 14:19

pushing a kid out of the way is hardly bullying

Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 14:19

1veryhungrycaterpillar, I was responding to Frenchgrey's hysterical response about UK society.

cory · 10/06/2013 14:20

Roary1 Mon 10-Jun-13 14:13:08
"cory he will be far more popular than a pathetic victim. I will teach him to stick up for himself and never allow anyone to push him about.

with your attitude your kids will end up getting bullied-both now and as adults."

Mine are 13 and 16 so anyone who wants to bully them as kids had better get in there quickly. Grin

In fact, they seem rather popular and have a good social life, no bullying problems as far as I can see. Even gentle ds seems to be well respected by his peers and has not been short of girlfriends. Their attitude has helped them to do well and settle at schools which have all been very strict about bullying.