To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

"he doesn't hit you very often, are you sure it's worth chucking it all away?"

Really! People actually think like this? Wow. So how often is often enough to give up having these material things in exchange for being a punchbag? Monthly, weekly, daily?

Ginshizz you are amazing. I can see why today was a bit sad but it's over now, DD had a great time and tomorrow is a new day in your new life. You're doing great.

doozermum thank you. And also, your post made me realise that where I went wrong here was not to have insisted on a pre-nup which stipulated exactly how many times I could be hit, how frequently, and the exact nature of the hitting that was allowed before STBX strayed into the realms of being U.

I think this would have made things much clearer all round

I have a worrying feeling that all the "oh FFS he only kicked you once, what are you complaining about?" comments are coming from people's own mental pre-nup outlining what they would accept (or are accepting)

I am still at the idiocy of some people. The other thing I wanted to say, again, is not to feel bad about feeling sad. It's only to be expected and Hissy put it very eloquently.

I think you're right in that it makes people feel defensive about the bad treatment (which may or may not be dv or physical) they accept themselves, so they have to rationalise why you should put up with yours.

Sorry to hear you've been feeling a bit down. You're definitely right that of course you will feel sadness too at the ending of the relationship - in fact, expect your emotions to make no sense at all for the next 6 months or so. Sounds like you are managing to keep a clear head and see the big picture through all of it which is good.

FFS yes he 'only' kicked you once because you were brave enough to make sure he couldn't do it again

Your "friends" and family have to believe it's no big deal and you are making a fuss because otherwise their entire belief systems will be rocked (you mean it's not ok to do X?) And because it's easier to keep you in your place your box and deal with you there. Well fuck 'em. You're out, you're free and Movin' On Up.

you have really, really good insight into your reactions and the those of others. Your instincts are good. You are quite inspirational.

Hello lovely people and thank you all once again for your thoughts.

I just wanted to give you a quick updat on how we are doing.

I had a great couple of days at work on tues and weds with our amazing nanny looking after DD. little DD was very happy to stay and play with the nanny when I left and I was very confident about her being in good hands.

Work was stressful but really boosted my self esteem which I needed badly! I felt that I returned to DD a happier and better mum and it was only two days so I don't think that was too much for her at all.

So we have our little routine worked out. Wake up, bottle, walk the dog, breakfast and then we go off to some form of toddler activity. Then first lunch, nap, second lunch then play, dinner, dog walk, bath and bed.

It works pretty well even though some things are being neglected - the garden is a forest! Fortunately, the amazing nanny made use of DD's naps to do my housework - awesome!

I was a bit sad today because STBXH tried to get to bail conditions changed to see DD. But his solicitor was so rude to the woman looking after the case that her hackles went right up and then STBXH called her and lost his temper and didn't listen to what she said about not seeing me so she said no. I am sad because I know he loves her and this must be terrible for him. On the other hand, it's his temper AGAIN and not paying attention when something that important was being discussed is clearly shite.

AND he could have avoided all of this by not assaulting me.

It is awful thinking of the man I used to love screwing up his life so much but it is his responsibility, I have to keep reminding myself.

Anyway, I'd best run and get some dinner.

Thank you all again sooooooooo much

Xxxxx

You are an inspiration, Gin

Still following your updates and still in awe of your amazing-ness (yup, that is a word )

DD sounds so happy, which has to remind you that you're doing the right thing

But, any more twatty comments? You should start a Top 10!

Ooooh yes, I do have more twatty comments to share, thank you for reminding me:

Mutual friend: "but even though the police have said he can't see DD, you could let him come round for a coffee under the radar, right?"

Awful Mother: "you should obviously let him back into the house, the dog will be missing him"

Mutual friend: "but what about our wedding? You guys are both invited, you can't make us choose between you, maybe you can both come still?"

Unbelievable.

I hope you have some sensible RL friends who don't keep suggesting ridiculous things like this!

I have only read the OP & the last page but would just like to say that so called 'friends' & awful mother sound like a bunch of total arses & you are being so brave & strong in the face of a vile situation.

You are amazing. Have some & some & keep strong.

Have been following your posts with interest Ginshizz. You have been so inspiring to read, your strength and determination are an example to anyone who feels trapped in a relationship. You are the proof that life can go on and get better!

OP, i am still amazed on how strong you have been.

when i saw this thread bumped up my heart sank and thought i hope she hasn't gone back. Well done for following this through.

Ye Gods.

You are fabulous OP but might I suggest that once all this shite with your pigging Ex is over and done with, you might want to look into getting yourself some new friends...

Hello all,

Thank you! I have to say though, I don't feel strong. I feel that I am just getting by. But DD is happy so that means I must be doing something right. I am having to prioritise things every day, like whether I should do the laundry or feed the dog because I can't do both ... But I have worked out that if I prioritise DD, then the pets and then all the way down the list comes housework, things kind of work out....

And as for the friends, yeah, the Christmas card list will be pruned this year.

I have to say that I do have decent friends who are really supportive and not crappy. This has totally made me see who my real friends are though.

Oh, and just to be clear, you guys are alllllllll on the Christmas list!

Xxxxxxx

Well done lovely, ignore the idiots who are minimising what happened to you.

xxx

You are amazing,Gin.

Ijust wonder - if your mother lets your STBX stay with her,how long will it be before he assaults/kicks/abuses her? Wonder how she will think then?

You are amazing! You are doing the right thing. He is the idiot lost his temper with the official looking after his case!

I will be your friend!

gin maybe you should sent those people a message saying 'no cards this year, money being donated to a shelter for victims of domestic violence'

I may be feeling a bit evil today.

I do give my Christmas card money to my DV charity of choice.

I email those I love, they all understand!

wowzers! have just read the whole thread and i agree with everyone else... YOU ARE AMAZING GIN

and its truly shocking that others still make excuses for people that abuse others

keep strong... you are so doing the right thing for your dd. she's very lucky to have a fab mum like you

Just read this thread, and also wanted to say hello and well done, mostly for doing the right thing from the start, calling the police, and then for getting on with your life so well. You sound very capable and your dd is obviously thriving. Sounds like you also need to get rid of some 'friends' who don't seem to understand that domestic violence is unforgivable. X

Who'd want as a wedding guest someone who was being prosecuted for violence towards his child, and barred from seeing his kid by the authorities because of it? Talk about a bad omen! Battering my mate makes you no longer my buddy so that comment had me totally confused.

Your ex is just lucky the dog didn't bite him. (Most dogs instinctively protect their owners baby from violence/aggression - dunno why). Your Mum really is scraping the barrel in her attempts to preserve her own fantasy of your illusory future. Hopefully she'll soon be able to shake off her denial and accept that your future may be different to the one she'd envisioned but can still be a contented one. You must be finding it very frustrating to interact with her by now.

It's so horrible that you only find out who your true friends are when SHTF, but it makes you value them all the more once the crisis is over. There's also normally a totally "angel", (who prior to the crisis was just a random acquaintance) waiting in the wings that takes you by surprise with their sheer kindness when you least expect it & in doing so restores you faith in human nature. Life does have a funny way of balancing itself out in time.

This period is tough I know, but as someone who also raised a child as lone parent from a baby, it will pass.

I'm speechless reading this thread.

Well done Ginshizz - sounds like you are well on the way towards sorting your life out.