Was I out of line?

[Bwalker2012]

I have a daughter in law who has a baby girl who is nearly four months.

She seems to be really assertive with me I don't know what I have done wrong. We live close to each other and I get to see my grandchild once every two weeks or once a week depending on everyone's time.

Well the last time I was over there I went to pick up my grandchild to wind her and my dil told me to put her down and that she was ok and didn't need winding. She told me that I would make her worse. I just felt stupid.

The other day I asked her how my girl was doing and she replied in a firm tone that she is not your girl and said that my daughter was my girl and my grandchild was hers. I thought she was being means. She is all ours.

I also asked to push my grandchild and my dil said no that she was going to push her first I was really annoyed with her and shaked my head and she told me off. I can't see why she wouldn't let me push her when I asked.

I just can't seem to get anything right. My son came over to tell me that I should start asking my dil first before doing anything with her I.e the winding. She was annoyed that I took it upon myself to see to my grandchild. I don't think I should ask?

What do you all think I am looking for advice am I being unreasonable?

I was quite happy for anyone who wanted to push the sodding pram to do so....but if I'd said no for whatever reason and had a pointed headshake back, I would've thought 'fuck off'.

I had fabulous relationships with all my grandparents (one Gran still blessedly still alive, and we are like best friends) - and the reason for this is that they backed the fuck off from my parents when us kids were newborns and offered practical help, went by my mother's 'rules', respected how big a change a newborn is, especially a firstborn, etc. I know this, because my mum still talks about how grateful she was for it, when all her friends parents and ILs were barging in interfering, acting like the GC were their own kids, and so on. Luckily for me, my folks model their behaviour like that and now have an amazing relationship with their GC.

A mother with her first born child who is only a few months old is is a very strange, vulnerable, knackered, perhaps still painful state, where everything is different, new and scary (and saggy), however wonderful it may be as well. And a very small child really does just want Mummy, or Mummy and Daddy, it'd be worrying if they didn't. Whilst it is nice and proper to foster relationships with the GPs, the rights and needs of the baby are what matter. The adults have to suck it up and bide their time. Grandparents who go in too strong, too soon risk damaging relationships with the baby's mother possibly forever. When you're a GP, you've raised your kids, a bit of wind or posset is pretty trivial stuff that you know how to deal with, but when your firstborn is all new and delicate and every fibre of your being is geared towards protecting it and tending to it, someone coming at them with a well-meaning tissue might as well be a sabretooth tiger on the prowl, or someone telling you outright that you don't know what you are doing.

OP, I don't doubt you love your GD, and it's wonderful that you want to create a lovley relationship with her. But you must stop seeing her as belonging to all of you, and you must take things slowly. Remember that the tortoise wins the race, not the hare! If your son and DIL say you talk over her, then take heed and try to work on that. Ask her what she would like you to do, if there's anything you can do for her. Help practically. Tell her she's doing a good job. Try not to compare what she does and how she does it to how and what you did when your DC were tiny. Remember that right now, it's all about the baby and her mother and father, especially mother. It is vitally important for a baby to bond with their mother; the rest of you have to wait a bit, but it'll be worth it.

Lovely, not lovley, arrrrrrrse.

shitsinger I was pretty hormonal myself both times but even I managed to let other people have a little cuddle/ change a nappy/ wind them by 4 months old.

eccentrica I have to say one of the best things about DS1 now being over 2 is that I feel I no longer need to get uptight when the GPs sneak him an ice cream. Although I have to say even I would be a bit about the shutting themselves in another room with them, that is a bit odd.

Yes there was a lot more to it than just that one incident.
But the way she behaved toward DS was definitely the straw that broke the camels back.
I have never regretted my decision and I think DS is better for not having her in his life.

IMO she never loved DS she just saw him as something else she could control.

And as a side note she has had virtually no contact with any of my SIL's 7 children because of similar behaviour.

MrsLyman

I couldnt physically bear it - it was overwhelming . It lessened around 6 months and as I said I had a good relationship with PIL.

MrsLyman my daughter is now 2 yrs 9 months, and I don't care what her grandmother feeds her as long as she doesn't choke or throw up!

