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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you think would be better for this toddler? Sah or nursery

180 replies

Orangesandpeas · 08/06/2013 09:21

Do you think it is better for a nearly 2 year old boy to:

a) either go to an average standard nursery (minimum of 3 long days a week)

b) or to stay at home with mum (everyday) who takes him to various toddler group/activities 3-4 times a week and also has him watch tv for up 2-3 hours max a day (No other interactions with other children or adults apart from the toddler groups)

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandpeas · 08/06/2013 10:18

Dh has issues trusting a single childminder (prefers several carers being involved), which is why it is not an option.

I do have a fair bit of experience with different nurseries which is why I know it is an average standard one.

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 08/06/2013 10:18

It's not always about what's best for the child. I personally don't think there's a massive difference between nursery and home as long as the nursery is good. What about the mum? What does she want to do? Is she relying on TV a lot because she is bored and unable to engage? Or is she using it to give herself a breather and allow the quality time to be just that.

It's hard to tell what "2-3 hours" means. If they're doing baby groups in the morning, nap, lunch, then there's probably only around 2-3 hours before dinner, bath & bed starts - which would mean he's not doing anything else. Conversely, it could mean an hour or so in the morning while mum wakes up, shorter toddler group, then half an hour to wind down for/after/instead of nap, lunch, doing things in afternoon then watching the bedtime hour as part of a bedtime routine. Which sounds fine.

Why is there no other adult/child interaction? Does mum not have friends over or go to visit other mums? Is money too short to do things like swimming or is there another reason e.g. anxiety?

What about Dad? Can he cut down working hours (does he want to?)

Does Mum want to work? Is she happy being a SAHM? Does she feel guilty about the prospect of work (she shouldn't, especially 3 days a week)

How long are "long" days - is it breakfast to bedtime, or more like 9-5?

YoniBottsBumgina · 08/06/2013 10:20

xposted. Questions still apply - if you want to answer them of course :)

WidowWadman · 08/06/2013 10:23

trackies - only only children/PFBs get one to one care from a parent, otherwise have to share too.
Plenty of the nursery nurses at my children's nursery have their children looked after there (in a separate room to themselves), my anecdote is probably as good as yours.

Cravingdairy · 08/06/2013 10:24

I believe children can be happy and develop well in all sorts of environments as long as their own individual needs are met.

maddening · 08/06/2013 10:27

I have to work and have just gone back (ds is 2 yrs 4 mths) but have found an absolutely fantastic preschool that does extended days.

Being happy with the childcare is the main thing imo - the fact you describe the nursery in a less than positive way indicates you would not be happy with it. We love the preschool we found and that has made it easier. If I won the lottery now I might still take him in a few mornings as he loves it

Bobyan · 08/06/2013 10:33

If you need to allow 2 to 3 hours of television a day for "stress relief" then put him in a nursery.

PearlyWhites · 08/06/2013 10:33

Why would staying at home involve 2-3 hours of tv OP. Genuine question

maddening · 08/06/2013 10:33

Ps why not a good or fantastic nursery?

Daisy17 · 08/06/2013 10:37

Personality of the child. Neun, I love the image of pottering around doing housework whilst chatting to my son, who is happy so long as I am talking to him and helping out with the washing. But you obviously haven't met my son. He was bored in the womb, I tell you, and after a full day at nursery he grills me on the way home, see Grandma? See this friend? See that friend? No, darling, just mummy and daddy tonight. NO!! Wail, wail....

Bobyan · 08/06/2013 10:37

Interesting first post...

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/06/2013 10:42

What's your DP's issue with Childminders? Hmm That to me is the solution.

Otherwise nursery.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 08/06/2013 10:43

Bobyan - OP does sound genuine :)

OP - you sound lonely, bored and stressed. What do you want to do? I know DS comes first and that it's his 'best interests' you are making the decision on - but often that comes down to what is best for you as much as anything.

Why don't you have any friends where you live?

Do you want some friends where you live?

Goldmandra · 08/06/2013 10:48

When he's watching tv are you sitting with him talking about what he's seeing and linking things he does to what he's seen?

