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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with having to always make the effort if I want to meet up with anybody?

132 replies

DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:21

I probably am being unreasonable but I just needed a rant.

I really am getting fed up with always being the one to make the effort with friends, and this works both ways whether they have initiated a meet up or I have.

A few days ago a friend asked me if I wanted to go out on Sunday night (last night) to get something to eat. I said yes, I was definitely up for it. We didn't arrange a specific time to meet as neither of us were sure exactly what we were up to yesterday during the day, so I text her at about midday asking if we were still on for last night, and got no reply. I waited several hours until around 4pm and really wanted to find out what we were doing. I tried to call her, and she didn't answer her phone, so I sent a Facebook message and got a reply 'Sorry, I'm a bit tired now, do you mind if we give it a miss tonight?'.

Other times friends will invite me out, or to lunch, and then when I contact them to confirm they will have forgotten. Or other times the planned meet will go ahead but it's always up to me to chase people up. If I don't, then I'd never go to anything or meet anybody.

Then I find when I try to initiate meets I am also the one doing all the organising. No one will ever contact me to ask if we're all still meeting up, and if I didn't do the contacting then again I just would never meet with anyone. About 3 weeks ago I arranged a get together for next weekend with some old friends. I know that unless I contact them all this week and confirm/book taxis then no one will contact me.

Does anyone else have the same problem in friendships? I'm really quite cross about my friend yesterday, as she suggested it, and she is out meeting friends tonight. She has suggested re-arranging but again I know that if I do not make the effort and suggest a day to reschedule for then it just won't happen!

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 27/05/2013 21:23

Argh, YANBU. I have a group of friends like that. It's so utterly shit.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:28

I'm glad I'm not alone Santana.

Another recent scenario that I've just remembered; a friend who lives about 60 miles away suggested a weekend meet with husbands and kids, and suggested a date a month away. I said yes, that would be great, we arranged a venue and a time to meet up.

About 3 days before I contacted her just to confirm and she was genuinely surprised and said 'Well no, I hadn't heard from you about it since we arranged it so I assumed you'd forgotten and we've made other plans now' I think something better just came up tbh.

I've also had a friend inviting me to lunch at her house 20 miles away and then when I arrived at her house she had forgotten I was going and was out with other friends.

It grates that all these people seem to have great social lives and seem great at organising things with others, except with me.

I would stop contacting people and just sit back but I know I would have no friends and no social life if I did this.

OP posts:
ArtemisKelda · 27/05/2013 21:28

I could have written that word for word, it really grates sometimes and hurts too. YAVVVNBU

Midlifecrisisarefun · 27/05/2013 21:35

Same here..I often wonder what's wrong with me..I must be doing something wrong! Sad

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:37

I often think I must be doing something wrong too....

I wonder if people pick up on the fact that I'll make the effort so sit back on their laurels and wait?

OP posts:
SquirrelNuts · 27/05/2013 21:38

I have a particular 'friend' who constantly lets me down. Asked me to meet her for lunch I text on the day she says sorry im going swimming instead! geee thanks! Another time I walked to town to meet her (in the rain! with dd) got a text saying she was running late, so had coffee, got another text to say another half house, be pissed! then got
another text to say shes gonna have to leave it!!! grrrr people annoy me!
Sorry that's my rant over!
YANBU!!

WafflyVersatile · 27/05/2013 21:38

I think so much 'connectivity' means people feel they don't have to commit to things like they used to. Everything can be last minute.

It's very annoying. But I do it a bit too. Blush

ArtemisKelda · 27/05/2013 21:39

Squirrel that's shit, I take it that you're busy now when she suggests meeting up.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:42

My DH says I should just stop contacting people and wait for them to contact me.

I can't understand why someone would invite someone to meet up, and then just not contact them and leave it to them?

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 27/05/2013 21:45

I find with things like this it's always better to propose a date and time, not leave it to some vague future possibility (too easy to forget).

There's always room for an emergency if it happens, but with an appointment in the diary then you know if they are serious.

I'm not immune. Yea, let's get together sometime....
Better to make that date!

SquirrelNuts · 27/05/2013 21:47

yes ArtemisKelda always busy me! Sad when you've know someone for 15 years and they turn out like that!

suburbophobe · 27/05/2013 21:48

My DH says I should just stop contacting people and wait for them to contact me.

How wonderfully passive.

No good if you want to have a modicum of social life...

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:49

I do make that date, suburbophobe. I always prefer to confirm things a day or so before though just so that I don't make any wasted journeys. And it's a good job I do check really as half the time the other person has forgotten or now conveniently can't make it.

