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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to say "no children at my wedding"

148 replies

charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 11:57

my dp and i have had a few dissagreements about our wedding. the main thing that keeps cropping up is how i dont want people to bring their children. my dp keeps pointing out that my family doesnt have any small children in it (fair enough) but the main problem children are dps half brother and sister. they are not dissaplined at all. they run roit no matter where they are and are very rude. they open fire doors, pour candel wax on tables and hit other children (just examples from my dds christening)
i get really anxious whenever i have to see them as it is such a stressfull experience and i just dont want to feel stressed out on my wedding. am i being too harsh or should i stick to my guns?

OP posts:
Pozzled · 07/06/2013 12:18

These children will be your brother and sister-in-law. You are choosing to marry into your partner's family. This means you need to accept them, not try to pretend they don't exist.

By all means get a children's entertainer to try and keep them occupied and put of mischief. But don't send them the message that they're not wanted.

frissonpink · 07/06/2013 12:19

Tricky one.

I'm having a child free wedding, except for our own baby DD.

It has caused huge resentment - not with our friends (who have all said great!) but with my inlaws.

I would just say, be prepared for there to be ill feeling about it!

I would also say, they are his siblings - not his nephews/nieces etc, but siblings. I can't really see how you get round this one tbh.

OR have that quiet evening wedding (meal) as someone else suggested.

OR bugger off abroad and do it there on a beach. This option I would have done if we didn't have our own small baby!

Pfaffer · 07/06/2013 12:20

I can't see how you can get out of having his half-siblings there, and be gracious and serene about it.

I'd just elope if I were you Grin

(Seriously.)

LittleMissFuckedOff · 07/06/2013 12:20

I had a child-free wedding, but I think YABU in this specific situation.

Cravey · 07/06/2013 12:20

Yabu you can't exclude his siblings from the wedding. That's so so wrong. In fact if I was him I would be reconsidering marrying you. Selfish.

DontmindifIdo · 07/06/2013 12:21

It's sad but if the parents of these dcs (which obviously your dp shares one parent with) don't want to discipline them, then the result is that they produce children that other people don't like. This might be the first time it has to be said directly that it's the behaviour (and bad parenting) that's the problem, but I would put money on the fact the children or whole family will have been excluded from other events because of it, I just bet they didn't know why they weren't being invited.

It would also be a real pity you would have to go completely child free to ensure these dcs werent attending when I bet that will mean you also have to exclude other dcs of friends who's behaviour wouldn't be an issue.

I think the best option is a frank conversation with the parents, they are choosing to raise their dcs this way and you don't need to hide the consequences from them. Either the behaviour is better managed (agreement they are removed at first sign if trouble, look at options like hiring someone to look after them), or they aren't welcome. Long term, it would be in your dp's siblings best interests that they were better disciplined, they will be the only ones not invited to parties etc if they aren't taught how to behave.

coppertop · 07/06/2013 12:21

The problem is that it's not just your wedding (as your thread title implies). It's your dp's wedding too.

Your OP is full of what you want. It's your dp's big day too.

DeskPlanner · 07/06/2013 12:21

I dislike child free weddings, but each to there own. But, you can not leave your dh2b's siblings off the guest list, however badly behaved they are. Very odd idea in my opinion.

doublecakeplease · 07/06/2013 12:22

I think you mean 'our wedding...' as in yours AND DPs. He gets a say too.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 12:23

it is his brother and sister fgs invite them and leave other people to look after them and all the guests can tut if they like, these kids are in your life they will be your brother and sister in law it isn't going to set you up very well with your inlaws.

MrsFlorrick · 07/06/2013 12:23

I did. And it was absolutely fine. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's your wedding day.

We allowed a couple of DHs cousins who were 16 and 17 to come along.

Our venue wasn't very child friendly anyway.

There was one couple who had a 2 month old at the time but they preferred their inlaws to look after the baby and go home reasonably early.

Everyone else relished being child free for the day. Out of 100 people only about 6 didn't have DC. I had one old uni friend who was very insistent that his DC (7 and 9) should go and he wanted them to read out poetry at the ceremony!! I have to say that I said no thanks. But he was the only one who said anything at all. Everyone else was grateful to be DC free for the day.

I do think its perfectly possible to have lovely weddings with lots of children attending. I have been to plenty.

It's your day and it really should be your choice.