It is only my MIL who shuts herself in the room with her. So she shuts out not just me and DP, but also FIL, my DP's brother, and any other family members who are around. It's beyond weird. She even did it at a family party and many people noticed/commented on it. It makes us incredibly tense and weirded out.

it's not just me as the DIL who gets left out, It's as if she is not remotely interested in anyone except my daughter. When we arrive she doesn't ask how we are, just grabs DD and takes her off into the other room. It's almost a joke. My DP tried to ask her not to one Christmas and she reacted like he'd thrown a dirty nappy in her face

lucamom I am actually grateful to my nightmare MIL. I am well aware that one day I'll be a MIL too and she has provided a perfect guide as to what NOT to do

I can see both sides and actually think your both being a bit U.

The winding etc - it may be she doesn't settle well and she doesn't want her picked up all the time? Also if she was happy I'd find it annoying to have have someone decide to wind my baby - a cuddle, yes because that' affection. Winding does suggest in a way you think she isn't doing her job properly.

"my baby" meh, cannot get upset either way about that.

The pushing the pram is weird - why do you need to push the pram? I use to love people pushing DS if it meant I was more hands free but just walking along it does seem weird that pushing her is so important to you.

I agree about coffee, cake and chat.
I would suggest a more neutral area though - perhaps a walk in town, coffee shop. Don't offer to push pram, if finances allow maybe offer to buy an outfit, sleepsuits or something and ask her opinion on your choice. Talk about the weather and such shit and refer to DGD by her name. Ak her questions about DGD - not developmental ones that may make her think your critising but about what she likes dislikes.

FWIW my friend and I often have a conversation about how precious people are over their babies nowadays (ours are 7-9yo now) and joke about how we handed ours over, without hesitiation, to the lowest bidder.

Well done bwalker for taking everything on board. It can't have been easy to hear.

Try to remember that your DS and DIL obviously do want you involved or they wouldn't be ok with seeing you every week/fortnight. I remember at four months that I was sooo tired that it was an effort to see anyone so it's great that they're making the effort.

You sound like you'll make a lovely grandma. And DIL will be even more likely to help you do so if you take her lead when you're there.

And if she doesn't like you saying 'my girl' just say 'my gorgeous grandaughter'. Same meaning, different word, everyone happy!

My mum is worse than my MIL. She seems to be obsessed with her grandchildren loving her more than anyone else. She tries to achieve this through feeding. Her cupboards are full of fizzy, sugary rubbish she would never have allowed us to have as kids. She even sends them home with a bag full of sweets and chocolate to keep them going until she sees them next (ie in a day or two).

I have to confess once to not letting dsil push DS in his pram, he was all shiney and new and gorgeous I didn't want people not to know he was mine I wanted to soak up all the glory of his deliciousness!

Maybe you could let your dil become more secure as a new mum to her little daughter, and then she might let you do more as a grandmother. You really don't want this to escalate into a battle between you both, because there are no winners.

Thanks for your comments some have been harsh but I have made the effort and read everyone's. I think my desperation has shown and I have put a bit of pressure on her. I see that now reading some comments on here.

Before my granddaughter came along we didn't have much of a relationship apart from chatting at family meals ands that's just about it. She is the type to keep her opinions to herself and is quite quite sometimes. I'm starting to see how she sees me. I must tone it down a bit.

I have been told that my dil said that she wants me around to have a relationship with my gc I thought she was trying to push me away. She even said that she has a great bond with her grandparents and she wants the same for her child. I do feel better hearing this. I now know I need to give them space and ask first rather than jumping in.

As usual Hec is spot on. And I am quite taken with the phrase 'reversey percy', even if that's not the case here.

Bwalker - it's not about what you want. The priority is meeting the needs of the baby, and then supporting the new parents as they care for the baby. If you really wanted to help, you'd ask your son and DIL what help they needed- it could be that they'd like some help with cooking or shopping.

To be honest you are coming across as quite interfering and overbearing- all about what you want ,and what rights you have to the baby. The baby isn't a toy to be shared equally. A breastfed baby primarily needs its mother, and your DIL is best placed to judge how much help she needs with mouth wiping while she's actually feeding the baby.

