aibu to say "no children at my wedding"

[charleyturtle]

my dp and i have had a few dissagreements about our wedding. the main thing that keeps cropping up is how i dont want people to bring their children. my dp keeps pointing out that my family doesnt have any small children in it (fair enough) but the main problem children are dps half brother and sister. they are not dissaplined at all. they run roit no matter where they are and are very rude. they open fire doors, pour candel wax on tables and hit other children (just examples from my dds christening)
i get really anxious whenever i have to see them as it is such a stressfull experience and i just dont want to feel stressed out on my wedding. am i being too harsh or should i stick to my guns?

Yes I agree, all the promises in the world won't keep these kids under control.

I will go against the grain here and say:

Dont marry him.

1. Remember, you dont just marry the man, you marry his family (They dont sound like a catch)

1. If you cant agree on what wedding to have, you have no business being married.

Oh, pretty much x post with Rhubs

Two cheap digital cameras and a some large cards, ask them to take lots of pictures, ask them to get portraits of everyone and everything.

would the five year old like to walk around with a basket full flower petals, or sugared almonds to offer the guests,

would the ten year old like to show people to their seats,

set them to work, ask them to help, ask them which bits they will find hard, and what would they like to fill the gaps?

last time I had a group of nine year olds at an all day event,

I showed them lots of Martin Parrs images, and gave them cameras with loads of card space, the results were brilliant, children are really good at documenting, once they know what to look for, just use flash for fill in,

www.google.co.uk/search?q=martin+parr+think+of+england&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=8NGxUfG-I-fA0QXqvoG4Ag&ved=0CC0QsAQ&biw=1176&bih=596

www.google.co.uk/search?q=martin+parr+life's+a+beach&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=1NKxUZCjGqmN0wW4zoCgDg&ved=0CEYQsAQ&biw=1176&bih=596

www.google.co.uk/search?q=martin+parr+the+last+resort&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=r9KxUbGzCbSX0QXIk4DQBQ&ved=0CC0QsAQ&biw=1176&bih=596

I think a ten year old would be really hurt to be excluded from their sibling wedding.

so find a way to put them to work, and keep them occupied.

Talk to your DP and say they are welcome to come, but it is in no way your responsibility to police their behaviour. The only thing you'll organise for them is a taxi to their mother's if they are disruptive.
Also, giving FIL a list of behaviours that will warrant them being sent home. That way he can't turn around on the day and say, 'oh they are just being kids.'
Maybe a bit excessive, but then there is no room for excuses.

Now I have kids yabu. You either as my friend accept my new life as married with family or you don't. I am now more than I was before and deserve some respect instead of being made to apologise for having kids.

I was such a tit before demanding such twattish things and I'm remorseful for it.

Yabu. They are his close family. I think children should never be excluded. It's expensive attending a wedding without having to pay for childcare as well. They will probably liven up what is otherwise a pretty standard event. The best pictures from my wedding guests are the ones of all the kids playing giant Jenga and tumbling all over each other on the grass. Get a couple of bouncy rabbits and watch them have fun. Even the adults will join in. Makes for great memories.

You want to exclude your husbands siblings?

So who on his side will look after them or are you excluding your future in laws too?

am I happy to go to friends' child-free weddings? Absolutely. Would I find it pretty unreasonable for them to be excluded from my sibling's wedding? Absolutely.

We said no children despite dp's having a dd (didn't bring her to it) - had no qualms whatsoever. Recently went to a wedding where no kids were invited. I was thrilled to leave DC at home - if babysitting had been a problem (which it has been on occasion) we wouldn't have gone but wouldn't have dreamed of holding it against the b&g. The reason I am so against children at a wedding was that one of the first weddings I ever attended had children invited. A small girl hollered throughout the ceremony so we didn't hear anything. The bride said after that the child was all she could hear too and she didn't even know whose it was! Also I never ever went to a wedding until I was 23 - my parents didn't believe in bringing children to weddings and I agree with them.

