To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

disgrace outs herself as a geek

Just read the thread, good for you gin! Your Stbx sounds like someone you are well shot of, your dm should be ashamed of herself and I hope she is one day, what is it about he kicked you the she is not getting? The thought of someone ever treating dd likes that makes me feel sick. As for his mates, well, again, it shows what a bunch of f-wits they are that they can justify him kicking you and still being a sound bloke...

Thank you everyone! Disgrace that made me laugh!

I am naughtily logging in from work so I will be brief - I had a scary presentation today and I was worried about being shite in it because of all the nonsense going on but it went really well. It was so nice to be around people who are intelligent, driven adults who can talk rationally and who respect opinions rather than trying to crush them.

Who'd have thought work would actually be this beneficial?

Anyway, I'd best go and crack on with the other TWO presentations I am writing for tomorrow. No doubt I will sneak on later to say hello.

Thanks again, it's very lonely in the evenings at the moment and it's such an enormous help to read all of your thoughts.

As one of my colleagues said: this is my opportunity to have a spring clean of everything and everyone in my life. (She also said it is an opportunity to develop my predatory cougar side but I think that is a touch precipitous)

xxxx

Disgrace you nearly made me 'clean' my keyboard...

Arf at 'cougar side'.

xxx

I'm glad you have a supportive brother, and I hope you keep up the positive attitude you are doing really well.

I can't help but wonder what your mother's reaction to being kicked as you were would be ...

Thank goodness you have such a supportive brother and workmates!

Oh my good lord. I can NOT believe I made it through to this evening. I have just given two of the biggest presentations of my life and they went really well.

The day started pretty shabbily with met getting up a 5 to work before DD woke up and then DD, rather than waking at 6:30 as normal, woke at 5:15. Arrrrrrrgh!

I managed to work on the train to the meeting though so I just finished my deck as the train drew into the station.

Also, when the nanny turned up, DD put her little arms up to her for a cuddle - amazing! Apparently she had a great time and the nanny texted me loads of photos and updates of lovely DD enjoying soft play, dog walking, rubbing lunch over her face etc.

Such a weight off my mind that DD is calm, secure and happy enough to be fine with the nanny. I was really worried all this shit would have upset her but she is a resilient little bunny rabbit.

Today's great comment came from a mutual friend. He asked how I was doing; I said pretty shit, that I was sad about things falling apart but that I was on top of stuff and getting by while keeping DD happy and loved. He said "well if you're feeling sad, that means you should really think about getting back together with him."

Erm, no!!!!!!!!!!! Am I crazy here? I can be sad, devastated even, that my marriage is not what I thought it was and we will never have the future I had hoped for but still be right to see the divorce through?

Ergh.

Anyway, for my first evening off, I am having an amazing time. I can do exactly what I want when I want and my plan is to have toast in front of Eastenders on iPlayer and then to go to bed at 21:30. LOVELY.

Thank you again everyone, I couldn't have done all of this without you

xxxxxx

whereyouleftit that's a great thought! That'll keep me going for a bit!

x

Hahahah. All those "friends" needing desperately to believe that kicking your wife is no big deal

How very excellent to get pictures of a happy DD through the day! Your nanny sounds like a good find :)

Toast & Stenders. Good idea, thanks!

Of course you are sad. The man you fell in love with and made a child with has turned out to be an abusive bastard. You are grieving for the life you had, and thought you would go on to have, together. It is a horrible realisation when someone lets you down so horrifically and turns out to be nothing like the person you thought they would be. But that is all a reason to keep doing what you're doing, making a new life for yourself and your lovely daughter. You might not have the life you have imagined or expected, but you will have a happy, fun, loving little family and most of all you will both be safe. I cannot imagine why so many people seem to think it is ever okay for someone to be violent towards their partner, or anyone. Another person to cross off the Christmas list and spring clean from your life, at least they're making it easy for you with their dickhead comments. You are absolutely doing the right thing and you are setting a fantastic example to your daughter, keep it up :)

Gin, you have to go through that sadness, you have to feel it. You are entitled to it.

It is the saddest thing in the world to lose the illusion of things, to lose hope in someone, to lose a future you wished for.

But that's all it was, illusion, hope and wishes.

NONE of it would have ever come to fruition, because the raw material wasn't there. He's not a good man. Sadly his mates don't seem much cop either.

Now is the time to look at you, to see what you ARE achieving day in, day out. Your DD is thriving, happy and content.

You really CAN do this life thing, you see that don't you?

Well done Gin, you're doing great!

Your 'mutual' friend is clearly no friend of yours.

You are entitled to grieve for the relationship you thought you had, that is healthy and natural. If you can find it in you to feel those things even at this very early stage in your break-up that just shows what a strong and resilient woman you are, how much genuine insight you have at heart level of what has happened to you and how well you are coping. Allow yourself the feelings, because they will help you move on.

Both your DD and your nanny sound like treasures, you have so much going for you.

Er, if you're sad, maybe it's because something very sad has happened to you? Not that you should go back for more punishment and prolong the sadness? Blimey, your husband has some dim friends. I'm not going to refer to them as 'mutual friends' because frankly you will be doing yourself a favour by disengaging from the lot of them. I know that itself probably feels hard and that you are losing people, but it's all part of that spring clean. You are doing so well and your DD sounds adorable. Thank goodness she is away from all these idiots.

