To be fed up with having to always make the effort if I want to meet up with anybody?

[DogCatDogCatDog]

I probably am being unreasonable but I just needed a rant.

I really am getting fed up with always being the one to make the effort with friends, and this works both ways whether they have initiated a meet up or I have.

A few days ago a friend asked me if I wanted to go out on Sunday night (last night) to get something to eat. I said yes, I was definitely up for it. We didn't arrange a specific time to meet as neither of us were sure exactly what we were up to yesterday during the day, so I text her at about midday asking if we were still on for last night, and got no reply. I waited several hours until around 4pm and really wanted to find out what we were doing. I tried to call her, and she didn't answer her phone, so I sent a Facebook message and got a reply 'Sorry, I'm a bit tired now, do you mind if we give it a miss tonight?'.

Other times friends will invite me out, or to lunch, and then when I contact them to confirm they will have forgotten. Or other times the planned meet will go ahead but it's always up to me to chase people up. If I don't, then I'd never go to anything or meet anybody.

Then I find when I try to initiate meets I am also the one doing all the organising. No one will ever contact me to ask if we're all still meeting up, and if I didn't do the contacting then again I just would never meet with anyone. About 3 weeks ago I arranged a get together for next weekend with some old friends. I know that unless I contact them all this week and confirm/book taxis then no one will contact me.

Does anyone else have the same problem in friendships? I'm really quite cross about my friend yesterday, as she suggested it, and she is out meeting friends tonight. She has suggested re-arranging but again I know that if I do not make the effort and suggest a day to reschedule for then it just won't happen!

Stupid iPad crashing, I wrote something really profound too !

Op, you need to decide what kind of people you want to be friends with. If you want to fight for a place at the table with people you know to not be very nice (bullying) then that's fine, but you know the rules of the game and you have to get a thicker skin.

Alternatively you could seek out new friendships and look for ways to build your self esteem (I'm sure chatting at length on fb and trying to organise meet ups that get cancelled isn't doing wonders for it)....

... If you just look at popular people and think 'I want to be like them' and try and get in with them you'll never be their close friend unless you have a connection with them as they are popular already and won't have the time and energy to devote to making a close friendship with you. I know some lovely women who are insanely popular so I enjoy the time I spend with them but don't expect to have a close relationship with them, or if I ever do it will take a long time to develop I think...

... artemis there's a thread on chat about a Manchester meet up. I can't go unfortunately (work not fun reason!) but it sounded like plans were coming together. :)

I used to feel like you. But I don't anymore. I am still the one that makes all the arrangements, because that's just the sort of person I am and people very rarely cancel on me.

But then I'm incredibly organised actually I am a bit of a control freak so I like to make all the arrangements and include lots of people.

I do have one particular friend who I've known the longest (nearly 20 years now) who is a nightmare about replying to texts etc. I am always the one to text her if we haven't spoken for weeks, but I just know her. That's just the way she is.

I've given up stressing about it all. If people genuinely didn't like me and didn't want to see me, they wouldn't turn up or reply to my invitation. So I just get on with it!

OP, I think you need some new friends - the lot you have are doing nothing for your self esteem! I have always found it's easiest to make friends through a hobby or activity. If it's based around a regular meetup or evening class it has the fun social element but you can't be stood up. If you are at all musical, how about Rock Choir or something like that?

I was also brought up to understand that it is very rude to dump original arrangements because something better comes up. I have ditched a number of friends because of this and also because of the vague 'oh I'll turn up at some point'. I don't have time or the desire to wait around for people who 'might' put in an appearance.

I have given up on my NCT group more or less because of this type of behaviour. I ended up sitting in a cafe on my own (well, with DD) because the person who had organised the meet up obviously thought 'arranged time' meant 'within an hour of arranged time'.

I do understand your frustration as my sister sometimes treats me in the way your friends do, but I have had to put up with it or never see my nieces.

