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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed with this woman....

129 replies

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:31

First ever post, so bear with me and apologies if I waffle!

My husband and I emigrated to Canada (away from all family and friends) 10months ago for his work. 1 month after getting here I had our DD and since then we've moved house twice and I've been very low with the stress and how lonely it can be with a reflux baby with dairy and soy allergies. There are other expats out here, but they really keep to themselves and haven't been welcoming. We've hosted numerous parties at our house and I try to get 'the wives' together once a week, but honestly, it exhausting and nobody else ever organises anything.

Anyway, I told you I'd waffle!

One of DHs old work colleagues has recently emigrated here too with his wife and their 1year old DS. After we've had such a tough transition, I really wanted to make sure they felt welcomed and supported. We see them a few times a week and its been great for me and DD as we finally have friends!

We are going back to the UK for a holiday soon and I wanted to do a welcome to Canada party at a local park to make sure they knew a few people before we left for a month.

I'm getting to the point now...

I'd set a date and invited people over, but since organising this, DHs work have changed their shift patterns and he would now be working till 5pm on the day of the party. I've contacted everyone I invited and gave 2 options. 1) we do the party later in the day at our house so DH doesn't have to rush about after work or 2) we do it on the Sunday.

I've had 2 replies so far saying they want to do it as planned at the park on Saturday and will go ahead without me and DH.

AIBU to be massively put out by this? We organised the party and now it looks like it will go ahead without us!

OP posts:
Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:26

I was mostly being daft Hmm

but, i'll play....OP suggested moving the party to her house, not me. She suggested later (presumably for when her DH got in) which may have been inconvenient for people. So, my suggestion of doing at her house, but keeping the time the same as original (DH joins when he gets in) was not intednded to actually leave the idiots in the park, but to keep as many of the original arrangements the same, and so limit inconvenience

For me, a party is about your frinds/the people there...not the venue

AmandaPayneNeedsANap · 30/05/2013 21:27

I think the worrying thing here is that your first response to this situation is that the party would happen without you. It is ok to be a miffed that people aren't noticing how hard you are finding it. But I think a normal next response would be to think about how to get around it - the things that others have said like getting a lift, getting a taxi, etc.

You sound like you are rather isolated and are maybe developing self esteem issues. Why are you saying that you are a burden to your DH? If lack of a second car is making you isolated and cutting you off, then you and your DH need to work out how to either afford one or how he can get to work without it and leave it for you.

Seriously, I think the issue is how you are feeling about your family and your location, not the picnic per se. Have you tried telling the friends you can't get to the park because you don't have a car?

Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:28

but no....i do think you are a massive liar actually, if you say you would be completely un-harumphed by the situation the OP describes

AmandaPayneNeedsANap · 30/05/2013 21:29

Chelt - in the nicest possible way, you have to learn how to fly solo when parenting. You can't spend the next months and years scared to go out without your dH. Do you think maybe you might benefit to talking to someone professional?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:30

Me too, Boomba.

I agree with you that a party is about your friends and the venue isn't so important. Maybe that's the rub... these people aren't Chelt's friends or if they are, just aren't as invested inthe friendship.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 21:30

I notice Chelt that you are getting a lot of helpful suggestions, but you are only thanking the one poster that has called the rest of us liars....

Hmm
Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:32

sounds that way lying

they sound damn rude IMO. No wonder they are lonely Grin

MissStrawberry · 30/05/2013 21:33

Maybe look into parenting classes as a 9 month olds tantrums are a piece of cake compared to what a 2-3 year old can do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:34

I wouldn't have done what the OP did in the first place, Boomba, I'm not that nice. As a recent expat myself, I'd probably not be taking it on myself to arrange parties to welcome other expats.

I don't know how I'd feel in the OP's situation; she hasn't yet answered the question about the newly expat couple. Also, it depends on how many were invited (to get an idea of the impact of 2-4 people insistent on meeting in the park). What were the responses of the other guests? Maybe they're going along with OP's rearrangements?

I'm generally not a liar; I'd say that I might feel a little bit foolish or wrong-footed but 'miffed'? No.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 21:34

LyingWitch, it may be not just that the people are not Chelts friends, but they are roped in on a Welcome to Canada party for people who arent either! They are welcoming strangers to Canada.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 21:38

I am sorry, I am suddenly confused.

