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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be miffed with this woman....

129 replies

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 18:31

First ever post, so bear with me and apologies if I waffle!

My husband and I emigrated to Canada (away from all family and friends) 10months ago for his work. 1 month after getting here I had our DD and since then we've moved house twice and I've been very low with the stress and how lonely it can be with a reflux baby with dairy and soy allergies. There are other expats out here, but they really keep to themselves and haven't been welcoming. We've hosted numerous parties at our house and I try to get 'the wives' together once a week, but honestly, it exhausting and nobody else ever organises anything.

Anyway, I told you I'd waffle!

One of DHs old work colleagues has recently emigrated here too with his wife and their 1year old DS. After we've had such a tough transition, I really wanted to make sure they felt welcomed and supported. We see them a few times a week and its been great for me and DD as we finally have friends!

We are going back to the UK for a holiday soon and I wanted to do a welcome to Canada party at a local park to make sure they knew a few people before we left for a month.

I'm getting to the point now...

I'd set a date and invited people over, but since organising this, DHs work have changed their shift patterns and he would now be working till 5pm on the day of the party. I've contacted everyone I invited and gave 2 options. 1) we do the party later in the day at our house so DH doesn't have to rush about after work or 2) we do it on the Sunday.

I've had 2 replies so far saying they want to do it as planned at the park on Saturday and will go ahead without me and DH.

AIBU to be massively put out by this? We organised the party and now it looks like it will go ahead without us!

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 30/05/2013 19:26

Sorry but you need to man up and make your own life there, without trying to corral all the seemingly unwilling expats. This sounds harsh, but people don't like to be organised into forced social groups. I lived somewhere with someone doing this, and although she meant well she ended up without any friends as she was bloody hard work.

Jan49 · 30/05/2013 19:38

I think as you have organised a party and then found your DH has to work, other people would expect you to sort it out by turning up alone til he could join you or by your DH changing his shift. It also seems a lot to want to change the arrangements just so it's easy for your DH to be there after work rather than "rushing about". Is it such a problem for him to have to rush? So I can see why other people have said they'll go ahead without you. TBH if someone I knew arranged a party/event for lots of people and then said it had to be cancelled because their DH was working, I'd be annoyed with them because I'd expect them either to know when he was free before they arranged it or to go ahead without him.

Also it sounds like you're only mixing with English people. Can't you go to group for parents with babies of your DD's age?

TattyDevine · 30/05/2013 19:46

Party or not, I'd be focussing on the fact that you feel panicy without your DH, don't drive and rely on him for transport, etc, in a foreign country where you are finding your feet...that's very restrictive.

There may be reasons why you can't/wont drive, or why you feel that way, but I think that's way more of an issue than these small social group issues, which by the way will totally be irrelevant in a few years when your child starts school and you are suddenly part of a local (if you don't go private, anyway) school community.

Hope that's not being mean or unhelpful...but when those things are issues, it can seem like your friends are being the issue when really they aren't. Are you able to learn to drive?

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 20:49

The reason I keep trying to get people together is because when we meet, they are always saying how lonely they are and how it would be nice to get out more. Maybe the problem is me!

I am a terrible burden and strain on my DH. The transport thing is a nightmare, but we can't afford a second car. I have a license.

I came here full of enthusiasm for learning French and integrating into local society better, but having DD during a horribly cold winter with no support and only getting of the house with DH have left me a tad agoraphobic I suppose!

I honestly didn't think it would be too much to ask people to come here rather than go to the park on the same day.

OP posts:

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 20:53

Does your dh need the car to work more than you need the car for every day life as a sahm? Can he cycle to work? Public transport?

MacMac123 · 30/05/2013 20:56

Get a taxi to the party, you'll be fine!

Boomba · 30/05/2013 20:57

I think its odd actually

If youve organised a party, its really rude for them to go ahead with it if you cant make it, but have offered alternative arrangements

Its a real kick in the teeth IMO.

How many people have you invited? get them to come to your house (not later, but at the original time) and leave those 2 fools in the park by themselves

Having shit mates like this probably isnt doing much for your self confidence. Dump them. Re-direct your efforts towards nicer people

Could you start a French evening class, or similar?

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 20:58

Drive your DH to work that day and take the car. He can find his own way to the park.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:03

I think people perhaps might prefer the neutrality of the park rather than your home (or anybody else's). There's so much outdoor space and it's nice to have somewhere for the kids to run about without worry of breaking somebody's treasured possessions.

