wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

In which case, its financial!!

Talking to the family about arrangements for MIL?

how often do you see this cousin?

Every family occasion squeaky and if I'm not mistaken this is a family occasion; as her parents ruby wedding was; as her nephews and nieces christenings were; as our silver wedding will be.

No I haven't called the fathr of the bride and neither wil DH. Surely it is his job to lOok after his widowed sister; not mine to make sure he does. He has not offered therefore DH will make sure she is looked after.

It sounds as though they have only invited those members of the family they are close to for the wedding breakfast and everyone else to the evening do.

That is the substance of this wedding. And it sounds OK to me.

I think you said it yourself in your very first post - you are not that important to the bride.
Sometimes we have to live with the reality of family dynamics.
However, as this is your DH's family, and he is OK with it, actually .... you need to be as well. You aren't obligated to invite them to the silver wedding!

When I got married, I made sure that elderly relatives were very well looked after. I didn't put the details in the invitations though. I think you should get clarity on this before you slag them off OP..

Op, which 20 people do the family on the bride's father's side think shouldn't have been invited to the meal?

He has not offered therefore DH will make sure she is looked after .... and I really would be careful on this one, as I have seen a similar muddle caused by an elderly relative. Truly the elderly get uptight, and there is every possibility that arrangements have been made. Cross posting has nothing on cross-organising for creating spectacular fall-out

mumgran whether I am irrelevant to the bride or not is not as important as how important to her (and to her parents who are also hosts) her aunt, MIL, is. DH and I seem to be important enough to receive full details of the gift list at the naice london department store.

I recall on a similar thread a while back that a poster said she had decided that she would not be attending any more weddings until her own DCs got married.

Very sensible IMO, saves an awful lot of bile.

I no longer see a wedding invitation as a social obligation. If I like the sound of the event then I will buy a ticket gift and go. If it sounds like an arse aching bore then I stay home and watch television.

has your MIL spoken to her brother, her neice or any of the family members directly involved in organising the wedding then?

do you hold the bride in low regard,you've been scathing throughout
I think the wedding has been a catalyst for other issues you seem to have
you seem utterly obsessed with etiquette and should do,as opposed to manners

So the bride wants to get married where her parents did? Not sure what is wrong with that? Sounds kind of nice to me.

Question? How often do you see this cousin? Are you part of her daily life? Personally in the 13 years since I invited my 5 cousins to my wedding I think I have seen them 0, 2, 5, 6 and 8 times. Lovely people but I know my dentist better.

On the other hand my "fair weather work mates" - who are also my friends - are the people who I see every day, several of whom have spent the last month sleeping with their phones on and next to them in case I need emergency childcare and one of whom last Sunday cancelled her bank holiday day out plans whilst already on the way to come and look after dd for us whilst I gave birth to ds.

I think family is what you make it and my "family" are the people I share my life with - some of whom I am related to and some of whom a not. Sharing a set of grandparents is really not that important to me.

I retire, as this seems to be more about venting over an already fixed viewpoint, than actually wanting to know if a viewpoint is reasonable or not.

MIL's brother knows she has difficulties with organising social stuff and that she needs a certain degree of maintenance which I really do believe has been abdicated in this instance.

OP you don't know how important your MIL is to them because you haven't asked them about it.

But sure why would you? It's so much better to slag them off and paint yourself, your DH and your MIL as poor, put upon victims who are martyring yourselves for this wedding. Please don't go. Your contempt for the bridal party is such that you would only sour the atmosphere.

I think it was Springy who nailed it with this really being about a basic clash of what your culture of marriage is here.

One group of people think it's a massive honour to be in the presence of the B&G on their wedding day for any amount of time and are happy to be treated accordingly.

One group of people think it's a massive honour to have family/friends who are prepared to support you in your commitment to each other/before God and that you treat them accordingly.

It's fairly irreconcilable really, so I am bowing out.

You seem to have a very fixed idea about roles and expectations of behaviour within your husband's family. The thing is, it appears that some of them don't hold the same view.

marriedinwhiteagain
"MIL's brother knows she has difficulties with organising social stuff and that she needs a certain degree of maintenance which I really do believe has been abdicated in this instance."

But you don't know that because you haven't spoken to anyone about their arrangements.

Just get your H to phone his uncle and ask him if there is anyone who can look after your MIL throughout the day.

They may already have very detailed plans.

I am clearly the nastiest, unkindest person on this earth according to the rules of MNet. FWIW I don't think MIL's feelings have been very well regarded here notwithstanding mine.

Totally agree with WorrySighWorrySigh's 21.03 post. If people want their guests to be obliging they should be prepared to be appropriately obliging themselves, rather than expecting them to conveniently fade into the background at the bits where they're not wanted, and appear again with presents in hand later in the day.

OP, I would ring the bride's dad and ask the question about who is going to be on hand to help out MIL. You're right that an elderly relative like this deserves it.

Op, it's just not about your feelings. Nor your mil's.

It's all very childish.

Grow up a bit and stop sounding so bitter about sweet FA.

I understand why you are concerned about what will happen to MIL.

But until you have proof (by speaking to them) that the bride's family don't intend to look after her on the day, you really are jumping the gun.

Oh do get down off the Cross OP. There's an energy crisis and we need the wood.

You asked AIBU. Some people said "yes", others said "no". Your true feelings for this bride and her family have been clear from the off, so you shouldn't be surprised when you were called on them.

The fact is your DH was so OK with it that you rowed with him over it. Your MIL is desperate to go, so she must be OK with it.

You should accept their choice and say no more. Instead, you are creating problems that you do not know exist. You are casting a shadow on their family celebrations and I can't see that dwelling on it will make any of you any happier.

Can you OP?