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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel upset that the guy I met for a drink turns out to have been charged for grooming a 13 year old girl?

158 replies

drfayray · 09/06/2013 05:56

He was found not guilty. Linguistics saved him...will explain more.

I have been internet dating and have been meeting quite a few men recently. I am a great believer in meeting as soon as possible. I also wait to be contacted. This one person D seemed interesting (is an actor -small roles) and was quite amusing. He told me that he rarely meets women in real life but suggested meeting me. So I go to a bar that I know well in a suburb (am in Brisbane) that I frequent so I feel safe. He turns up and we talk. He is a bit of a luvvie about his acting. He talks about himself and does not even ask me anything about myself. Now this may sound arrogant and I am sorry if it does but he does not make any remarks about my looks. All the men, without fail, have complimented me on my looks. I do not look my age as am 51 but can pass for late 30s. He also did not fancy me...I felt that quite strongly. I can usually tell too.

There is something about him that irks me...I cannot put my finger on it. Anyway, after an hour we leave with him saying 'I will call you!" Yeah sure bud...

Then I google him. I don't know why I did this..I have never googled any of the guys I have met. Usually...they might want a second meeting and I don't. Then that is it. I chuck 'em out of my mind. But this D...

I find his roles in tv and plays. I find a lot of pix of him. Then I find that in 2007 he was found not guilty of grooming a 13 year old girl The so-called girl was actually a policeman. The things that D wrote were awful...things like 'do you have pubic hair yet? or boobs? I like small boobs...and give the 'girl tips on how to masturbate, saying he shouldn't be telling her this but he is so horny....

His defense was that he was role playing and never believed that the girl was a teenage girl. The use of words like spaz and veg and spare (for wagging school) were used to show that the girl was not a girl as no self-respecting teen would use such words. The jury took 6 hours to find him not-guilty.

I feel ill. And I do not understand why he wanted to meet me as he made a point of saying how he was so busy with his acting and his 4 children - he has them one week on one week off - that he rarely met women from the site. He also said that his ex gave him a lot of trouble and the marriage broke down because of her...well it actually fell in with his case...

One of the strange things is that I actually googled him....I don't know what made me do it? My instincts? I do try to listen to them.

This has really shocked me.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 09/06/2013 13:14

Just a point, this man was found "NOT GUILTY"!! YANBU to find him strange, weird or just not like him, but being charged with something does not mean that they are guilty and in this case he was actively found NOT guilty.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 09/06/2013 13:21

Not guilty on a technicality.

He still was online chatting to "13 year old girls" (whether he believed it or not) asking them about small boobs and pubic hair.

Original poster

drfayray · 09/06/2013 13:29

Yes, that is what bothered me. All very well to say that he knew it wasn't a 13 year old but he was still chatting to the person as though they were one.

I have also heard about men chatting to single mothers in the hope of getting to their daughters.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 09/06/2013 13:33

how awful :( yes always listen to your instincts

he asked the person he thought he was messaging do you have pubic hair yet?

many people have not been found guilty in court it does not mean they did not commit any crime

velvetspoon · 09/06/2013 13:34

I suspect Wossname is spot on. I wouldn't be at all surprised if certain predatory men do seek out women with children of a certain age via dating sites.

I know a woman who used to have photos of her teen DD (wearing makeup etc but still fairly obviously early teens) on her dating profile. It did worry me as to the sort of men she might attract.

Kiriwawa · 09/06/2013 13:48

Why on earth did your friend have photos of her daughter on her dating profile velvetspoon?

I don't blame you for being freaked out drfay - I've met some odd people through internet dating but no one that creepy (thankfully)

velvetspoon · 09/06/2013 13:59

Kiriwawa, She's not a friend, more friend of a friend. Tbh, I've seen quite a few people with the odd photo of them and their DC on their profiles, I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't think badly of them. This seemed worse because there were some just of her DD, all made up, it felt wrong.

justmuddlingalong · 09/06/2013 14:07

I'm a bit confused by your profile. The 1st bit says you have no children, the 2nd bit says you have 2 DS and one of your posts says you have a DD.

