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AIBU?

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Original poster

Soft play incident - WIBU?!

385 replies

Sianilaa · 09/06/2013 10:29

I took my three year old to a soft play place the other day. He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

I picked him up, took him to a quiet bench away from the play area, against the back wall and explained hitting was unacceptable and he would do 3 mins time out. If he repeated it, we would go home. I stood about 1 metre away from him and turned my back while he did his time out. Close to him so he knew I was there but not giving him any attention. I was calm but firm - Supernanny would have been proud!

He was sobbing hard though, but stayed put. About a minute later a woman came rushing over to me, pushed past me and picked my son up and started cuddling/rocking him! She kept saying to him, "shhh, there there. It's not your fault you have such a cruel, abusive mummy. It's ok now."

I was so shocked, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, catching flies for about a minute. When I got a grip, I told her to put him down and stop interfering when I was calmly disciplining my own child. This woman had a smaller child with her, plus a female partner. She put him down and went back to her partner loudly talking about how awful and cruel and damaging I was to my son. I lost my temper, and went over and said how dare she touch my son and interfere when I was trying to teach him hitting and pushing was wrong and that surely time out was better than screaming/swearing/smacking him?! I walked away shaking like a leaf.

Her partner came over a few minutes later and apologised, saying she had very strong views on discipline and ignorance and that she didn't agree with what I had done but that she shouldn't have done it or been so rude. At which point I said I wasn't ignorant in any way, and that they should be careful who they say these things to as next time they might get thumped by someone or ejected for inappropriately touching a child.

What would you have done?! Is time out cruel?! I didn't smack him or shout at him, but I did have to wrestle with him slightly to get him over to the time out spot I chose.

It's still making my blood boil just thinking about it.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 13:10

You don't have to administer 'time out' to teach your child right from wrong! I find that if you don't use these conventional methods, you're seen as 'alternative' or that you are suggesting you're the 'perfect' parent.

I've known plenty of articulate toddlers/ pre-schoolers but none that have demonstrated insolence with it. Toddlers are copying the language and phrases they here so what appears to be rude is most likely what you or others have said to them or around them, repeated back to you at a later date. My 2 year old says, 'for God sake Lady' quite often when she is frustrated but I don't think she is being impertinent. She has most probably heard me say 'for God's sake' and her brother will say to her 'young lady' as his teacher will say 'young man/young lady'.

MiaowTheCat · 10/06/2013 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ
KateSMumsnet · 10/06/2013 13:19

A quick reminder of our rules regarding troll hunting. We will be deleting posts that are doing so.

MrsMelons · 10/06/2013 13:20

I do understand where you are coming from Goldenbear but if my 2 YO said for gods sake lady I would be telling them they should not be saying it. They wouldn't be on time out for it as is a minor issue but still just because they are 2 doesn't mean they can say anything they like. I actually rarely need to use timeout but generally it works for me.

Quintessential - the OP does not sound like a thug at all, she said she explained not to push calmly and her child hit her. How is that OTT about the pushing.

He was playing nicely most of the time but then I noticed he pushed a child out of the way to get on a slide first. I went straight over, took him aside and explained pushing/pushing in wasn't nice and he was to wait his turn. If he couldn't wait his turn and I saw him do it again, he would go in time out. He started kicking off because I'd removed him from the slide and was losing the plot - he ended up lashing out at me.

Whether or not anyone agrees with time out or not it sounds like she gently explained as you said you would have done. Maybe she threatened a punishment quicker than you would have but all in all sounds fairly similar.

I think whether timeout is what you do or don't do, interferring in that way is disgraceful and I would be livid if someone suggested I was abusive to my children for disciplining them.

Roary1 · 10/06/2013 13:24

if my son pushed another kid out the way I would be proud of him-shows he is not afraid to push others to one side to get what he wants

cory · 10/06/2013 13:24

Quint, did you read the OP. The OP did explain to him that pushing was not ok; it was only when he responded by lashing out at her that she took him to the bench. We have no reason at all to believe that she did it violently or in a way calculated to frighten a young child. It is a possible for a calm and loving parent to remove a tantrumming child in a non-abusive way.

I have done exactly what the OP did: explained that pushing was not ok and then tailored my next action to the response of the child.

If dd had responded by lashing out I would have taken that as a reliable sign that she did not intend to take notice of my non-pushing explanation: I would have seen this as a bad, bad time to let her back on the slide as experience would have shown that the next unfortunate toddler in her path would probably have got it in the neck.

Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 13:25

Yes exactly QuintessentialOldDear it escalated because of the parent. I doubt he would've even hit you if you'd not been OTT in the first place. You see the 'confrontational' parenting all the time and it always results in far greater problems than it was intially trying to resolve.

Miaow, some people are not brainwashed by TV programmes advice on bringing up children, we think for ourselves- I know, novel isn't it?

