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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to say "no children at my wedding"

148 replies

charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 11:57

my dp and i have had a few dissagreements about our wedding. the main thing that keeps cropping up is how i dont want people to bring their children. my dp keeps pointing out that my family doesnt have any small children in it (fair enough) but the main problem children are dps half brother and sister. they are not dissaplined at all. they run roit no matter where they are and are very rude. they open fire doors, pour candel wax on tables and hit other children (just examples from my dds christening)
i get really anxious whenever i have to see them as it is such a stressfull experience and i just dont want to feel stressed out on my wedding. am i being too harsh or should i stick to my guns?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/06/2013 11:59

so you want to exclude your future husband SIBLINGS from his wedding?

is your own child going???

EuroShaggleton · 07/06/2013 12:00

I don't understand childfree weddings. In my view it should be a celebration for family and friends, and that means children too (particularly when they are family).

flowery · 07/06/2013 12:00

I really don't see how you can exclude the groom's brother and sister from the wedding tbh. No children is one thing, but surely siblings of the groom can't be included in that?!

Sounds like your DP needs to have a chat with his mum/dad about managing behaviour during the wedding.

MidniteScribbler · 07/06/2013 12:01

I normally say "your wedding, your rules", but I think when it comes to an underage sibling, you need to relax that rule. Excluding a sibling from a wedding is pretty awful, imo. Besides, it is also your DPs wedding, and he should have a say in the guest list as well. His opinion is just as valid as yours.

Can you find a creative way of including them? Perhaps book a second room at your reception venue and hire a babysitter or two to keep the children amused?

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/06/2013 12:02

Fine provided you

  • give plenty of notice
  • understand that some people will not come as a result
  • some people will resent it
  • be flexible about small / bf babies (if any come along before the wedding)

You have probably already realised that you can't make everyone happy when planning a wedding.

Can you make it a very grown up wedding (eg late ceremony, posh evening meal) that would make it very unsuitable for children (not sure how old the children are?)?

I imagine it will be very hard for DP to not have his half-siblings there, though. How will their parents react?

ZillionChocolate · 07/06/2013 12:02

I agree with MidniteScribbler.

I think the only way to exclude them altogether would be to have a wedding with just the two of you and witnesses.

ilovechips · 07/06/2013 12:03

Difficult one - I understand you not wanting to be stressed on your wedding day, and it is absolutely your day and your right to invite or not invite who you like.

But be prepared for some family tension and the possibility that the parents of these children (presumably at least one of them is also your DP's parent) may choose not to attend at all.

Lottapianos · 07/06/2013 12:03

I'm offering a tentative YANBU here.

I've seen 'your wedding your rules' used on here to excuse all sort of shockingly rude behaviour on the part of the bride and groom but actually in this case, I see where you are coming from. Those children sound like a nightmare - how old are they? There are really good reasons for not having children at weddings and appalling behaviour is a really good one. I would stick to my guns if I were you.

Good luck with dealing with it with your family though.

Hullygully · 07/06/2013 12:03

why not just kill them and have done?

TobyLerone · 07/06/2013 12:03

I hate childfree weddings, especially if the bride and groom have their own children there. And I really don't see how it is in any way ok to try to exclude your DP's siblings from his own wedding Hmm

YY he needs to speak to his parents about the childrens' behaviour, though.

And I'm sure there will be a hundred people along to say "your wedding, your rules", but IMO, YABVU.

TakingTimeOut · 07/06/2013 12:06

I have to agree with the others. I'd normally go with your wedding - your choice. The problem is that the children are family and not just cousins or distant but a brother and sister. How old are they?

If young enough could you put a small table somewhere with drawing utensils or something? If they misbehave during the ceremony could somebody be on hand to take them outside?

Bowlersarm · 07/06/2013 12:08

YABU

Especially if your husband-to-be-doesn't agree with you! Why shouldn't he be allowed to share his wedding day with his family?