Of course you're feeling sad Gin, it's only natural in your circumstance. You're sad that the man you loved turned out to be not what you thought, and you're absolutely right to get out of the relationship.

Your male colleague is not representative of most men. Most of us, on hearing your story, would be entirely on your side. Stay strong, you owe it to yourself and your DD.

Ive only read a couple of pages of this but Gin you are amazing and strong. At no point in any relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family one or a friends one is it acceptable for one person to threaten or assault or intimidate the other person.

Abuse takes many forms. Its easier to ignore mental and sometimes even sexual abuse than what it is physical abuse. I don't know if you have suffered either of the prior leading up to the assault on you but I would hazzard a guess that you have. The physical abuse has actually done you a favour in a weird way and you can now look back and assess your relationship. You only have to do it with yourself. You don't have to drag up a load of personal shit with strangers or your nearest and dearest.

Make yourself a Top 10 list of the things he has done or does which are abusive. Don't just focus on the one (terrible) incident that was the icing on the cake. When you feel weak or sad or are doubting any of the decisions you are making review that list. Then fast forward it to 5 years from now and imagine your little girl as a 5/6 year old sat on the top of the stair observing what is happening below and forming her own opinions and beliefs on what is a healthy adult relationship. You will reach your own conclusions and it will help you stay strong.

After I had my DD nearly 9 years ago my partner at the time chipped away at my confidence to the point I was questioning my own decisions about the most simple of things. Although he never actually 'hit' me, the threat of doing it, the tantrums, and the complete control he tried to exert on me were a form of abuse. Just not as clear cut as him hitting me. I made my list and kicked the fecker to the curb.

It was hard for a year or 2, made more difficult as we still had DD to consider and because of this I still had to 'deal' with his shit. I was frightened of him. I can admit that now.

7 years on if I happen to cross his path whilst he collects my DD from my mums (to save me having to look at his face) I look and I smile to myself that one person, one little man with no balls, no decency, no compassion, no morals could have exerted so much control over me. I almost long for the day that he says something to me (obviously when DD not around) as I will laugh in his face and then probably punch him on the end of his nose. Thats how much he frightens me now.

So the moral of this longwinded story is to stay strong and focused on the end result. It will be difficult. It will get worse before it gets better and as your bruises fade and the giddiness of this new found freedom wear off and the nights start to get lonely don't be tempted to try again. Look at your list, look at your DD and decide what sort of relationships she should be aiming for in life. Then aim for those yourself.

Big (gentle) hugs and stay focused on the end result. xxx

Your friend is an idiot. You are brilliant. Your colleague is wise (think they used the same words as me up thread!).

Hello everyone and again, thank you so much for your support.

Just a super quick update in my day: today was the first day since the kicking that I have been able to focus just on DD without crappy work stuff in the background and we had so much fun. She had her first go on the swings on her own (instead of sitting on my lap) and I managed to brave a toddler group too. Friends came over for dinner and I feel like I am actually human again!

I am so lucky that all that work stuff kept my mind occupied because I now feel that there has been months between what happened and now rather than just two weeks.

Today's stupid comment came via a friend whose aunt has just ended an abusive relationship; one of her friends said "but what about your big house , cars and holidays? I mean, he doesn't hit you very often, are you sure it's worth chucking it all away?"

Just wow.

Oh, and as I approach the end of my second week as a single parent, my big learning is: being a single parent is hard but it's so much easier than being the only responsible adult in a household where there is a baby and a fuckwit.

Anyway, I'd best go to bed as DD may well be up and ready to play in five hours....! But thank you all again, I can not tell you how much your support has helped.

THANK YOU xxxxxxx

Well done! For you!

Ginshizz I think love you!

You are a wonderful, inspiring woman.

And I hope your life forevermore is fuckwit free.

Your baby is very lucky to have you x

being a single parent is hard but it's so much easier than being the only responsible adult in a household where there is a baby and a fuckwit.

^ this is my new favourite quotation of all time

Yes you truly are inspirational, this was the icing on the cake and the catalyst you needed to end an unhappy relationship

Not read all the replies (too many pages!) but just wanted to say YADNBU. He should have thought about criminal record before assaulting you so it's tough shizzle on his part.

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all well and have been enjoying the weekend.

I had a bit of a sad day today as it's Father's Day and obviously little DD could not see her dad and I didn't want to see my parents given their reaction to things. I took DD for a walk to some woods near our house and saw STBX's car there (he is staying not too far away so I don't think he was hanging around to see us or anything like that) - I think we only just missed seeing him. It reminded me that we do have things in common and the fact that we had both gone there to seek solace made me well up a bit.

Obviously there were good things about our marriage otherwise I wouldn't have stuck at it for so long and I am sad that I have to say goodbye to those things. I do know that it is far better to mourn some of the good stuff than to put up with the horrid bad stuff too so I haven't been having any wobbles about that, just feeling the inevitable sadness that will, I am sure, play a significant part of the next few months.

Anyway, DD had a lovely day and I guess tomorrow won't be so bad.

Best run as I have to send off some invoices etc but I just wanted to check in,

xxxxxx