wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

Renaldo, I see you think an evening do is naff. So you would prefer to decline an evening do invite than accept? Fine, then decline it, like you would anything else you thought naff, like a fancy dress party or whatever.

This couple are having the wedding they can afford for all the people they want - that's the 100 people going to the meal. The others are "nice to haves" but if suddenly evening only invites became illegal, those people wouldn't be invited to the whole day, they'd not be invited at all.

They are having the wedding they can afford... at a very expensive posh venue, which has no connection to the bride's home parish.

the b&g could very probably 'afford' a wedding in a more appropriate venue and include family. As they have chosen a very expensive venue, they have to limit the numbers because they 'can't afford' to invite everyone to the posh venue.

who was it went to a wedding where the guest numbers were severely limited at the breakfast, but they had a hot air balloon and doves somehwere at the festivities? That sounds about par for the course for 'today' ie do what you want, fuck the guests. But send them a present list. The guests are, after all, lucky to be invited and stand in the presence, lucky to be allowed to buy the happy couple gifts. It's all about bowing to the b&g, worshipping at their alter. People genuinely believe this is how it should be; and to be hurt or offended about it is to be bitter, selfish, 'old' ('old' being the ultimate faux pas and disgrace).

Guests? or audience?

My nephew married abroad. Expensive wedding, not many of the family could attend because of the prohibitive expense of getting and staying there (this was intentional, it turned out - the groom said 'why should I pay for people I don't know'? When the people he 'didn't know' had sent him birthday cards and presents throughout his life - no thanks, no reply, no return.). The people he 'didn't know' were nonetheless supplied with a present list - we had always been good for presents. They promised a 'wedding' back in blighty at a later date. We all duly turned up - to a thumping disco in a dark underground venue. Their 80s grandparents sat on stools, hearing aids turned off, doing their very best to support the happy couple. No-one spoke to them.

They are getting married in London at a church where the bride's family has been married in the past. That seems fair.

There are probably not a lot of venues in London that host more than 100 people anyway.

The venue is in east London whilst the ceremony is in central London - it may well be lower cost because of the non-central location. I suspect some scouting and some compromising has been done to get a venue and the church on the same day, which is a Saturday, therefore not obliging most people to take a day off work (also a selfish no no to some people)

This is a big family. What if there are a similar number of cousins on the bride's mother's side, and ditto for the groom's mother and father. Suddenly they need a venue for closer to 200. Maybe they don't want 200 people at their wedding.

Yes, 200 people in central london is expensive. As will the horse-drawn gold coach the bride arrives in I expect. Then they'd have to pay for the streets to be cleared and police protection, marksmen etc.

I sincerely doubt that there are 'not a lot of venues in London that host more than 100 people'.

In my opinion you should have the wedding you can afford for all the people you want there.
And what if you can't afford to have everyone you want whatever you do?

You have it in the registry office and then stream the reception over the Internet from your living room. That way you can be sure that no one enjoys the day.

Is that not good then? I was going to do the streaming! Oh bum! Back to the drawing board!

But maybe by inviting absolutely everyone to everything you dilute the enjoyment of those who go? And you'll get people moaning that x, y, z wasn't provided because you had to cut your cloth to invite 100 family members to everything because some people can't handle the fact that - shock - there are some people more important to the couple than they are.

Meh. You can't win.

I think the couple have been very thoughtless not to issue an invitation to your MIL with the phrase + 1. It is a bit much to expect an elderly lady to attend without a companion, even if they didn't want the OP and her DH to be at the breakfast and a +1 would have solved this.

I had promised myself to stay away from this but really have to ask TheDoctrine how " .....obliging most people to take a day off work (also a selfish no no to some people) " fits into the concept of a wedding?

Two people decide to get married and decide how they want to celebrate the day, when they want to celebrate it, how much money they wish to spend on that celebration, and who they would like to invite. They issue those invitations.
No-one is obligated to attend well other than the B&G ... lets face it, it is not unknown for parents to have opted out !!

Certainly if you don't care sufficiently about seeing them married that you would be happy to use a days' leave for it, then why bother going anyway?
If you don't like the date, the time, the style or the other guests then you have the absolute right to decline.

It only becomes "selfish" if people feel so 'entitled' that they see weddings as parties which they have the right to attend, and are then irritated because the details and agenda don't suit.

It all strikes me as a bit precious, and if there is a straight choice between who has the right to feel precious and entitled on a wedding day, my vote goes with the couple who are getting married and (usually) paying through the nose to enjoy their celebration!

I should have used "one"!! ..... and appreciate that your post was actually in support of couples making their own decisions. Picking up on the line about Saturdays from it did not acknowledge the rest of your comment.

Mea culpa!

missmarple but since the MIL is recently widowed, do you not think that adding "+1" to her invitation, soon after she's lost her husband, might come across as insensitive? I think in her position, even if it was well-intentioned, I'd be upset. A note added to the invitation, expressing their hopes that she'll come and asking if bringing a companion might make things easier, maybe.

Anyway, we don't know what arrangements the hosts have made for the MIL because the OP's husband refuses to phone up and ask, and is just assuming they won't have bothered.

Does the invitation specify a dress code?

Be a celeb for a day - have a wedding! Have fawning fans! Pay stupid money to promote your celeb status! Your fans will have to pay through the nose for the privilege - if they get on the fan list.

Marriage? What's that? oh yeah, right. Ok, we'll see to that when it comes.

But for ONE DAY you can be a celeb!

Crikey there are some miserable entitled whingers on this thread.

its an invitation not a summons. If you don't like it, don't go. there's no obligation to send a gift.

the OP and springytale etc are basically saying that the B&G should have no say in how they get married, just so long as they invite every last distant surviving relative for the entire day. Maccie D's in the back of the pub car park should suffice.

I am extremely pleased I don't have any of you miserable lot in my family or social group! You would have been mortified at my lack of social graces at inviting certain cousins and not others (depending on closeness), inviting one half of some married couples, and not making special arrangements for grandparents.

Blimey.

Wow springytale - you seem very bitter about all of this and are being quite ridiculous.

The way you describe this particular case, yanbu at all x

Springtate, why on earth shouldn't the bride and groom feel ultra special, centre of attention and totally fawned over on their big day?

It's probably the only time it will happen so let them. It's not particularly a reflection of how little/much they've thought about their married lives afterwards.

You do sound bitter actually. What's wrong?

Yes, hortensemancini, I think your idea of a personal note saying to bring along a companion would be better phrased than my suggestion of an invitation with +1.

Oh good mumngran I was worried I hadn't been clear.

my lack of social graces at inviting certain cousins and not others (depending on closeness), inviting one half of some married couples , and not making special arrangements for grandparents

Well, that had me ROLLING I tell ya hahahahahaha

Blimey indeed hahahahahahaha

Un-bel-iev-able ignorance. But there we go! YOu're a celeb so it doens't matter how outrageous you are. It's your day!

I've heard it all now hahahahahahaha

I did the same, mind. I was totally ridiculous on the day. But I did invite everybody - didn't separate married couples and all that - and paid through the nose, yes. They didn't buy a thing, apart from presents. And travel. And accommodation. And outfits.

I am slightly awestruck by inviting one half of married couples. They must have asked if their spouses were invited?

garlicgrump I'm sure I have seen at least a couple of threads on here where people's partners haven't been invited to weddings. It's the next 'new norm' with wedding arrangements, I bet. After all, why would you invite someone's lifetime partner to an event to celebrate your own lifetime partnership?