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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What do you think would be better for this toddler? Sah or nursery

180 replies

Orangesandpeas · 08/06/2013 09:21

Do you think it is better for a nearly 2 year old boy to:

a) either go to an average standard nursery (minimum of 3 long days a week)

b) or to stay at home with mum (everyday) who takes him to various toddler group/activities 3-4 times a week and also has him watch tv for up 2-3 hours max a day (No other interactions with other children or adults apart from the toddler groups)

OP posts:
PenelopeLane · 10/06/2013 11:15

I tend to agree with catgirl as my DS - 20 months - is thriving going to nursery three days a week, for all the reasons she's stated. He loves his carer and has a real bond with her, and is very very happy there. He's also very happy to entertain himself the 4 days he's at home, and it really does feel like the best of both worlds. I appreciate that's not the same for everyone, but it is for us.

I'm also puzzled that so many people think that 2 -3 hours of TV is somehow better than all the benefits of being in a nursery, when it's a good nursery like my son's. A bad nursery, sure, but not a good one where the children are happy, bonded with their primary carers, and learn a variety of things there that they can't learn at home.

stepawayfromthescreen · 10/06/2013 12:55

I'm confused with all this talk of 'benefits of a nursery' referring to 'activities' 'socialising' etc.
Babies and toddlers don't need to socialise or do set activities. They just need to be cared for by someone who loves them, and mpreferably their Mother or Father. I've used nurseries and have friends who use them. They're not doing it for 'socialising' or 'activities' they're doing it so they've got somewhere to drop baby whilst they keep the roof over their head. It's fine to work and use a nursery, but please don't pretend it's as good for kids as being at home because that's just not true. Unless its a shit shit home with disinterested parents.

miffybun73 · 10/06/2013 12:57

Definitely home if you have a choice.

catgirl1976 · 10/06/2013 13:19

stepaway the benefits are pretty clear to me

DS has fun. DS gets lots off attention. DS enjoys it. DS has variety to his week. DS has access to other children, which he enjoys. DS has access to different play equipment / toys. In short he loves it and he gets a lot out of it.

As I say, I don't need him to go to nursery while I work, I choose for him to go because I can see the benefits he gets and I think it is good for him.

I wouldn't choose to have him there 5 days a week (but would do so if I needed too) as I think the variety in his week is one of the key things he benefits from. The OP is in a very similar position as she is considering PT nursery rather than FT.

DS certainly gets more out of three hours at nursery three hours in front of the TV.

CPtart · 10/06/2013 13:58

Both my DS went to nursery part time from several months old with no problems whatsoever. And off to school without a backward glance.
You could certainly identify the DC that had been kept at home, crying and running away round the yard protesting day after day. One of those DC is now 10 and still won't do sleepovers!

NaturalBaby · 10/06/2013 14:04

I think you would know deep down where your DS would be happiest. I have 2 very different boys - 1 was happy to be at home till he started nursery at 3yrs old, the next was desperate to get out and about and skip off to nursery at 2yrs old without a backward glance! DS3 is more than happy pottering about the house while I get on with jobs, but the big difference is that I can get on with a lot of jobs while he's at home.

stepawayfromthescreen · 10/06/2013 15:23

Catgirl, that's great. But I'm guessing 99% of parents spend anything from £40-60 per day on nursery fees because they have to, so they can go and do a days work.
Not many people would fork out large sums of money for daycare if there was a parent at home available.

jellybeans · 10/06/2013 15:34

'You could certainly identify the DC that had been kept at home, crying and running away round the yard protesting day after day. One of those DC is now 10 and still won't do sleepovers'

None of mine were like that and I SAH.

catgirl1976 · 10/06/2013 15:39

Sure step - I do appreciate that, but the OP is in exactly that situation by the sounds of it.

A good nursery can be great for a child and they can and do benefit.

Of course the quality of the nursery and the personality of the child are really key.

I think naturalbaby demonstrates pretty well that not every child will thrive best in nursery whereas some will. Only the OP will know where her child will be happiest.

I just think insisting that "home is always best" is a little short sighted. It might be best for your child, but other children (like mine) might get a lot out of nursery.

Goldmandra · 10/06/2013 16:45

so DS gets a full day dedicated to him

Unless your DS's nursery has amazing ratios I very much doubt that he gets a whole day devoted to him.

