To be fed up with having to always make the effort if I want to meet up with anybody?

[DogCatDogCatDog]

I probably am being unreasonable but I just needed a rant.

I really am getting fed up with always being the one to make the effort with friends, and this works both ways whether they have initiated a meet up or I have.

A few days ago a friend asked me if I wanted to go out on Sunday night (last night) to get something to eat. I said yes, I was definitely up for it. We didn't arrange a specific time to meet as neither of us were sure exactly what we were up to yesterday during the day, so I text her at about midday asking if we were still on for last night, and got no reply. I waited several hours until around 4pm and really wanted to find out what we were doing. I tried to call her, and she didn't answer her phone, so I sent a Facebook message and got a reply 'Sorry, I'm a bit tired now, do you mind if we give it a miss tonight?'.

Other times friends will invite me out, or to lunch, and then when I contact them to confirm they will have forgotten. Or other times the planned meet will go ahead but it's always up to me to chase people up. If I don't, then I'd never go to anything or meet anybody.

Then I find when I try to initiate meets I am also the one doing all the organising. No one will ever contact me to ask if we're all still meeting up, and if I didn't do the contacting then again I just would never meet with anyone. About 3 weeks ago I arranged a get together for next weekend with some old friends. I know that unless I contact them all this week and confirm/book taxis then no one will contact me.

Does anyone else have the same problem in friendships? I'm really quite cross about my friend yesterday, as she suggested it, and she is out meeting friends tonight. She has suggested re-arranging but again I know that if I do not make the effort and suggest a day to reschedule for then it just won't happen!

I agree, dreamingbohemian.

I think I've kept in touch with her out of habit tbh, and because we've known each other for years. Won't be bothering with her again.

Did I write this entire thread by myself? Feels like I could have.
I gave given up on many people, for instance people who are too busy to text me back. Like being a working mum with five children means I have hours of free time to spend waiting by the phone

Urgh yes I get the 'too busy to text back' thing from people too.

I tried to arrange a meet at soft play during the easter holidays; I sent texts to 5 friends. Three didn't bother replying. Two replied. One couldn't come. The other could but cancelled on the day.

Another friend never replies to texts if I send them to her first, only replies to my replies to her texts. If I was to text her now and suggest a coffee tomorrow she wouldn't reply. If she was to text me about something and then I replied to her, she would then reply to that. Weird. And rude

This thread is really sad.

I've just had a baby and only very recently realised I'm most likely an introvert. I feel panicky about socialising, despite enjoying any time with friends that I have.

I probably have two truly genuine friends who stick by me, despite my reluctance to leave my home. It makes me love them all the more.

I have one other friend who uses me as a filler and that upsets me but I'm most upset with myself for missing out on life.

I know it's not strictly a post that's in relation to the thread but I suppose I felt the need to explain why I can often cancel last minute and I'm not ready to confess my secret to my friends in RL.

If a friend was genuinely feeling the same way as you do, I would of course be understanding and supportive.

I just don't believe that 95% of my friends have the same problem

Then they aren't truly your friends or you care much more about your friendships than they do.

I'm unsure what to suggest because not 'being you' in relation to you being the activist in rallying everyone would be, IMO, like 'cutting your nose off to spite your face, because of course you want an active social life.

You sound lovely, you all do. I think there are too few genuine friends like all of you around.

You should all get together

YANBU - I have a diploma in this and it pisses me right off! Flaky friends grrrr. I've decided not to contact the said friends and suggest you don't either, then see if they contact you. I do think though OP, you seem to have some very rude friends, esp. the non texting friend, who does she think she is, a minor celeb???

Haha yes I think she does, cerealqueen!

Another minor friends rant, but does anyone else find that they are expected to listen to friends' woes, moans and upsets, and to agree and offer support, however when the boot is on the other foot they will give you tough love or start playing devil's advocate if someone has upset you or you are having a hard time?

I am definitely the instigator and organiser and have felt like you in the past op - however I think others assume I will get I. Touch if I want to meet up with them 75% of the time.

Despite periods of self doubt on the whole I am happy with this and would / do prefer to be proactive rather than reactive.

Yanbu - but don't cease contact and wait for them - you would seriously run the risk of cutting your nose off to spite your face

But re the flaky non-committal ones - if you know they are like that assume it isn't in - mange yor expectations
And if they are truly treating you badly (not just bein flaky) then move on - they will continue to let you down and you don't need that.

Should just put it all in one post - but just remembered a wise lady once said you have some friends for a reason, some for a season, and others for life.

This has really helped me when some friendships have fizzled out - and quite often it was because the reason or season had ended - and it helped me not to take it too personally - which is so so easy

It always makes me wonder how very flaky people seem to keep friends. I know two women that are extremely flaky in every way, although neither are in my circle of close friends. They've been invited on group nights out I've been on though, and their behaviour was frustrating enough on those (such as us all having to wait one night for an hour and a half before we could order in a restaurant as one of them was running late).

From what I can see it is the flaky, non committal people that are chased, and have others running round to spend time with them and invite them out. Then tolerating their behaviour when they are late, or cancel at the last minute, or don't even turn up at all.

