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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with having to always make the effort if I want to meet up with anybody?

132 replies

DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:21

I probably am being unreasonable but I just needed a rant.

I really am getting fed up with always being the one to make the effort with friends, and this works both ways whether they have initiated a meet up or I have.

A few days ago a friend asked me if I wanted to go out on Sunday night (last night) to get something to eat. I said yes, I was definitely up for it. We didn't arrange a specific time to meet as neither of us were sure exactly what we were up to yesterday during the day, so I text her at about midday asking if we were still on for last night, and got no reply. I waited several hours until around 4pm and really wanted to find out what we were doing. I tried to call her, and she didn't answer her phone, so I sent a Facebook message and got a reply 'Sorry, I'm a bit tired now, do you mind if we give it a miss tonight?'.

Other times friends will invite me out, or to lunch, and then when I contact them to confirm they will have forgotten. Or other times the planned meet will go ahead but it's always up to me to chase people up. If I don't, then I'd never go to anything or meet anybody.

Then I find when I try to initiate meets I am also the one doing all the organising. No one will ever contact me to ask if we're all still meeting up, and if I didn't do the contacting then again I just would never meet with anyone. About 3 weeks ago I arranged a get together for next weekend with some old friends. I know that unless I contact them all this week and confirm/book taxis then no one will contact me.

Does anyone else have the same problem in friendships? I'm really quite cross about my friend yesterday, as she suggested it, and she is out meeting friends tonight. She has suggested re-arranging but again I know that if I do not make the effort and suggest a day to reschedule for then it just won't happen!

OP posts:
NoobyNoob · 28/05/2013 10:28

YANBU - I have a friend like this. She texts to ask when we can meet - I tell her days I can do, she says she'll text me, doesn't, ends up having a day with someone else.

I used to be bothered and chase people, but now I really can't be fudged.

Wishihadabs · 28/05/2013 10:29

I do think it's a cultural shift TBH. My Dm was shit hot on this "if you make an arrangement you keep it".

Other Mums at school have appallingly iMO attitudes. One said to me as I picking up dd from a sleep over to go to a party" oh I just wouldn't bother, x's mother won't mind". I just don't think that's on and said so. She looked at like I was talking Greek.

I seem to have indoctrinated the dcs to my way of thinking they often say "if you make a commitment then you need to honor it. Some of you seem not to be making firm plans, which may be part of the problem. I don't keep days free unless we have a we will meet at x time at y place type plan.

TooMuchCaffeine · 28/05/2013 10:32

YANBU (sighs) I am having a similar scenario, but won't hijack - might just start another AIBU myself! Keep being yourself - you will get nicer friends eventually that's what I tell myself anyway.....

Lavenderhoney · 28/05/2013 10:37

I have this. Now I arrange things I want to do and if people can't come or cancel at the last minute, I do them anyway. I have found a few people say " I'm sorry to let you down, what will you do instead?" And I say in a surprised tone " I'm going anyway" They always seem put out for some reason.

I have a few friends who have loads of friends and are always cancelling as " oh I forgot I had arranged such and such" so I only meet with them if going with a group.

Don't get me started on people who are always very late and are just SO BUSY:) fuss fuss.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 28/05/2013 10:40

Urgh yes 'So busy' people piss me off too

TooMuchCaffeine, feel free to vent on this thread, I don't mind if you hijack it at all. It's good that we can all rant together!

OP posts:
Oblomov · 28/05/2013 10:58

I feel exactly the same way.
I think the only thing to do is to get out more and find new friends and then these old ones you will be able to drop. Easier said than done. We all know that. But there really isn't any other way, is there?

IamMrsElf · 28/05/2013 11:03

catdog I have total sympathy, YANBU - your 'friends' are.

I have been the flaky friend - when I was at secondary school and college (I was an immature dick) - as a consequence I don't have any old friends - though some of them are friends on FB. I did have a chance to make it back into the group but royally fucked it up, I missed being a friend's bridesmaid because I fucked up at work and ended up losing my job. I know I have burnt my bridges there. They all still meet up and I'm glad that they're all friends. I feel sad that I've missed out on having a solid group of friends, but I always look forward not back, learn from my mistakes.

I have always found it easy to make 'friends' through work, some stuck for a bit, some disappeared as soon as I moved jobs. I have a couple of friends now, both live a distance away so I don't see them very often, which is sad.

I have recently moved into a new area so all of the 'friends' I had made at baby groups have frittered away. I feel like my inability to be a good friend in my teens and early twenties has left me alone. When I do make friends I listen, I keep to arrangements made, I am fun and enjoy a good giggle - a sociable and friendly person. But no one seems to stick at being my friend. This has left me feeling a bit shit and insular, I now worry that I am just a dick and no one wants to be my friend and this is hampering my ability to make new friends.

MoodyDidIt · 28/05/2013 11:09

Urgh yes 'So busy' people piss me off too

me too aaaargh :o

IamMrsElf · 28/05/2013 11:09

Sorry Dogcat fucked up typing your name - proof, if needed, I am a dick Blush

ArtemisKelda · 28/05/2013 11:24

MrsElf I'm sure you're not a dick, you sound nice. We all make mistakes when we're younger. I lost touch with people when I moved which was a real shame.

We should have a non flaky people meet up, like ItsallnowisaFeegle mentioned upthread. If anyone is in E Lancs, N Manchester or W Yorks and fancies meeting for a coffee or Wine, I'm up for that.

IamMrsElf · 28/05/2013 11:27

I would love that, but I'm in Hampshire.