And I've found that at times when I've not confirmed on/just before the actual day then the other person has just not turned up.

OP posts:
Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 21:50

What he means suburbophobe, is that if someone contacts me and suggests a meet up, I should wait for them to confirm with me for once, rather than the other way round.

I don't think he means never contact anyone again ever and just sit at home

OP posts:
YoniWheretheSunDontShine · 27/05/2013 21:56

I have to say this a huge bug bear of mine. Not so much the actual about to meet up and cancelling, but when other people say to me, would I like to do something - so their instigation, I say yes, then I never hear anything, that really irritates me!

The thing is its flaky behaviour. I often think they just value other friends they have more. You are being used perhaps as a filler....

I have one friend who does this. She calls or tries to make arrangements to see me when she has nothing else to do. In the past I fell for this - and we made arrangements. However, more often than not, something else would come up and I would be shoved to one side.

I do not make arrangements with her any more.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 22:09

I think you are right Yoni

It all comes down to people valuing the friendship.

Unfortunately I don't think I am the kind of person whose friendship many people value.

OP posts:
ArtemisKelda · 27/05/2013 22:16

SquirrelNuts - 15 years Sad

DogCatDogCatDog - Unfortunately I don't think I am the kind of person whose friendship many people value. - Yep, that's how I feel too.

ArtemisKelda · 27/05/2013 22:18

My DH says I should just stop contacting people and wait for them to contact me.
If I did that, I'd never meet up with anyone at all.

raisah · 27/05/2013 22:19

Yes its rubbish isnt it? The amount of times that I have been on the end of the phone or in person listening to a crisis for my friends its unbelievable. But once crisis is over or if I am going through one or just want a catch up nobody is around. Nowadays because I have gone off the radar (am concentrating on my own life) that people do seek me out now when previously they didn't. I don't call/invite or go out with people as much as I used to so I have found people chasing me for a change. I have deliberately cut complicated people out from my life and find life is a lot simpler than before.

Edit your existing friendship circles, meet new people and cultivate new interests and have a fulfilled social life on your terms.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 22:23

Me too Artemis. I'd never go out at all or meet up with anyone if I didn't chase people and try to arrange things.

Raisah, I think I will have to take a few tips from you! I think I am going to try concentrating on myself a bit more. I've just got into exercising, and am hoping to do some voluntary work at weekends.

OP posts:
Wiifitmama · 27/05/2013 22:24

Yes. This totally happens with me too. Just this past week I have finally got fed up enough to say I am just going to make arrangements to do things I want to do, and if people want to join me they will. But I will no longer do all the inviting and arranging. Totally fed up.

Original poster
DogCatDogCatDog · 27/05/2013 22:27

Whilst I'm venting to you lovely lot...

I was having a chat on facebook last night with 3 so-called friends that I went to school with. We were having a laugh about things we've got up to in the past. One friend, who I always feel doesn't value me and only uses me when she wants something, then did a status, which was something like "Having an amazing catch up with some wonderful friends" and then just TAGGED THE OTHER TWO. And not me.

I immediately stopped her stuff appearing in my newsfeed and won't be speaking to her again, just a quick brief hello if I bump into her anywhere.

She is another one who I have to chase and chase, and who things always crop up for, and everything is always on her terms. Yet I know one of her other 'wonderful friends' is like that with her and she chases her and makes all of the effort.

OP posts:
ArtemisKelda · 27/05/2013 22:30

I'm trying to get out and about a bit more, I'm naturally quite introverted so it's a real effort for me. I'm doing some voluntary work and have met a few like minded people so fingers crossed that I make a few new friends there.

I think I must be one of those people who come across as nice but forgettable, either that or I'm a total arse and no-one will tell me Blush

dreamingbohemian · 27/05/2013 22:32

I can pretty much divide my friends into flaky and non-flaky people.

Most of them are non-flaky, if we make plans they happen.

I do have a few flaky friends but I feel like it's my choice to stay friends with them even knowing they're flaky, so I just kind of roll with it. Whenever we make plans I assume they might not happen and have backup ideas.

But I can only handle a few people like this. If all your friends are like this, then I think maybe it's time to reevaluate your friendships. Better to have just a couple people you can rely on than lots of people you can't. And, getting rid of useless friends opens up more space to make new ones.

I agree though, I don't understand why people are like this.

dreamingbohemian · 27/05/2013 22:36

x-post

But why 'chase and chase' that woman?

Life is too short. If you find yourself always chasing someone, they're not worth it.