To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

Well done OP, you are 100% amazing and doing the right thing. Stay strong.

Your parents are totally bizarre though.

Just found your thread, YANBU! So there. I'm sorry to hear your parents are BU, glad you have a brother who's got his head screwed on right.
You can apply for a non-molestation order, or a restraining order, or an injunction. Not sure what's the difference on these three, but you can stress how you are scared of a repeat attack and that you do not want to be in a situation where you may be alone with him. Then a solicitor can advice on contact between daughter and her dad, which may need to be supervised by a third party you trust, or at a contact centre. He can do the running on that.
Well done. Good grief, kicking you in the chest. wtaf? You were bruised and lost your breath, that is bad. Well done for taking action!

Hello and again, huge thanks to everyone for your support.

I am just popping in briefly before I get back to work ...

DB has been amazing and offered to pay for me to get some advice from a super hot (I think he meant professionally rather than, erm, hot) family law solicitor.

I do know that not seeing STBXH for a long period of time isn't great for DD but I also feel very strongly that she is going through a massive period of transition from having only ever been looked after by her parents to needing to get used to her father not being around every day and then nursery and nannies on top of that. Personally, I think it would be better for her to see STBXH when she has settled into some routine and stability so it's not too disruptive for her.

Obviously what I want is for her never to see STBXH husband at all again ever but, I appreciate this is very U; however, I don't see why he should see her and risk upsetting her when he doesn't come home with us (as she would expect) until she is feeling more secure in the rest of her life.

I also think that if he was that committed to being a good father, he shouldn't have come home so smashed that he didn't sober up for six hours when he was meant to be looking after her two and a half hours after he rocked up. Or maybe that's just my outdated view of parenthood. And kicking her mother wasn't going to win him any father of the year awards either.

Oh well.

On the plus side, I have now survived my first week as a single mum. Well done DD for being such an amazing little star and helping to get me through it.

OK, off to more powerpoint ...

Thanks to you all again and I hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend

xxxx

I am at your parents. WTAF?

Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the sunshine x

I am more of a lurker then poster and very rarely will state my opinion but op I have to say, you are an inspiration!

You are so strong, brave and basically just amazing!
I wish I had just a small bit of your back bone!

Every women that has ever been Hurt by a male whether it be physically or mentally needs to do exactly as you have done! I am embarressed to honestly admit I don't think I could have done what you have accomplished in just one week! You brave amazing women. You were in an awful position and you have done exactly what you need to do to look after your daughter and yourself.

I'm sure this will be hurting you and I just want to let you know in the dark moments that are ahead of you with all you have to face in the upcoming weeks/months I really want you to remember how fantastically amazing you are. And how proud your little girl is going to be when she's older to understand. What an inspiration.

And this just shows that when the time is right and you meet someone else he is going to be extra special because yourll find someone who is just as amazing as you.

I wish you all the very best op please keep us updated will be checking daily x

My goodness you ate so brave. I hope that other people in your situation will read your story and use it to help themselves.

Your parents are bloody toxic Ginzzz, if anyone aid a finger on my dd I would really have them. It's true you're one brave and inspirational woman, and it is fantastic tat you are not putting up with crap like many other money who are in violent relationships. I hope that if tat ever happened to me [which it as not] I would have the same strength as you

Women not money grrr

Thank Goodness you are splitting up from him!

Brave, inspiring and strong. X

If you DON'T charge him it is sending a message that it was't quite bad enough behaviour for you to do so and gives him (even unconsciously) a green light. It would be a kindness to both of you (even if he doesn't quite see it that way!) for you to show that he crossed the line - take this seriously. Far better for him to have a record for a one off occurrence than for him to escalate this behaviour and then do it again (and again?) and then you would ironically probably find it even harder to do something about it.

I've been lurking but I have to say you're amazing! So strong in spite of it all, your DD will be proud!
I am so shocked about your parents though, have they always been like this?

Hi all,

Had a bit of a downer this afternoon getting back to an empty house. Still reeling from people's reactions. I can't believe that in this day and age, I, as an ABUSED woman, am being cast as the villain. Or at least an hysteric.

This has made me realise who I want around my DD and who I don't - I really don't want this nasty, toxic, demeaning view of women being bandied about around her so I am crossing a few people off my Christmas card list.

I am also feeling that it is a little unfair that STBXH has rallied all his mates and is out no doubt being told what a wonderful bloke he is and hey, what's the problem with an occasional kick in a marriage? While I am distinctly lacking in RL support other than DB.

Thank the lord for you lot!

And also, he can hang out with his smelly, alcoholic, substance ridden mates; I have the world's sweetest little girl to look after so I think I win! I also have an adoring DDog who has made it quite clear that he thinks DD and I rock.

Will check in later this evening.

Off to make DD tea...

Xxxx

PS throughgrittedteeth my mother has always been a narcissistic b*tch but my father is usually ok... Clearly we have very different views on what sort of behaviour is acceptable.

You are not a villain...or a hysteric. You are doing what is best for you and your child and that is all that matters. I'm sorry you don't have more support around you but keep reading and posting here, and hold on to that DB of yours, he sounds like a gem.

Glad to hear you're doing OK, stay strong, it's so inspiring to follow your story xx

So sorry to hear most of your environment is toxic... Keep believing everything we are telling you on here, and trust your instincts. I am on your behalf!

Think of this as an opportunity to spring clean your life. You can ditch anyone who is not a positive influence and focus your attention on the people who matter.

Don't worry about the thing about changing the bail conditions so that he can see her. The criminal courts have no say in whether someone gets to see their child. The most they would do would be to say "no contact save through third party/solicitors for the purposes of child contact."