Has MN ever done a big meet up? I suppose it defeats the purpose, but it would be nice. Lots of Gin and Wine tents, stuff for the kids to do, like a festival but clean!

ArtemisKelda · 28/05/2013 11:33

That'd be ace, a MN festival Grin. The toilets would be sparkling!

Varya · 28/05/2013 11:39

Been dumped by a couple of friends over trivia but been blessed with three more friends, so I can be pragmatic here. Empathise with being the one to make all the arrangements, though. Frustrating!

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 28/05/2013 11:54

MrsElf you don't sound like a dick at all, far from it!!

I think I struggled a lot making solid friends at school and college too tbh, and hence I've never had that foundation of firm friends to fall back on. Those that I know that are very popular usually have a core of good friends from school or uni, therefore they are not bothered at all whether other people like them or not, so of course other people do like them as they are laid back, and they just seem to collect friends as they go along.

I had friends at school, and am still in contact now. However I was very much on the outside. I moved to another area halfway through secondary school. I am in touch with friends from both schools. However I don't feel I fit with either group and to both groups I am just 'there'. The original group of course carried on their friendships without me and I missed out on a lot of teen stuff with them, plus they live halfway across the country anyway. And the group from my second school all had very established friendships when I joined (mid year 9), so I was always very much on the outside. I also suffered cripplingly low self esteem as a teenager, and low confidence, and was just so desperate to be accepted by the cool gang, as they were also bullies so I wanted to be friends with them rather than have the piss taken of them.

This 'cool gang' are still my mates now, but again I feel like I am just 'there'. They all seem much more 'in' with each other and warmer towards one another than they are to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 28/05/2013 11:58

Well, case in point, I sent a text to a friend that was meant to be coming this weekend to the get together and she's replied saying she can't now as she's now arranged something with another friend for that day. And she didn't have the courtesy to contact me beforehand to let me know, it was me that had to find that out by contacting her. If I hadn't have text her then I guess she wouldn't have turned up.

So rude

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 28/05/2013 12:12

Do you mind me asking how old you are, roughly?

Because I would think school friends are definitely the type of people you can let fade away, unless you've managed to stay really close somehow.

How many of your friends are people you have known a long time? Maybe it's time to just let them go and find people you have more in common with at this stage of your life.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 28/05/2013 12:16

I'm mid thirties, dreaming.

I think you are right. We all just stay in touch because of habit I think.

OP posts:
IamMrsElf · 28/05/2013 12:18

Dogcat, it all sounds a bit shit. Your 'friend' is being really rude to you, very disrespectful.

I moved when at Junior school, so became good at making friends but I guess I never saw the need to make a deep attachment - that is something I am changing now.

You sound really lovely. I think you need to phase out those people that don't show the respect you deserve.

dreamingbohemian · 28/05/2013 12:23

Ah well definitely just let them go then.

Stay friends on facebook, keep up to date sometimes, maybe meet up once a year or something?

But you will probably have more luck with people who you share interests with now.

ArtemisKelda · 28/05/2013 12:44

I'm 39, nearly 40 how did that come around so quick Shock

I'm only friendly with a couple of people that I knew at school, I moved during y11 and lost touch with quite a few people some of them were no loss quite frankly and the ones I do keep in touch with, it's just generally a chat on FB.

It's difficult making new friends at the moment, I have young DCs and no babysitter so can't really go out with DH. Have just joined my local MN meetup group so watch this space!

ArtemisKelda · 28/05/2013 12:45

DogCat, I agree with MrsElf, your friend is acting in a really rude way.

Cakebaker35 · 28/05/2013 12:51

Feel exactly the same OP, and not sure if it is me but it seems to be happening more lately than ever before. I think someone else mentioned it is perhaps to do with being so 'connected' with Internet, mobiles etc that people are happy to leave everything to the last minute. I hate it though. Or maybe it really is that I'm just dull and no one has the heart to tell me! Not sure what the answer is but not contacting anyone and waiting for them to would be social siberia I think.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 28/05/2013 13:03

And now another friend had 'forgotten' about the plans. Marvellous. No doubt the remaining person will be 'ill' on the day too. Everyone seems to remember everything they are doing with everyone else except for any plans they have with me.

OP posts:
loofet · 28/05/2013 13:03

Argh you're so not alone! I have one friend left because I was tired of people doing it so decided not to contact and wait for them to come to me.. Nobody did Sad and even the one friend doesn't really so.. I'm a loner Wink.

CrabbyBigBottom · 28/05/2013 13:07

I see so many of these threads on MN - it's really sad that there are so many people out there who are lonely/don't have as many friends as they'd like/treated badly by so-called friends. Is MN Local any good for this sort of thing? Surely there must be a way of hooking up all the people looking for genuine and reliable friends?

I feel quite blessed that I don't really enjoy group socialising so I don't ever feel the need to organise evenings out/get togethers. Grin I've always found groups of women unfathomable and slightly intimidating so never had any desire to be part of one. I have been part of male social groups in the past and found that much easier.

I much prefer one on one socialising, or we have couples/families come to stay for the weekend. I can happily go months or even years between seeing people, though, and just pick up where we left off. Recently we met up with a couple of friends whom I hadn't seen for 6 years Shock and it was as if I saw them last week. Since then they've been keen to meet once a month or so which I found a bit too frequent to easily fit in (they live a way away).

Could it be that some of your friends just don't want to meet quite so often? Although some of the behaviour you're describing just sounds rude and totally disrespectful - if someone treated me like that you wouldn't see me for dust.