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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed with this woman....

129 replies

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:31

First ever post, so bear with me and apologies if I waffle!

My husband and I emigrated to Canada (away from all family and friends) 10months ago for his work. 1 month after getting here I had our DD and since then we've moved house twice and I've been very low with the stress and how lonely it can be with a reflux baby with dairy and soy allergies. There are other expats out here, but they really keep to themselves and haven't been welcoming. We've hosted numerous parties at our house and I try to get 'the wives' together once a week, but honestly, it exhausting and nobody else ever organises anything.

Anyway, I told you I'd waffle!

One of DHs old work colleagues has recently emigrated here too with his wife and their 1year old DS. After we've had such a tough transition, I really wanted to make sure they felt welcomed and supported. We see them a few times a week and its been great for me and DD as we finally have friends!

We are going back to the UK for a holiday soon and I wanted to do a welcome to Canada party at a local park to make sure they knew a few people before we left for a month.

I'm getting to the point now...

I'd set a date and invited people over, but since organising this, DHs work have changed their shift patterns and he would now be working till 5pm on the day of the party. I've contacted everyone I invited and gave 2 options. 1) we do the party later in the day at our house so DH doesn't have to rush about after work or 2) we do it on the Sunday.

I've had 2 replies so far saying they want to do it as planned at the park on Saturday and will go ahead without me and DH.

AIBU to be massively put out by this? We organised the party and now it looks like it will go ahead without us!

OP posts:
GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 18:35

Why can't you go without DH?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 30/05/2013 18:37

I can see why you are miffed but if people have already made plans then its unfair for you to expect them all to change their plans just because you have.

Why can't you go without dh?

DoctorAnge · 30/05/2013 18:38

He is only working until 5. Am I
Missing something but why can't he just join you?

DawnOfTheDee · 30/05/2013 18:38

Maybe they think they're being helpful i.e. not wanting you to go to any bother reorganising?

Could you go by yourself and DH catch up with you later?

LulaPalooza · 30/05/2013 18:40

I understand that you are trying to be helpful and friendly but in your post you come across as perhaps a little controlling and bossy, even if you are doing this with a good heart and with good intentions. I think you need to step back a bit.

It must have been really hard for you to settle in Canada and get a social life, friends etc and I do think you are trying to be kind but this is about a bunch of people, not just you.

So, I can see why you might feel a little sidelined now, but I don't think you have any right to feel "massively put out". The set date and time works for the other people.

Why can't you go with DD and DH join you later?

You've said that the blossoming friendship has been good for you and DD, don't get churlish about it now and destroy that. Think of the bigger picture.

LulaPalooza · 30/05/2013 18:41

PS I say the above as someone who has the tendency to be bossy and controlling without realising it!

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 30/05/2013 18:41

Why can't you go?

suckmabigtoe · 30/05/2013 18:43

Goodness, you sound like hard work!

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:47

Wow, not what I was expecting! I suppose I did this to see what others think!

I don't drive so can't go without DH. Honestly I get freaked out (must be my controlling nature) going out of the house for any length of time with DD without him to reassure me.

OP posts:
LulaPalooza · 30/05/2013 18:52

This is AIBU, so people tend to be a bit blunter on these threads, Chelt.

voucherprocon · 30/05/2013 18:52

Go without DH. They have public transport there right? You will cope and there are other people there so you won't be by yourself.

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 18:56

I think this goes deeper than just the picnic. If you can't drive and can't go out without your DP what do you do all day? Do you think not going out is the reason why you've found it hard to meet people? It must be very lonely. I'm an expat myself and understand what it's like, even though I'm very outgoing.

People have already committed to the day so you might have to grin and bear it. Can you get your friend to give you a ride there?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 30/05/2013 18:57

I think YABU but I can see why

Can you just join them when your DH gets back? Maybe get a lift with someone else? It would be good to learn to go out without your DH more, your confidence will grow as your little one gets older

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:57

Maybe there should be a cuddly first time AIBU section!! Smile

Just reread my original post and maybe it wasn't clear about who I'm miffed at! Miffed with the women that are already here, not the new expats. They're being flexible!

No public transport to the park either, hence my suggestion at doing it at our house.

OP posts:
LedaOfSparta · 30/05/2013 18:58

Can you reply and say you'd love to get out the house and join them as planned, would anyone be available to swing by and pick you up?

Is there decent public transport where you are?

Boomba · 30/05/2013 19:01

Get a lift with friends and go with dd

Ruprekt · 30/05/2013 19:02

I think you should start trying to go out without DH as that could be a terrible strain on DH esp as he is working and you are not (i presume)

Get a taxi with your DD to the party and get DH to meet you there.

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 19:02

It's a lovely thought to make your friends feel welcome and I expect they are appreciative of your gesture. I can understand how you feel pushed out by these people's responses, especially if they actually did mean they would carry on without both of you! However, perhaps they have other things on that weekend. Don't give up on the idea though. Go yourself and get DP to meet you there later, after work.

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 19:03

Could it be that they didn't actually realise you wouldn't be coming?

Justfornowitwilldo · 30/05/2013 19:03

I'm sorry but they aren't being unreasonable. Honestly. And with a 9 month old baby, no public transport and not driving no wonder you feel isolated. And part of the reason you get freaked going out without your DH will be that you don't go out without your DH IYSWIM.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 19:11

" I try to get 'the wives' together once a week, but honestly, it exhausting and nobody else ever organises anything."

Maybe they have actually integrated into life in Canada and dont actually really enjoy "getting the wives together", and being part of an "expat community"?

You would not believe the amount of people who gush "Oh I know somebody from Norway, you must meet her, lovely woman, such a great family" errr.... Hmm Why oh why do people think I must meet other Norwegians like we are some endangered species? I honestly dont! I did not move out of Norway to socialize with Norwegians. Hello!

If I were you I would focus on getting to know your neighbours and going out to local stuff. And, get a driving license!

DoctorAnge · 30/05/2013 19:14

Oh I see. Do you get panicky/ anxious without your DH?
That must be hard for you. But your pals probably have no idea about this and are just expecting you to rock up on your own .... Tricky. You may have to do something another time. A shame but if you can't face it you can't face it.

Your friends are in no way BU though.

honeytea · 30/05/2013 19:16

I'd call around and ask the other mums for a lift, what about the new mum if they only have one child there will be space in the car for you and the baby.

yabu to expect everyone to change plans because you husband can't make it. I think that it is likely that everyone is busy either in the evening or on Sunday, personally my weekends are fully booked for the next 6 weeks because it is summer, in February I had nothing to do

You seem to have a lot of focus on the ex-pat community, are you in an English speaking part of Canada and if not can you speak/are you learning French? I live in Sweden, I moved here 2.5 years ago, I have learnt enough Swedish to chat to the Swedish mums, I find it really important to have both ex-pat friends and Swedish friends especially as my Swedish friends tend to live closer so it is logistically easier to meet up. I have some lovely English speaking friends but it is wrong to assume that you are bound to be great friends just because you share the language or passport.

If you are worried about going out with the baby alone just think what the worst thing that could happen is, so if the baby poos all over their clothes or cries you will both survive, it is likely that you will both have a fab time but if something goes wrong you will cope especially if your with other mums who can help you if something doesn't work out.

Ipp3 · 30/05/2013 19:19

Um,I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is your party and I think it is astonishing that people would even comtemplate going ahead woth a party you organised without you. I don't think you sound like hard work at all. I think you sound lovely. Organising a welcome party was a lovely idea.

flanbase · 30/05/2013 19:21

That's nice that the party will go ahead as people will meet up and this is what you wanted to happen