Goldenbear · 10/06/2013 13:29

Roary, that is a bizarre comment.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 13:30

What are you ON Goldenbear because I'd like some of it, so the OPs child hit her because she took him aside to explain that he shouldn't push in, Ffs

Roary1 · 10/06/2013 13:31

I would rather my son does the pushing than the victim who gets shoved out the way. Also I don't understand why a mum would intervene-surely children should learn to sort things out between themselves.

cory · 10/06/2013 13:31

Ds being a gentle soul always used to be at the receiving end of the pushing, hitting and biting of more enterprising toddlers and older children. To me (and to him when he got a bit older) it made a big difference how the other parents responded to behaviour. If the child was stopped immediately, it made him feel safe. A parent who kept gently explaining but seemed unable to stop it made him feel very exposed.

Having one child of either kind, pusher and pushee, I always felt I had responsibilities both ways: to make dd feel safe and loved, but also to make a child like ds (even if it was somebody else's child) feel safe in the presence of a child like dd.

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 13:31

I'm a violent thug Quint?! I did exactly as you suggested - took him quietly to one side and was kneels down at his level and gently and quietly explaining he wasn't to push as it wasn't nice. That was when he got angry, because I had gently removed him from the slide. I didn't raise my voice to him or to the other woman. So yes, violent and aggressive thug sounds like a perfect description of me!

I won't accept violent behaviour from my children, I won't accept violent behaviour towards them either. For pushing/hitting, they get one warning and then a time out. For other things if have probably given another warning or just taken them home.

OP posts:
MiaowTheCat · 10/06/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 13:34

I don't think it's acceptable to watch your child hurt someone and not teach them it's unacceptable so of course you intervene at 3 years old! And if it was my son being pushed over, I'd expect the parent of the other child to do the same.

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 10/06/2013 13:34

I did read the op. Does not mean I have to agree with all of you, in terms of how op comes across.

The op had her back to her sobbing child in a soft play center, ignoring him, for several minutes. I think that is pretty harsh.

I think removing child here and there, first away from the child, and then further away from play is quite aggressive. And I think losing the temper at first the woman who picked up your child, and then your outbursts to her partner who came to apologize speaks for itself.

Op was not calm, and should behave herself with others, and maybe if she leads by example, her child will follow.

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 13:37

Not several minutes - 30 seconds.

I did not raise my voice in either circumstance. I struggle to see your POV on how removing my child from a slide is "aggressive"!

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 10/06/2013 13:39

I guess we just have to agree to disagree.

But, none of us was there. And your behavior clearly got the attention of people, who were pretty appalled at how you handled it.

shallweshop · 10/06/2013 13:39

Roary - proud?? And how the hell are kids supposed to sort it out amongst themselves if no adult ever explains to them what is right and what is wrong?

OP - the woman was completely out of order and I would have been extremely angry too at a stranger cuddling my child. I certainly don't think the way you disciplined your child was wrong and it sounds like the time out was more for him lashing out at you rather than the pushing incident.

NeverQuiteSure · 10/06/2013 13:41

Brilliant post Miaow

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 10/06/2013 13:42

Oh dear Quint, I hope you never come across a bona fide Thug as if that is where you set the bar you are in for one hell of a shock!

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2013 13:42

MiaowTheCat
Well said.

And some of you (on both sides of the fence) need to get a grip.

Really.

cory · 10/06/2013 13:43

QuintessentialOldDear Mon 10-Jun-13 13:34:36

"I think removing child here and there, first away from the child, and then further away from play is quite aggressive. "

If yours was the child who got pushed, don't you think you might see leaving the pushing child next to them as quite aggressive? Remember that for another toddler being pushed over by a bigger toddler can be at least as scary as being calmly taken to one side by a loving parent.

As I said, I've had one of each. And when I saw how helpless ds was in the face of more sturdy children, I was glad that I had been firm (but loving) with dd.

Roary1 · 10/06/2013 13:43

actually shallweshop, psychological studies have found a child understands concepts of "fair" and "unfair" at 12 months

Original poster
Sianilaa · 10/06/2013 13:44

One parent out of what, the hundred or so that were in the softplay?

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 10/06/2013 13:45

roary - that is an awful comment. I cannot keep track of the number of parents that are happy to sit there watching their children push and shove their way to getting whatever they want at soft play. It is not letting them get on with it, it is teaching them it is ok to do whatever they please to get what they want.

When my 18 MO was bitten very badly at soft play by a 3 YO should my 18mo have bebe able to sort it out himself, that is basically what you are saying. He was just sat there playing with a toy and the older child snatched it off him and then promptly bit him. I had to prize him off my child's arm.

The parent did make the child sit out for a few minutes and apologised to me, she did say that they have trouble with him biting for no reason every time they are at soft play but she was not actually watching him at all knowing that this was a problem with him.