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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think fuck off with your competitive parenting!

228 replies

HandbagCrab · 27/05/2013 11:41

Ds and I were looking at a bird in an enclosure at an animal centre. Ds can say duck for all birds but I was trying to see if I could get him to say bird too (he's 18 months). This woman spies us and brings her child and parks her buggy next to us so they are practically touching (there's lots of space so this was unnecessary).

She's all 'what colours can you see in the partridge's tail, Jocasta? (Jocasta names some colours) Very good, can you see any other colours too?' in a loud parenting voice.

I feel it's just another bloody example of competitive, constant comparison between dc and I'm so tired of it. I get people are insecure, but why should they get validation from my child because theirs can 'do' more than mine? I know it's not a big deal, but I find these little comparisons happening all the time and this is just the latest and most ridiculous of the lot.

I just walked away from partridge-worrying mum, what do you do with the competitive buggers?

OP posts:
RoomForASmallOne · 27/05/2013 16:57

We all interact with our DCs but getting them to perform party tricks for for the benefit of complete strangers is wanky and show-offy.

That is the kind of thing OP means.

pinkballetflats · 27/05/2013 17:06

Ostentatious! Thank you! That word has been bothering me for weeks - my brain insisted on pulling up pragmatic.

Jamie - what if a parent is unschooling? And in a way aren't parents always in teaching mode - kids are always learning?

I honestly can't say I've come across the comical examples I've read in some of these posts but when we're talking about 'competitive' parents...how do we know in may instances that this is what is going on? For there to be competition, a parent would have to care what others thought - how can we actually know this(save for some OTT harming it up theatricals)

I regularly ask the DC about stuff we're encountering - especially on a day out - but I couldn't give a monkeys what other people think and wouldn't care if he got the answer to it wrong and someone else overheard.y

pinkballetflats · 27/05/2013 17:08

Hopefully the typos didn't make that post unreadable...

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/05/2013 17:20

pink

I think it's what I said earlier - some parents talk at their DCs, demand answers without waiting for a child to initiate conversation.

All I know is, sometimes parents jabber away at their children I and I wonder if the child is finding it educational or merely irritating

I agree it doesn't actually happen that much, and in many cases, I don't think it is driven by competitiveness. I know I used to do it with my DCs to head off tantrums - so I might have been loud because I was stressed out!

Of course, none of us can know from one snapshot what is going on. Equally, I have met parents who are Ostentatious

DoJo · 27/05/2013 17:27

AKissIsNotAContract

"We were at some of the stupidity we heard at monkeyworld, a parent saying to his child 'a lot of these monkeys come from abroad'."

I must be stupid - what's wrong with that? Confused

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2013 17:29

It's still better than the ones who walk about glued to their phones, completely ignoring their DCs' chatter.

MoreSnowPlease · 27/05/2013 17:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

AKissIsNotAContract · 27/05/2013 18:06

*"We were at some of the stupidity we heard at monkeyworld, a parent saying to his child 'a lot of these monkeys come from abroad'."

I must be stupid - what's wrong with that?*

Monkeys aren't native to the UK, therefore they all come from abroad.

FredFredGeorge · 27/05/2013 18:08

What am I supposed to do in the supermarket other than have my toddler to help me shop - by asking her what we might want, or if she can find the cucumber, while I'm picking up some tomatoes? I was going to just stick her in the buggy with a greggs sausage roll but I heard that's wrong too...

If talking about birds in front of some birds in an animal centre isn't what you're supposed to do with your toddler - why are you taking your toddler to an animal centre? Silently looking at things doesn't sound much fun for anyone.

OP, YABU, and way over-sensitive...

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/05/2013 18:14

Fred

I agree about supermarkets.

But sometimes just looking at animal is what people like to do.

pinkballetflats · 27/05/2013 18:15

There have been times in the early days when Id talk away to DC just to keep myself company, to stop myself from going insane.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/05/2013 18:17

pink

yes, and when they get older and are at school you find you are still talking to yourself. I once pointed out an aeroplane to DH Grin

Tigresswoods · 27/05/2013 18:19

I'm afraid I'm with the parents who think she may have just been trying to teach her child. We're trying to get DS to notice & recognise letters & numbers at the moment & I'm too embarrassed to do that in front of other people in case they think I'm being like Jocasta's mum

mrsscoob · 27/05/2013 18:19

OP from what you have said it seems to me that you are either a little worried that your dc is a bit late catching up or maybe wish he were doing a little more? I can't quite believe that everyone with child is coming up to stand next to you so they can show off their child and belittle yours. Sounds to me that its what you think is happening due to your own insecurities. Almost like competitive parenting in reverse.