Before I got married, I'd say your wedding, your call, but honestly OP, you will probably not even notice them. We had 8 children at ours, quite a few under 5. If any of the littlest ones started crying in the church, their parents just took them out. The kids are a rambunctious bunch, but we were all so pished merry as the day went on, and having so much fun that I wouldn't have noticed if one of them had headbutted the priest.

I made up little buckets of flowers for the girls, and little pots of pennies for the boys (for a scramble) and I think, because they felt they had 'roles' to play, they were quite willing to sit tight and behave, and everyone had a grand time.

Remember, it is your wedding aswell. And whilst you may not be able to avoid inviting the candle wax pouring half siblings, you should get alot of say at your own wedding. Not to have to have it ALL DP and his family's way.

We (mostly) had a child free wedding. I wanted my niece to be a bridesmaid and we invited his nephew and niece (but their parents didn't want them to go) and that was it.

Ours wasn't from any problem with children, purely a numbers thing. We got married at 33 so most of our friends have children and it would have doubled the guest list almost so we just said no. My niece wasn't there for the evening either.

It was brillant. I'd do the same again, deffo.

I don't think you'll get away with this one though, although you really need to talk to your future husband about it.n

I hate child free weddings - just seems like a cue for adults to get pissed up and forget that a wedding is the start of a family... whether to have children or not later is up to the B&G, but existing kids are part of the extended family...

Ours had 75 guests - 23 of them kids - aged from 11 months to 14 years - it was lovely a real mix and everyone has commented on how lovely it was. A day for families to combine, not for a show brochure..

YABU and rude, and quite hurtful to your DP.

another thing to bear in mind is that weddings sometimes end up with a bit of drama that you can't predict. At my child free wedding, My BIL got p*ssed and tried to start a punch up with my FIL. One of my friends h's got v drunk, shouted all the way through the speeches, and then got chucked out by bouncers. btw. i didn't notice any of this cos i was too busy having a good time.

Usually I'd say fine as long as you were not going to get upset if it means the parents can't attend but it not just your wedding - it's your DP too and he's expressed a desire to have his siblings there.

So YABU - and the only thing you can do if find a way to manage them being there or have a wedding that is so relaxed their behavior won't be an issue.

Could you do two weddings?

Have the actual wedding you want - you, DP and a couple of friends at a registry office and then to the pub. Enjoy it with no hassle from family.

Then, on another day, do the big wedding/reception somewhere. Have a friend do the ceremony, let the naughty children run riot, get drunk and let it all wash over you?

The issue isn't child free vs children, I think the OP is using child free as a get out of jail free card to avoid these badly behaved children.

A discussion with your partner needs to happen, soon. How does he feel about their behaviour? If you're not on the same page over that you're going to struggle to find some common ground and compromise.

Is there anyone else in DPs family who could police the children if your soon to be FIL wouldn't? I actually feel quite sorry for you, you aren't having the wedding that you want and these two children sound as though the father lets them run wild.

Rethink what you want, talk to your DP and find a compromise, if you can't how are you going to do so once you are married? Sorry, it sounds a bit doom laden but he should be listening to your views as well. I think if you are having the bid white wedding at home you can't avoid inviting them. Sorry.

duffle your dh didn't invite his own dd to his wedding??!!! that's horrible

update if anyone is interested:

chatted to dp and told him how i felt we were throwing money at a grand wedding i didnt want and how i knew it'd end up with me policing the kids (because it does everytime we see them) so i felt like i wouldnt enjoy it. we agreed to do a smaller, more informal wedding (like i wanted yey!) in exchange for spending a little more on things to keep the kids amused. so now we are doing registry office with no kids and only 6 close friends, parents and grand parents. no braids maids or "proper" wedding dress (thankgod) and a reception at a forest near us with a bbq/ picnic dinner and bouncy castle and some games for kids provided they are gone by 8pm so we can have the party and drinking part without kids running around unsupervised. fair comprimise or still me "going bridezilla" as someone up thread put it?

meowthecat: two things 1) thankyou for the support i feel the same way!
2) amazing screen name! love it!