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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed with this woman....

129 replies

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:31

First ever post, so bear with me and apologies if I waffle!

My husband and I emigrated to Canada (away from all family and friends) 10months ago for his work. 1 month after getting here I had our DD and since then we've moved house twice and I've been very low with the stress and how lonely it can be with a reflux baby with dairy and soy allergies. There are other expats out here, but they really keep to themselves and haven't been welcoming. We've hosted numerous parties at our house and I try to get 'the wives' together once a week, but honestly, it exhausting and nobody else ever organises anything.

Anyway, I told you I'd waffle!

One of DHs old work colleagues has recently emigrated here too with his wife and their 1year old DS. After we've had such a tough transition, I really wanted to make sure they felt welcomed and supported. We see them a few times a week and its been great for me and DD as we finally have friends!

We are going back to the UK for a holiday soon and I wanted to do a welcome to Canada party at a local park to make sure they knew a few people before we left for a month.

I'm getting to the point now...

I'd set a date and invited people over, but since organising this, DHs work have changed their shift patterns and he would now be working till 5pm on the day of the party. I've contacted everyone I invited and gave 2 options. 1) we do the party later in the day at our house so DH doesn't have to rush about after work or 2) we do it on the Sunday.

I've had 2 replies so far saying they want to do it as planned at the park on Saturday and will go ahead without me and DH.

AIBU to be massively put out by this? We organised the party and now it looks like it will go ahead without us!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 22:11

Well MrsS, no need to be sorry! You sound far too athletic for me anyway!

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2013 22:14

Sorry, have now read the rest of the thread, YANBU, but I suspect you do come across as a bit "full on". (I am happily very antisocial.)

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 22:15

So in essence, it is not a "party" in the strict sense of the meaning, but a bring your own bbq in the park. Your role has been to suggest a date and invite people to meet up. If then you cant come, tough luck really. They are not dependent on you. Moving it till later, at a different venue, or another day at the original venue, because of your husbands work, is odd!

They have all made arrangements to come, and possibly planned around this gathering. Then moving it until later in the day at your house just might not be feasible. They might even have seen the park as the perfect venue to tell their other friends "Well be bbqing in the park, feel free to join us" It is pretty laid back.

All you have to do is bring your bbq and your daughter and get there, and he joins you!

fromparistoberlin · 30/05/2013 22:17

Awww OP I feel for you. Its must be hard, and lonely. I do think you need to chillax on the making friends but, it WILL happen

I emphasise, as was similar after DC1, I so wanted to make friends and coiuld not bear my own company

I do understand you feeling nervous to go out, but dO IT! get a safe mini cab and take a car seat, and go

dont take it personally, they wont know you are nervous/cant drive

cranverry · 30/05/2013 22:18

I have a lot of sympathy for you. We too emigrated to Canada and we've had our children here. It can be very lonely and you can end up feeling very isolated. Weve been here 4 years now and I would say that the first 9 months were the hardest and now were very settled with a big group of friends, mostly Canadians as ex pats are constantly coming and going.

But people are generally friendly and the great thing about Canada is that so many people are immigrants or second generation so it tends to be a very welcoming once you get used to living here. Try and put moving out your mind as you're unlikely to make any real friends if you have one foot out the door already.

fromparistoberlin · 30/05/2013 22:18

aww some lovely kind posts to a new mum in a strange country, struggling

NOT

biatches!

cranverry · 30/05/2013 22:19

Oh and I would be upset if a party I organized was going ahead without me. But please go and your H can join you later.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 22:25

What I am trying to say is, I think because it is "just" a meeting up in the park sort of laid back affair, rather than op hosting a party and laying out food and entertainment, people might treat it differently and more laid back. Some might even just turn up on the day without having given any indication they may come thinking "Oh, there is this BBQ in the park today, we can go there, the weather is so nice".

cranverry · 30/05/2013 22:27

That's exactly how I' would take it Quintessential. A lot of ex pats might not even be aware it's your party, they'll have been invited along to a BBQ in the park for ex pats.

honeytea · 30/05/2013 22:28

Baby groups are a great way to meet people and learn the language, they tend to be really casual and you can sit and listen without needing to add much to the conversation.

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 22:55

I will try and sort out a way to get there.

DH will probably just get there to take us back home though. DD is beyond reasonable if she isn't getting ready for bed by 6.30.