I don't agree about letting schoolfriends fade away. I have 4 good friends I still see (though only once or twice a year now due to geography*). I love it that although our lives have taken us in different directions, at heart we are still the same gormless 11 year olds we were when we met, and now we are comparing hair dyes and wrinkle cream and reading glasses and bemoaning the fact that weight doesn't come off like it used to no matter how you starve yourself . . . we have known each other nearly 36 years (one even more - youcher!) I don't think there is anything wrong with staying in touch because of habit.

But that is not to say that it can be hard getting together because from time to time one of us gets a bit flaky. However we have learned now not to bother with trying to get us all together and just book a date most - or possibly just some - people can do. The person who said they can't make that date because their DC has a party or similar just misses out.

• I mean due to us all living some distance from each other, not because we all had some big fall out in Geography many years ago which meant we can't stand seeing each other very often.

But that's what I'm saying Balloon -- keep in touch, meet up once or twice a year. I'm not saying ditch them completely, just treat them more as old friends you occasionally catch up with as opposed to current friends you try to make regular plans with (as they seem so hard to pin down).

Some years back, I had several friends exactly like this. They never made any effort at all, but were willing to meet up if I organised everything. Final straw for me was when one of them had the cheek to ask me why I hadn't contacted her for so long!

I explained each of them that I was fed up with always being the one to do all the running, so I asked them to contact me to arange the next meet up. Not one did, so I decided not to bother any more. I now have fewer friends, but I'm happier as the friendships are more balanced.

Thanks HandbagCrab great name! I think that's 1st week in July isn't it? DH has his big birthday that week so I can't make it unfortunately.

Maybe next time :)

thank you everyone for all the replies, the support and for sharing your experiences too.

I've had a long think today and I'm going to pull back from friends for a bit. Not really a case of never contacting anyone again, but I'm just going to have a break from it all. Those that want to contact me or invite me out know where I am.

In future if someone suggests meeting somewhere I am going to leave it to them to chase me to confirm arrangements. If I don't hear then I shall assume that the meet is not going ahead.

And I think, like some of you have suggested, I will just get myself a life and do things to please myself. Can't remember if I mentioned earlier in the thread about a friend who suggested going out last week then cancelled twice (both times when and only when I chased her)? She has still been managing to go out on other days though. Well I think I'm going to go ahead and do what we had planned anyway. I think she thinks I am sat at home waiting for her to give me the go ahead to have her company for the evening. No doubt she won't be happy that I didn't wait for her but that's tough really

Good for you Dogcat.

... If you just look at popular people and think 'I want to be like them' and try and get in with them you'll never be their close friend unless you have a connection with them as they are popular already and won't have the time and energy to devote to making a close friendship with you. I know some lovely women who are insanely popular so I enjoy the time I spend with them but don't expect to have a close relationship with them, or if I ever do it will take a long time to develop I think..

This. So very true, was discussing it with DH the other day. Hanging around popular people won't make you popular. It the don't give a s@#t attitude which is so very attractive.

Ah yes, I am with you there on the 'don't give a shit attitude' point.

All of the popular people I know just don't give a monkeys about anyone else. It's all about them. More fool others for being taken in by it though

I think the thing to do is pursue the things you are interested in - join groups of people who share the same interests and friendships should follow, that's what I am hoping anyway. My "friends" at the moment are mums of DS aged 9, friends who accept play invitations for their kids but don't invite back, and the rest use me as an unpaid counsellor, oh and a cousin who apparently doesn't give a shit. The trick is to stop wasting time on these people and find new people. Live your best life then the best friends will come.

Katniss - yes yes - think we may be the same person

DogCat - did you reply and tell your friend that you are pissed off that she is going out else where?

If you don't pull them up on their rudeness then they will keep letting you down because - basically - they can with no consequences, and it's your own self esteem that takes yet another battering

yeah i thought that myboys - if not, you should do!

I didn't say much to her about it because if I am brutally honest with myself I don't think she'd be that bothered. she'd probably just ditch me as a friend and never speak to me again.