Cravey · 07/06/2013 12:23

Also who is going to look after these children if they stay at home. Maybe his mother and father should just not bother coming to the wedding. For the love of god have a look and see how selfish you are being. I wouldn't want you as a daughter in law that's for damn sure.

Mindyourownbusiness · 07/06/2013 12:24

As someone who opted for a quickie wedding with just two strangers as witnesses rather than tolerate my adult stepson being present on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and which nearly didnt happen because of him , then l can hardly talk really Hmm.

But l think there needs to be some compromise here. Maybe agree immediate family children only then they have no other kids to bounce off/wind up etc at your wedding. Also insist - holding up your DDs christening as an example - that you are not going to tolerate same behaviour at your wedding and that their parents are told by your DH as much before you agree.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 12:24

and isnt it your future husbands wedding too does he not get a say if his BROTHER and Sister come, adults misbehave at weddings too what about drunk uncle X or bossy great aunt Y

Original poster
charleyturtle · 07/06/2013 12:26

i did think about having a seperate place for them but we cant afford it. i have already completely scraped the wedding i wanted (me, dp, dd and a few friends at a registry office then pub) because dp and his family think its not a proper wedding so im really not getting anything i want (apart from being married to dp) out of tge wedding.
the problem with "cant someone keep an eye on them etc" is that its always me who has to do it. i have yo tell them off if they misbehave and then fil has a go at me because "they are just being kids" (worst was when they younger child hit my 4mo dd and i was livid). i just know their dad will get drunk and i will end up running around after them all day.
i was not going to bring dd as she is only a baby so was going to have her there for photos then she would go home.
they are 5 and 10.

OP posts:
vintageclock · 07/06/2013 12:27

Normally I have no time for people who get all huffy and annoyed if their children aren't invited to a wedding. I think adult only weddings are fine, if that's what the bride & groom want, or if they can't afford to invite everyone's kids.
However, in this case it's a bit different. They're extremely close family. The only way you could possibly get away with this would be if your own dd wasn't going either, but otherwise I think it would look pretty bad to exclude them. I agree though that your dp should have a word with his mum or dad and make it clear that the children are expected to behave and to be taken out of the ceremony if they start making noise etc and if that can't be guaranteed then maybe they shouldn't be brought.
There's responsibilities on both sides. You have to accept your husband's family with all their flaws; but your future PILs have to accept that they cannot allow two brats to ruin your special day.

THERhubarb · 07/06/2013 12:28

A compromise is in order here.

Have a word with your dp about their behaviour as I'm sure he cannot have failed to have noticed it. Invite them to the ceremony but make up little packs beforehand to keep them busy for instance; inside one of those cardboard kids lunchboxes you could include:

A disposable camera
A simple magic trick
A soft toy
Coloured pencils and paper
A creative toy for them to make
Etc

In my experience children misbehave when they are bored and short of attention. Why not give them simple roles to play at the wedding like showing guests to their seats or handing out the hymn sheets? They will feel important and welcomed then and are less likely to be misbehaved.

At the wedding breakfast you could have another little bag filled with sweets and little gifts for them.

Make the Reception an adults only event where you can really let your hair down and not worry about children messing about. It's common for children to be excluded from these events where everyone wants to drink and have a good time. The parents might be happy to have an evening without them too.

trixymalixy · 07/06/2013 12:28

YABVVVVU. It is your DH to be's wedding too and his siblings should be there.

mrsjay · 07/06/2013 12:29

TBH i think you should elope and have a party afterwards

DeskPlanner · 07/06/2013 12:29

Op, most people have disagreed with you, but please come back and explain a bit more.

DeskPlanner · 07/06/2013 12:29

Op, most people have disagreed with you, but please come back and explain a bit more.

DeskPlanner · 07/06/2013 12:29

Op, most people have disagreed with you, but please come back and explain a bit more.

amicissimma · 07/06/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IKnowWhat · 07/06/2013 12:35

I think child free wedding are OK but it would be very harsh not to invite your DH's siblings.

Personally I would rather have naughty kids that overly drunk adults.

DeskPlanner · 07/06/2013 12:35

Sorry, I've cross posted and posted the same thing 3 times Blush .
But UABU, totally understand why though. It sounds a nightmare. If the dad is useless, will the mum be there ? Has she no control over them ? You should certainly not be looking after them on your wedding day.