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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

694 replies

marriedinwhiteagain · 02/06/2013 09:10

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

OP posts:
Binkybix · 03/06/2013 22:30

I agree that mil should be looked after and completely empathise that it will be a difficult day for her. It's just that you don't yet know that this is not already happening, and do seem to be assuming the worst. I agree that if no one has considered mil, that is a bit thoughtless on part of DH's brother.

This point seems to have been conflated by you with a lot of wider issues to do with the wedding that the majority of people think are unreasonable about, which has confused things and which have made you seem a bit bitter/focused on one way of doing things (ie yours)

On wider issue of evening invites I do agree that it's nice to provide something for evening guests by way of food and at least one drink. I also would not expect a present from an evening guest (not that I would from a day guest, but you know what I mean!)

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 03/06/2013 22:33

Isn't it better to have a rant on here; take the flak and accpt the majority think I am U without being rude in real life. DH agrees they are out of order but will not call his uncle to find out about arrangements and I am going along with it. I have even ordered their wedding present.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 03/06/2013 22:39

Yes it is better. TBH I think YANBU but I hate evening do invites.

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/06/2013 22:42

Married I totally understand about your MIL. My MIL was widowed just before Christmas, she had been married 55 years. She feels completely all at sea. I think attending a wedding must be a tremendously difficult undertaking when newly widowed. MIL was invited to a wedding held in a country hotel near us. To save her the faff of driving there etc I offered to take her and pick her up, but she can't bear the thought of attending a wedding on her own when she has been attending weddings for the best part of 60 years with her husband by her side. But then she feels guilty for not attending and thinks she has offended the bride. To save face her daughter is going to organise a trip somewhere so she feels she has a valid excuse.

Don't feel disheartened also by the flaming. It is hard though I think. I have been sent off with a flea in my ear at times (and can really clearly remember being in tears over a row about bloody posh spice). I think you have made a lot of very valid points.

Someone said something wise upthread - either you think weddings should be about the comfort of the guests, or the bride and grooms speshul day and everyone should dance to their tune. You are either one or the other and never the twain shall meet Grin

ExcuseTypos · 03/06/2013 22:49

So it's your DH who is being unreasonableWink

If he doesn't want to make a simple phone call then don't let yourself get in a tis-was about it. Let him sort the arrangements out.

WinkyWinkola · 03/06/2013 22:56

Getorf, I cannot imagine you crying after a row on MN!

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 03/06/2013 22:56

Thank you getorf

OP posts:
SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 03/06/2013 22:59

How I see the OP
I think the bottom line here is that you don't like the bride, and they aren't doing the wedding the way you want it. So what if all the others have invited you? This is their wedding. Why do they have to do it your way?
Rather than getting the arse, just call them and say "thanks for suggesting that we attend the ceremony, but its too much for us. Can you arrange someone to look after MIL until we get to the evening reception please?".
If you don't want to buy them a gift, then don't.
Really, you sound just like a bitter old woman, with nothing better to do than moan about the younger generation. You had your day. Let them have theirs. Why do this couple have to follow what the others have done just to please you? There are no rules about where they have to get married. There are no rules as to who they must invite. You need a grip.

Whocansay · 03/06/2013 22:59

Crikey OP, you sound very angry about it all! And you're still making it all about you.

So,the B&G see it as a bit of a family tradition to get married in the same church as other family members? Why on earth does this make them so horrible? Surely your MIL should see it as a celebration, rather than see it as something to be upset about? You've said yourself she's keen to go.

They can't afford to pay for everyone to eat so have asked people to celebrate with them at an evening do instead. If you can't be happy for them and are going to sit there seething because you aren't important enough to them to get a free feed, DON'T GO. It's not mandatory.

And if your DH insists on being a martyr, rather than having a quick conversation with his brother, that's his own fault.

You're making a meal of this for no reason.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/06/2013 23:00

I am going to repeat myself, which is boring I know, but I think you've been getting a hard time.

I think the invitation was rude.

I don't think it's something all younger people do and you're just out of date to expect otherwise, I think it's rude. And I am fairly sure my mates in their 20s would agree.

And I think your worries for your MIL show you're not just fussed for yourself at all.

Bogeyface · 03/06/2013 23:02

Buying a wedding present does not mean that you are being the bigger person you know!

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/06/2013 23:04

And you have had some harsh bloody comments on this thread imo.

winky yes, cried about a MN thread.

Wine was involved though, to be fair. Grin

Original poster
marriedinwhiteagain · 03/06/2013 23:10

Thank you LRD and thank you saggy those two were a hoot.

OP posts:
ArbitraryUsername · 03/06/2013 23:22

Tbh, I don't really understand why the bride didn't invite her elderly aunt with a +1. It's utterly standard practice to expect people to come in pairs at weddings. Then the OP's husband could attend the wedding with his mother and the OP could join them in the evening. I think the OP would have been perfectly happy if that had been the case.