Dogcat. Yes know exactly what you mean. Could have been me a few years ago. Once asked a friend who always told me her family problems if she knew how many brothers and sisters I have. Guess what. She didn't.
I just got harder.

Hi dogcat. You just have to decide whether their friendship is worth it to you. They won't change. I decided that people like this made me feel bad about myself. Nothing's worth that.

Kittensoft, that is so typical of some of the people I know too. I could write their biography but many don't actually know much about me as I cannot get a word in edgeways to tell them anything. Very few people actually ask me anything about me either.

It bugs me that that type of person just seems to get away with it too. Everyone assumes they must be very important and then continues the cycle of the world revolving around said person.

Yeah. Wish I could offer some advice, but my solution was just to cut people like this out. Never learnt how to deal with them. I just worked out that I'd rather be on my own.

I was thinking the reason/season/life thing too joining :)

Another wise woman told me you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand and she was absolutely right. Have you got one friend who values you? Spend more time with them. Or put yourself first so you care less when people cancel as its about you and what you want to do. Sarah's cancelled soft play? Brilliant, me and dc can go to the art gallery instead. Joan's not coming to pizza express? Fab, I can go to the gym/ pictures and watch what I want on my own with no interruptions :)

From what I can see it is the flaky, non committal people that are chased, and have others running round to spend time with them and invite them out.

i have noticed this too

how come we are all (i assume) grown women but some of us don't seem to have got out of the high school mentality. is it too much to ask to have a solid group of reliable mates who don't play power games

also going through a similar-ish thing and i am just backing off completely now, concentrating on my dcs, work and dh, sometimes its too exhausting and soul destroying trying to have a social life.

MoodyDidIt, soul destroying is exactly how I would describe it too. Sometimes it's like chasing your tail.

I find it so hurtful that so many of the people that are flaky with me seem to have such good social lives and meet up with other people, yet they're so busy and so hard to pin down to spend any time with me at all.

Great advice, Handbagcrab :-)

Gawd, I could have written this entire thread - in fact, several times over this weekend I almost did .

I often wonder what I'm doing wrong, but deep down I know there's nothing I could do better. I'm generally thought of as kind, helpful, generous, good with advice and quite good fun, yet I still have very few people who would choose to have me as a 'proper' friend.

I reckon I'm probably regarded as 'someone I know' to most people, rather than a friend, and few would miss me if I wasn't around. In fact, if they were informed of my sudden death the majority would probably respond with "Was she the one with the glasses?"

I try not to let it bother me. I'm happy with who I am and can't think of how I can make myself a better person, so just tend to grit my teeth and accept the way things are.

I'm sure you're all lovely people too. Don't let it get you down.

Another wise woman told me you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand and she was absolutely right
Oh, bugger....I can't even do that!

If I didn't laugh I would cry!

I find it so hurtful that so many of the people that are flaky with me seem to have such good social lives and meet up with other people, yet they're so busy and so hard to pin down to spend any time with me at all.

yep. sucks.

anyone in leicestershire area and want to be friends? not even half joking as most of you on this thread seem so much on my wavelength

YANBU, My oldest 'friend' now lives overseas and has what appears to be a great life (on Facebook, I know better!) she would send messages. 'Lets Skype I miss you etc. In 7 years we have done that once.

I used to wait around for her and then nothing, so now I don't bother. She once said to me and I quote ' You know I kind of have a friend list and I decide who's at the top of that, know what I mean?' I was wide eyed that she thought she was so bloody popular!

Fast forward to my wedding day, of course she was invited but as she lives on the other side of the world I didn't expect her to fly all that way for a small wedding so when she called in floods of tears saying she was due an op and couldn't afford to do both, I was supportive as her health matters far more than 1 day.

I then discover via her fabulous Facebook, over my wedding she was actually enjoying herself on holiday in Asia with her new friends. She did have an operation booked but not until later on in the year. So what she was really saying was I'd rather splash my cash on a holiday than come home to your wedding. I then decided to defriend her, I can handle her preference to go on holiday what I can't deal with is the blatant bloody lies.

She's no longer my oldest friend she's sadly just someone I used to know. When people arrange something then cancel last minute just screams to me you don't matter and my time is more important than yours. I now have a really lovely group of friends, if I were you i'd find some new people who value you and your time

I organise the vast majority of meet ups with my friends too, but when someone else does organise something I always say yes unless it's absolutely unavoidable to try to encourage them to do it more :)

My life is pretty full at the moment, so I'm friendly with new people I meet but I don't actively pursue friendship with them as I just don't have the time to devote to it. It's a shame because I probably meet lots of people I could have an amazing friendship with and I'm sure lots of people feel this way. However, I see, for example, at baby groups or courses people who have made friends, who have had the time and energy to devote to making new friends so I think the more out there you are, the more likely you are to find someone you click with and who is looking for a friendship too.

Also, I defriended loads of old 'friends' off Facebook and hid others I didn't want to defriend but didn't want to see. This has helped me because they are not taking up headspace or making me feel inadequate with their amazing social lives :)