PaperSeagull · 27/05/2013 18:23

I also prefer the term performance parenting. It perfectly describes the element of acting for an audience, the over-the-shoulder glances to make sure others are listening, attempts to collect approving or impressed expressions on others' faces, etc. To me, loud parenting is more like, "Stop that right now!"

I adore witnessing performance parenting. It amuses me so much. I can't say whether the example in the OP would qualify, though. That sounds more like ordinary parent/child interaction, actually (but I wasn't there so I can't really say).

DoJo · 27/05/2013 18:24

*"We were at some of the stupidity we heard at monkeyworld, a parent saying to his child 'a lot of these monkeys come from abroad'."

I must be stupid - what's wrong with that?*

Monkeys aren't native to the UK, therefore they all come from abroad.

Well, no, but many of their monkeys are adopted from private owners in the UK, including British research labs etc, whereas a lot of them come from Spain where there is a culture of using them as props for street performers etc. plus many of them have been born in the park, so are from the UK in terms of their birth. I assumed that's what they meant, which was why I was confused.

DoJo · 27/05/2013 18:26

I actually thought you meant that the grammar of the sentence was wrong, by the way, so now Blush on both fronts.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 27/05/2013 18:40

I think that Rollingthunder and Samnella's experiences are clear examples of competitive parenting. To me, the competition parent has to engage with the other parent to try to elicit a "wow" from them.

The other examples could be interpreted in many ways.

I have to ask, is there some kind of inverted snobbery to aubergines and their ilk? Is there a hierarchy of fruit and veg? Would it not attract mirth if parents were pointing out carrots and apples instead? I'm all for stretching vocabulary. DS is only 9 months, but I can see myself pointing out the full range of fruits/veg/colours/shapes/animals etc. to him.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 27/05/2013 18:45

There is inverse snobbery.

And a posh accent grates on some people, no matter what they are saying

SgtTJCalhoun · 27/05/2013 18:56

My most recent experience of this was playing I spy with my dc at Windsor train station. Our I Spies were "something beginning with T! Track" boring but expected.

Child sat next to us started playing I Spy with his Mum. His second was "I spy something beginning with C" Mum: "chair, darling is it chair, no? car, darling, the car in the car park over there, is it darling? No? Cap is it your cap darling, is it?" This went on till she ran out of C's. In the end "Darling" revealed it was in fact "carbohydrate". Mum was almost hysterical with joy "carbohydrate darling, oh the bread in our sandwiches? oh that's marvellous darling!"

I sniggered to myself at her reaction but was secretly impressed, he was only about 5 Grin.

TattyDevine · 27/05/2013 19:01

Cripes, I'm not. Bet we'll see him in an eating disorders clinic in 10 years time...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/05/2013 19:11

I'm pretty sure some people on here would accuse me of 'loud' parenting, if by that you mean teaching your children things and helping to get them interested in the things you are looking at.

I'm completely oblivious to what everyone else is doing and I've never noticed the kind of performance parenting being talked about on this thread.

dollywobbles · 27/05/2013 19:16

There's a massive difference between normal interaction with your child, and performance parenting. And that difference is volume.
Surely we all talk to our children? Just that some people talk to their children and to everyone in earshot.
I talked to DS when he was tiny, I just did it quietly, so he could hear but so other people weren't involved.
DS has some SEN, but I still don't feel I need to loudly parent him. I just get his attention and get down to his level to speak to him. No need to shout.

pinkballetflats · 27/05/2013 19:42

Jamie

I was beginning to worry I might be the only one!!!!! Blush

pinkballetflats · 27/05/2013 19:45

Is there a support group for it? I have visions of me pointing out the sheep and the cows to my long suffering DH in 20 years' time.....