Kiriwawa · 09/06/2013 14:08

I didn't mean to imply you had dodgy taste in friends :o

I am about the least paranoid person you could meet when it comes to my DC and photos of them online but having photos of them in your online dating profile seems a bit odd to me.

facedontfit · 09/06/2013 14:55

drfayray have just been nosey looked at your photos, you are stunning! Good luck in finding a decent man.

Original poster

drfayray · 09/06/2013 14:57

Yeah..I know re: my profile. I don't know why it says I have no DC when I do! I tried to change it but it won't let me! But I have one DD15 and a DS17. The DS15 was a typo.

That is strange indeed to put up pix of one's teen DD....

I tend not to talk about my kids except in a rather general way..ages and grades at school. Nothing else at the early stages.

I have actually been on two dates now with another man. And have hidden my profile on that site. This one seems lovely (but sigh..who can tell? Early days still) and we are seeing each other again. Two years younger, handsome, tall, clever and funny. With excellent manners too...fingers crossed.

And bonus...he did not send me pix of his bits! I have received so many it is not funny ....

OP posts:

Original poster

drfayray · 09/06/2013 14:58

Thanks facedontfit. I need all the luck I can get!!

OP posts:

QOD · 09/06/2013 15:01

Now take a photo with a smile!! You have an un aged straight face and amazing skin! Wow I wish I'd looked that young at 30.... You remind me a bit of Denise on Eastenders, could be 30 could be 50, amazing

slapandpickle · 09/06/2013 16:59

Yanbu to find it chilling. I do. The have you got hair thing is exactly what a creepy man said to me once when I was playing out with my young cousin - I was 10, she was 7. He tried to get us to go for a ride in his car with him

DoctorAnge · 09/06/2013 21:33

You are indeed very pretty OP - i love it when Women are confident in themselves - and you had a lucky escape from this loser.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/06/2013 21:41

YANBU to feel disturbed or shocked. Of course anyone would be. But he's been found not guilty and you need to not give him another thought. I imagine that internet dating will bring women into contact with varying degrees of creeps, as in conventional dating. With the advent of Google and the internet, I would definitely Google before meeting. Why not?

As an aside, you seem very pre-occupied by your looks, DrFay. You seemed quite perplexed that he hadn't commented on yours. Why is this? If it had turned out that he was just a normal bloke with no questionable, Googleable history, would you still have been annoyed about this perceived slight on your attractiveness? It seems an odd thinf to get worked up over. You could argue that a lot of men might not comment on looks for worry of being accused of focussing on looks rathr than personality.

Pagwatch · 09/06/2013 21:49

To be honest I dislike the tone of this thread for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.
I am 51. I am not sure why age vs appearance is a matter relevant to the fact that a guy unsettled you.
I am particularly bothered by the idea that a man will be suspicious simply by virtue of not fancying any particular woman - my DH thinks Angelina Jolie looks 'weird'

I am particularly bothered at the idea that we can intuitively spot someone with an interest in children. Because its bollocks.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/06/2013 21:54

I am with Pagz.

He unsettled you. You acted on that and Googled and found some dodgy goings-on. The fact that he didn't fancy you is neither here nor there.

BOF · 09/06/2013 22:08

You sound more pissed off that he wasn't dry-humping you than him being a paedophile. What's that all about?

BOF · 09/06/2013 22:15

I felt curiously sexy and powerful posting that.

Salmotrutta · 09/06/2013 22:19

You don't seem to have self-esteem issues anyway OP.

I'll give you that.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 09/06/2013 22:39

Boffy

Salmotrutta · 09/06/2013 22:43

I think you only googled him because he didnt seem to fancy you, didnt compliment you and went on about his job.

So out of nosiness, and possibly pique, you decided to check him out.

Sh1ney · 09/06/2013 22:45

Blimey. You don't seem to suffer with low self esteem do you? I enjoyed your MN profile : ) very err ... Powerful

Sh1ney · 09/06/2013 22:46

But QOD - wasn't Denise welch in coronation street?

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