To think I shouldn't bloody drop the charges even if the bugger is my husband...?

[Ginshizz]

In brief:

H and I have been having problems for a while. I have just started to take on more work following the birth of DD (now 1yo). I have tried to persuade him to go to couples counselling but he refused as he thought it would end up with him being criticised by the counsellor as well as by me (surely an indication that he knows he wasn't being great?).

Quick background point: he goes out every week with his mates and I babysit and then take care of DD the next day so he is not starved of a social life - he also goes out as and when parties come up; I have moved work projects around to accommodate this.

He was invited to a party on Saturday and double checked I was OK with him going - I said of course but I needed to work on Sunday (fyi I had put off all my work until the weekend to make sure he had last week free to work on the understanding I could work at the weekend - we didn't want to use childcare).

He said fine, he would be home early and sober enough to be in a fit state to look after DD properly first thing on Sunday morning.

Cut to Saturday night: I was woken up at 3:30 am by a tremendous banging from downstairs. I thought someone had broken in but no, it was H so drunk he was bouncing off the walls. I had a MASSIVE go at him and let him know exactly what I thought about his behaviour.

He shouted vile things at me and then kicked me. In the chest. Hard. Then went to sleep.

Worried about what he would do if he woke up again before sobering up, I called the police (once I had picked myself up, ascertained nothing felt broken and got my breath back), he was arrested and, once sober, interviewed when he admitted what had happened. He was charged with battery and bailed on condition that he doesn't come near me or DD or the family home.

Most people have been very supportive BUT some close family members have told me I should drop the charges because it would be awful for him to have a criminal record.

WTAF?

So, and I promise I won't be offended, please tell me honestly AIBU to think the fucker deserves to be convicted because what he did was ACTUALLY CRIMINAL?

Am I missing something?

I am genuinely confused by some people's reactions so if you agree that I should drop the charges, that's fine but please can you explain why?

Thanks

I do regret not leaving before when I felt things weren't right

Not saying that would have been wrong, but it's possible you'd still be wondering whether you'd done the wrong thing and overreacted. Now you can be sure. No point regretting things you can't change.

Gin I'm sorry that your family are being so toxic about what you've been through. You are totally doing the right thing.

My DM went through years of abuse - and she's still with him. What a surprise that I went on to have abusive relationships. It took me a long time to leave my XH, but I have never, ever looked back.

Hang in there ma'am, you are doing awesomely.

I have about two seconds to pop in before I need to get back to work (DD is napping) but guess what I just did? Filed for divorce. Fuck him and his nasty drunk / hungover behaviour.

I know it seems like I have jumped into the divorce quickly but:

a) There is no way this is not going to end in divorce. He has told his friends that he thinks we need "really intensive couples counselling" but really, I can't be arsed.

b) I want to get things underway while the no contact order is still in place

Right, back to the presentation...

Thank you all again soooooooooooo much

xxxx

Good for you, hurrah for your insight and decisiveness. Quite right no amount of couples counselling can make his behaviour better, idiot.

Okay, so the thread has clearly moved on but YANBU in anyway at all.

Oh, so now he's all for the couples counselling when before he didn't want to be told off by the counsellor? He has clearly realised that he has crossed a line and is trying to back pedal in a big way - possibly with the notion that that will get him off any charges. But you can say that you were all for counselling earlier on but he then wasn't and now it has all gone too far (this in response to any suggestion that you are the unreasonable one for not wanting to do counselling). Onwards and upwards.

You need really intensive couples counselling? More like he needs anger management.

And well done. In cases like this I think you're better off doing it quickly. Kicking you like that isn't like having an argument, or even if they've had a drunken snog. I don't think you can ever get over DV.

I am so impressed by you.

And sad that you're getting so little RL support, still in the long run you'll still be the winner in this situation. And maybe just maybe make one or two of his pratty friends etc think even if just for a second.

As for the couples counselling, hes have a laugh isnt he????

Yes, cut to the chase and get all the crap out of your life. Well done.
:)

xx

Go you!!!

Go You!!

You don't need counselling, not with an abusive man, they gain power to hurt you from it.

Oh and he doesn't have anger mgmt issues. He managed his anger very well indeed thankyouverymuch.

All the rage for victims is manufactured, it's not even real, they have to work themselves up to it, which is why we can feel it in the air.

Thank you for the pom pom kicks! They definitely cheered my up!

Andy hissy you are sooooo right - it is manufactured. It's pent up frustration caused by his inability to deal with life and he would NEVER TAKE IT OUT ON ME IN PUBLIC, just in private. That means he can control it, right?

