wedding invitation - unbelievably rude or normal for today?

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Have received a wedding invitation from one of DH's cousins and her parents.

DH and I are invited to the evening do on the other side of London. 7.30

The wedding itself is in Central London at 2pm and we have been told we are welcome to attend that and it would be lovely if we do.

We have also received a covering note saying we aren't invited to the actual wedding breakfast because of expense/limit on numbers.

DH's elderly mother, now the most senior member of the family has been invited to the wedding breakfast and is not robust enough to cope with a full on day without being looked after, etc.

I think this is so wrong on so many counts: the expectation that we will dress up for an event in the middle of the day (both work full time) then have time to waste either coming home to cross London again later or have our own afternoon meal whilst killing time. The message that you have a whole day at my disposal but no although I want you there you aren't important enough to be catered for or for the formal part of the "do"

Also, DH's mother MIL is their guest, they know she will have to be taken to the wedding (at the church where she got married), taken to the reception, escorted to the evening party and brought home. Yet no effort has been made by the bride's family to offer to book her a london hotel, meet her from the station, etc. I think we are expected to care for their guest although it has beenmade crystal clear we are tier two guests, ie, not that important to the bride.

Now I think this is taking the piss big time and we should just formally decline adding a note that we trust they are liaising with MIL over her travel plans as she is elderly and a key family member. DH thinks we should just suck it up. We have had a rare row over this.

So, does the MNet jury think I'm being unreasonable? and if the little madam expects a present from me ....

I can't imagine not inviting both members of a couple, a new bf/gf who've been together a few months when the wedding happens probably not but couples come in pairs surely. Even if you know one wont come (work, child care etc) you still invite them??

The only time I've been pissed off with a wedding invitation was one where my partner was invited and not me. However, I was only pissed off because the guests were paying for their own meals. If it had been a "normal" reception, I probably wouldn't have minded at all, but if there was literally no extra cost to the B&G, well!

I refused to invite them to my wedding at all as a result. Petty? You betcha.

LittleBearPad I'm sure I have seen it justified to invite only one of a couple who have been together for a decent while - or are even married/living together - because the bride and groom are friends with one half of the couple but 'don't really know' their partner!

AnnOnaMaus that's outrageous!

And as a result of all this I couldn't give a monkeys.

You have to draw the line somewhere and we were happy where we did. I've paid out for my fair share of weddings (I think the most was 10 in one year including 2 abroad).

B&G should make their own decisions and have the day they want. if they want to be surrounded by 250 guests and have maccie d's in the pub car park and feel like martyrs - fine. if they want to have 25 people and invite them to Claridges for lunch - also fine.

and feel like martyrs?

Hey, come on - you may feel like a martyr if you did that, but not everybody would. Having respect for your guests is not being a martyr. But not everyone gets that.

ok, I get it now. To give up the sleb wedding, the dream, for the sake of your guests would be being a martyr. Right, got it (took me a while).

I am genuinely trying to get this. re 'I've paid out for my fair share of weddings'. Explain it to me somebody?

And I am completely at a loss as to why I should spend my hard earned cash in a way I don't want to - purely so that some cousins twice-removed who I see at most once every 5 years can have a nice day out at my expense.

Wow Springytate, you sound so bitter. Are you only invited to the weddings of people you have absolutely no respect for?

Spring - you are obsessed with this celeb thing! What fucking celeb thing exactly are you talking about? We didn't invite lots of family to our wedding - on my side alone it would have been well over 100 people right there. What would you purpose for me to do to be able to afford all of these guests whilst providing them with food drink etc, as well as me enjoying my own wedding (bitch that I am to want that)?

For the majority of people we're talking about how many people they either want to have to their wedding, or how many people they can afford to entertain to a standard they think is reasonable for a guest (ie feed them, provide drink etc). It's not usualy about a celeb wedding (whatever that means).

There is a programme on BBC 3, in which the groom is given money to arrange the wedding and the bride is apparently not allowed to be involved.

