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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to say "no children at my wedding"

148 replies

charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 11:57

my dp and i have had a few dissagreements about our wedding. the main thing that keeps cropping up is how i dont want people to bring their children. my dp keeps pointing out that my family doesnt have any small children in it (fair enough) but the main problem children are dps half brother and sister. they are not dissaplined at all. they run roit no matter where they are and are very rude. they open fire doors, pour candel wax on tables and hit other children (just examples from my dds christening)
i get really anxious whenever i have to see them as it is such a stressfull experience and i just dont want to feel stressed out on my wedding. am i being too harsh or should i stick to my guns?

OP posts:

olidusUrsus · 07/06/2013 12:39

YABU but only because he wants them there. If he didn't, then I wouldn't see a problem with not inviting any children. Perhaps your DP could have a word with the parents re: the discipline. Hope it all works out smoothly for you!

PearlyWhites · 07/06/2013 12:41

Yabu regarding your spelling.

Original poster

charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 12:42

dps dad isnt with their mum anymore so they could just stay with her and itll just be him to control them which he wont do.
i wanted to just eff off and go without the big do but im doing the fancy wedding thing for dp and his family. i just feel like nothing about this wedding will be enjoyable for me and that im not getting anything my way (childish i know but everyone seems to think the wedding is all about me already and i havent had a say at all so far)

OP posts:

THERhubarb · 07/06/2013 12:42

Well PearlyWhites, I hope for your sake she doesn't turn out to be dyslexic. Could you be any more rude do you think?

Cravey · 07/06/2013 12:44

For gods sake. They are his brother and sister. How would you feel if he told you he didn't want someone you loved at the wedding ? You are not going to back down I can see that I would think very carefully about this. If I was him I would be running for the hills.

MrsOakenshield · 07/06/2013 12:45

I would give your FIL (and really, your DP) 2 choices: either you have the wedding you want (small) OR you have the wedding they want (big) but they are totally responsible for ensuring these children behave themselves. And if you get no proper reassurances on this point, it's back to the small wedding you want.

What does your DP think of their behaviour?

Cravey · 07/06/2013 12:45

Also if its not what you want. Then cancel the whole thing ! You won't be that bothered as you're not getting the day you would like. So just cancel it.

THERhubarb · 07/06/2013 12:45

charleyturtle did you read my reply? About giving them small roles to play at the wedding and little bags full of activities with a disposable camera?

Children who are expected to stand through a long ceremony are going to get bored and be naughty. You can prevent a lot of this by talking to them about the wedding, getting them involved and excited and making a fuss of them. I bet they get ignored a lot which is why they are naughty as bad attention is better than no attention.

Seriously, if you give them simple roles to play on the day like showing guests to their seats, they will be so chuffed and proud and will want to please you.

The cameras will keep them busy for a good few hours.

Reception can be child-free.

Justfornowitwilldo · 07/06/2013 12:47

Has everyone read this bit?

'they open fire doors, pour candel wax on tables and hit other children (just examples from my dds christening)'

The OP doesn't actually want child free, she wants a wedding free of that ^

I would invite their mother.

KeatsiePie · 07/06/2013 12:48

I feel like this is bothering you even more than it normally would b/c you have already given in and are not having the wedding you want. Can you back up a bit and see if you and your DP can create a day that actually feels right to both of you?

E.g., why don't you do just him and the close friends you wanted at the registry office and some nice photos afterward with your DD meaning, no badly-behaved siblings or other family present and then send DD home and have a big lunch or dinner party with everyone, including the siblings?

THERhubarb · 07/06/2013 12:48

Both you and your partner need to sit down and work out a compromise. Yes you are marrying into his family so you need to take them on board and share your day with them, but equally he needs to respect your feelings too.

Make it close family members for the ceremony with extended family (without kids) for the reception.

If you work as a team then this is achievable and the end result can be enjoyable but if you can't come together over this, what will your marriage be like?

RescueCack · 07/06/2013 12:50

I'm with hully

Deal with The Situation.

vintageclock · 07/06/2013 12:51

If they're five and ten would it be possible for your DP to sit down with them and make it very clear that bad behaviour won't be tolerated; outline some of the 'very naughty' things they did at the Christening; tell them if they misbehave during the ceremony there will be somebody lined up to put them straight into a car afterwards and bring them home with no party etc. They've obviously been let away with murder up until now and if your dp is their brother I think he's perfectly entitled to step in and try to instil a bit of manners into these children.

Pearlywhites you are extremely rude.

Lottapianos · 07/06/2013 12:52

'......but they are totally responsible for ensuring these children behave themselves'

Absolutely. And be crystal clear on this. It is not your job to put together party bags and distractions to keep these kids entertained all day long and certainly not down to you to tell them off if they are running absolutely wild and doing dangerous things. It is down to their parents to notice when they are getting bored, to deal with it and not allow them to ruin everyone else's fun. But I think you do need to be clear about this before you agree to the wedding your DP's family want.