She is not much of a friend anyway so it would not be a huge loss

I think it's sad when you realise that some friends were just for a particular time, but you know, making new friends can be very fun, as you learn about yourself.

I've moved through a lot of different situations and have shed a load of friends each time.

I suppose I have a stoical outlook and am always very happy to make new friends.

I have a few old ones from school, more from uni (geographically dispersed) and then my gal pals pre kids, and then my mummy friends who keep me sane, and then the school friends, and then the works friends.

They all have different roles to play, and I don't look for everything in each friend.

I do think you're being given the run around CatsDogs, and hope you pull them up on it.

In my book being more than 15 mins late is taking the piss. I used to say to one particular friend "don't be late" when we were making arrangements, and she knew I'd go if she was late (she was always late). But it levelled the field as she knew I wasn't a sucker going to wait around for her.

Now I have a mummy friend who if neither of us feels up to meeting, I know I can ring her and cancel last minute, and she can ring me to cancel. We live far apart and something can crop up, and we chat a lot on the phone anyway, so we are forgiving of each other's flakiness!

I agree it's good to join a choir, or a bird watching group to get in contact with more friends!

I think if you realise that one friend will not tick all the boxes then you can spread your bets a bit and have friends in every situation, and maybe a handful of good uns you can laugh and cry all over.

One of my 'friends' is always late...I now suggest we meet at, say, 11.30 knowing I mean 12.00...that way I'm not standing round like a lemon waiting! I enjoy her company when we meet but her time keeping is rubbish!

I agree with Venus and I'm the same - my friends are scattered far and wide and I've let a lot of friendships slide over the years. I've moved quite a few times and I really find that there are different kinds of friendships; some are people with whom you share a common factor (kids the same age, live very near to each other) but don't necessarily have a huge amount else in common with. These are more 'mates' than true friends, and they are the ones I tend not to keep in touch with when I move on. Some you feel a deeper affinity with and know that you'll pick up where you left off when you see them.

I really hesitated about writing this, because I reckon many of you on this thread might consider me a bad friend. I just wanted to give a different perspective though...

It takes a lot for me to consider someone a true close friend, it's as though there are grades of how much I trust. I'm naturally quite a helpful and kind person towards people, but it doesn't come naturally to ask for for help myself. I guess that it's only people I would feel comfortable asking for a favour that I consider to be true friends, and it takes a lot for me to trust someone that much.

The point is, if I were at a 'mates' stage with someone and I felt that they were pushing me or chivvying me to meet up more, do more, give more etc, I'd back straight off, tbh. I'm not very good with commitment and planning ahead anyway, and I'm a bit rubbish at keeping in touch. If I felt pursued, I'd run a mile. Sorry.

I'm just saying this because I do read a lot of threads on here like this, when one person feels like they're doing all the running to keep the friendship going. I guess I'm saying I don't think it's worth flogging a dead horse, if that makes any sense.

I really hope I haven't offended anyone by saying this, it really wasn't my intention. I would never cancel at the last minute or turn up late all the time or any of the other passive aggressive shit that your 'friends' are doing though.

What I know I am guilty of, though, is just not ringing/texting someone to make an arrangement after I've airily said "oh yes it'd be lovely to meet up - I'll give you a ring to arrange a date". Sometimes it's because I genuinely forget or get distracted, sometimes it's because I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I'm taking the coward's way out. It's no reflection on them as a person, sometimes I just haven't got the time/energy/social impulse.

I suppose I'm trying to say to the posters who feel that people give them the brush off; it's probably nothing personal!

Dogcat, why do you even want to be friends with this person? If one of my friends pulled me up for being flakey I would be embarassed, but admit that I'd been slack as a friend and make an effort not to do it to her next time (unless she was also flakey, in which case I'd either laugh and point out pot kettle black). Anyone who dumps you for that is not worth the effort imo.

Are you me CrabbyBigBottom?! I could have wrote your post....