I'm still amazed by the two different reception venues thing though. Is that some kind of new thing all the kids are in to these days?

squeakytoy · 03/06/2013 23:22

"DH agrees they are out of order but will not call his uncle to find out about arrangements and I am going along with it"

not a close family then??

daftbesom · 04/06/2013 00:23

Am I too late?

Not rude to you but mebbe a bit thoughtless re your MIL.

Lots of weddings have "two tiers" - mine didn't but I accept that it suits some B&Gs and their budgets. If I am going to an evening "do" in the same town I usually ask if I can lurk at the wedding but nobody expects it one way or the other. In your position I would not go to the wedding but would go to the evening do. If your DH wants to squire your MIL to the various venues, I would let him get on with it, and use the time as a bit of "me" time.

I would definitely buy a present as an evening guest, but prob not a huge one. All evening dos I have ever been to have provided at least sandwiches, coffee and cake. I don't object to buying my own drinks.

But I expect to attend a wedding as a mark of affection for the B&G, not to be wined and dined although that's nice too!

Sometimes in families you just have to go along with stuff for the sake of peace, especially when it's your OH's blood relatives. I have bitten my tongue now and again with DH's lot and I'm sure he has with mine, prob more often!

CouthyMow · 04/06/2013 00:35

Ok, not read all 500+ messages, but I seem to be reading this differently to the first 100-ish replies.

I see it as the OP and her DH help and care for the OP's (frail?) MIL.

The MIL has been invited to the wedding breakfast. The OP and her DH have not.

This is a problem because the MIL will need the OP and her DH to drive her there.

Thus leaving the OP and her DH to either fanny around for ages until the ceremony starts, or to drive right back across London to go home, and then back again for the ceremony.

That IS a bit out of order if you ask me...of the bride and groom, not the OP.

Are the bride and groom expecting the OP and her DH to hang around like spare parts in order to ferry their invited guest (the MIL) there, or are they expecting the MIL to not turn up to the breakfast? Confused

Either the bride or the groom are related to the OP's MIL, so they MUST know if she is frail and needs the OP to ferry her around.

I think the OP's issue is that either her DH is expecting them to ferry the MIL across London, because the MIL wants to go, which means the OP either hanging around waiting for the ceremony, or criss-crossing London all day driving backwards and forwards.

Thus giving up their entire day for the wedding of someone who clearly doesn't want them to be a part if the main 'family' events...

And I must move on very different circles anyway - I know plenty of people who have had a BBQ or hired a hall and catered the buffet themselves, in order to have everyone important to them there with them on their wedding day.

And I've never heard of a 'Wedding Breakfast' either.

Bogeyface · 04/06/2013 01:05

AIBU?
Yes!
No I am not and I will only respond to the 2 poster who agree with me

Why ask?!

Elquota · 04/06/2013 01:29

If you're not going to look after your guests at all, then they're not so much guests as an audience.

MummytoKatie · 04/06/2013 06:31

Couthy The MIL lives 250 miles away so is not cared for on a day to day basis by the OP and her dh.

There may be arrangements in place for the MIL but OP and her dh have not called the relevant people and have no intention to do so.

Binkybix · 04/06/2013 08:03

Elquota - they are looking after the guests who have been invited to the ceremony - they are taking them out for a meal.

Evening guests may also be 'hosted' with food/drink - we don't know.

Evening guests have been told where day ceremony is as a courtesy only. The vast majority of people think this is an optional extra where there is no expectation at all or evening guests to attend.

I don't agree with the people saying its always either about the couple or the guests - vast majority of weddings are a series of decisions about how to spend budget, where to hold wedding etc, with the needs of both sides considered. Most will fall in the middle somewhere.

renaldo · 04/06/2013 08:41

OP YANBU. The lack of consideration shown to your MIL is mean, and personally I think evening Dos are naff. In my opinion you should have the wedding you can afford for all the people you want there.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2013 08:54

I'd send your H along to all of it and stay home.

BettyYeti · 04/06/2013 09:13

For a friends wedding, DH and I (and some other friends) were invited to the evening do. Becuase it was in London (where we live) we were also told we were welcome to attend the church and in fact they had some champagne and canapes outside nearby before moving on to wedding breakfast as lots of guests were in the same position as us (very sociable groom, and bride with a v large close extended family). It was not particularly near where we live. Friends and we decided to go to the church and then on for a posh lunch ourselves near the church/venue. It was absolutely a fab day. Think we had a better time than other friends who attended the whole day! If we had not made that plan i think we would just have gone to the evening do and not bothered with the church, and I doubt the b&g would have minded (plenty of other guests).
I know some people get offended about being on the B list. It has never bothered me, although to be fair I have only been invited to evening dos of colleagues and friends we dont see very often, might feel differently in the case of a close friend. Also DH's cousins. He has absolutely loads of cousins, and they have all done different things. Some have invited all the cousins and their partners to the whole day, some to the evening do only and some have just invited the aunts and uncles. All fine - it varied depending on size of wedding and budget and (except in 1 case) they were consistent in what they did about the cousins.

springytate · 04/06/2013 09:22

In answer to your q: yes it is unbelievably rude, normal for today.

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