I've worked in a variety of Early Years settings and I can categorically state that the one to one time available to children is well below what I was able to devote to my own child when I was a SAHM mum.

I've read a lot of research about how children learn best and being with an adult who can respond immediately and with a great deal of flexibility to the child's interests while sharing the experience through exploring, thinking and talking together is absolutely the best environment. Those experiences are just as valuable if they are related to housework, cooking, shopping and gardening , if not more so as they offer more variety.

If the OP can offer this sort of provision to her child why on earth would she send him to someone else who is restricted as to where they can go and is trying to provide the same tailored experiences to two or three other children in their care at the same time?

When the home environment is less than ideal, good Early Years care can improve outcomes for children dramatically. If the mother would find being at home with the toddler crashingly boring and frustrating clearly the child would be better off in really good Early Years provision with enthusiastic and highly qualified staff. Home isn't always better.

However, there is no activity named in this thread which couldn't be offered by a SAHM. Nursery staff have housekeeping duties and other children to care just like SAHMs have to do housework and answer the phone.

Nursery staff can't often decide to pop round to the post office on the spur of the moment because a child is suddenly interested in posting a letter. They have to plan trips out, take other children who may have been engaged in something else entirely, complete risk assessments, etc so they have role play post offices instead.

The OP sounds like a mum who offers lots of one to one attention to her son while giving him lots of opportunities for socialising with his peers. That sounds like the best of both worlds to me.

farewellfarewell · 10/06/2013 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Francagoestohollywood · 10/06/2013 16:49

3 days a week? Nursery.
And 2 yrs old DO socialise and interact. Of course they do it in a different way than a 5 yr old.

Francagoestohollywood · 10/06/2013 16:52

I did pay to send my dc to nursery while I wasn't in FT job. Best money ever spent, for the whole family.

CPtart · 10/06/2013 17:04

Jelly -I'm not suggesting separation anxiety and school refusal are the end result for all SAH children, but for some of a certain disposition, prolonged periods at home with mum may increase the likelihood of such issues.
Just an observation with DS peers, and my own nephew now I think about it.

farewellfarewell · 10/06/2013 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Francagoestohollywood · 10/06/2013 17:23

You'll be surprised to know that anglo saxon child development theories aren't gospel everywhere else.

PaperSeagull · 10/06/2013 17:45

Either option sounds fine to me. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't understand why some people would say that home is definitely better or nursery is definitely better. They are different environments and both sound perfectly fine to me (though I would certainly cut down on the TV watching, 2-3 hours a day for a child not yet 2 is far too much).

Goldmandra · 10/06/2013 17:47

for some of a certain disposition, prolonged periods at home with mum may increase the likelihood of such issues.

Attachment theory would suggest the opposite.

Smartiepants79 · 10/06/2013 17:51

Socialising is good for children of all ages but can be done without going to nursery. Toddlers don't need a constant 8 hours of stimulating activity. Their brains would explode. They need down time and rest and a little bit of boredom. All of which they get at nursery.
I have no issues with nurseries, especially part time I think it can be a real positive. But they don't really provide anything that a SAHM can't.
If nursery work for you. Gives you and your child some change, rest and variety then go for it. Make the most of your days at home and at work.

LadyInDisguise · 10/06/2013 18:00

Actually in that case, I would say nursery because the mum says she needs to use the TV to cope with the stress of being at home with the child.
It's the word stress that makes me think that it would be better to have the child at nursery for 3 days and then have 2 child centred days with mum.

LadyInDisguise · 10/06/2013 18:04

Btw, 1 hour of TV in the morning when you get ready and then 1 hour in the evening to 'wind down' isn't a problem at all!

And no children gets a speech and language problem from not being talked enough, unless it is not being talked to at all.

UniqueAndAmazing · 11/06/2013 13:06

but i get stressed at being a full time mum.
not because i'm SAH, but because i can't get out of the building.
if i was SAH, we would have all that freedom to go places and do things, without me always having to be "on duty"

there are plenty of playgroups for interaction, some of which are free, some cost £1 or so a time, and there are loads of other kids, loads of other toys and loads of other adults to talk to, to stop you getting stressed at being at home on your own.