And Eagle yes, it struck me as deeply sad and ironic that it is only now that he is considering counselling after having refused to go before.

WTF is that? Abusive? Controlling? Desperate? Misguided?

Anyway, no longer my problem.

Oh, and apparently I can keep the house until DD is 18 if I want. I won't because that would feel vindictive and I don't want to be dragged down to his level but I'm certainly in no hurry to move out.

Fuck it, he can always go and live with my parents for a while if he's stuck for somewhere to stay ....!

Right, back to work now but thank you all again for your tremendous support, I honestly don't know where I'd be without you xxxxx

You are incredible. I don't know you but I'm very proud of you!

Blimey OP. I hope I'm even half the woman you are!

Counselling is a no go anyway as counselor worth their salts will not touch couple where abuse has taken place anyway.

As others have said you are an amazing strong women and mother to your DD.

What everyone else has said, Gin. Really, really well done you!

(If I were single, I'd be totally beating a path to your door. Strong, independent women are so damned attractive. But I'm not so much George Clooney, more, er, Jennifer Saunders.)

Thank you all once again for your support.

I have had a really good day today. It was the first day I have left DD for the whole day as I was starting a new regular 2 day a week in central London - we had a surprisingly funny commute in together and she bounced on my lap waving at all the other commuters. No tears or tantrums (from either of us).

I left her with my sister in law (DB's wife; not STBXH's sister) and they had a great time together. DD was fine with only one "mama!" incident because her little teeth were hurting her (she's cutting a molar); Calpol soon had her sorted again.

Being at work was so good for me. The team are lovely - I told a couple of them what had happened (these are people I'm friends with anyway) and they could not have been more supportive. The crazy thing is the EXACT SAME THING had happened to the woman who runs the team when her DS was the age of my DD.

I felt properly human again, like I have more to my life than the utter mess that is my soon to be divorce.

I realise now that the people who are being supportive are those who are intelligent, strong, balanced, sorted individuals; those who are not being supportive are the ones with issues ranging from MH (is it possible Awful Mother still has post natal depression 37 yrs on?) to unhappy marriages themselves.

I won't deny that I am sad. I am. I am sad that our little family has been torn apart; I am sad that DD has been let down so badly by her father; I am lonely in the house all by myself; and I am terrified about everything relying on my self-employed income; and I am sad that all the hopes I had for our future have been taken away.

But I'm damned if I'm going to let that weaken my resolve about this.

Violence is simply wrong and I would be as guilty of excusing it as those who are telling me to drop the charges if I retracted my statement and / or got back together with an unpredictable, violent drunk.

So, back to work for me until later this evening but thank you again for your continued support.

And lookingthroughthefog , I'm a bit of a teary Olivia Coleman at the moment so maybe that could work if you find yourself single at any point?

Gin I am so glad you have found some more RL support - having a colleague who has been there and survived must give you a bit of heart. You certainly seem to have a very clear-eyed view of how things are and who your friends and allies are, and that is so valuable.

You keep posting here, I'll keep waving the pom poms.

Yadnbu
I hope you're ok

Oh, EXCELLENT! So DD's a commuter now I bet she brightened up a few miserable faces!

Great that you had such incredibly appropriate support at work - and that you're already noticing the difference between the 'sorted' people and the screwed-up ones.

OP i am in awe of you Bloody well done

Wow. Just read the thread.

Your mother doesn't sound too different from mine, I recently posted about her excuses for my brother, who is a nasty violent bully.

Some of her corkers include 'well she knows if she winds him up he will snap and hit her'.. 'They should just ignore him'.. (When he threatened me, her pregnant daughter) 'oh well he wouldn't actually hit you' (no I imagined him nearly kicking my baby out of me when I was having my daughter and ran off to a woman's refuge for a laugh) 'everyone should just leave it now,.

Fucking infuriates me, victim blaming and excuses.

You are so strong OP and should be proud, he deserve as everything the law gives him! X

A bloke writes:

You know the scene in Torchwood where Gwen puts earmuffs on baby Annwen before firing a Desert Eagle at a helicopter gunship?

That's you that is.

Gin you are a strong intelligent ad brave lady. I hope those people in abusive relationships read this tread and use you as an example and inspiration to walk away from an abusive relationship. If only everyone in abusive relationships had your strength but they get so wrn down ad it goes round in a cycle f abuse apology abuse apology. Filing for divorce is the first day of a brand new life.let him lve with your parents. I can't believe he still wants a relationship, and thinks this can be salvaged . Does he not see it!