By that I mean if he sees someone playing with playdough would you talk about the fact that he play with it too and then, if he's engaged by that idea, get the playdough out and do a bit with him later? If so that would be make the tv a positive learning experience.

If you're sitting him in front of it for three hours every afternoon without speaking to him and MNing that's less positive but, if the rest of the day is more interactive it is still possibly better than a long day in an average nursery.

meglet · 08/06/2013 10:49

Nursery. He will still have lots of adult attention, sometimes one to one. If I'm at home with my dc's I want some peace and quiet after a while and stick the tv on. Nursery staff are with the children all the time. He will still get cuddles at nursery, plus he will have other children to play with.

More messy play at nursery too, I refused to do it at home full stop.

WidowWadman · 08/06/2013 10:49

Tondelayo - I'd always prefer nursery over childminder, as there's more people, meaning I have less to worry about childminder being ill, going on holiday etc.

VashtaNerada · 08/06/2013 10:51

Depends entirely on your family, there's no right answer.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/06/2013 10:53

Agree Widow but if a home-based environment is important to the OP then it seems a solution worth considering.

intheshed · 08/06/2013 10:57

If he was in nursery what would you be doing? Working, or at home?

If you would be SAHM, I would recommend finding a nice local preschool 2 mornings a week once he is 2. They tend to be cheaper than private nurseries and have shorter sessions, and it is also a great way to meet other parents, you meet people at drop off/pick up, he can start having playdates etc.

If you would be going back to work to fund the 3 days at nursery, if it is a job you enjoy then that sounds like a good thing too.

I also don't think 2-3 hours of tv is such a bad thing tbh, if you are doing other activities as well. When DD1 was that age I had just given birth to DD2 and Cbeebies was my best friend! She is a happy, confident 5yo now and doing very well at school.

In my experience of various combinations of working and childcare since the DC were born, I think whatever works for you all as a family is the best option. Kids are very adaptable.

Cloverer · 08/06/2013 11:00

Normally I would say home, but if you are finding being at home that stressful then I would definitely go with nursery.

I don't think 2-3 hours of TV a day is that terrible either, it's more your stress levels that are the consideration. Better for a child to have 3 days in nursery and then 2 days of good quality time with a happy, unstressed carer.

Tailtwister · 08/06/2013 11:03

From my personal experience, I felt that both my boys started to get something out of going to nursery from around the age of 3. They both went before that, but limited hours as I was off on mat leave with DS2 until DS1 was over 3 and at home with DS2 until he was just over 3.

However, I think it really depends on the child, quality of the nursery and the attitude of the parents. Many, many children thrive in nursery and I'm very glad both mine have been. When DS1 started in his pre-school year there were some children who had never been away from home and they found it very hard to adjust. Of course they did eventually, but it was pretty hard on them and their parents/teacher.

I would say that if I had the choice, then I would have had them at home until 3 and then part-time nursery after that. I wouldn't have had them at home totally right up until school age.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/06/2013 11:03

There isn't a one size fits all. But I wouldn't settle for an average nursery I would and did search for an amazing nursery.

Original poster
Orangesandpeas · 08/06/2013 11:04

I namechanged as I didn't want to get flamed.

Tv is almost an hour in the mornings while I'm getting ready for the day. And then an hour in the evenings when I'm too tired to deal with him anymore and need to recharge before bedtime (and also need to get dinner ready etc). Sometimes it is maybe a bit more if we are having a difficult day. I never watch tv with him, only use it as a babysitter. The rest of the time we do the usual playing together, stories, songs etc or he plays by himself.

I feel bad about the tv which is why I'm asking, he never watched it until he was one, but he is such an energetic toddler I rely on it a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangesandpeas · 08/06/2013 11:05

I have looked for a better nursery but there are none nearby, there are a couple I wouldn't use as they are not good at all in my opinion.

OP posts:
Smartieaddict · 08/06/2013 11:06

I think either option would be fine for your DS. What do YOU want to do??