He would then have to make an application to the family court/get something agreed through solicitors who would probably say "wait until the criminal case is over."

You're doing incredibly well, OP. Keep pushing on.

Absolutely NO WAY should you be guilt tripped into droppung the charges. What he did was a criminal offence. If he gets a criminal record it is because he committed a criminal offence. Being drunk is no excuse. i wonder how they would feel if it was their daughter. You have done the right thing by yourself and your children and you should feel proud you had the courage to do so x

Your parents are appalling - their own daughter has been physically assaulted and they are inviting the perpetrator to stay , ruling out the possibility of you or their grandchild visiting.

Thank goodness for your brother - he sounds like the only one with any sense out of the lot of them.

Oh and just so you know he won't be telling his friends and family and even your friends and family what he did, they will be getting a sanitised version of events.

Its very very rare for a violent abuser to put up there hands and say yep I did xyz what they do is twist and minimise to those who can't prove otherwise.

A punch becomes a push a kick becomes a shove.

Not once ever in my entire working life have I ever heard a domestic abuser say yes its all true I did xyz even the ones who turn up in court and plead guilty still don't admit exactly what happened to people whose opinions they care about.

On the same sort of note not one of my estranged husbands friends will even nod at me if they walk past me in the street every single one of them believes that he just snatched my phone out of my hand and I fell and I wasn't even hurt.
Clearly not one of them is intelligent enough to work out that a small fall with no injury wouldn't keep you in hospital for over a week and it most certainly wouldn't cause a perfectly innocent person who just snatched a phone to have smashed up knuckles that were still bruised at his first court appearance.

People find it easier not to believe bad things about others they trust because it shows how misplaced that trust was so says something about there own skills.

Am very at your parents who are behaving shamefully. Can you get your brother to have a word with them to show that, far from talking you round, he agrees that you are totally in the right here?

I would also tell them that if they have your STBX to stay, that is the end of any contact they have with you and your DD. Not just while he is there, but for good. You don't want people who sanction violence in your daughter's life. They can make their choice. I think they need to realise the implications of their stupid, messed-up thinking.

You lot are all marvellous, thank you.

I am doing OK this evening although I miss having company. I feel very lonely sitting in my study working AGAIN! Admittedly, it is difficult to feel too lonely with a dog and a cat snuggled up to me but I do miss hearing STBX pottering around and popping to say hello.

I am angry that he will be out with friends and that this whole mess has made me even more isolated than I was before.

On the other hand, I do not miss having to worry about whether he is drunk / hungover / in need of coffee / fags or whether instead of a friendly hello I will get a bollocking for something trivial.

I was thinking about this earlier and I don't actually regret having been with him because DD has his DNA and wouldn't be her if I had been with someone else but I do regret not leaving before when I felt things weren't right. Had I left at the first red flag, I would be in a new house having settled DD into childcare and I would be posting about how I am having to fend off the George Clooney look alikes with stick.

I know I will feel better at the end of this week as Wednesday will be my last day of early mornings and late nights to finish work so I can actually have friends over and / or pamper myself in the evening. I just have to grit my teeth a little longer I think.

sockpixie you are soooooooooo right. I think a lot of STBX's friends are normalising it because either they are abusers themselves or they can't stand the thought of something being seriously wrong so it's easier to make out I am overreacting.

Your point about people admitting some of what they did but not all of it got me thinking about another thing. I took a clinical psychology course a while back where they said "everyone needs to make sense to themselves and the mind will flex any way it needs to in order to make this happen." So in STBX's mind, I am sure he has conjured up a reason why I deserved what happened, why he was justified in getting plastered, why it's the fault of me, the police, the CPS, the courts, the lawyers etc because we are all wrong and he, obviously a nice person, is right.

I am so upset and angry for you though that you had to put up with idiots thinking it is OK to pretend nothing happened. But hey, I'm just the hysterical over-reactor who kicked up a fuss over a small push that was meant to correct my bad behaviour. And my ribs weren't even broken so what would I know?

Ergh.

I keep thinking that I will not let DD grow up in a family where this type of thing is seen as acceptable. That means ditching STBX and, as you have all said, I think the next on my ditch list will be my parents as I don't want any hint of kicking people being OK coming near my girl.

Oh, best go as she's waking up for a bottle...

Thank you enormously again xxxxxx

Gin can you accept that you are the marvellous one here? You are an example to every woman on MN who has put up with abuse. You have shown that it is possible to take a decisive step early on. Your last post suggests that you have been walking on eggshells for some time and that what your STBXH did to you was only the culmination of years of awful stuff, but you drew a line and got up. I wish we had a [trophy] emoticon for you.

Gin you are kicking ass right now but be braced for the wobbles. You are still on the adrenaline right now. Please keep posting and re-reading if you ever doubt yourself.

I am sorry all but one of your family have turned traitor. It sucks when you find out who your friends really are but one the plus side you will have sorted the wheat from the chaff.

You're really a bit fab, aren't you, Gin?! I agree with Zillion: "Think of this as an opportunity to spring clean your life." You've got to clear out the dross to make way for George Clooney lookalikes the good stuff.

YY to what you've applied here from your psychology course. It might be interesting, also, to revisit the Just World fallacy, which is about that and also explains victim-blaming. Funny, isn't it - there are loads of people who are capable of saying "I was wrong," or "You deserve much better," and then there are loads more who somehow find those concepts impossible to grasp. I know who I'd rather have in my life

All the best for this week! Remember to have treats for yourself as well as DD.