I would be eloping too if I was you and I had the money

DontmindifIdo · 07/06/2013 12:52

Yes, why won't their mother be invited? Is your fil not with her anymore? Have you seen them around their mum, are they as badly behaved?

But mostly, if you don't want the big wedding, tell your dp that and say that if his family have a problem with it, tough. (or say that if he wants the big wedding this is a problem he has to sort, so either hiring a nanny to look after them or allocating someone who will be not drinking to look after them, if his solution is "it'll be fine" say you'll stand him up and not turn up, and mean it)

MonstrousPippin · 07/06/2013 12:57

YAB a bit U but I sympathise as you generally only get one wedding day.

Perhaps the kids were really bored at the christening. I went to a wedding last Saturday and the people on my table were so bored they started throwing the table decorations at one another, and everyone on the table was over 30 years of age!

I'm planning my own wedding at the moment and if you look at what's available there are some great children's activities out there that you could set up in one corner. You can buy special wedding themed activity books with games, colouring in, puzzles etc. You can get things like giant colouring in posters that they could work on together. If they're a bit older, get a children's entertainer to keep them busy during the bits you don't want spoiling (speeches, first dance etc.)

If you plan it well enough, you won't even see them for half the wedding as they'll be having so much fun on their own little table with your hired help. In my experience (yes, been married before) you'll be so busy as bride that you won't even notice them. Just make sure you keep them busy during the first dance as you don't want them coming up and spraying silly string in your face in the middle of it like I spotted on You've Been Framed (sorry, I know I'm unreasonable for watching You've Been Framed!)

weisswusrt · 07/06/2013 13:01

I had a child free wedding, and being able to relax during our vows without the fear of squealing, tantrums and other noise that generally comes with kids was bliss! Could you both secretly get married, then have a big 'family' celebration later?

And frankly, all this bollocks of 'joining two family's' annoys me, and I feel the massive obligation of women to have suddenly please total strangers and bratty kids because they are their dh's family begins with this exact type of wedding drama.

MonstrousPippin · 07/06/2013 13:01

Sorry just read you said you can't afford a separate area for them.

The giant colouring in poster I am getting was £9.99 online if that helps. Maybe worth a try if the budget stretches that far?

ENormaSnob · 07/06/2013 13:01

I think you should cancel the big wedding and elope.

I really don't think you can exclude your fiances younger siblings without looking like a twat tbh.

EldritchCleavage · 07/06/2013 13:03

Given your feelings, do consider cancelling it. You sound as though you might be really miserable, poor thing. DH and I were so bloody old when we got married no one even dared to try and dictate, they were just too surprised/relieved their saddos had found someone.

If you go ahead, point out your compromises to DP and tell him you need to have a solution to their behaviour so as not to ruin the day (because I think you HAVE to have them there, sorry). Could someone from your family help look after them? Also try and think of one thing that you like that could be incorporated into the day, to make you happy.

I had to control 2 completely OTT 3-year old flower girls at my cousin's wedding. Nightmare, but I did it. At mine, my older sister was deputed to make sure toxic SIL did not ruin the day, and did a splendid job.

SybilRamkin · 07/06/2013 13:07

What EldritchCleavage said.

Since they're your DP's siblings, he should be the one who puts in place a foolproof plan to deal with their behaviour, whether that's finding a relative who's willing to deal with them, finding a babysitter for later on, giving his DF a stern talking-to regarding behaviour or just gluing their feet to the floor!

Congratulations on getting married, I hope you have a really lovely wedding.

Lavenderandroses · 07/06/2013 13:08

No we had a child free wedding. Most friends were grateful for a day off. You wouldn't take children to a black tie ball or evening drinks. It's fine providing you give plenty of notice and understand this may prevent some people attending.

THERhubarb · 07/06/2013 13:11

They should do this, he should do that but the reality is that they won't and she will have her day ruined.

Frankly, I'd be having second thoughts about marrying a man who puts his family before his wife. I'm sure he knows what your feelings are, he saw their behaviour at the christening and yet he's doing nothing put add to the pressure being put on you.

I'm also wondering why their mum is not invited? Unless he doesn't get on with her and if so, how come he dictates who comes and you can't?

Yes organising activities should not be left up to you but disposable cameras and activity packs are just a few pounds and rather than have your day ruined, I'd be tempted to just get on with it and oblige them that one.

You need to have a serious chat with your partner though.

Original poster

charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 13:14

thankyou everyone who offered helpfull suggestions. i think the giving them jobs and colouring poster could be implemented and work. also i think i will speak to dp about a comprimise and him speaking to fil.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 07/06/2013 13:15

Yabvvvvu it's not only your wedding, but your dp. Surely tey have parents, you should not be concerned with disciplining them on your big day

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