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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset that the guy I met for a drink turns out to have been charged for grooming a 13 year old girl?

158 replies

drfayray · 09/06/2013 05:56

He was found not guilty. Linguistics saved him...will explain more.

I have been internet dating and have been meeting quite a few men recently. I am a great believer in meeting as soon as possible. I also wait to be contacted. This one person D seemed interesting (is an actor -small roles) and was quite amusing. He told me that he rarely meets women in real life but suggested meeting me. So I go to a bar that I know well in a suburb (am in Brisbane) that I frequent so I feel safe. He turns up and we talk. He is a bit of a luvvie about his acting. He talks about himself and does not even ask me anything about myself. Now this may sound arrogant and I am sorry if it does but he does not make any remarks about my looks. All the men, without fail, have complimented me on my looks. I do not look my age as am 51 but can pass for late 30s. He also did not fancy me...I felt that quite strongly. I can usually tell too.

There is something about him that irks me...I cannot put my finger on it. Anyway, after an hour we leave with him saying 'I will call you!" Yeah sure bud...

Then I google him. I don't know why I did this..I have never googled any of the guys I have met. Usually...they might want a second meeting and I don't. Then that is it. I chuck 'em out of my mind. But this D...

I find his roles in tv and plays. I find a lot of pix of him. Then I find that in 2007 he was found not guilty of grooming a 13 year old girl The so-called girl was actually a policeman. The things that D wrote were awful...things like 'do you have pubic hair yet? or boobs? I like small boobs...and give the 'girl tips on how to masturbate, saying he shouldn't be telling her this but he is so horny....

His defense was that he was role playing and never believed that the girl was a teenage girl. The use of words like spaz and veg and spare (for wagging school) were used to show that the girl was not a girl as no self-respecting teen would use such words. The jury took 6 hours to find him not-guilty.

I feel ill. And I do not understand why he wanted to meet me as he made a point of saying how he was so busy with his acting and his 4 children - he has them one week on one week off - that he rarely met women from the site. He also said that his ex gave him a lot of trouble and the marriage broke down because of her...well it actually fell in with his case...

One of the strange things is that I actually googled him....I don't know what made me do it? My instincts? I do try to listen to them.

This has really shocked me.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 10/06/2013 00:15

The OP's profile shows that she has made a significant change in her looks over the last couple of years. She should be able to feel happy in her own skin, we all should. I'm surmising that she hasn't for a long time and now she does. As far as this situation goes - well she isn't seeing him again. In what other way does she need to react to the situation?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:15

Yeah but, most of us would be saying "He was odd, he unnerved me, so I Googled him and found some stuff..." I would never think that a man deserved Googling/suspicion just because he hadn't mentioned my looks because he has broken the law by not fancying me.

It's not the law that all men will fancy a woman. If a man posted on here "Well I took a woman on a date and she didn't comment on my looks. ALL women comment on my looks" you'd all be Hmm, I bet.

FlyingFig · 10/06/2013 00:24

I'd be freaked out if I'd been on a date with a potential perve. However the suggestion that he didn't compliment the OP on her looks nor fancy her, was in some way a reason to why her peedo alarm went a'clanging, seems random to me.

OP I'm glad you won't be going on a second date with this creep, chalk it up as a lucky escape!

Northernlurker · 10/06/2013 00:24

The OP didn't say she googled him because him was guilty of criminal non-fancying. She said in her op that she didn't know why she'd googled him AND she could tell he didn't fancy her.
I think she's getting a bit of a roasting when all that's happened is that she had the misfortune to have a blind date with Mr Sinister.

AmbrosiaCreamedMice · 10/06/2013 00:26

AIBU? You have to ask?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:29

No but I think that what set her alarm bells ringing was that he didn't comment on her looks.

I can't put my finger on why I find that bizarre but I do.

In this case, she was proven right. He was probably a sleazeball.

BOF · 10/06/2013 00:29

Slightly changing the thread direction, I once (well, a few times) shagged went out with a guy that after I'd decided wasn't for me, I saw on the front page of the papers because he had been jailed indefinitely as a danger to women. That freaked me the fuck out, I can tell you. He did fancy me, but I can't say that made me feel any better.

BOF · 10/06/2013 00:31

That's some scaryshit right there Shock.

Bakingnovice · 10/06/2013 00:37

Yanbu at all with regard to what your google search revealed. That would creep me out.

But yabu to feel something is wrong because he didn't comment on your looks.

FlyingFig · 10/06/2013 00:38

Well changing the thread direction even further, I remember a man called Peter that helped out at our local youth club, I must have only been about 8 or 9 at the time. He made my skin crawl, always seemed to seek me out, wanting to hold my hand, stand near to me, grilling me (as I saw it) with questions. I remember not even wanting to look in his direction as I felt so uncomfortable in his company. Not sure why, I just did.