Book a child's entertainer and have a children's table to keep them occupied.

ilovechips · 07/06/2013 12:08

Meant to add, my sister recently got married, very strictly child free wedding and I wasn't allowed to take either of my daughters, one of whom was a babe in arms. I couldn't and wouldn't attend, this has proven to be a bit of a final nail in our relationship tbh, just saying...

CloudsAndTrees · 07/06/2013 12:09

It's fine not to allow friends to bring children, and if both of you are ok with not having family children there, then that's also fine.

But if your future DH wants his nephews and nieces there on the day then I think it would be very unkind, controlling, and destructive to insist that they can't come.

This is the start of your marriage, where two people and their families become committed to each other, so you really want to start that with upset, offence, and bad feeling because of a couple of kids being around on your wedding day when you will barely even notice them?

If you do ban your future DHs siblings from bringing their children, especially knowing that he is against it, you are asking for the new side of your family not to like you. Do you really want that? I know if my brothers wife insisted that my children couldn't go to their much loved uncles wedding because she had gone bridezilla, it would not bode well for our future relationship.

Halfling · 07/06/2013 12:09

Hire a venue with a room for the little ones to be minded by an entertainer.

You can't exclude close family without making someone upset.

jammiedonut · 07/06/2013 12:10

Out of interest, did anyone call up these siblings on their behaviour at this other event? Surely that would be far easier than risk causing a hell of a lot of bad feeling by excluding them?
Btw I've got no problem with child free weddings but surely it has to be a decision that you both agree to? I'm guessing your dp will not be happy excluding his younger siblings on his wedding day, and for that reason yabu.

TarkaTheOtter · 07/06/2013 12:10

It's not just "your wedding", it's your dh-to-be's wedding too and he wants them there so "your wedding, your rules" doesn't apply.

dubdurbs · 07/06/2013 12:10

They're his siblings!! You can't not have them!

Have you thought about having a room they can be entertained in, and a babysitter booked to make sure they don't escape? You can lay it on thick that the wedding isn't suitable for a small child but you've gone above and beyond to cater for them, that way they're invited but you don't have to see them. Everyone's happy!

ilovechips · 07/06/2013 12:11

Cloudsandtrees - it's the groom's siblings, not nieces/nephews

flowery · 07/06/2013 12:11

"Especially if your husband-to-be-doesn't agree with you! Why shouldn't he be allowed to share his wedding day with his family?"

Yes this ^^

I would think YABU even if you and DP both wanted to exclude his brother and sister, but if he wants them to attend you would be VVVU to try and stop that.

CloudsAndTrees · 07/06/2013 12:11

Sorry, I wrote about the wrong relations in my post, but it still stands, and I actually think you are even worse for wanting to exclude your DHs own siblings.

soverylucky · 07/06/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 07/06/2013 12:12

YWBU to exclude the groom's siblings from the wedding, especially as he wants them there.

This is the start of your marriage, where two people and their families become committed to each other, so you really want to start that with upset, offence, and bad feeling because of a couple of kids being around on your wedding day when you will barely even notice them?

This, basically.

Excluding children in general is quite commonplace, although I have always enjoyed weddings with children as I think they bring a sense of fun you just don't get if it's only adults.

trackies · 07/06/2013 12:14

we had small children free wedding but we were both agreed on it. But think it's a difficult to exclude half siblings, esp if the groom wants them there. Like the idea of an entertainer to keep them busy but that's costly. Or at one wedding i went to there was a seperate room with crayons/colouring books and toys in to keep them periodically busy. But yes can see why you wouldn't want ill behaved kids who go around hitting people there. Difficult one.

poppy1973 · 07/06/2013 12:15

If you wanted to exclude younger children at your wedding, then I would agree. It is your wedding.

However, if it is your other half siblings, then it is a little bit tricky.

How old are they ?? Could you not make a request that they are kept under strict control during the wedding and reception ? If there is no one to supervise them, then pay someone to take the children off when they get bored and tired and keep them entertained. If they are close family then you can't really exclude them unless you just have a quiet no family wedding.