All credit to your son - he's trying to be diplomatic here, and to gently explain to you that they need some space, and they need you to let them be a family. Let them invite you to do stuff with the baby - don't assume, grab, or sulk when you're told no we're doing it this way.

Bwalker2012 that's really encouraging and hopefully a sign that you will get to have a great relationship with your grandchild and your DIL in time.

Non one seems to have picked up on you saying "apparently I talk over her" re. your DIL. I think you need to make sure you stop doing that. It's so rude and dismissive, to do that. Would you like it?

That's all you need to do OP...truly.
Just hang back a bit and respect their space, while making it known that you are always there for them and happy to help out. Do not do jobs that YOU think need doing (like the winding for example)...and then feel hurt when they resent the interference. Take your cues from them...be positive and encouraging and tell them they are doing a great job.
Your time with baby will come, I swear. She's still very new and it's important to new parents to feel as though they are in control.

And again I will reiterate - you do sound lovely. xx

Sorry, cross posted there- glad to see that you have taken the comments on board. Honestly, you will have a much closer relationship long-term if you can just let them be the parents - asking first is always a good thing (unless the baby is in danger, clearly). If you back off a bit, tread carefully, and ask how they do things with the baby, they'll be more likely to welcome your help. If you get sulky about what you're entitled to, it can damage the relationship.

I was just like your DIL and I cringe now at the memory of how much I pushed everyone away but if you can see things from her point of view and try to understand how she's thinking and feeling then it might help. I wanted to change every nappy, wipe every snotty nose, wind after every feed, push the buggy all the time - all the time, every single time!

I don't know what the answer is - I wanted all my dc's relatives to spend time with them and have a good relationship with all their grandparents but I wanted and needed to do everything for my babies when they were tiny.

That's really positive and encouraging Bwalker really glad to hear that this has helped you look from their pov.

It's great that this has been nipped in the bud now as if resentments are allowed to fester it really could ruin the relationship but now you all know where the boundaries are you can build on it. Fantastic news and congratulations on your lovely granddaughter xxx

My MIL has said and done things that have made me seriously consider cutting contact with her - but - she did and said them out of misplaced concern for us.

Her best one to date was when DH told her how skint we are, she decided to take it upon herself to inform me that she would be taking over my sons childcare so I didn't have childcare bills to worry about.

Sounds great!

She lives 100 odd miles away and wanted to have DS basically living with her and FIL. Her idea was that DH and I would visit our own son, in her house on Saturdays.

She genuinely could not understand why I was so completely shocked at the suggestion. All she thought about was that she would be saving us £500 a month on childcare.

OP, I would suggest you back off a bit for now. In a few months time yor DIL will probably welcome some time to herself and will gladly send you off with your DGD for a day trip!

You are NOT being at all unreasonable.
My lovely dil asked me to give dgd her first bath when she came home from hospital.I have always been included,listened to and I hope loved.As a result I have total respect for my dil and would always defer to her in parenting matters because I know that she would always listen to me if I had anything to say about anything-she might not agree but she will share.
We live in different countries and she is not British yet what I feel for her and from her is love and admiration.
As for the possessive pronoun all my dgc [blood and steps] are 'my beautiful grandbabies' and if I say "Who's Grandma's precious boy then?" I am not about to pick up the child and feed him chocolate and crisps and my dd/dils know that.
"Hello my lovely girl" doesn't mean I have delusions of motherhood.It means we are a family and within the family the bonds of love tie us together and we belong to one another.
YANBU at all.

Before my Granddaughter came along we didnt have much of a relationship apart from chatting at family meals

I think thats your answer - make the effort to have a relationship with your DIL. Good luck

Bwalker, you do sound as if you're prepared to realise that all the good intentions in the world can still go wrong. I have great hopes for your future relationship with your DIL and your grandchild.
I'm sure that's one of the reasons my grandmother knitted obsessively and gave me blankets and maternity jackets and all sorts of crocheted toys.
My mother distracted her from her obsession with my PFB, First Grandchild First Great Grandchild..., otherwise the results would have been disaster!
Patience and restraint will pay off in the long run.