This morning, annoying, whinging, scratching, crying baby was not letting me sleep, so i put the telly on (this was 6 o'clock!) and listened to it while we both got over the worst of it.
TV is not a bad thing.
TV all the time is bad, not just for kids, but for adults too.

catsrus · 11/06/2013 13:16

I had 3 dcs who went to nursery from 18 months - 2 yrs, starting part time and going up to full time within a year. It was totally the right thing for the middle child (who begged to go and is totally pro-social) OK for the eldest (who settled quickly after initial tears) but, in retrospect, not right for the youngest at all and part of me wishes I'd kept that dc at home until school. OTOH by the time no-3 went to nursery I was retraining in my career, got back into the job market when they were all at school and can now support us post divorce.

It's a complex mix of child's needs, parent's needs and financial practicality. Sometimes the solution is the best one you can manage in the circumstances you have.

tungthai · 11/06/2013 14:28

The toddler will be happy with either situation. I think you need to put your needs first in this situation.

LondonJax · 11/06/2013 15:19

When DS was two and a half we got him into pre school for three half days a week, gradually increasing to four half days - I'd have done five but the waiting list was ridiculous! He had a great time there, never had a tantrum or cry because he didn't want to go and have never had tears since he started school either. But, he didn't have the kind of coverage your DH is hoping for OP. Yes, he had a key worker, she had four other kids to work with, keep an eye on etc. As did the other key workers. None of them would be sitting around with time to spare though they'd each have an area to taken charge of - so one would cover the plasticine table, one would do the outside area etc.

Before that he was at home with me. We moved to this area when DS was six months old. I went to two toddler groups a week. One thing I did do, and maybe I was lucky, but I invited other mums to our house for play dates. In the end a small group of us did an informal rota of one mum's house a week. Took the isolation away and meant only one of us had the pain of tidying up!

I used the TV as a babysitter in the mornings whilst I got myself ready. No problem as far as I was concerned. If I got to the 'I need a bit of a break from playing trains yet again' I'd make a cuppa, grab the paper and 'watch' TV with DS for half an hour. Sometimes, when I made a cuppa, I'd let DS tear a teabag up to smell and feel the tea - when we got fancy tea as a gift at Christmas one year we compared that (how 'dusty'is the stuff in teabags compared to the real thing!). Even now, aged six, he loves to help with making drinks so he can smell coffee granules etc.

If I had the patience and was cooking something like cottage pie I'd give him a small piece of cooled boiled potato to squish up, or dried pasta to make into a shaker in a cup if I did a pasta dish and the 'fun'you can have with a sieve and a bit of flour whilst helping mum make a cake or pastry is unbelievable. In fact, DS enjoyed that so much that I would, at least once a week, put a load of newspaper on the kitchen floor, big plastic mat on top, a tray of flour, sieve and toy trucks. Makes a snow mountain. Mum sits in the corner with a book, the radio and has a bit of a break. Vacuum cleaner earns its place in the home and DS has more fun washing his toy cars in bubbly water later.

The point is , if you decide on the SAH route, build in some down time for yourself. The pre school owner said to me she could tell the kids who had been given space (not ignored, but the adult had taken a backseat in play sometimes). They could play alone well, as well as be happy to share and they didn't need to be shown how to use a toy because they'd learned how to explore how things worked. The TV isn't needed for that. DS's favourite 'toy' was a load of margarine tubs, loo roll tubes and all the cushions off the sofa. He made buses, cities, garages, beds for his 'babies' and all I did was threw them on the floor and said 'all yours'.

Final thing, as usual I've gabbled on, have you got a Sure start in your area? As they are run by permanent staff who don't have their own kids with them, unlike some mums and tots groups, they will often be able to help you integrate in a group. Plus they often have offshoots - our local one does bug hunts in the summer and Christmas biscuits or decorations at Christmas. They can also help you find other help (well, my local one can - they helped a friend find her way through the maze to get speech therapy help for her DS) and many have a toy library. They also have staff who can help with ideas. I learned about water and cornflour gloop from a session at my local sure start. I had more fun with that than my son, who must looked at me as if I was potty!

At the end of the day your family will work with whatever decision you make. None of us can go back in time and measure if our kids would have been different if they'd gone to nursery/childminder/SAH so do what you think will be best for you and yours.