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to feel upset that the guy I met for a drink turns out to have been charged for grooming a 13 year old girl?

158 replies

drfayray · 09/06/2013 05:56

He was found not guilty. Linguistics saved him...will explain more.

I have been internet dating and have been meeting quite a few men recently. I am a great believer in meeting as soon as possible. I also wait to be contacted. This one person D seemed interesting (is an actor -small roles) and was quite amusing. He told me that he rarely meets women in real life but suggested meeting me. So I go to a bar that I know well in a suburb (am in Brisbane) that I frequent so I feel safe. He turns up and we talk. He is a bit of a luvvie about his acting. He talks about himself and does not even ask me anything about myself. Now this may sound arrogant and I am sorry if it does but he does not make any remarks about my looks. All the men, without fail, have complimented me on my looks. I do not look my age as am 51 but can pass for late 30s. He also did not fancy me...I felt that quite strongly. I can usually tell too.

There is something about him that irks me...I cannot put my finger on it. Anyway, after an hour we leave with him saying 'I will call you!" Yeah sure bud...

Then I google him. I don't know why I did this..I have never googled any of the guys I have met. Usually...they might want a second meeting and I don't. Then that is it. I chuck 'em out of my mind. But this D...

I find his roles in tv and plays. I find a lot of pix of him. Then I find that in 2007 he was found not guilty of grooming a 13 year old girl The so-called girl was actually a policeman. The things that D wrote were awful...things like 'do you have pubic hair yet? or boobs? I like small boobs...and give the 'girl tips on how to masturbate, saying he shouldn't be telling her this but he is so horny....

His defense was that he was role playing and never believed that the girl was a teenage girl. The use of words like spaz and veg and spare (for wagging school) were used to show that the girl was not a girl as no self-respecting teen would use such words. The jury took 6 hours to find him not-guilty.

I feel ill. And I do not understand why he wanted to meet me as he made a point of saying how he was so busy with his acting and his 4 children - he has them one week on one week off - that he rarely met women from the site. He also said that his ex gave him a lot of trouble and the marriage broke down because of her...well it actually fell in with his case...

One of the strange things is that I actually googled him....I don't know what made me do it? My instincts? I do try to listen to them.

This has really shocked me.

OP posts:

ITCouldBeWorse · 09/06/2013 06:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MammaTJ · 09/06/2013 06:40

I'm not surprised it has shocked you, it would have shocked me too.

At least you won't be seeing him again.


Tee2072 · 09/06/2013 07:41

Of course you're shocked, it's shocking.

Put him out of your mind as well.


RedHelenB · 09/06/2013 08:17

I think you googled him because you were irked that this actor didn't fancy you if you're totally honest with yourself.


pigletmania · 09/06/2013 08:21

My goodness you have had a narrow escape.


Hissy · 09/06/2013 08:25

Instincts are there for a reason! Well done for listening!


wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 08:27

I know exactly how you feel because similar happened to me. Only I hadnt met him yet because my alarm bells were going off and I couldnt figure out why.

Its an eery feeling. Hard to describe. But well done for figuring out what an arse he is. Maybe you should google the guys in future!


ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 09/06/2013 08:29

Yanbu foe feeling shocked at this discovery.
But I could have done without the graphic descriptions of everyrhing he said, thanks.
I also get the feeling your ire was raised because he didn't express admiration for your looks.


NewAtThisMalarky · 09/06/2013 08:31


But I'm curious. Did you fancy him, or compliment him on his looks?


AlbertaCampion · 09/06/2013 08:40

YABU for not seeing him again because of the cherry-picked news coverage of a trial at which he was ultimately found to be innocent.

YADNBU for not seeing him again because of a hunch that something about him isn't quite right.


iamadoozermum · 09/06/2013 08:51

I think googling potential dates is fairly sensible, of course it doesn't pick up everything but it is a useful precaution. The linguistics thing is fairly well documented. A number of studies have shown that people can tell the age of someone they are chatting with online, even when that person is pretending to be a different age and has been successfully used as a defence in online grooming sting cases in a number of cases now.


Fakebook · 09/06/2013 09:22

Why are you upset? Confused. I'd be flipping glad and happy I found out this kind of information about someone before getting into a relationship with them. Your reaction is weird.

Also, I think we need proof about your looks before you start passing yourself off as a 30 year old. I can normally tell a persons age quite well.


ITCouldBeWorse · 09/06/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutTheShuckUp · 09/06/2013 10:12

You seem obsessed with your looks OP. You look great for your age I agree but your array of photos and comments on them are a bit weird, as are your comments about this guy not commenting on your looks.


ecclesvet · 09/06/2013 10:28

Perhaps he didn't compliment you on your looks because you don't look young enough for his tastes [vom].


RhondaJean · 09/06/2013 10:34

I think you should be congratulating yourself for having excellent instincts and making sure you listen to them in the future.


TheBigJessie · 09/06/2013 10:39

What's with all the snideness, because the OP can look at herself objectively in a mirror?

You got a signal, and I expect the way he reacted to you, in comparison to the way most other men do, was a big part of that, at least consciously. It meant you could intellectually see he stood out, as opposed to a vague, easily dismiss-able feeling.


FutTheShuckUp · 09/06/2013 10:52

I can too, doesn't mean my looks are all I think about or I over think about them.


GirlWiththeLionHeart · 09/06/2013 11:34

You look around 42


Wossname · 09/06/2013 11:39

Maybe he tries to meet women who have children?


RhondaJean · 09/06/2013 11:44

Woss that made a chill go up my back.


WhereYouLeftIt · 09/06/2013 11:46

YANBU to feel upset. I would be too.

Your instincts told you this man was 'off'. And you've now found out exactly what makes him so. I wonder if you are upset because you can't see why he would want to meet a grown woman, since you would not really be to his 'taste' . What is there about you that would pique his interest? My guess of what it could be is upsetting Sad.

Hate to say it DrFay because I am extremely jealous Grin but from your pictures you could indeed pass for far younger than your years. And now the less pleasant possibility related to your looks Sad - is it possible he looked at your pic on the dating site and thought you might have a daughter young enough that he could groom? Could this be the source of your upset, that you have unconsciously clocked that since he was not interested in you for yourself, his interest must therefore be something to do with furthering his real interest? He was looking for a vulnerable single mother (thank god he didn't find one in you) - the sense of someone looking at me as a possible accomplice/dupe would leave me very upset Sad.


Leverette · 09/06/2013 11:46

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drfayray · 09/06/2013 13:02

I do have a good opinion of how I look, yes. It has taken me time to get here because my ex told me I was ugly and that no one would want to be with me. I know that is not true but it took me time and working on myself to get here. Those pix are there in line with a post to do with my marriage breakup and also because some asked to see my pix. If you find them weird, so be it.

Why do we have to be coy if we are attractive? I like how I look very much.
There seems to be this thing where we have to downplay any assets. Fuck that. I am beautiful, extremely clever (5 degrees and postgrad qualifications), confident and a good friend.

EVERY single man I have met has commented on my looks and style. Except for D. But I didn't google him because of that.

I have a 15 year old daughter and who knows..maybe that made me feel odd too..

I didn't fancy him when I met him. I just thought he was interesting in what he wrote. I try to give people a chance and meet them because it is difficult to assess people just online.

OP posts:

Wossname · 09/06/2013 13:10

Sorry Rhonda, just thought it would explain why he chose to meet op yet showed absolutely no interest in her at all. Think have read a few similar things over the years, about predatory men targeting single mothers in order to gain access to their children- internet dating ideal for this type of man. Rare, obviously. Op maybe wasnt giving off the correct 'malleable' vibes.

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