Don't feel sore that people don't want to fit in with the changed arrangements. Nothing, but nothing would induce me to socialise on a Sunday. There's no reason why the park idea needed to be shelved so people have taken advantage of that. What about the new expats? Are they still going to the park? I presume so, since the party was for them.

Do you think that you might be giving off 'needy' vibes, Chelt? Your posts read that YOU need the interaction and the party is good for you. I understand that you feel a bit out of your depth but you really do need to learn French and integrate. That doesn't mean that you arrange things for people to attend - start attending other events. I agree that you need to work out how to get around without your DH. Start saving for a second vehicle also, it's obviouly needed. In the meantime, work out the public transport/arrange lifts with the locals.

... and if your DD isn't in a French-immersion programme, get her into one pronto!

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:06

Thanks Boomba! They are a bit shit!

It's really hard when I had so many lovely friends at home. I don't make friends easily (probably because I'm a bossy knobber by the sounds of it ) and I'm tired of putting myself out there to have people constantly turn me down!

I'll see if DH can get a lift from work to the park. It all just seems to be turning into a massive faff. Surely it shouldn't be this difficult to get to your own party?!!

OP posts:

Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:06

I feel really sad for you actually OP

Its not ok to feel so isolated and agrophobic

can you speak to your GP?

a reflux baby with allergies will be exhausting. Especially if it is your first baby

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:08

Lying...is 9 months a bit young for French immersion?

OP posts:

Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:08

I like bossy knobbers...all my mates are just that

GoodbyePorkPie · 30/05/2013 21:10

"It all just seems to be turning into a massive faff."

But it's not really, to most people anyway. The only thing that's approaching a 'faff' is getting to the park, and there have been a few suggestions as to how you can do that.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 21:11

Oh dear, you are obviously in Quebec.

The rest of Canada >sweepingly sterotyping< is full of the most gregarious, social, helpful people.

But you must be in Quebec. I'd move. But that isn't helpful is it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:12

Ohhh... yes, a bit young... put her on the list though and maybe get yourself into French immersion.

MissStrawberry · 30/05/2013 21:14

Why do you feel you need your dh with you when you go out?

You are your baby's mum therefore you know everything she needs and are more than capable of looking after her without her dad there.

QuintessentialOldDear · 30/05/2013 21:15

Cant your dh leave you the car on the day of the party? Can you drive him to work, and he take a taxi to the park after work?

I honestly dont see what the problem is. I am not sure why the two of you cannot work around this. Is he always this inflexible?

Not sure I like how you say you are a burden.

HIS job took him to Canada. Yet, you cannot afford a second car to make your life easier.

Seems you have given up a lot, friends, family, and starting life as a new mum in a new country, and HE cant even scrape together for a car to you, nor find alternative ways of getting to work and from work to a party, just this once. Instead of him suggesting alternatives, you have to go through the stress of trying to rearrange a party to fit around him and his work.

Seems to me your dh needs a grip handed to him, along with a massive kick up his proverbial!

Boomba · 30/05/2013 21:16

porkpie aye....if the 'friends' had offered to come and pick OP up/help with baby etc etc and generally been altogether-party-friendliness-chums

But it doesnt sound like they have? Sounds like they have made OP feel completely disposable at a party she bloody organised. I can imagine going at all, now feels like a huge 'faff'

I dont believe any of you massive liars, would be so cool with it, if you were in the same position

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:21

Holly, I'd love to! We're here for another 3 years then may more to America or back home

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:22

Boomba... How do you leap to the conclusion that any of us are lying? studiously ignores own username.

OP's plans were changed by DH's workplace. Invitees had already determined their availability/willingness to attend, based on the original arrangements. OP offered a later time at a different venue or a Sunday. I wouldn't have liked either option. Party in the park sounds great. Your suggestion to move the party to OP's home at a later time, excluding those going to the park, sounds a bit weird to me. Like girls who link arms in school and don't like anybody else talking to one of their cohort...

However, knowing that the OP doesn't have transport, I probably would have asked whether she's ok to get there and picked her up if not.

Chelt... what about the people you organised the party for. What are they doing?

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:22

Lying, I'm getting myself on a course when we get back from UK!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2013 21:23

Good for you, Chelt. Hope you get a lot out of it, including making some new friends.

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:24

MissS, I get a bit (read VERY) panicky when DD has her frequent meltdowns! DH is my voice of reason and calms the situation down. I know I should have learnt to deal with it by now, but I haven't!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chelt1982 · 30/05/2013 21:25

Thanks Boomba...again! Feels nice to have someone waving my flag!!

OP posts:

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