I have been surprised by how many brides are prepared to throw hissy fits if they don't like the dress or the venue: many say if they don't like the dress they will not get married. The overall stated ambition of many of the brides is that they want to be a princess or a celebrity for the day.

Of course, it could all be staged for the cameras and each to their own but maybe that is where some people glean their view that weddings can be seen as faux celebrity events.

As I think I said, at length, upthread: weddings - therefore marriages - used to be about the community. People back in the day understood that a marriage doesn't survive by the efforts of the two people involved, but lots of people. These days, people genuinely think their marriages will survive by their own efforts. hence probably one of the reasons for the high divorce rates.

Anyways, what has taken the place of a union between families/communities through two people has become a party for the b&g. Add to that the obsession with celebs - and it is a small step to people taking the opportunity to be their own celebs for the day. It is obvious that this has happened - I wondered why the offence at it being pointed out.

I would invite my whole family because I would want them to know that I honour their presence and, in turn, I want them to care about us and support us as we go through married life.

I am not bitter, no (not sure what you mean by bitter? a differing opinion?) It is from my nephew's wedding I realise that 'these days' people couldn't give a flying fuck for community/family; actually are unaware that it exists (maybe it doesn't any more?). It follows that, that being the case, people feel justified to please themselves at their wedding, invite whomever they choose; with no regard for the offence caused, the very obvious slights... under the auspices that it's bloody expensive, so why should we invite someone we couldn't care less about? It's telling that what I am saying is causing offence and bewilderment (what's she talking about? she must be bitter, yes that's it!), when it wouldn't have been such a foreign concept at all not that long ago.

I am saying that imo that is not what marriage is about. And that is marriage , not the wedding . It's all become about the wedding. Which I think is missing the point.

To repeat what I said in my original post way back: these are different viewpoints. I'd have to say, obvs, that I feel strongly about the need for community/family in a marriage and therefore find the me, me, me of weddings - which give rise to things like inviting one half a married couple and not the other (and being proud of it! ) - a real turn-off, sad and bewildering.

Sure, but people were much more likely to have relatives locally, friends locally etc so local church and local church hall were much more doable.

Now if people are travelling, staying overnight etc I bet there would be some complaining about spending lots on an outfit, gift and hotel, only to get a sausage roll and some party games.

Essentially, the B&G can never please everybody so let's at least hope they loved their own wedding day.

It's the opposite, Dione - I have total respect for the b&g and I take my presence as a guest seriously. Marriage isn't easy, I want them to survive, I don't want them to get hurt, I want them to be, and raise, a happy family. I'm right behind them.

Why not, then, have a really lovely day, that everyone can get to, that isn't absurdly princess expensive? It's mad imo. It's just a day . I suppose it depends on what you think special is and means and what you are prepared to do to get it. Whatever it is (to quote charlie).

My maid of honor is getting married this year and did the same when inviting my in laws. I was outraged as the meal is only a buffet/hog roast thing. I think do one or the other as its such a piss take - in laws are attending the eve only, I suggest you do the same

Missmarple, I think the clue is in the fact they're making a telly show. Most peo

(Hit post too soon)

Most people who want to be on Tv, would like to be celebrities.

springytate are you the OP in disguise, that is, posting under another name?!

I suspect we are a similar age

On the community aspect: when DH and I got married 25 plus years ago, part of the marriage service in the Book of Common Prayer (Episcopal Church in the US) was the priest asking the congregation if they would uphold us in our marriage, to which the congregation responded, "we will." I remember that as pretty powerful.

What the OP and springy are misunderstanding is that people don't all live in the same town as they I'd growing up. Or that their families all live longer, so instead of one or two generations at a wedding, you now have 4 plus. Meaning many many more people than might have been at weddings 25 years ago. And all those cousins you had h e spouses and children. It's not feasible to cater for all of them and make it convenient for everyone as the scale and geography is just different now.

As for community. Well that has a very different meaning to people of my generation to yours. We don't have local family nearby necessarily, so friends have taken their place.

An as for a venue that suited everybody, I had guests from Canada, the US, UAE and Europe. Where do you suggest we pick?

Scone, they do that in C of E churches here.