Maybe Peter was just a friendly chap, but I have such vivid memories of wanting him to Stay.The.Fuck.Away from me. I then feel guily in case he was just a really friendly chap. Not sure if it was instinct, god only knows.

FlyingFig · 10/06/2013 00:39

Sorry for random post, never, ever shared that.

BOF · 10/06/2013 00:40

You ok?

hopkinette · 10/06/2013 00:40

*No but I think that what set her alarm bells ringing was that he didn't comment on her looks.

I can't put my finger on why I find that bizarre but I do.*

I assumed that his failure to comment on how attractive she is made her suspect that he was gay, and that's what she was googling him for (she said he's an actor so maybe if he was very slightly famous there'd be gossip about his sexuality on the internet)? Maybe not though.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:42

I think that most of us do have a "sense" or at least an initial gut reaction when we meet people. Sometimes, we don't act on our gut instinct because then that person has already started becoming a person to us i.e making small-talk, offering details about their lives, so we inadvertenty bury that initial instinct.

I am talking crappola but I know what I mean.

BOF · 10/06/2013 00:45

Somebody tell me they read my link and went ShockShockShock

Original poster
drfayray · 10/06/2013 00:45
Grin Feel honoured that some of the notorious vipers have let loose here! The atrocious cunts no less!

Yeah those pix are random aren't they! I get ribbed a lot for them by friends and my children. Selfies you see. Tits tend not to fall by the side as I wear a vair good bra.
I would do anything for a dry hump! Not had nowt for ages - I think my vagine has sealed up Sad

Am fixated by looks - true. But I am working on it. Rather difficult sometimes with beastly ex's words in my head - you are ugly, have no self-esteem and who would want you?

It was not just because he didn't comment on me that unsettled me - something else...

Brisbane is not my hometown. Originally from Singapore. Lived a long time in Sheffield.
No sea nor promenade in Brisvegas but we have a river wending its way through. Have seen dolphins in it though.

I am not a frequent poster so the fact that some of you remember my posts tells me the rumours of the spreadsheeting is TRUE!

Thanks to those who posted.

OP posts:
MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:46

Flying, it is surprising how many of us have tales of creeps from childhood. Both DH and I do. My BF does. My mum does. It is frightening how common these degenerates are. Hope you're OK?

Hopkinette, you could be right.

FlyingFig · 10/06/2013 00:46

Not crappola, not at all.

However I've been guilty of thinking people are epic knobbers at first meeting, then growing to like them.

Confusing!

BOF · 10/06/2013 00:47

Nah, bloody good for you, love. Believe me, there is NOTHING you can't tell me about abusive twatty Scottish exes that make you feel shit Grin.

xylem8 · 10/06/2013 00:49

so he was found not guilty but you still assume he is.do you think that is fair ?

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:51

Grin at faywray poking fun at self. Grin Wine

FlyingFig, I have done this too. Thought "cunt" at first meeting, then they've won me over, then it turns out that they've got form/ended up doing something bad.

It's so hard isn't it, this gut instinct thing? You think "Is it me, being a sourfaced twat?" but I really think there is something in it. If only there was some kind of method which could make you more susceptible to your initial instincts?

FlyingFig · 10/06/2013 00:53

I've never, ever taken a selfie of myself. Well once, if I'm honest, wearing a pair of 3D glasses with the lenses taken out. I thought I looked 'edgy' at the time (best part of a bottle of wine down).

Jeez, in the cold and sober light of day I looked like a hybrid of Roy Orbison/Alan Carr/Dame Edna. It was one of those 'You have 20 noifications on your profile picture' that caused untold panic and adrenalin fear the next morning moments Grin

Original poster
drfayray · 10/06/2013 00:56

I don't assume that he is guilty as he was found not to be. I believe in the justice system. But it was rather unsettling.
Doesn't matter as am not seeing him ever again.
BOF I went Shock at that link.

Yeah, so many of us have these experiences like that. I have as well .. Sunday school teacher in my case. Never told anyone either.

My ex was a scrotish twattish ex of the highest order. As so many are unfortunately.

OP posts:
BOF · 10/06/2013 00:58

I've PMed you, by the way, drfayray.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 10/06/2013 00:59

Fay, would you be willing to link us to the news story? I reckon it would be easy to work out if he got off on a technicality.

Jeez,I keep reading "scrotish twat ex" as "scottish twat ex" and then start shitting myself incase scottishmummy is summoned, like the Candyman...

I took one selfie once. I look a bell end on it.

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