You organized a party, but how will you be there to organize anything if you were planning to be home until your dh got home, and then make party arrangements together? Will you arrange food? tables? Entertainment? Caterers? Will any of that happen regardless of you? Or did you just arrange for people to turn up and bring their own picnic, so nothing had to be pre-arranged by you? If so, it is not really a party, just people meeting up at the park?! Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:39

Boomba... it looks like I'm only talking to you now! Grin

I looked into emigrating to Canada a couple of years back, all the way up to looking at the culture and society and it seemed, essentially, in a broad, sweeping thing, that it's like the English culture of yester-year (which is truly what appealed to me). OP sounds very sociable; I am not. I would probably slot right in (and I can speak French). I would probably have gone over to Canada in my own right and maybe that's the difference - my 'life' would have already had a structure whereas Chelt's doesn't yet.

I think it takes time and for a new expat, desperate for friendship, the time it takes can seem exceedingly slow. For the established, it's all a bit much to be 'whisked up' in arrangements.

Chelt's done nothing wrong at all, it sounds a bit miserble for her at the moment. I hope the French lessons will really help things along and make her feel part of things, ditto getting some new friends with similar interests rather than trying to fit into an 'established' group of frends, perhaps?

I don't know; I was tryng to be supportive and helpful but I can be a tad irrascible at times... not Canadian at all. Blush

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:41

Possibly, Quint, I'm not altogether sure from the OP's posts what the situation actually is.

MissStrawberry · 30/05/2013 21:42

And to be fair you gave them he option to carry on without you, they just took it,

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:42

Sorry Quintessential, I'm trying to keep up with messages and look after a busy DD too!

Thank you for your advice too!

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 30/05/2013 21:42

I completely disagree missstrawberry. I had a colicky, refluxy, high needs dd1. The first year was hell. I now have 3 dc, but no 2 year old tantrum was a patch on one of dd1s meltdowns.

Francagoestohollywood · 30/05/2013 21:45

Eeeer, those people do sound rude.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/05/2013 21:47

Chelt - this could be the perfect opportunity to fight your agrophobia. You can go on your own, and know DH will be turning up for support later.

You may find that seeing you out and about without your DH opens more social opportunities, too. People may have picked up on your fear and not wanted to overstep the mark.

It's worth trying. Honestly. Life changes completely.

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:56

Blindly, I'm confused too now!

To clarify, DHs friends who have just moved to Canada are being totally flexible.

The current expats out here are the ones I'm whining about! Smile

I wasn't going to get caterers etc for a park, but was going to do a BBQ for people.

Quint, I suppose it would essentially be people meeting up, but isn't that the same as any party?

Lying, is miffed really a strong word to describe the situation? You're right, maybe 'friends' is too solid a word to describe these people! I'd invited 26, 8 replied and then 2 had said they would go ahead and organise the BBQ as planned at the park whether or not we come.

MissS, people have told me that nothing compares to the first year of a high needs baby...I hope they're right!!

OP posts:
BobblyGussets · 30/05/2013 21:56

You are just at a low ebb, OP. First baby, new country, no car, bloody freezing, no proper mates or family, fuck, I'd be leaving DH to it and I am very attached to him, and fond of him after nearly 20 years.

Just go easy on yourself. If surviving means taking the easy option for now, just do it, until you and your daughter become a bit more robust.

I hope your DH realizes how much you have given up for his job and treats you accordingly.

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:59

To anyone that mentioned it, a car is our priority when we get the money, but we've had money tied up in property. Hopefully that'll make me more independent again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 22:01

Just seen Quintessential, I supported DH 100% with the move. He really is fantastic and I took it upon myself to rearrange party stuff. My fault for creating the shit storm!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 22:03

Thanks Bobbly. I have been very close to getting on a plane with DD on several occasions! Think it may have caused a few more problems though!! Smile

I quite like taking the easy option Smile

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 22:05

Chelt... you're entitled to feel any way you want about the situation - miffed or anything else. Everybody is different. It does sound quite tough.

So, you have 6-8 who are going to do what? Come to your house? Go to the park? They all sound very laid back - too laid back for you at the moment when you need some 'definite support' around you at the moment.

In your position, I'd pull back from organising and see what other people are doing - join in with their plans and make some new friends that way, maybe?

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2013 22:09

I'm sorry, but you sound a complete and utter controlling and over zealous PITA and if I came across you, I would run for the hills. (And I'm an expat.)

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