Also just thought...who's going to cook my BBQ if DH isn't there to man the coals?!!Smile

OP posts:
Boomba · 30/05/2013 23:00

Hope you have a nice time chelt. I know you is joking about DH manning the coals. But, make it easiest on yourself...take sangers/salad and a bottle of Pimms, in case dd kicks off and you have your hands full

Is she better outdoors? My 2 were much calmer out and about, and particularly in the park...i think with the noise and distractions of other kids playing maybe?

Hope it goes well, and you find some more deserving friends soon

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 23:03

Can you not just let her fall asleep in her pram?

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 23:10

Ha ha Quint, you are funny!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 23:13

I hope I find some nice mates too. I'm a bit sick of being the highly strung, PITA, bossy knobber no one wants to play with!

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 23:13

Grin My youngest is 8 next week. Does it show!?

ChimeForChange · 30/05/2013 23:20

No advice but been lurking on the thread and wanted to laugh along with chelt at quint.
My DD is 15 months. It's not fun being out late with her and everyone just suggests letting her fall asleep in her pram
......
......hahahahahaha. Yeah that don't want happen.
She doesn't fall asleep unless its pitch black, in my bed with boob in her mouth. (yeah yeah, my fault, I know!)

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 23:29

I know Chime! Funny thing is before we had DD, I was all like "The baby will fit into our lives. It's only a baby for Christ's sake!". Well, not so funny now!

My new mantra is do what you gotta do! Even if that means telling MN you will go to the party when you probably won't.... Is there a scaredy cat thingy?!

OP posts:
Hattie23 · 30/05/2013 23:56

Tell me if I've got this wrong but wasn't the party/bbq originally to be at the OPs house so obviously she could be there. The 2 friends have changed the venue to the park?

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 31/05/2013 00:04

BBQ was going to be at the park, my husband has to work that day, so I suggested either we do it at my house or the next day. The 'friends' want to stick with the original plan and would go ahead without me and DH if we couldn't come.

OP posts:
Hattie23 · 31/05/2013 00:13

Ah i see, thanks. Tricky one because i can see why people would want to stick to the original plan but i would also feel upset. Do the friends realise you currently have no way of getting to the park?

Original poster
Chelt1982 · 31/05/2013 00:20

Yup. Nobody is forthcoming with lift offers and I hate asking for favours constantly. I have nothing to offer in return apart from 'thanks'. I don't like feeling indebted to people!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2013 00:28

I am a gregarious, lovely person with masses of friends in the UK. I emigrated to Canada and found it VERY hard. I also got a bit agoraphobic and weirded out. BTW it's not just Quebec. I'm in Victoria, BC and people here are very different about making friends.

My tips; baby groups, hobbies, volunteering. It takes a long time to make old friends. Come over to Living Overseas and see if you can find any fellow Quebecois MNers. We have the Western Canadian Mumsnetters Quiche.

User212434884 · 31/05/2013 00:28

Chelt - I think there are two separate things going on here. My DD had severe reflux and the same allergies, so I know how relentless and isolating that is. I felt I couldn't leave the house for the first six months (miserable to go to a group where you're surrounded by mums whose babies sleep through while yours has never slept longer than 45 mins at a stretch, where you're the only one permanently drenched in sick, with seemingly the only baby that can scream inconsolably through the whole thing and can't be laid down for a second - any of that familiar...?). I got horribly depressed and cut myself off from everyone. BUT I got professional help for DDs reflux and my mental health, then got back out there. I've never looked back. I think it sounds like you have a proper mental health issue which is affecting your ability to function socially, and your confidence as a mother. It's not sustainable to rely on DH for either. It worries me that you now won't go, it sounds like you were looking for this thread to give you 'permission' to be miffed and pull out which is what you want to do, and no suggestions have changed that.

I think your current way of thinking may be causing you to put very strict conditions around which social situations you are comfortable in, and trying to make everyone fit in with your needs. The fact that you didn't try to find a solution that worked for everyone (just what worked for you) gives a clue to perhaps why your 'friends' have decided to exclude you (which I do think is really off, btw). Like others have said, the 'wives' don't sound like real friends and I'd stop forcing it if I was you and start looking for other people who are on your wave length (and actually nice, like the couple you mention). It's weird that no one else arranges things or invites you back, and there must be a reason.

Get yourself some decent therapy and a French course, try new ways of meeting people, and things might start falling into place.

Hattie23 · 31/05/2013 00:31

You're not in a good place are you? My advice for what its worth - if you really want to keep trying with these friendships is deep breath and book a taxi. But are they really worth it? I can't imagine a true friend not offering you a lift.